I shot a Dimera in Reno, and am now conflicted about watching him die.

Hey, let's pretend I haven't missed a few weeks of recaps! Just roll with this one, ok? If you have any questions about how we got from point A to point B, or why I hate Stephanie so much, or discussing the merits of Soap Opera Hair, feel free to comment or Formspring it.

-----

Stefano thinks Samanther shot Elvis. Whoever did this is going to DIE. IN PAIN. AND ALONE! Stefano walks in on Daniel talking to Lexie about technical terms and shit. IDK. EJ has a bunch of wires stuck to his head. It amuses me that Daniel calls Stefano "Mr. Dimera." Stefano doesn't care about brain functions and patterns. When is EJ going to wake up!? Lexie and stefano cry about Elvis together. Stefano thinks himself a tough enough bitch that Lexie can get back to her work and not watch over him.

Stefano talks to a comatose EJ at his bedside about fatherhood, and he calls EJ his favorite son. Poor Chad. None of his fathers love him. Anyway, Stefano laughs and cries and talks about love and his beautiful grandchildren. TEARS ARE STREAMING DOWN THE SIDES OF STEFANO'S FACE. Now Stefano wishes he could just trade places with EJ. If this were Passions, he totally would be able to do this.

Daniel and Sami talk about EJ's condition, and she wants him to tell her what the right thing to do is if she has to decide if he lives or not. Or something like that. IDK Sami, you shot him. The right thing to do would have been not to trust him in the first place. Daniel gives Sami a bit of definitive Jonas wisdom: there's no answer! Hahahaahaha. Sami doesn't want to decide EJ's fate, and Rafe wonders if it would just be easier to let him die. This would be a perfect time for Stefano to walk up and overhear. I love Rafe, but come on, shit would be funny.

Stefano tries to stop Sami from going into EJ's room, and Lexie reminds him that he can't stop her. Rafe tells Stefano that he's probably to blame for EJ getting shot, and that whoever did it probably got the wrong Dimera. He wishes that whoever did it would have wiped out the WHOLE DIMERA CLAN. Raaaafe, noooo. Why you gotta say stuff like this? Johnny and Sydney didn't do anything! Tony's tumble off the rickety pier steps was bad enough. But what about Lexie? You would want the FIRST LADY OF SALEM to be assassinated? I blame this on your engagement to Sami. I don't like you today.

Lexie breaks up the argument, and tells both of them to stop before Rafe can look like a bigger jerk. IDK, this is why you shouldn't try to marry Sami unless you're Lucas. ANYWAY, LISTEN TO LEXIE CARVER! Oh, as all this is going on, Kate and Abe walk in. You guys. YOU. GUYS. ABE IS HERE. And Lexie is glad. I am too.

Sami is a hot mess while watching EJ be comatose, and she cries, "What have I done?" and at that moment, EJ opens his eyes. Dun dun dun. Sami starts screaming for Lexie like a mad woman.

Melanie is amused by Vivian's jealousy of Maggie, and makes suggestive faces. She's worried about Vivian hovering around her, and would rather Viv stays out of her way. Maggie talks about her trip and is in a rush to book it, and Melanie realizes it's because of Victor. Of course, Maggie will deny this. So there's that. Melanie thinks something totally happened between them, and now she's pouting and being generally childish. Which I don't mind, but it reminds me why it bothers me that she's married and talks about babies all the time.

Chloe, in such kind words, tells Vivian to get out because apparently she's so fascinated by her friendship with Carly she wants to sit right with them at the pub. Um, Vivian. It's Thursday, you're wearing your crazy hat. YOU CAN'T SIT HERE! Vivian, before leaving, not-so-subtly hints at Chloe's failed attempt to kill Carly. Chloe does what she does best, and stares with widening eyes. She says she has something to tell Carly, but is she actually going to tell?

Carly's hair looks super light. They decide that they're alone enough to talk at the pier, where no one could walk in on them or overhear them at all...because you know, that kind of stuff just doesn't happen on the pier. Chloe reminds Carly of the way Vivian manipulated her, while dancing around the subject, because really. How do you tell the one person who's had your back that you tried to murder her. Fucking LOL.

Chloe finally gets the courage to say, "I sort of tried to kill you." "You tried to kill me?! Like actual murder?!" Chloe cries about how ashamed she is, and Carly somehow speaks with her calmly asking how she was going to kill her. PUT IT TOGETHER, CARLY! YOU WERE THERE! Chloe explains how Vivian approached her and how the elevator that went crashing down taking Chloe with it was meant for Carly.

Vivian comes home to find Philip waiting for her and she's just so happy until Philip yells at her to stay away from Melanie. Vivian says that her main project now is Isabella, and Philip is wondering what the hell she's doing with his dead sister. She tells him about the sarcophagus, and he flips the eff out. "You can't fix a marriage made in hell by moving dead bodies around!" Oh, this phrase is so applicable to so many life situations. IDK why it's one of the more obscure proverbs. Victor arrives in time to hear Philip shouting at his bride, and she assures Philip that she has his best interests at heart. Philip tells Vivian she has no heart, and aww, she actually runs out crying. I sort of feel bad for her, but she is crazy and I like crazy Vivian not sad Vivian.

Meanwhile, in the lamest version of Crazyland ever, Ian is able to determine that it definitely wasn't Philip who changed the results, and Stephanie now assumes Chloe changed the results because other than Philip, she had the most to lose. But we know Chloe isn't smart enough. Neither is Stephanie. She thinks Chloe could have gotten a friend to do it, like she did herself. Stephanie calls Ian the best friend in the world, and we already knew that her whole world revolves around Nathan so obviously she has no other friends. Anyway, while trying to figure out the situation, she calls Chloe a slut. Stephanie is like the most sexist female on this show.

Philip asks Victor why he's still married to Vivian, because there could be someone out there that he really loves and could make him really happy. Aww, Philip, you're so cute.

After pouting about Maggie leaving, Melanie visits Daniel at his apartment to tell him about the baby shower she and Carly are throwing for Chloe. If he's good, he might just be invited! After the stressful day he's had with the Dimeradramallama, the fact that Melanie, Chloe and Carly are all getting along is like the greatest thing ever for him. Maggie drops by to give Daniel and Chloe a baby present, and Melanie cries more about how much she's bummed that she's leaving and she's going to miss her.

I assume that Melanie left at some point, maybe I missed it. But now Daniel and Maggie are talking alone. Did Daniel, like, minor in Psychiatry? He's now discussing Maggie's travel plans and basically about to drop some Jonas wisdom on her. He doesn't think it would be as comforting (re: Mickey) as she says it will be. She reminds us that Daniel sort of understands what she's going through because his wife died and all. Anyway, Daniel suspect there's another reason Maggie's in such a rush to get away.

LMAO, Nathan comes home to find Ian with Stephanie. AGAIN. LMAO. I love how rude he is to him. Maybe Chloe was on to something about Nathan. (Oh, man, I can't believe I missed the recap where she YELLED AT HIM FOR INSULTING HER, threatened to toss his ass into a river and called him a pompous idiot. That was my favorite Chloe scene ever.) None of this is important, because Nathan's hair is extra deliberately-messy-looking today. Therefore that's all that matters.

In a stray scene that is really random in the context of the rest of the episode, Victor super seriously says that disobeying him is very dangerous. So, he ORDERS Sierra to have fun today. Okay, that was cute. I love funny Victor.

Back at Salem U, Sami is in disbelief and rambling loudly about EJ OPENING HIS EYES, and she can't believe this happened he was lying there and he just opened his eyes and I can't believe this is happening. LOL. Anyway, Stefano makes sure to take the time to accuse her of not wanting EJ to wake up, which she vehemently denies. Lexie walks out of EJ's room, and everyone wonders if he's awake, while she looks distressed.

Tomorrow in Salem

Carly won't let Vivian get away with it (I'm guessing attempted murder is what she means) this time. Will knows what Sami did. And Rafe is gonna make Elvis Inigo Montoya Jr. pay for what you did to Sami.

Wouldn't it save time (and a little shoe leather) if Salem just hosted a star-studded telethon?

I wasn't going to do a recap of yesterday's episode, but as I was watching this morning (come on, with the promise of Rafe/Nicole, I couldn't RESIST), I thought "Why not?!" It's not scored, but there's Abe flail and the obvious Rafe/Nicole freak-out. Today's recap (Thursday, I mean.) will be posted after airing today.

***

Nicole's pat-down gone awry ends up with Nicole in Rafe's lap. She wants to hang around there for a moment or two, and that's fine with him. AND OMFG THEY KISS AND MY WORLD MAKES SENSE. OMG ARIANNA, YOU COCKBLOCKERRRRRR. She starts yelling at Rafe and wonders how Nicole gets men to just fall into her arms. Nicole replies, "Technically, I fell into his arms..." Ari thinks this is all about Sami, and Nicole so astutely points out that Sami's not there. (Sidenote: apparently it's the middle of the day here, too. OMG DAYS, get your short-term timeline together.) Ari thinks that he wants to get caught by Sami to make her jealous and admit she loves him. Rafe tells her it's none of her business, and Ari decides she needs a drink. Seriously. Get one, Ari. I know you hate Nicole and have good reason to, but this is the greatest thing in my life right now and I can't have you ruining it! Nicole asks if Ari was right about Rafe's intentions, and he tries to make Nicole feel better while his sister looks on in disgust. He says he and Nicole were thrown out like trash by their respective lovers. Nicole calls Rafe the PERFECT GUY. fdjojdjfdjoijoijfdoi. DEAD DEAD DEAD. Nicole doesn't know what to believe, and Rafe thinks she's been drinking too much. And they leave together. MY GHOST IS DYING.

Hope wants justice done, and Bo says, YES! Justice will be served. Julie continues to blame Bo for the destruction of Hope's life because apparently, Hope was never a relatively independent, capable woman, so how DARE Bo abandon her when she MOVES OUT OF THE HOUSE. Julie is going to drive me to Hope's crazy pills, I just know it. Meanwhile, Adrienne and Justin talk at the pub about Hope, which somehow segues into what they once were [Adrienne, just send him far, far away, please?]. Before it starts, ABE CARVER PRESIDENT OF SALEM (SHOW SOME RESPECT) walks into the courtroom for Hope's hearing. Justin too, but no1curr about him. With the addition of character witnesses, the prosecution wants to withdraw the original deal for a 10-year sentence and get her the full 30-year penalty for her crimes. Oh, also Arianna walks into the courtroom around this time.

In all randomness, Brady visits his mother's tomb, and it's actually kind of sad.

Sami and EJ kiss their way toward a bedroom, WHILE SON WATCHES THEM. EWWWWW. After getting caught almost FORNICATING in front of her son, Sami picks up Johnny's penguin toy and thinks of Rafe. LOLLLLL. That has to be a boner-killer for Elvis. Sami continues to kiss EJ to forget about Rafe, and EJ says they don't have to sleep together yet. Sami wants to ~wait until their wedding night to have sex (again), and EJ is apparently all for it. Oh EJ how you've grown, I remark in a flat tone.

Justin gives his testimony about Hope's character~ and doesn't believe she should go free, but thinks Salem needs her to get treatment. In the words of Abe fucking Carver, Hope is truly one of Salem's finest. He believes he'll be victim again if his friend is buried by the system. Arianna doesn't want the system to treat Hope differently than it would treat her. Hope has to pay for her crimes! Just before the judge makes her decision, the defense calls Bo to the stand. Bo says he's just as responsible as Hope for her crimes. Then he proceeds to blame the crazy pills. Hope is sentenced to two years with visitation rights, so she can see her daughter and get psychiatric help. Hope seems to be relieved about a way lighter sentence than her original deal, even though she was so stubborn about making sure she's fairly punished. Bo apologizes for not doing more, but now Julie thinks he saved the day. Take off your crazy person wig, woman. Make up your mind!

Everyone hugs Hope after the trial, INCLUDING ABE CARVER. LUCKY BITCH. Bo gives Hope a speech that's probably about being there for her and stuff. But IDK, because I'm kind of done with this storyline, since it's sort of kind of resolved. Now let's just get to the part where the show has to pretend Bo and Carly are together still, so we can resolve THAT too.

Sami goes to the pub looking for Caroline, but spots Brady drinking. Oh, I'm sure this will be just...lovely. She asks about Brady's beer and Brady asks about her engagement ring. The most mature adult step-sibling discussion ever, you guys. Brady is "celebrating" being done with Nicole and tells Sami that she is not so different than the woman. Sami's addiction isn't LIES like Nicole, it is EJ DIMERA! Sami thinks Brady is worse than her grandma and dad put together, and he LIKES them, so he thinks it's good company to be in. He tells Sami that when he left town a few years ago, she was a spoiled-rotten brat (Sami: "Pot, meet Kettle!"), but he came back and she was all new and improved after meeting RAAAAFE, and she screwed it up. Brady tells her to have a beer on him, because she's gonna need it marrying into the Dimeras. Sami leaves Rafe a message as she's leaving the pub. She runs into Arianna, and asks about her brother's whereabouts. Ari got the firsthand show of Rafecole of Our Lives and THEN got to see Hope practically let off the hook for her crimes. So I"m guessing she's a little bitter right now when she tells Sami that he's probably at Nicole's place RIGHT NOW. Sami takes this the wrong way, obviously, because she thinks Rafe is arresting Nicole and she HAS to see this. Sami, you are so juvenile, lol. Arresting her for WHAT, exactly?

Rafe gets Nicole to her apartment, and kisses her as they stumble to her door. She asks Rafe what he wants, and he says he USED to know and talks about Sami and Sydney. Nicole invites Rafe inside. Nicole pours drinks for herself and Rafe. "You know what's weird?" "That I'm still standing?" They talk about Sydney, and she's trying to let her go since she can't be part of her life anymore. He ignores a call from Sami, and Nicole thinks it's work, so she wonders if he's supposed to do that. FBI guys need a break too. Nicole is smart, even when drunk. She knows there's something going on here that she doesn't know. Rafe calls her uncomplicated (HA!), but gives her credit for not pretending like she doesn't lie. Rafe says he's always felt a little spark ~there with Nicole (if only...). She asks if he ~likes her, and he says, "WHY NOT!" She says he's going to have to prove he's not lying by getting naked. Nicole senses Rafe's hesitation, and maybe he doesn't want her as bad as she thinks he does. He tells her to think again, and proceeds to strip for her. OMG LOL.

I'm sorry I called you a gap-toothed bitch. It's not your fault you're so gap-toothed.

Today's theme of the show was admitting you were wrong about people. Also, crazy people. But who cares, because the Cheatin' Heart is where it's at. It's where all my porno fantasies come true. In a less pervy way, I swear. Or not. IDK.

(-2) Hope's public defender doesn't understand why she didn't get a better lawyer, and Hope insists it would be a waste of time and money, since she's going to jail. Bo protests this. Hope doesn't want to keep discussing this. She plead guilty, it's over! She needs to pay! But Bo aks if Sierra should have to pay, too. Bo says Sierra needs Hope, but Hope thinks Demon Child is better off without her. Bo calls her a COWARD. OMFG. (+3 LOL points) Doug decides to take Bo for a walk, and apparently they're trusting JULIE to reason with her? (-1) Because JULIE was so reasonable last week. And she's still blaming Bo for everything. Classy bitch. (-1) Julie tells Hope that she's lost her way, and they'll help her find her way back. But they can't throw everything away! Doug, Julie and Bo have another conference about Hope, then Bo talks to her public defender. Hope has doubts about what Bo is up to, and Doug and Julie think she should trust him. He comes back and announces to Hope that there's been a change of plans. GASP. I haven't been hating this story lately, but bah. Nothing even happened today. (-1)

(+4) Shady guy starts choking Melanie when Nathan runs in. He gets in a rather uneventful fight with Pat Monahan (or random hobo, drug addict, common criminal, take your pick either way -5 for being gross), but injures his arm in the process. The guy runs away. Come on, no knife? Nathan checks up on Melanie to make sure she's okay after being nearly strangled, and they're touching and this would be an opportune moment for Philip to walk in for maximum awkwardness. She'll have bruises on her neck, but no permanent damage so I don't have to cut a bitch. (+1) She notes that the guy was obviously not very strong, but Nathan says the strangler was able to take HIM down. So what we learn is that Melanie is clearly tougher than Nathan. (+2) Melanie asks about Nathan's arm. He says it's fine, but Melanie knows he wouldn't admit if it was that bad anyway. She tells him to get an X-ray, he calls her Dr. Melanie(+1) , and she corrects him - "Dr. Kiriakis." (+1) Snap. They've had enough of the clinic in the ghetto for a day, and he offers to take Melanie home. Just outside of the Brady pub, Melanie tells Nathan she can get the rest of the way alone. Score one for independent Melanie. Free bitch, baby. (+4)

(-2) Back at Stephanie's humble abode, Ian tries to get the paternity test results but is creeped out by hacking into a hospital computer with the blessed mother staring at him. (LOL +3) Stephanie continues to freak out because Chloe's baby is important to her very existence. (-1) Ian gets through the firewall, and finds Dana Scott's file, but the results aren't in. Not GOOD enough for Miss Teen Pageant Racecar Driver Girl! Ian explains there may be a backup at the lab, and Stephanie curses! (-1) Nathan chooses such a time to arrive home, and he is confused at the scene he has happened upon. "What's going on? Who the hell are you?" This is how to politely greet guests in your home. Etiquette lessons from the young Dr. Horton. (+3) Nathan apologizes for being rude, as he's on edge because of the clinic attack. He excuses himself to take a shower. Boo, show this part instead of Stephanie. Anyway, before Ian leaves, he says that a girl as pretty and as smart as Stephanie shouldn't have to fight to keep anyone. (+1) Thank you, creepy Ian. Yet another person who doesn't understand why she's so desperate to keep Nathan. But according to Stephanie, Ian doesn't understand. Stephanie LOVES Nathan. Psycho.

(-3) Stephanie freaks out when she learns that Nathan was just with Melanie. He explains that the guy tried to strangle Red, and Stephanie jokes that the guy must know her well. Yes, Stephanie - a victim of rape, who was also kidnapped and rescued by MELANIE - is joking about Melanie being attacked. (-4) Classy. NATHAN IS NOT AMUSED. Stephanie is an actual bitch. She goes on about how everything turned out okay, blah blah blah, before she tells Nathan to get an X-ray, and then looks worriedly at her computer.

(+2) While Stefano goes on about how what if Rafe or Sami find out that Elvis arranged Sydney's kidnapping, Sami walks in and confusedly asks what he said. Sami says she overheard Stefano talking about EJ keeping Sydney away from Sami. Stefano tries to talk himself out of it (LMAO +4), and Sami tells him let EJ answer! Because THAT's how you'll get a straight answer. For sure. Fo' sho! (-2) IDK, I'm only paying attention to the background because Lexie walks into the mansion and greets and hugs Stefano! Lexie!!! (+3) She's there to hear EJ saying that he just wants to give Sami some time away from Sydney after the wedding, and he wants to ~occupy some of her time. Or something like that. (-1) But yes, Lexie hears this, and is shocked to hear they're getting married. Lexie is pure class, so she congratulates them, and jokingly says she's worried about Sami considering who her in-laws will be. (+2 whatever, she was cute) She offers to help Sami with the wedding, and Sami jokes about prescribing her family sedatives. (+1 okay Sami, I'll give you this one.)

(-1) Once they're alone, Lexie tells E.J. she's happy for him. I would get mad at Lexie for not seeing how stupid this is, but 1) she's a Carver and 2) she's telling E.J. how proud she is of him for getting what he wants and turning his life around, but now he's looking kind of guilty. Yeah, you should feel bad for getting undeserved words of kindness from Lexie Carver. (-1) Lexie believes in EJ and shit, but she's worried about Rafe. (+3 for juxtaposition of this scene being followed by a Rafe and Nicole scene.) Lexie hopes EJ is right about Rafe, and EJ says he and Sami are m2b. (VOM. -2) Meanwhile, Stefano is alone with Same tells her he was wrong about her or something and tries to hug her. LOL. (+2) Sami obnoxiously interrupts EJ and Lexie, and announces that Stefano was actually nice to her. OMFG, WOW SAMI. Lexie thinks if Stefano can actually be nice to Sami, maybe he'll let Lexie talk him into diet and exercise. Once in the privacy of the Dimera foyer, Lexie discusses her doubts with Stefano, and thinks there's more to the engagement than what's being said. Stefano hopes that with the marriage, the past will just go away. (+4 juxtaposition points because they cut to Nicole asking why Rafe is dwelling in the past..) After Lexie leaves, Sami rambles and EJ kisses her and shuts her up. Oh, look, I stopped paying attention. (-3 because I'm sure it was gross)

(+5) Nicole cries at the bar (-1 for anybody making Nicole cry), while Rafe lurks and creeps on her from outside. jositfjofjiot :DDDD He jokes about always meeting like this, and she tells him to go away. IT'S LOVE. Rafe apologizes for the way he acted last time with Nicole, and wants a chance to make it up to her. She refuses, throwing her drink in his face. (+2) Nicole wants to be left alone, but Rafe at least offers to buy her a drink to replace the one she threw. She can buy her own drink though, and as she's gathering up the contents of her purse, Rafe spots the missing CD recording of EJ's confession. (+4) As Rafe walks away, OMG this creepy guy at the bar recognizes Nicole from porn. HE CALLS HER MISTY, HER PORN NAME! I AM DYING DYING DYING. (+4) Ew, gross, tho. He's hitting on her and calling his friend about his favorite porn star (-2), and Nicole is mortified. (Sadface for Nicole. -2) Rafe threatens him to apologize and get the hell out. KNIGHT IN SHINING ARMOR. (+2) Poor Nicole is crying again. (SERIOUSLY? :( -2)

(+10) Rafe apologizes again for the way he treated Nicole, and she thanks him for helping her. Nicole and Rafe bond over drinks (+2) and loving EJ and Sami, but not being able to make it work. Rafe tells Nicole about how unfair it is that she did everything for E.J. and now he's acting ~sanctimonious and he's marrying Sami? WHAT. A JERK, THAT EJ. Nicole sarcastically calls EJ a Prince. (+1) Rafe says Sami thinks he's obsessed with Elvis, and seeing evil where there isn't because HE'S just JEALOUS. LOL, Nicole thinks the same thing we're all thinking - JFC, REALLY SAMI? (-5 for Sami, but +3 for Nicole) She feels bad for him, and says the next round of drinks is on her. Rafe tells Nicole all about what he and Sami went through when Sydney went missing, and Nicole starts to feel guilty - especially at the part where EJ made Sami believe Sydney was dead. He asks Nicole to tell him that EJ's a good guy, but she knows she can't honestly say that. (+1 THANK YOU) Nicole wonders why Rafe keeps bringing up the past. Nicole says Rafe's not normal, he's FBI. And then wonders if he's on the job. ARE YOU WEARING A WIRE? She keeps trying to look down Rafe's shirt, and he asks if she wants to frisk him. (OH MY GOD. +5) Nicole makes Rafe stand up, because she is about to give rafe a proper pat-down like she learned in prison. Before she can, she stumbles drunkenly onto him and they fall into his chair and she's right in his lap. (OMG OMG OMG +5, but I do have to subtract points, because officially, Rafe's just playing her right now, tho. WHY U DO DIS, WRITERS? -3)

(-1) Daniel wants to know what's up with Chloe and Carly, and they say that their big secret is that they're spending girl time together at the spa for Chloe's birthday. Daniel's mind is blown by his womens hanging out together, and he wishes he didn't have to miss it. Carly's all, BITCH you weren't invited anyway. (+2) He and Chloe say it can be the start of a beautiful friendship, while Carly looks upset and uncomfortable. (-3 she does this a lot) Chloe admits that she was wrong about Carly, and apologizes. (+1 because that seems to be the theme of today's edition.) Dr. Dan talks to Melanie on the phone, and says they'll wait for her if she meets them at the pier. He oh-so-subtly tries to get rid of Chloe (-2 because don't we all wish it were that easy?), and just straight up tells Chloe that he wants to discuss her BIRTHDAY SURPRISE with Melanie when she gets there. Chloe agrees to leave, so as not to be spoiled. Once Melanie gets to the pier, her parents immediately spot the bruises on her neck. (-2 because I can't see it. Her neck is just extra red, if anything.) She is freaked out by all the parenting going on at once. Anyway, they move on Melanie thinks everything's possible and is excited about the baby and about Chloe and Carly being friends. Daniel and Melanie leave together, and Carly hopes to god Melanie is right. She calls Chloe to tell her for the millionth time that her results will be ready in the morning. (-3)

Bonus Points, Grand Total + Abe Rating

(+10) For Nathan's hair. And the fact that he was whining about his arm all day, and I was amused. If Philip were on today, the hair quotient would go way up. I'm also adding points, though, because Stephanie's new old friend Ian had his hair down when he started asking Stephanie about what she needs~, and suddenly we cut to him with his tied back. What the heck. Magic hair points.
(-10) For added, less amusing confusion, I couldn't tell if it was day or night in Salem. Hope's case seemed to be JUST starting, which would lead me to believe it's day. I assumed the Cheatin' Heart people (Rafe/Nicole, Daniel/Chloe/Carly from yesterday as time carried over today) were nighttime, especially since they're all ready for tomorrow. Melanie and Nathan were walking around in daylight after their shift at the clinic - and for comparison, Philip dropped Melanie off (in yesterday's) for this very shift, and was seen drinking at the Brady Pub past 5pm afterward. SO. I AM CONFUSED.
(+12) Michelle Obama appearance. And being cute with Stefano!
(+10) Rafe and Nicole: we're making them more canon here at AOOL just by sheer will. OMFG.

Apparently, this gives us a total of 56 points (I think?), I thought that Rafe and Nicole would send the score flying through the roof, but it was a pretty boring episode otherwise.

3 Happy Abes

Abe is happy that his wife is adorable, and he's happy that I'm happy that Rafe and Nicole are so becoming canon, but he was just kind of bored otherwise.

Tomrrow's Salem Time Warp

Hope pleads guilty, Arianna shows up at the bar and finds Nicole in Rafe's lap ("Are you out of your freakin' mind?!"), and EJ and Sami continue to be boring.

A nun walks into a bar...

Ugh, I meant to score this, but my battery is dying. So here's a long wordy (only sort-of edited) recap. Apparently, my posting of these recaps on school days depends on if I can catch it Hulu and/or youtube. IDK, we'll just wing it I guess.

But, to be honest, if I did score this, I think one story would have sent us over the roof in points. You'll know which one I mean.

***

Philip and Chloe hug it out bitch at the pier. I like Philip and Chloe as friends, whatever. That's all I have to say. Nathan walks by, and apologizes for interrupting whatever is going on. Aww, how considerate! He says he meant to call Philip, and they talk about their hospital brosiness for a little bit before he leaves. Chloe freaks out because Nathan KNOWS about her, and she thought he might have figured it out. Aww, come on Chloe. Nathan, though very adorable, is almost as dense as Daniel. And Philip knows Nathan would run straight to Melanie if he knew.

A Doctor walks into a bar and asks one-night stand/baby mama/old friend etc. for her opinion on the bracelet he wants to give to Chloe to wear to the opera for her birthday tomorrow. He says it's their first public birthday together. LOLLLL REMEMBER WHEN CHLOE WAS CHEATING ON LUCAS, SO DANIEL AND CHLOE WERE SUPPOSED TO BE A SECRET. haahahaha, I'm mean. He's also excited that he gets to tell people he's pregnant soon. (Oh, Chloe's the one who's pregnant.) Carly gets all uncomfortable, but blames her mood on how much she's been working. Daniel tells her he and Mel are worried about her, since she blames herself for the Bo and Hope debacle. Aww, Daniel and Carly are sweet though. He mentions the baby more, making Carly uncomfortable again. Daniel notices something is up, and then she leaves suddenly.

Stephanie, preventing Melanie from finding out why she's REALLY on the computer at St. Mary's, lies about checking up on Daniel's patient for PR purposes. Crazycakes is totally subtle in hoping that Melanie gets the job at this hospital that is across the town from Nathan. She pulls a psychotic fake-nice act that is cracking me up and freaking Melanie out. As Little Red skips off, Crazy continues to peruse hospital records, but when she comes across Chloe's file, access is denied. She seems surprised. Really? Because a PR person should really be given access to paternity test results, Stephanie. She thinks REALLY hard about what she can do, because if Chloe blows up Philip and Melanie, it'll blow up Nathan and her, and her life depends on it. AND OMG SHE HAS AN IDEA!

Sami and E.J. make out in the SUPER SECRET LIVING ROOM at the Dimera mansion, and so what a shock when Stefano walks in on this. Will walks into the room and tries to hold back his vom as Sami's going on about the wedding. "YOU SHOULDN'T BE WEARIN' WHITE AND HE CAN'T AFFORD NO RAAAAANG." Will points out that Sami's had about 29309 weddings, and for some reason thinks she can have a traditional one. Will is obviously my voice on the show, and see that is so WRONG (and then factor in WHOM she's marrying!). Sami acts indignant while Will tells her things she needs to hear, and she wonders why Will wasn't so mean when she was with Rafe. Will tells her, just as he sees Elvis walk into the foyer, that Rafe was different because THAT could have worked. LOL, sneaky bitch. I love Will. He's awesome. EJ hugs Sami as Will leaves the house. LOLLLL okay, Samanther. You say marrying him is what's best for your kids, but she is so going to lose~ Will over it. Bitch, please. Anyway, when E.J. asks if she's okay, she says Will was a "walk in the park" compared to her grandma and dad.

Meanwhile, at the pub, Caroline is complaining about Hope's lack of lawyer when Roman gets a call from Sami saying she has something to tell him. He knows something's up because when she calls him "daddy" (no dirty joke, PLEASE), she's either totaled the car or gotten a D in Spanish. When she replies "Si, si senor," he calls her Samantha Jean. LOLLL. IDK it was actually kind of cute. She tells him she'll see him at the Pub.

Sami and E.J. show up at the pub, but LOL, Caroline doesn't want E.J. present when Sami tells them her news. Oh, Caroline Bluth, you have bigger problems! Sami breaks the news of her engagement, trying to assure them that she's happy. Roman believes that she really has lost her mind. EJ says he understands why they'd be upset, and Roman reminds him that they both have clear memories. Come on, E.J. If somebody raped Sydney, you know you would KILL that guy. So yeah. You're kind of lucky Roman hasn't shot you yet, today. He makes this whole speech about how he loves Sami and respects her and hopes Sydney will learn from them setting such a good example. GAG. Okay. The Bradys aren't buying it, of course, and now Sami refuses to talk to Roman alone, because she WANTS everybody's approval, but if they don't give it to her, then she'll just cut them off. Oh my god.

Ew, at the Kiriakis mansion, Brady is like...ravishing Nicole. He makes me uncomfortable now. Assaulting a woman after sex does that to a guy. And you know what? I just ate, so excuse me while I phone in the recap of their scenes. After they pant and undress each, Nicole wants to take this somewhere a little more private. What? The common areas of the mansion where crazy people live? Not private enough? Crazy Viv can walk in, at any time, on her husband's ex-wife and her husband's grandson ~fornicating. It's a moot point, though, when Brady freaks out decides everything going on here is WRONG. (Seriously, Brady. You forgot the production crew, cameras and cheesy music. GET IT? Because Nicole used to be in PORN!) "What is wrong with you, we were about to make love!" So tender, Nikki. Brady compares sex with Nicole to a drug, and then goes into asshole mode. He basically says he told her he loved her, only to use her for sex, and he doesn't care about her. Brady is DONE with her! Asshole. Please die now.

Rafe is sick of playing by the rules, so he calls a secret person who's surprised he has his number. Rafe tells his phone friend that there's more where that came from. I get the feeling this is a 900 number. Rafe needs help to woo Nicole. He waits at the beach for this mysterious other person and OH MY GOD, LOL. It's Victor. Um, odd scene pairing plus the "beach" setting? EXTRA POINTS. Rafe tells Victor that he has proof that Nicole has something on E.J, and Vic wonders why he should care. Victor thinks they have different ideas about what E.J. "has coming to him." Rafe wants him to lose Sami, whereas Victor wants him to lose an appendage or two. Victor calls E.J. a putz when Rafe tells him what he knows. I love funny Victor. Since Rafe can't use the evidence he stole from Nicole, he needs Victor's help in getting her to tell on Elvis. Victor gives Rafe advice in hopes that he can separate her from Brady, and says he'll owe Rafe a big one. He can pay for their wedding okay. The advice is basically, "she acts tough, but she has a weak spot." Rafe needs to know Nicole's weakness, and Victor reminds him that Nicole was a PORN STAR. OMG PRAISE KANYESUS, THEY'RE ACTUALLY BRINGING THIS UP. MY DAY IS MADE, I AM DYING. THIS IS THE GREATEST THING EVER IN THE HISTORY OF "AOOL." I LOVE PORNSTAR NICOLE. Anyway, Rafe wants Victor to tell him something he didn't already know, and Victor tells him about Nicole's dad forcing her into porn and that she is a broken little girl, just looking for her knight in shining armor. SO HE TELLS RAFE TO MAKE A MOVE. OMG GG-gdsgjfoifdojjdso I CAN'T. YOU GUYS. YOU GUYYYYYYYYS. He needs to convince Nicole that he can help her, and she'll give Rafe what she wants. OMG I AM SHAKING AND CRYING.

Philip drops off Melanie at the free clinic so she could complete her hours there, and he is NOT impressed, even though it's a FREE clinic that was just opened. He, too, is really hoping she gets the job at St. Mary's. He and Stephanie are m2b. Apparently Sister Anne missed her appointment with Melanie. Random. Anyway, Philly doesn't want to leave her alone in a ~dangerous neighborhood. AWW. He's presh when he's not cheating on his wife. She mocks him for freaking out in the ghetto. Salem's ghetto is probably just the one street that has a broken street light. That and the pier. She assures him that she's perfectly fine, and that she's working with another doctor, so of course it's Nathan! Philip is clearly very comfortable with them working together on a more regular basis. They'll flirt over flu shots and figure out that they're dating/married to crazy people. So, naturally, Philip acts more awkward. He and Nathan trade territorial banter before Nathan remembers that Melanie is actually in the room. Melanie is uncomfortable.

Chloe meets Daniel at the bar, and he thinks blue looks great on her. It is orange's complimentary color. Duh, Daniel. He lets her open ONE of her gifts (that she just saw him hiding) on the day before her birthday, so of course it's a box that says "baby" on it. Dan's all sentimental about his first present for his child, and I'm loling at Chloe's paaaaiiin. She' tries to convince Dan she's happy before she excuses herself to the ladies' room. Aaaand, in walks Sister Anne. I've heard this joke before. A nun and a doctor walk into a bar... Anyway. She explains to Daniel why she missed her appointment with Melanie, and let me tell you, it's a soap storyline all on its own! There's a 15-year-old pregnant girl in labor and a drunken mother! He invites Sister Anne to meet his fiance. Uh-oh, uh-oh, uh-oh oh no no.

Carly is at bar again, but it looks like she forgot something. She sees Chloe at the bathroom freaking out, and turns to see Dan and Anne (lolrhyme) sitting together. Oh, Chloe. You were always worried that CARLY was the hussy who'd steal your man, you didn't even THINK about the nun. iCarly walks over to Danne (OTP), and she explains that she came back for her sunglasses. Sister Anne excuses herself before she even got to meet Daniel's fiance. Carly sees the humor in a nun at a bar. Daniel gets a phone call and has an emergency he has to tend to, so he asks Carly to check on Chloe. She calls Chloe to tell her that the coast is clear, but they need to talk before they go home. They talk on the pier and Carly says everything's okay for now, and her test results will be in first thing in the morning. (LOL, happy birthday, Chloe! Your first present is a paternity test result!) Which Daniel of course overhears as he arrives at the pier.

LOLLLL WHAT IS THIS GUY AT STEPHANIE'S DOOR. "Ian" is all geekery, oversized clothes and long stringy hair, and she's very excited that he's there. Apparently, they're old friends? Stephanie inquires about Ian's computer skills, and he reminds her that in college, he hacked into the school computer mainfraime to say that she filled her PE requirement. LOL, Stephanie was always a corrupt bitch. A little Walking For Fitness never hurt anyone, woman! She flirts with Ian a little to get him to agree to help her before she tells him what she needs, because he totally wants to get in her pants. He implies that if she's asking him for something big, her relationship status is important Stephanie tells Ian that she needs him to access paternity test results. He is confused, because she shouldn't need help getting her own results (LOL), and she tells them they're not her's. Before he asks why she would need somebody else's results, he decides he's better off not knowing. She continually reminds him of these mysterious times she helped him in college. They smile and flirt, and if I stare at them long enough, they kind of look alike.

Will finds Stefano at the mansion, and they have a moment. Stefano confronts Will about his doubts about Sami's engagement, saying he was just as uneasy at first. He says Will is part of the reason he changed his mind, and that he's proud of him. OMG they're adorable. He believes in the power of FAMILY! Will gets emotional because this is the closest he's had to a parental figure actually paying attention to him in, like, his whole life. Later, E.J. announces that the Bradys were unsurprisingly not happy when Sami told them about the engagement, and Stefano tells him not to look so smug. He tells him to be careful, because Rafe or Sami may find out about what Elvis did. Jr. tells Stefano not to say that in the house, and Stefano sees Sami at the door looking pisssssed. Ugh, what now?

Back at the free clinic, a dirty-looking dude tells Melanie he needs something (like, omg, you mean DRUGS?!). She says they only do check-ups and stuff, and he grabs her and has her in a choke hold type thing and calls her a bitch. OMGGGG NATHAN WHERE ARE YOU. SAVE MY BB MELANIEEEEE. Also, Philip may have had a point about how dangerous it is there, I guess.

Philip is drinking alone at the pub, and Brady walks in. Aww, Brady, don't make me tune out of a Philip scene. You ruin everything! Brady doesn't understand why it's not acceptable to drink before five. Brian at the pub is socially irresponsible and serves Brady drinks. Philip is confused that Brady's drinking, and Brady says the booze isn't the problem and he's swearing off everything that is.

Nicole shows up at the bar again, looking sad. She curses E.J. and cries, because what she knows was supposed to put her in charge, and instead, it ruined everything good in her life. Cut to Rafe just outside of the bar. OMFGGGG YOU GUYS. Rafe sees her crying inside, and reminds himself that Victor said to strike when she's vulnerable.

Previews

Chloe thinks Daniel should know the truth, which is obviously not going to be THE truth. Hope is in regular clothes, sans bumpit, in what looks to be the courthouse and announces that she's going to prison. Nicole throws a drink in Rafe's face and says, "No." Aaah, courtship.

slower updates, sad times. I need a bumpit.

I figured I should probably note that recaps are going to start being posted every other day. I'm going to try to keep up with the show via Hulu, to get Monday/Wednesday/Friday covered, but because of school I won't be home to watch on those days.

urelated gif, but it should make you feel better. idk.

Do you believe in life after Hope?

So, yesterday, everybody was in shock and disbelief about Hope being behind the muggings. Today, everybody has a secret and none of them can keep it. I combined yesterday's and today's recaps. Also, no score because I'm kind of in a rush. Feel free to mentally assign any arbitrary number you wish.

Previously in Salem

Since I didn't post yesterday's recap, I'll just do a bit of it so we're up to speed:

-----

Maggie and Nathan are talking in her kitchen. She has to take care of Chez Rouge business, and leaves the room momentarily. Melanie gets home, Nathan is there. They talk about Hope and hug. Maggie comes back and Melanie leaves her and Nathan alone, and she asks about what's going on between him and the young redhead. Blah blah blah, she's married, blah blah. They have a grandma date at the pub, and Caroline greets Maggie with coldness. Nathan asks what that's about, and Maggie explains her friendship with Victor and how she was at the hospital after Bo's attack when everyone failed to tell Caroline. Nathan sasses at her about lecturing him about Melanie when she's BFFLs with Victor.

Just as Crazycakes Stephanie leaves the bar after telling her Aunt Adrienne that she was worried over nothing when she found Nathan's picture of him and Melanie, she has to drop off hospital papers at Maggie's. Of course, she gets there to see Mel and Nathan embracing through the window, and stands there watching and freaking out like a creeper. She goes back to Adrienne to tell her about it, and then discusses Philip's weird behavior because she KNOWS he's up to something and she doesn't want him to ruin his relationship with Mel and, by extension, her relationship with Nathan.

Philip and Chloe meet at the pier to discuss her paternity test. AND CRAZYCAKES FINDS THEM THERE. She acts super-psychotic and questions Chloe's stress levels. She then proceeds to break into Chloe's apartment and tries to hack into her computer, since she now knows those two are keeping secrets. Daniel and Chloe are just outside their door, so Stephanie has to hide.

Sami and Rafe continue their locker room encounter, but he decides it's a mistake. That doesn't stop him from kissing her again. He reveals that he knows E.J. and Sami are engaged, and Sami's like WHAT. DID HE TELL YOU. Blah blah blah, she wants him to stop her from marrying Elvis, and he's like umm...that's your responsibility not mine. (To be fair, I also thought Melanie shouldn't have married Philip if she wanted Nathan to stop it. But she did come to the realization that she chose Philip on her own, and not by some force or made up obligation to any kids. So...yeah. Sami is a whole lot worse in my eyes right now. The sad thing is that I actually like Sami, but right now she's unbearable to me.)

Later, back at the mansion, Sami yells at E.J. for telling Rafe. But he didn't, so Sami assumes Stefano did. WAT. With everyone always saying everything out loud, someone's bound to hear. Elvis points out that if they're getting married, PEOPLE ARE GOING TO FIND OUT!!! Sami just wants time to get used to being engaged to Elvis. I hope they get married in Vegas by an Elvis impersonator. He sweet talks Sami a little bit, and I tuned out, but apparently they're on.

Rafe shows up to the bar after his rough day, and tells the bartender to keep the beers coming. OMG NICOLE SHOWS UP, TOO. "Buy a girl a drink?" OMG, they are going to drink their sorrows away together and fall madly in love and get married and ride off on a horse! Rafe teases Nicole about Brady, and she calls Rafe a straight-shooter. He tells the bartender to get the lady whatever she wants, and she marvels at being called a lady for the first time in forever. Nicole has a pretty drink, and she wants wants to toast to the future. "May it not suck as much as the present." Are they in love yet? I think they are.

Also items of noteworthy value to me:
Adrienne tells Caroline about her crazy granddaughter. Caroline is just like, JFC this girl. And I'm even more convinced that she needs to become a more Lucille Bluth-like character. She calls Stephanie while she's snooping around Chloe's things, and the girl snaps at Caroline. LOL, bitch.

Melanie sits with Chloe at the pub, but she's telling Chloe about her day with Daniel at St. Mary's and Chloe freaks out and leaves. Once Chloe is out the door, Melanie says, "You better start telling people you're pregnant, or else they're just going to think you're a biiiitch." OMG MELANIE. I LOVE YOU. MARRY ME. That is my new favorite line.

...There was also some Justin stuff, but I really don't care. He's stupid. Blah. And nothing really pivotal tbh.

-----

Thank at-god it's friday.

Stephanie hides as Daniel and Chloe arrive at their apartment that she broke into. She listens to them be gross for a little bit, but once Daniel is out of the picture Chloe calls Philip. Meanwhile, Philip and Melanie are walking around the house in minimal clothing talking about ... IDK. I think she may have mentioned Brady's problems. While Melanie gets dressed, Philip answers Chloe's call about needing to see him once Melanie leaves. Which, of course, Stephanie overhears. Philip shows up at Chloe's, and as they discuss their problems, Stephanie is still in the closet. Chloe tells Philip more about how they mixed up her name at the hospital, but they still have her phone number for the results, and how the baby might be Philip's. All this while Stephanie eavesdrops, biting her nails and practically crying. I think she can hear her life shattering into pieces.

She escapes from her closet once Philip and Chloe have left, and now OMG Stephanie is pacing around Chloe's apartment freaking out about everything she just found out. And now she's on the phone trying to find out if she can use her hospital clearance to try to access St. Mary's records. OMG they're really pulling a Sami with her. She is SO going to change the results.

Sami asks E.J. when he wants to get married, and he wants to get married now! He doesn't think they need a big wedding, or something extravagant. He thinks they can get married by the end of the week. Sami disagrees. She wants to set the date TOGETHER. And suggests E.J. should sit. She wants to get married at St. Luke's, where they had Grace's funeral and he threatened to take Johnny away from her...so it's poetic? Yikes. She wants the perfect wedding, and she's had a million of them. I'll come back with an actual count.

Stefano and Kate walk in and E.J. tells them the good news in person, and Kate chokes on her own disgust. Stefano offers his condolences, and Sami's like COME ON, STEFFY. So he shakes hands with her. Kate scoffs at them as Sami jokes that she has to sing for them at the wedding. Stefano is talking about the toast he and Kate have to give Elvis and Samantha. I think Stefano is really amused by this unholy union, because now they're breaking out the champs to drink to the engagement. Kate's toast: "May they get everything they deserve in life." L M A O. Stefano suggests Sami utilize Kate's event planning experience. "Please do." Stefano and E.J. confer about their secrets.

Brady is drinking and walking around shirtless, and Victor's like THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING. He refers to Nicole as his crazy ex-wife while asking what Nicole did to drive Brady to drinking. He calls her a she-monster, shapeshifter etc. Yes, she is magical. He calls her a gold-digging slut, and Brady tells him not to call her that. "Oh my god, you're still in love with her!" LOL Victor. Your grandson is dumb.

Rafe and Nicole talk about Brady. She goes on about how she didn't BREAK him and Arianna up, but Brady just realized he and Nicole are meant to be. Or something like that. But it wasn't her fault. Or something like that. I'm probably skipping stuff here, but at some point she says that he's too much of a ~man to discuss his feelings with her. And he says he's too much of a man to discuss his feelings with the woman who made Sami miserable. She says stuff about him being in love with Samanther, and then asks when was the last time he was truly happy. Words words words. Then she asks why he said he was at the bar celebrating. He's happy about his sister Arianna being free after Hope's confession to the muggings. Nicole says Hope let a lot of people off the hook, and he wonders who. (LOL, minor speedbump in their relationship. She set up his sister. Whatever. They'll get past it.)

Rafe gets a call from Tim saying he has the message Nicole sent Fay put together. He asks if Tim's listened to it yet, but Tim thinks Rafe should be the first one to hear. Rafe gives Nicole money to pay for the drinks, along with his own bit of wisdom about why her life always goes wrong. She's carrying around the recording of E.J.'s confession to the kidnapping in her purse, by the way. And she's contemplating doing the right thing by turning it in, before she freaks out that she'd get arrested and how everyone will find out what she did, and she'll lose Brady and NO WONDER SHE NEVER DOES THE RIGHT THING, RAFE! And omg, she's saying all of this out loud, of course.

Daniel and Melanie dine together at the pub. And Raawwrr. Daniel just made a cat noise. I don't know what to make of this. Mel calls Stephanie a life-ruiner. And Daniel decides he's gonna sound like a dad now. He wonders if Melanie's problem with her are because of something she did, or if it's because she's with Nathan. Oooh, rare wisdom from Danny Boy. Aww, Melanie loves her picket fence life. Melanie is worried, though, because she thinks working at University Hospital might give people the wrong impression about Daniel and Carly's involvement in her career, and she wants to make a name for herself. She doesn't want Daniel to be upset if St. Mary's offers her a job and she takes it. Having a new baby doesn't change how happy he is to be her dad. Later, outside, Daniel thinks it will be a great day.

Stephanie, luckily for her, gets to St. Mary's at the same time the desk girl leaves, and she gets onto the computer to check for Chloe's results. Unfortunately for her, Melanie shows up at the same time and wonders wtf she's doing there.

Nicole goes to see Brady again, and she "comes clean" about why she has so much money in an illegal account - which means she makes up a lie about her job and corrupt people and being afraid to go to the cops. Brady's dense and buys everything she's telling him, and they seem to make up considering the fact that they end up making out.

Rafe listens to whatever Nicole sent Fay, which is of course as we know, a recording of EJ talking about kidnapping Sydney. All we hear though, is E.J. saying he can't believe he's doing this, he must be out of his mind! But somehow Rafe puts together the whole story of E.J. kidnapping Sydney, and Nicole finding out/blackmailing him. Good boy. He also acknowledges Nicole is smart and figures out that she has the other part of the recording that is the proof he needs. OMG wat is this split screen thing going on. Rafe in one corner, Nicole and brady making out in another, and Sami and EJ on the other side. L M A O.

My heart belongs to that sweet, little, beautiful, wonderful, perfect All-American... Abe

Okay, this is a little different today, because I don't feel like scoring everything. I've given separate story elements base scores and thrown in extra points and deductions where necessary. I hope this works.

(-3) Henderson's being Sassy and Viv is wearing a riding hat (+5). HOW IS SHE EVEN REAL. Brady shows up at the mansion, no doubt to unleash his general addiction-induced asshattery. Vivian accuses Brady of freeloading off his grandfather, and Brady tells her that Victor doesn't care about her. Brady is being such an ass these days. Maybe these increasingly tighter shirts are cutting off circulation to his brain. I mean, I know it's Vivian, but still.

(+4) Victor shows up at Bo's house yelling, "GET OUT OF HERE YOU JACKALS!" (+2) Apparently there's press all over the place. LMAO. Victor tells Bo that he's sorry and that they're going to get Hope all the help she needs. Victor insists that this is Carly's fault! Even though Hope left and was angry WAY before Carly was even back in the picture. That's what I don't understand about people being so quick to blame her. Y'all are basic bitches. (-2) Bo says Victor can blame her all he wants, but the only thing that matters is taking care of Sierra and helping hope. All of a sudden, Maggie shows up to tell them that's the first smart thing either of them had said! Where was she hiding?! Ninja points! (+3) Victor wants Bo to hire the best lawyer he can and bill it to him! "I don't need your damn money!" OMFG, BOSEPH. LOL, he immediately apologizes and tells Victor he loves him, too. Which Maggie points that out to him. How sweet. Mags and Victor go for a walk, and he ignores a call. Probably from Vivian.

(+1) ...And it is Vivian, and she now thanks technology that she's now Victor's own private stalker. Wat. LOL, though.

(+2) Maggie and Victor are on a park bench. She cries about Hope, Victor consoles her, and Vivian finds them on a bench hugging in a great "Oh, you've GOT to be kidding me" kind of moment. LOL. Victor and Maggie agree to a cup of coffee, and Vivian threatens them from behind a tree.(LMAO +4) Back in Maggie's kitchen, she admits to being wrong, and Victor thinks it's impossible! Maggie thinks she was wrong to push Victor away, since they're friends and what's the point of friends if they can't talk?

(+4) Gus (+1) meets Viv at the mansion on her request, and she's complaining about how the redhead has lured Vic into her disgusting world of aprons and donuts. She wants to teach Maggie a lesson, and red doesn't know what she's up against!

(-3) Rafe overhears Elvis talking about his and Sami's engagement and says, "That's never gonna happen," as he walks away. Rafe punches stuff to work out the aggression. Well, it's a punching bag, but the emotion's still there! It's better than breathing really hard to express your frustration (Sami...).

(-5) Sami seems upset that Will doesn't have a more animated reaction to the news of her engagement. SAMI HATES PASSIVE AGGRESSIVENESS. Yes, Sami. Because huffing and puffing like a 5-year-old is how adults handle their anger. Will wonders about Sami's intent behind marrying E.J. and brings up Rafe. He also says that she's not putting her kids first (I'm giving Will points because he's fabulous +5), and the only reason why she's marrying E.J. is because he is the father of two of them. I'd like to take the time to remind us all who broke up Sami and WILL'S FATHER (and Allie's father) first. But, seriously. She doesn't seem to care about Will's feelings. She drove him to move in with Kate in the first place. And she asks him to say something, but gets angry when he does. I don't even know. Sami says that she and E.J. are compatible, and will snarks on her that "so were Dwight and Angela." The reference is lost on Sami, but not on me and Will gets extra points for being ~hip and cool. (+5) She also assures him the engagement has nothing to do with Rafe. Yeah, okay. (-3) Will doesn't want to talk about this anymore, and he doesn't think it's his place. (Plus, Sami doesn't seem to WANT anybody's opinion anyway.)

(+2) I missed a couple scenes in the middle (there was some EJ/Hope in there, I know that much), but now Sami and Will are at the pier smiling at each other and getting along, so I'm confused. But Will is still a smartass, and makes jokes about Sami getting married. Will leaves, and Rafe shows up at the pier and pointedly calls her "Mizzzzz Brady."

(+10) ABE CARVER IS HOPE'S FRIEND. OMG ABE CARVER IN THE BUILDING. Hope is worried about getting special treatment, just because of who she knows, her name, etc. And people keep saying her mind is not in the right place, but I'm like...she's the only one who sees why that's an actual problem. Arianna is already pissed off enough that people treat her like trash, don't give the girl (or anyone else of the disenfranchised in Salem) more reason to be angry. BUT WHO CARES, BECAUSE ABE IS WEARING AN AMERICAN FLAG PIN. PATRIOTISM, THY NAME IS CARVER. (+5)

(+2) Side note: Um, Abe was prescribed the same pills as Hope from the same hole-in-the-wall doctor. I wonder if they're ever going to address that. (-1) Or if they did and I was too busy marveling at Abe's patriotism to notice. Lexie wants time alone with Hope, and Abe isn't a sexist ass about leaving his wife alone with a violent criminal. That's because Abe Carver cares about people without being patronizing. Ah, perfection personified. Lexie hugs Hope and they cry. She tells Hope to take care of herself, without being righteous or telling Hope what to do about her legal trouble the way other people have been. What is it with Carvers being so awesome? Lexie mentions that Theo and Sierra have a play date, and with that she starts to leave. Hope wants Lexie to tell Abe she heard what he said, because WHO wants to let down Abe? NOBODY! (+4)

(-2) Elvis has a crooked...cop. (Whereas Nicole and Hope have a crooked Dick.) Anyway, EJ wants to get in to see hope, and I'm like...if everybody he's hurt/ruined had confrontation time with him, they'd need a take-a-number system. EJ gets into Hope's little holding room, and starts threatening her. (he's so classy -2) She tells him he's wasting his time, since she can't feel any worse than she already does. EJ wants to make sure Hope pays for what she did. Bo walks in and tells him not to threaten his wife.

(-1) Brady is now visiting Hope at the station, and is talking to Hope from an addict's perspective. He tells Hope to never give up. (Okay, +3) He's still wearing this tight shirt, but apparently, his jackass has worn off for the day.

(+8) THE CARVERS ARE PLAYING WITH THE DEMON CHILD SIERRA AT THE "BEACH." EXTRA POINTS. (+5) They talking about how they've talked about having another kid.

(-2) BO SHOWS UP AT THE DIMERA MANSION AND THREATENS TO KILL EJ. (+1) OOH. He wonders if it makes E.J. feel like a man to threaten a woman who's only hanging on by a thread. E.J. goes on blah blah blah, special treatment, blah.

(-3) Sami walks into Rafe's locker room and starts yelling at him, and this other bro that was in there decides he'll go to the shooting range where it's quieter. He tells her, "YOU'RE OUT OF YOUR EVERLOVING MIND!" (+4) for marrying E.J. Sami huffs and puffs. Apparently, Rafe has to accept that they're over. But Sami keeps yelling at him when he's like, YEAH OKAY. She can't have it both ways. And really, Samanther? What's the point, if you're over, you're over. Why does it matter who's to blame? Rafe doesn't believe she's in love with E.J. and he wants to prove it. They kiss passionately. LOL. This will end well.

Housekeeping points and the Grand Total

(-8) There was not enough funny hair for my liking. No tall Chad hair, no crazy Philip hair, no Bumpit. I don't even think there was an abundance of big, soap hair a la Chloe.
(+20) The Carver bonus.
(-10) IDK, I miss Philip.

Today's grand total is 60 POINTS. And yes, it was that glorious. I think my system today works for me, and the score sounds about right in comparison to the old system. So maybe I'll stick with it. Especially since it's not all over the place. I kind of like the other one though, so maybe I'll alternate?

Abe Rating

5 Happy Abes

I don't think I need to elaborate.

Tomorrow in Salem

If Melanie's marriage falls apart, Stephanie is going to lose Nathan. Nothing we all don't know. I don't understand what it is with soap girls who are so desperate to cling on to a guy who will leave them given the chance. (ICU, Gwen Hotchkiss.) Like, on paper, Stephanie could do better. In reality, well, she deserves a lion to bite her head off but that's because she always insists on talking.

Maggie wants to know what is going on between her grandson Nathan and Melanie. Oh-ho-ho. Nathan's hair looks kind of fluffy. All I can say is:

IDK what was going on in the clip, but it looked like E.J. was playing with babbies. Probably preparing to kidnap another one.