I'm sorry I called you a gap-toothed bitch. It's not your fault you're so gap-toothed.

Today's theme of the show was admitting you were wrong about people. Also, crazy people. But who cares, because the Cheatin' Heart is where it's at. It's where all my porno fantasies come true. In a less pervy way, I swear. Or not. IDK.

(-2) Hope's public defender doesn't understand why she didn't get a better lawyer, and Hope insists it would be a waste of time and money, since she's going to jail. Bo protests this. Hope doesn't want to keep discussing this. She plead guilty, it's over! She needs to pay! But Bo aks if Sierra should have to pay, too. Bo says Sierra needs Hope, but Hope thinks Demon Child is better off without her. Bo calls her a COWARD. OMFG. (+3 LOL points) Doug decides to take Bo for a walk, and apparently they're trusting JULIE to reason with her? (-1) Because JULIE was so reasonable last week. And she's still blaming Bo for everything. Classy bitch. (-1) Julie tells Hope that she's lost her way, and they'll help her find her way back. But they can't throw everything away! Doug, Julie and Bo have another conference about Hope, then Bo talks to her public defender. Hope has doubts about what Bo is up to, and Doug and Julie think she should trust him. He comes back and announces to Hope that there's been a change of plans. GASP. I haven't been hating this story lately, but bah. Nothing even happened today. (-1)

(+4) Shady guy starts choking Melanie when Nathan runs in. He gets in a rather uneventful fight with Pat Monahan (or random hobo, drug addict, common criminal, take your pick either way -5 for being gross), but injures his arm in the process. The guy runs away. Come on, no knife? Nathan checks up on Melanie to make sure she's okay after being nearly strangled, and they're touching and this would be an opportune moment for Philip to walk in for maximum awkwardness. She'll have bruises on her neck, but no permanent damage so I don't have to cut a bitch. (+1) She notes that the guy was obviously not very strong, but Nathan says the strangler was able to take HIM down. So what we learn is that Melanie is clearly tougher than Nathan. (+2) Melanie asks about Nathan's arm. He says it's fine, but Melanie knows he wouldn't admit if it was that bad anyway. She tells him to get an X-ray, he calls her Dr. Melanie(+1) , and she corrects him - "Dr. Kiriakis." (+1) Snap. They've had enough of the clinic in the ghetto for a day, and he offers to take Melanie home. Just outside of the Brady pub, Melanie tells Nathan she can get the rest of the way alone. Score one for independent Melanie. Free bitch, baby. (+4)

(-2) Back at Stephanie's humble abode, Ian tries to get the paternity test results but is creeped out by hacking into a hospital computer with the blessed mother staring at him. (LOL +3) Stephanie continues to freak out because Chloe's baby is important to her very existence. (-1) Ian gets through the firewall, and finds Dana Scott's file, but the results aren't in. Not GOOD enough for Miss Teen Pageant Racecar Driver Girl! Ian explains there may be a backup at the lab, and Stephanie curses! (-1) Nathan chooses such a time to arrive home, and he is confused at the scene he has happened upon. "What's going on? Who the hell are you?" This is how to politely greet guests in your home. Etiquette lessons from the young Dr. Horton. (+3) Nathan apologizes for being rude, as he's on edge because of the clinic attack. He excuses himself to take a shower. Boo, show this part instead of Stephanie. Anyway, before Ian leaves, he says that a girl as pretty and as smart as Stephanie shouldn't have to fight to keep anyone. (+1) Thank you, creepy Ian. Yet another person who doesn't understand why she's so desperate to keep Nathan. But according to Stephanie, Ian doesn't understand. Stephanie LOVES Nathan. Psycho.

(-3) Stephanie freaks out when she learns that Nathan was just with Melanie. He explains that the guy tried to strangle Red, and Stephanie jokes that the guy must know her well. Yes, Stephanie - a victim of rape, who was also kidnapped and rescued by MELANIE - is joking about Melanie being attacked. (-4) Classy. NATHAN IS NOT AMUSED. Stephanie is an actual bitch. She goes on about how everything turned out okay, blah blah blah, before she tells Nathan to get an X-ray, and then looks worriedly at her computer.

(+2) While Stefano goes on about how what if Rafe or Sami find out that Elvis arranged Sydney's kidnapping, Sami walks in and confusedly asks what he said. Sami says she overheard Stefano talking about EJ keeping Sydney away from Sami. Stefano tries to talk himself out of it (LMAO +4), and Sami tells him let EJ answer! Because THAT's how you'll get a straight answer. For sure. Fo' sho! (-2) IDK, I'm only paying attention to the background because Lexie walks into the mansion and greets and hugs Stefano! Lexie!!! (+3) She's there to hear EJ saying that he just wants to give Sami some time away from Sydney after the wedding, and he wants to ~occupy some of her time. Or something like that. (-1) But yes, Lexie hears this, and is shocked to hear they're getting married. Lexie is pure class, so she congratulates them, and jokingly says she's worried about Sami considering who her in-laws will be. (+2 whatever, she was cute) She offers to help Sami with the wedding, and Sami jokes about prescribing her family sedatives. (+1 okay Sami, I'll give you this one.)

(-1) Once they're alone, Lexie tells E.J. she's happy for him. I would get mad at Lexie for not seeing how stupid this is, but 1) she's a Carver and 2) she's telling E.J. how proud she is of him for getting what he wants and turning his life around, but now he's looking kind of guilty. Yeah, you should feel bad for getting undeserved words of kindness from Lexie Carver. (-1) Lexie believes in EJ and shit, but she's worried about Rafe. (+3 for juxtaposition of this scene being followed by a Rafe and Nicole scene.) Lexie hopes EJ is right about Rafe, and EJ says he and Sami are m2b. (VOM. -2) Meanwhile, Stefano is alone with Same tells her he was wrong about her or something and tries to hug her. LOL. (+2) Sami obnoxiously interrupts EJ and Lexie, and announces that Stefano was actually nice to her. OMFG, WOW SAMI. Lexie thinks if Stefano can actually be nice to Sami, maybe he'll let Lexie talk him into diet and exercise. Once in the privacy of the Dimera foyer, Lexie discusses her doubts with Stefano, and thinks there's more to the engagement than what's being said. Stefano hopes that with the marriage, the past will just go away. (+4 juxtaposition points because they cut to Nicole asking why Rafe is dwelling in the past..) After Lexie leaves, Sami rambles and EJ kisses her and shuts her up. Oh, look, I stopped paying attention. (-3 because I'm sure it was gross)

(+5) Nicole cries at the bar (-1 for anybody making Nicole cry), while Rafe lurks and creeps on her from outside. jositfjofjiot :DDDD He jokes about always meeting like this, and she tells him to go away. IT'S LOVE. Rafe apologizes for the way he acted last time with Nicole, and wants a chance to make it up to her. She refuses, throwing her drink in his face. (+2) Nicole wants to be left alone, but Rafe at least offers to buy her a drink to replace the one she threw. She can buy her own drink though, and as she's gathering up the contents of her purse, Rafe spots the missing CD recording of EJ's confession. (+4) As Rafe walks away, OMG this creepy guy at the bar recognizes Nicole from porn. HE CALLS HER MISTY, HER PORN NAME! I AM DYING DYING DYING. (+4) Ew, gross, tho. He's hitting on her and calling his friend about his favorite porn star (-2), and Nicole is mortified. (Sadface for Nicole. -2) Rafe threatens him to apologize and get the hell out. KNIGHT IN SHINING ARMOR. (+2) Poor Nicole is crying again. (SERIOUSLY? :( -2)

(+10) Rafe apologizes again for the way he treated Nicole, and she thanks him for helping her. Nicole and Rafe bond over drinks (+2) and loving EJ and Sami, but not being able to make it work. Rafe tells Nicole about how unfair it is that she did everything for E.J. and now he's acting ~sanctimonious and he's marrying Sami? WHAT. A JERK, THAT EJ. Nicole sarcastically calls EJ a Prince. (+1) Rafe says Sami thinks he's obsessed with Elvis, and seeing evil where there isn't because HE'S just JEALOUS. LOL, Nicole thinks the same thing we're all thinking - JFC, REALLY SAMI? (-5 for Sami, but +3 for Nicole) She feels bad for him, and says the next round of drinks is on her. Rafe tells Nicole all about what he and Sami went through when Sydney went missing, and Nicole starts to feel guilty - especially at the part where EJ made Sami believe Sydney was dead. He asks Nicole to tell him that EJ's a good guy, but she knows she can't honestly say that. (+1 THANK YOU) Nicole wonders why Rafe keeps bringing up the past. Nicole says Rafe's not normal, he's FBI. And then wonders if he's on the job. ARE YOU WEARING A WIRE? She keeps trying to look down Rafe's shirt, and he asks if she wants to frisk him. (OH MY GOD. +5) Nicole makes Rafe stand up, because she is about to give rafe a proper pat-down like she learned in prison. Before she can, she stumbles drunkenly onto him and they fall into his chair and she's right in his lap. (OMG OMG OMG +5, but I do have to subtract points, because officially, Rafe's just playing her right now, tho. WHY U DO DIS, WRITERS? -3)

(-1) Daniel wants to know what's up with Chloe and Carly, and they say that their big secret is that they're spending girl time together at the spa for Chloe's birthday. Daniel's mind is blown by his womens hanging out together, and he wishes he didn't have to miss it. Carly's all, BITCH you weren't invited anyway. (+2) He and Chloe say it can be the start of a beautiful friendship, while Carly looks upset and uncomfortable. (-3 she does this a lot) Chloe admits that she was wrong about Carly, and apologizes. (+1 because that seems to be the theme of today's edition.) Dr. Dan talks to Melanie on the phone, and says they'll wait for her if she meets them at the pier. He oh-so-subtly tries to get rid of Chloe (-2 because don't we all wish it were that easy?), and just straight up tells Chloe that he wants to discuss her BIRTHDAY SURPRISE with Melanie when she gets there. Chloe agrees to leave, so as not to be spoiled. Once Melanie gets to the pier, her parents immediately spot the bruises on her neck. (-2 because I can't see it. Her neck is just extra red, if anything.) She is freaked out by all the parenting going on at once. Anyway, they move on Melanie thinks everything's possible and is excited about the baby and about Chloe and Carly being friends. Daniel and Melanie leave together, and Carly hopes to god Melanie is right. She calls Chloe to tell her for the millionth time that her results will be ready in the morning. (-3)

Bonus Points, Grand Total + Abe Rating

(+10) For Nathan's hair. And the fact that he was whining about his arm all day, and I was amused. If Philip were on today, the hair quotient would go way up. I'm also adding points, though, because Stephanie's new old friend Ian had his hair down when he started asking Stephanie about what she needs~, and suddenly we cut to him with his tied back. What the heck. Magic hair points.
(-10) For added, less amusing confusion, I couldn't tell if it was day or night in Salem. Hope's case seemed to be JUST starting, which would lead me to believe it's day. I assumed the Cheatin' Heart people (Rafe/Nicole, Daniel/Chloe/Carly from yesterday as time carried over today) were nighttime, especially since they're all ready for tomorrow. Melanie and Nathan were walking around in daylight after their shift at the clinic - and for comparison, Philip dropped Melanie off (in yesterday's) for this very shift, and was seen drinking at the Brady Pub past 5pm afterward. SO. I AM CONFUSED.
(+12) Michelle Obama appearance. And being cute with Stefano!
(+10) Rafe and Nicole: we're making them more canon here at AOOL just by sheer will. OMFG.

Apparently, this gives us a total of 56 points (I think?), I thought that Rafe and Nicole would send the score flying through the roof, but it was a pretty boring episode otherwise.

3 Happy Abes

Abe is happy that his wife is adorable, and he's happy that I'm happy that Rafe and Nicole are so becoming canon, but he was just kind of bored otherwise.

Tomrrow's Salem Time Warp

Hope pleads guilty, Arianna shows up at the bar and finds Nicole in Rafe's lap ("Are you out of your freakin' mind?!"), and EJ and Sami continue to be boring.

Islanded in a stream of gasoline

On today's show, we Carly, Hope and Nicole put together their Emmy reels for Salem's Craziest Bitch. Sadly, nobody tells them that is not an Emmy category.

(-3) Rafe isn't done talking to sami. and since last night, i have found out that YESTERDAY, she was dropping off his mail and telling him that she wants to permanently move in with E.J. because Marlena's selling her property. Rafe kisses her, and clearly this is another one of Sami's dreams. Why does Sami think Rafe needs to make a move. He's not the one living with bb!Elvis. IDK, though, you guys. I thought he was pretty clearly discouraged by that when he came back. They both need to find some balls, jfc.

(-4) Chloe shows up at the hospital and asks Carly about the paternity test. Carly reminds her that she'll keep her mouth shut if it's Daniel's. And I already know that there will be no new developments in this story today. They will probably have the same conversation they've been having for days.

(+5) Hope douses Bo in gasoline and thinks that she'll be at peace somehow after this. Daniel, for some reason, is at Bo's door. This is exactly what is happening, I don't know how I can exaggerate this, because it is so random. Points for leaving me baffled.

(+3) New plan: next time I discuss my damning secrets on the Salem pier, I'm just going to call out, "You can come out now, I know you're listening!" Just to see if that would draw anyone out. Because Rafe is hiding behind a pathetic bush while Nicole and E.J. talk about their secrets and assume nobody can hear them. Then they leave, and Rafe follows. RIVETING.

(+1) Hope cries and stares at a picture of her, Bo and Sierra and takes a little time for self-reflection before lighting a match. How poignant.

(+3) Ooh, Dickole scene. Points for my favorite ship name in a scene. Nicole tells him that they're in the clear for framing Ari, now that EJ has to set her free. Meaning, haaaa. This will probably blow up in her face, even though I actually kind of hope it won't.

(-3) As Sami chastises herself for thinking Rafe could possibly be in love with her (I can't.), there's a knock at the door. And what do you know, it's actually Rafe at the door. A+ for a psychic dream from Sami, even though she ALWAYS dreams about Rafe showing up and making out with her. I hope this means she actually has the Power of the Standish women ... another possession-type storyline would be fun. But I mean, really Sami. There's a reason you're always dreaming about Rafe, while you have to keep convincing yourself that you could spend your life with E.J. (And that reason is that you belong with Lucas, but since the writers ruined that, you should stick with Rafe, because you just really need a nice guy, okay.)

(-1) Carly is at fault for all of Chloe's lies! Chloe, it's not her fault that you can't tell believable lies. The thing about Carly agreeing to keep Chloe's secret is that even Chloe doesn't appreciate it! She should have told when she had the chance, because when it all comes out, Melanie AND Daniel are going to ~hate~ her. And I'll be annoyed, not because people hate Carly, but because we've already played the Melanie hates Carly thing.

(+4) Daniel finds Bo, and has at least figured out that he smells like gas. I was not sure he would understand that much. Points for him defying my expectations.

(-2) Rafe comes around the Dimera mansion asking Sami about E.J. Basically, he and E.J. should get married. He tells Sami about Nicole and E.J.'s secret truce, and judging from her huffing, she won't believe that E.J. is ACTUALLY up to something.

(-2) Chloe says that this has all just gotten way out of hand. YOU THINK? Carly is sympathetic-ish. And Chloe isn't shrieking at her. But much like our current version of Hope PM, she isn't exactly consistent in her attitude toward Carly. It's all self-wallowing and then she turns around and says that Carly did something...or something. Ah yes, apparently it's Carly's fault for keeping Chloe's secret and letting her spin a sticky web of lies and postponing her wedding to Daniel. Girl, it's all for the best. Would you really have wanted to marry Daniel in a church, and then when it all inevitably goes south, have to get yet ANOTHER annulment. I didn't know the church handed them out like candy, to be honest. Well, on soaps they do.

(+6) Dickole bid farewell to each other. The end of a beautiful relationship, truly. But I'll give them points because Nicole was really cute in the way she just kind of skipped off like the world was sunshine and rainbows. Basically, this blog is just a way for me to praise everything that Nicole does these days. Whatever, she's entertaining as hell. And at least she KNOWS what she wants and goes after it.

(+3) Sirens surround Bo's house as Daniel tries to keep his poor heart beating. Hope seems to have decided against shooting them, and I'm just wondering if her bumpit hair is big enough to conceal her tiny-ass gun.

(+2) Carly continues to blame herself for the global warming that is responsible for Chloe's tan. Oh, and for Vivian setting up Chloe. But come on, Carly. Vivian is crazy. That's what makes her fabulous. I'm going to need a chart of who blames whom for what problem at any given time of the day. Points, because I would love a Melanie and her two mommies (Chloe and Carly) craft hour where they make this chart.

(+1) Carly is called away to the ER, and I'm waiting for Chloe to curse Carly for leaving her to fend for herself against her own thoughts. ... I'll give her positive GOE here, because she refrained from doing so.

(-1) Sami implies that Rafe is having an affair with his 12-year-old secretary. The old Sami would have planted evidence. She is so lime green jello.

(+1) OMG CHLOE IS GOING TO KILL FATHER MATT. Okay, no she's not. But she wants him to stomach ANOTHER one of her confessions. Have some mercy on the priest, before even HE wants to throw himself down the four or five steps. I'll give her credit for getting my hopes up. I usually don't even bother hoping for something exciting from diva.

(+6) I like that they're meeting on the pier, though, so soon after Nicole, E.J. and stealth!Rafe left. Because I'd like to think it perpetuates the notion that Nadia is out to steal Alison Sweeney/Sami's men via "Eclipse"! (Did you SEE THE TWITTER DRAMA OVER THIS? On whose team are you? Do you believe that Nadia is trainwreck ho who should get lost? Or would you RATHER watch this version of that storyline. Hmm. Decisions.)

(-2) At some point, Roman shows up at Bo's with a few EMTs and says that they got an anonymous tip. Hope realizes that Dick called the cops to stop her from killing Bo. Girl is pissed, but I'm not getting any hilarious soundbites from her like she's been delivering for the past few days. Sad.

(-1) LOL at the hospital, Bo is shirtless. And this is the first form of half-nakedness we get in two days. I don't know what kind of kinks the writers have, but unconscious, hairy, dying dude is not hot.

(+2) Carly runs in and freaks out on Daniel to save him. I want to go to the med school where screaming and shouting is a form of saving lives. Anyway, Daniel wants them to screen Bo for toxins, which means he's used deductive reasoning and didn't just assume Bo passed out for fun. Good for him. See, this is what I'm saying. They guys on this show are so stupid around women. Daniel is usually dense as hell.

· (Sidenote, if I were writing the show like I think the writers write the show. I would assume that Bo's probably going to call Hope's name when he wakes up, and people [Carly] are going to believe it's because he wants/loves Hope. Yeah, that's more or less true, but this is Days, so nobody's going to realize that he's implicating Hope in the crime.)

(-1) EJ comes home, and Sami is tense. Ugh, negative point because I don't care.

(+3) RAFE AND NICOLE AT THE BRADY PUB AT THE SAME TIME. IT'S FATE! THEY ARE SO IN LOVE NOW, RIGHT? He's looking at her with suspicion. This means that by Christmas, they'll be engaged. Yes, please.

(+3) Hope is fuh-reaking out, because Bo can I.D. her as the culprit. She's like SCREAMING at Dick and stuff. She's breaking Dick's heart in the process, because now she has to finish the job before Bo gets her caught. But Dick just wants to run away with each other. Islands in the stream and all. Oh, and the fact that if Hope gets caught, he's had a pretty heavy hand in all her crimes. So, there's that. I give Dick extra points for his little speech that was pretty much "I'm a terrible person, mugging people was fun, but murder is scurry and I can tell you're just an angry woman so I won't let you fall into the dark abyss of soullessness!"

(+3) And Carly is still fuh-reaking out and screaming at Daniel to save Bo. LMAO Bo doesn't even look like he's going to die. He's just unconscious. I don't know. But man, his women are CRAZY. He sure knows how to pick 'em. Let's bring back Billie now, and see if she can fully rotate a hissy fit. With Hope's two personalities, Carly, and a random appearance by Billie, Bo's love life could be a quad flip of crazy. Where do I start the campaign for Billie to show up for two seconds?

(+5) And not to be outdone by crazy brunettes, Nicole yells at someone on the phone about a car getting towed. Rafe looks on. He's probably turned on, but the writers won't admit it.

(-4) Chloe wants Father Matt to tell her that she's horrible. I do too, but he won't. Basically, he knows she doesn't want his help and that she just wants him to keep his mouth shut. All he wants from her is probably a long vacation, and maybe aspirin.

(-2) Hope shows up at the hospital to finish the job. She watches Daniel and Carly remind us that we're all confused as to why they say she's with Bo, when she and Daniel spend a lot more time together and make a more convincing couple. I still don't even know why Daniel was even at Bo's. Lolz.

(-2) Sami tells EJ that since her mother is selling her townhouse, she wants to stay at the Dimera mansion permanently. Seriously, she used to live on her own and do just fine. Since she was going on about all the perks of the Dimera mansion to Rafe - there's always someone there to help her, the kids have both their parents at home, Will lives there - does that mean she can actually get a job? Because girl needs a backup plan, for when she inevitably (and six months too late) finds out that E.J., while he probably does care about his kids and shit, is bad news.

(+3) In a charming new development, she confronts E.J. about Rafe. He says "Trust me." and she hears everybody she knows telling her not to. She decides to listen to E.J. instead. Maybe it's the accent. She wants to confront Nicole and tell her, "Leave us alone! I know everything!" But we all know that Sami does not, in fact, know what Nicole knows. E.J. also knows that, so he humors Sami, but then tells her that there's no reason to talk to Nicole. Because Nicole is the crazy one who no one can trust, right? I'm giving E.J. points because I love his paranoia. But come on, I love how Sami is okay with trusting E.J. but doesn't think Nicole could ever tell the truth. Nicole just wants her man, okay. At least she's open about it. I have no idea what Sami and E.J. want, so that makes them a little more dangerous in my mind.

(+10) Rafe has his new bartender friend (his bro-tender?) spill Worcestershire sauce on Nicole, probably to get her shirt off. This is how all the best pornos start. (Note from @feelingamazing: "AND NICOLE WOULD KNOW!" OHHHH SNAP! HIGH FIVES ALL AROUND! YESSS.)

(-1) No, Rafe just wants to snoop through her stuff. Boring. He probably thought about the porn scenario though.

(+3) Hope whispers sweet nothings about killing him to an unconscious Bo. And I think every day this week has ended in Bo and Hope so far. Am I wrong? I think Tuesday might have been Daniel and Chloe. But man, with the amount of screentime Hope's story is getting, the writers are trying to convince me they're actually going somewhere with this!

Bonus points and deductions

(-5) All this Sami drama AND Chad killing his mom drama this week, and no Will. I realized this and it made me sad.
(+8) Aside from Bo in the hospital, there has been no gratuitous nudity in two days. But I'm giving them the points, because the porniest scene was Rafe and Nicole.
(-20) for no Carvers. But sidenote: good for Salem for reminding me that, even though I joke about Lexie being the only doctor, they've actually been loading the cast with doctors recently. I'm waiting to find out that Melanie is a medical prodigy like her big bro Max, even though they're not biologically related.

Today's grand total is 21 points, and I think I added that all properly. We fared slightly better than yesterday, even though I'm pretty sure I enjoyed it (okay, really mostly Nicole.) way more than the score reflects. But this just goes to show that the little things add up. Factor that, and the lack of many high scoring elements - namely Philip's hair, Abe Carver, or a quad - it just goes to show that you can't afford to make little mistakes in the long program.

· Abe Rating

3 Happy Abes

While the Carvers were, once again, poorly represented, Abe is happy because Nicole is somehow like sunshine on this show. Plus, isn't he Nicole's brother's biological father? So they're practically family!

Thank Salem It's Friday

BO'S CRASHING! Nicole spies a trap! Something else that I don't quite remember!