I'm sorry I called you a gap-toothed bitch. It's not your fault you're so gap-toothed.

Today's theme of the show was admitting you were wrong about people. Also, crazy people. But who cares, because the Cheatin' Heart is where it's at. It's where all my porno fantasies come true. In a less pervy way, I swear. Or not. IDK.

(-2) Hope's public defender doesn't understand why she didn't get a better lawyer, and Hope insists it would be a waste of time and money, since she's going to jail. Bo protests this. Hope doesn't want to keep discussing this. She plead guilty, it's over! She needs to pay! But Bo aks if Sierra should have to pay, too. Bo says Sierra needs Hope, but Hope thinks Demon Child is better off without her. Bo calls her a COWARD. OMFG. (+3 LOL points) Doug decides to take Bo for a walk, and apparently they're trusting JULIE to reason with her? (-1) Because JULIE was so reasonable last week. And she's still blaming Bo for everything. Classy bitch. (-1) Julie tells Hope that she's lost her way, and they'll help her find her way back. But they can't throw everything away! Doug, Julie and Bo have another conference about Hope, then Bo talks to her public defender. Hope has doubts about what Bo is up to, and Doug and Julie think she should trust him. He comes back and announces to Hope that there's been a change of plans. GASP. I haven't been hating this story lately, but bah. Nothing even happened today. (-1)

(+4) Shady guy starts choking Melanie when Nathan runs in. He gets in a rather uneventful fight with Pat Monahan (or random hobo, drug addict, common criminal, take your pick either way -5 for being gross), but injures his arm in the process. The guy runs away. Come on, no knife? Nathan checks up on Melanie to make sure she's okay after being nearly strangled, and they're touching and this would be an opportune moment for Philip to walk in for maximum awkwardness. She'll have bruises on her neck, but no permanent damage so I don't have to cut a bitch. (+1) She notes that the guy was obviously not very strong, but Nathan says the strangler was able to take HIM down. So what we learn is that Melanie is clearly tougher than Nathan. (+2) Melanie asks about Nathan's arm. He says it's fine, but Melanie knows he wouldn't admit if it was that bad anyway. She tells him to get an X-ray, he calls her Dr. Melanie(+1) , and she corrects him - "Dr. Kiriakis." (+1) Snap. They've had enough of the clinic in the ghetto for a day, and he offers to take Melanie home. Just outside of the Brady pub, Melanie tells Nathan she can get the rest of the way alone. Score one for independent Melanie. Free bitch, baby. (+4)

(-2) Back at Stephanie's humble abode, Ian tries to get the paternity test results but is creeped out by hacking into a hospital computer with the blessed mother staring at him. (LOL +3) Stephanie continues to freak out because Chloe's baby is important to her very existence. (-1) Ian gets through the firewall, and finds Dana Scott's file, but the results aren't in. Not GOOD enough for Miss Teen Pageant Racecar Driver Girl! Ian explains there may be a backup at the lab, and Stephanie curses! (-1) Nathan chooses such a time to arrive home, and he is confused at the scene he has happened upon. "What's going on? Who the hell are you?" This is how to politely greet guests in your home. Etiquette lessons from the young Dr. Horton. (+3) Nathan apologizes for being rude, as he's on edge because of the clinic attack. He excuses himself to take a shower. Boo, show this part instead of Stephanie. Anyway, before Ian leaves, he says that a girl as pretty and as smart as Stephanie shouldn't have to fight to keep anyone. (+1) Thank you, creepy Ian. Yet another person who doesn't understand why she's so desperate to keep Nathan. But according to Stephanie, Ian doesn't understand. Stephanie LOVES Nathan. Psycho.

(-3) Stephanie freaks out when she learns that Nathan was just with Melanie. He explains that the guy tried to strangle Red, and Stephanie jokes that the guy must know her well. Yes, Stephanie - a victim of rape, who was also kidnapped and rescued by MELANIE - is joking about Melanie being attacked. (-4) Classy. NATHAN IS NOT AMUSED. Stephanie is an actual bitch. She goes on about how everything turned out okay, blah blah blah, before she tells Nathan to get an X-ray, and then looks worriedly at her computer.

(+2) While Stefano goes on about how what if Rafe or Sami find out that Elvis arranged Sydney's kidnapping, Sami walks in and confusedly asks what he said. Sami says she overheard Stefano talking about EJ keeping Sydney away from Sami. Stefano tries to talk himself out of it (LMAO +4), and Sami tells him let EJ answer! Because THAT's how you'll get a straight answer. For sure. Fo' sho! (-2) IDK, I'm only paying attention to the background because Lexie walks into the mansion and greets and hugs Stefano! Lexie!!! (+3) She's there to hear EJ saying that he just wants to give Sami some time away from Sydney after the wedding, and he wants to ~occupy some of her time. Or something like that. (-1) But yes, Lexie hears this, and is shocked to hear they're getting married. Lexie is pure class, so she congratulates them, and jokingly says she's worried about Sami considering who her in-laws will be. (+2 whatever, she was cute) She offers to help Sami with the wedding, and Sami jokes about prescribing her family sedatives. (+1 okay Sami, I'll give you this one.)

(-1) Once they're alone, Lexie tells E.J. she's happy for him. I would get mad at Lexie for not seeing how stupid this is, but 1) she's a Carver and 2) she's telling E.J. how proud she is of him for getting what he wants and turning his life around, but now he's looking kind of guilty. Yeah, you should feel bad for getting undeserved words of kindness from Lexie Carver. (-1) Lexie believes in EJ and shit, but she's worried about Rafe. (+3 for juxtaposition of this scene being followed by a Rafe and Nicole scene.) Lexie hopes EJ is right about Rafe, and EJ says he and Sami are m2b. (VOM. -2) Meanwhile, Stefano is alone with Same tells her he was wrong about her or something and tries to hug her. LOL. (+2) Sami obnoxiously interrupts EJ and Lexie, and announces that Stefano was actually nice to her. OMFG, WOW SAMI. Lexie thinks if Stefano can actually be nice to Sami, maybe he'll let Lexie talk him into diet and exercise. Once in the privacy of the Dimera foyer, Lexie discusses her doubts with Stefano, and thinks there's more to the engagement than what's being said. Stefano hopes that with the marriage, the past will just go away. (+4 juxtaposition points because they cut to Nicole asking why Rafe is dwelling in the past..) After Lexie leaves, Sami rambles and EJ kisses her and shuts her up. Oh, look, I stopped paying attention. (-3 because I'm sure it was gross)

(+5) Nicole cries at the bar (-1 for anybody making Nicole cry), while Rafe lurks and creeps on her from outside. jositfjofjiot :DDDD He jokes about always meeting like this, and she tells him to go away. IT'S LOVE. Rafe apologizes for the way he acted last time with Nicole, and wants a chance to make it up to her. She refuses, throwing her drink in his face. (+2) Nicole wants to be left alone, but Rafe at least offers to buy her a drink to replace the one she threw. She can buy her own drink though, and as she's gathering up the contents of her purse, Rafe spots the missing CD recording of EJ's confession. (+4) As Rafe walks away, OMG this creepy guy at the bar recognizes Nicole from porn. HE CALLS HER MISTY, HER PORN NAME! I AM DYING DYING DYING. (+4) Ew, gross, tho. He's hitting on her and calling his friend about his favorite porn star (-2), and Nicole is mortified. (Sadface for Nicole. -2) Rafe threatens him to apologize and get the hell out. KNIGHT IN SHINING ARMOR. (+2) Poor Nicole is crying again. (SERIOUSLY? :( -2)

(+10) Rafe apologizes again for the way he treated Nicole, and she thanks him for helping her. Nicole and Rafe bond over drinks (+2) and loving EJ and Sami, but not being able to make it work. Rafe tells Nicole about how unfair it is that she did everything for E.J. and now he's acting ~sanctimonious and he's marrying Sami? WHAT. A JERK, THAT EJ. Nicole sarcastically calls EJ a Prince. (+1) Rafe says Sami thinks he's obsessed with Elvis, and seeing evil where there isn't because HE'S just JEALOUS. LOL, Nicole thinks the same thing we're all thinking - JFC, REALLY SAMI? (-5 for Sami, but +3 for Nicole) She feels bad for him, and says the next round of drinks is on her. Rafe tells Nicole all about what he and Sami went through when Sydney went missing, and Nicole starts to feel guilty - especially at the part where EJ made Sami believe Sydney was dead. He asks Nicole to tell him that EJ's a good guy, but she knows she can't honestly say that. (+1 THANK YOU) Nicole wonders why Rafe keeps bringing up the past. Nicole says Rafe's not normal, he's FBI. And then wonders if he's on the job. ARE YOU WEARING A WIRE? She keeps trying to look down Rafe's shirt, and he asks if she wants to frisk him. (OH MY GOD. +5) Nicole makes Rafe stand up, because she is about to give rafe a proper pat-down like she learned in prison. Before she can, she stumbles drunkenly onto him and they fall into his chair and she's right in his lap. (OMG OMG OMG +5, but I do have to subtract points, because officially, Rafe's just playing her right now, tho. WHY U DO DIS, WRITERS? -3)

(-1) Daniel wants to know what's up with Chloe and Carly, and they say that their big secret is that they're spending girl time together at the spa for Chloe's birthday. Daniel's mind is blown by his womens hanging out together, and he wishes he didn't have to miss it. Carly's all, BITCH you weren't invited anyway. (+2) He and Chloe say it can be the start of a beautiful friendship, while Carly looks upset and uncomfortable. (-3 she does this a lot) Chloe admits that she was wrong about Carly, and apologizes. (+1 because that seems to be the theme of today's edition.) Dr. Dan talks to Melanie on the phone, and says they'll wait for her if she meets them at the pier. He oh-so-subtly tries to get rid of Chloe (-2 because don't we all wish it were that easy?), and just straight up tells Chloe that he wants to discuss her BIRTHDAY SURPRISE with Melanie when she gets there. Chloe agrees to leave, so as not to be spoiled. Once Melanie gets to the pier, her parents immediately spot the bruises on her neck. (-2 because I can't see it. Her neck is just extra red, if anything.) She is freaked out by all the parenting going on at once. Anyway, they move on Melanie thinks everything's possible and is excited about the baby and about Chloe and Carly being friends. Daniel and Melanie leave together, and Carly hopes to god Melanie is right. She calls Chloe to tell her for the millionth time that her results will be ready in the morning. (-3)

Bonus Points, Grand Total + Abe Rating

(+10) For Nathan's hair. And the fact that he was whining about his arm all day, and I was amused. If Philip were on today, the hair quotient would go way up. I'm also adding points, though, because Stephanie's new old friend Ian had his hair down when he started asking Stephanie about what she needs~, and suddenly we cut to him with his tied back. What the heck. Magic hair points.
(-10) For added, less amusing confusion, I couldn't tell if it was day or night in Salem. Hope's case seemed to be JUST starting, which would lead me to believe it's day. I assumed the Cheatin' Heart people (Rafe/Nicole, Daniel/Chloe/Carly from yesterday as time carried over today) were nighttime, especially since they're all ready for tomorrow. Melanie and Nathan were walking around in daylight after their shift at the clinic - and for comparison, Philip dropped Melanie off (in yesterday's) for this very shift, and was seen drinking at the Brady Pub past 5pm afterward. SO. I AM CONFUSED.
(+12) Michelle Obama appearance. And being cute with Stefano!
(+10) Rafe and Nicole: we're making them more canon here at AOOL just by sheer will. OMFG.

Apparently, this gives us a total of 56 points (I think?), I thought that Rafe and Nicole would send the score flying through the roof, but it was a pretty boring episode otherwise.

3 Happy Abes

Abe is happy that his wife is adorable, and he's happy that I'm happy that Rafe and Nicole are so becoming canon, but he was just kind of bored otherwise.

Tomrrow's Salem Time Warp

Hope pleads guilty, Arianna shows up at the bar and finds Nicole in Rafe's lap ("Are you out of your freakin' mind?!"), and EJ and Sami continue to be boring.

My heart belongs to that sweet, little, beautiful, wonderful, perfect All-American... Abe

Okay, this is a little different today, because I don't feel like scoring everything. I've given separate story elements base scores and thrown in extra points and deductions where necessary. I hope this works.

(-3) Henderson's being Sassy and Viv is wearing a riding hat (+5). HOW IS SHE EVEN REAL. Brady shows up at the mansion, no doubt to unleash his general addiction-induced asshattery. Vivian accuses Brady of freeloading off his grandfather, and Brady tells her that Victor doesn't care about her. Brady is being such an ass these days. Maybe these increasingly tighter shirts are cutting off circulation to his brain. I mean, I know it's Vivian, but still.

(+4) Victor shows up at Bo's house yelling, "GET OUT OF HERE YOU JACKALS!" (+2) Apparently there's press all over the place. LMAO. Victor tells Bo that he's sorry and that they're going to get Hope all the help she needs. Victor insists that this is Carly's fault! Even though Hope left and was angry WAY before Carly was even back in the picture. That's what I don't understand about people being so quick to blame her. Y'all are basic bitches. (-2) Bo says Victor can blame her all he wants, but the only thing that matters is taking care of Sierra and helping hope. All of a sudden, Maggie shows up to tell them that's the first smart thing either of them had said! Where was she hiding?! Ninja points! (+3) Victor wants Bo to hire the best lawyer he can and bill it to him! "I don't need your damn money!" OMFG, BOSEPH. LOL, he immediately apologizes and tells Victor he loves him, too. Which Maggie points that out to him. How sweet. Mags and Victor go for a walk, and he ignores a call. Probably from Vivian.

(+1) ...And it is Vivian, and she now thanks technology that she's now Victor's own private stalker. Wat. LOL, though.

(+2) Maggie and Victor are on a park bench. She cries about Hope, Victor consoles her, and Vivian finds them on a bench hugging in a great "Oh, you've GOT to be kidding me" kind of moment. LOL. Victor and Maggie agree to a cup of coffee, and Vivian threatens them from behind a tree.(LMAO +4) Back in Maggie's kitchen, she admits to being wrong, and Victor thinks it's impossible! Maggie thinks she was wrong to push Victor away, since they're friends and what's the point of friends if they can't talk?

(+4) Gus (+1) meets Viv at the mansion on her request, and she's complaining about how the redhead has lured Vic into her disgusting world of aprons and donuts. She wants to teach Maggie a lesson, and red doesn't know what she's up against!

(-3) Rafe overhears Elvis talking about his and Sami's engagement and says, "That's never gonna happen," as he walks away. Rafe punches stuff to work out the aggression. Well, it's a punching bag, but the emotion's still there! It's better than breathing really hard to express your frustration (Sami...).

(-5) Sami seems upset that Will doesn't have a more animated reaction to the news of her engagement. SAMI HATES PASSIVE AGGRESSIVENESS. Yes, Sami. Because huffing and puffing like a 5-year-old is how adults handle their anger. Will wonders about Sami's intent behind marrying E.J. and brings up Rafe. He also says that she's not putting her kids first (I'm giving Will points because he's fabulous +5), and the only reason why she's marrying E.J. is because he is the father of two of them. I'd like to take the time to remind us all who broke up Sami and WILL'S FATHER (and Allie's father) first. But, seriously. She doesn't seem to care about Will's feelings. She drove him to move in with Kate in the first place. And she asks him to say something, but gets angry when he does. I don't even know. Sami says that she and E.J. are compatible, and will snarks on her that "so were Dwight and Angela." The reference is lost on Sami, but not on me and Will gets extra points for being ~hip and cool. (+5) She also assures him the engagement has nothing to do with Rafe. Yeah, okay. (-3) Will doesn't want to talk about this anymore, and he doesn't think it's his place. (Plus, Sami doesn't seem to WANT anybody's opinion anyway.)

(+2) I missed a couple scenes in the middle (there was some EJ/Hope in there, I know that much), but now Sami and Will are at the pier smiling at each other and getting along, so I'm confused. But Will is still a smartass, and makes jokes about Sami getting married. Will leaves, and Rafe shows up at the pier and pointedly calls her "Mizzzzz Brady."

(+10) ABE CARVER IS HOPE'S FRIEND. OMG ABE CARVER IN THE BUILDING. Hope is worried about getting special treatment, just because of who she knows, her name, etc. And people keep saying her mind is not in the right place, but I'm like...she's the only one who sees why that's an actual problem. Arianna is already pissed off enough that people treat her like trash, don't give the girl (or anyone else of the disenfranchised in Salem) more reason to be angry. BUT WHO CARES, BECAUSE ABE IS WEARING AN AMERICAN FLAG PIN. PATRIOTISM, THY NAME IS CARVER. (+5)

(+2) Side note: Um, Abe was prescribed the same pills as Hope from the same hole-in-the-wall doctor. I wonder if they're ever going to address that. (-1) Or if they did and I was too busy marveling at Abe's patriotism to notice. Lexie wants time alone with Hope, and Abe isn't a sexist ass about leaving his wife alone with a violent criminal. That's because Abe Carver cares about people without being patronizing. Ah, perfection personified. Lexie hugs Hope and they cry. She tells Hope to take care of herself, without being righteous or telling Hope what to do about her legal trouble the way other people have been. What is it with Carvers being so awesome? Lexie mentions that Theo and Sierra have a play date, and with that she starts to leave. Hope wants Lexie to tell Abe she heard what he said, because WHO wants to let down Abe? NOBODY! (+4)

(-2) Elvis has a crooked...cop. (Whereas Nicole and Hope have a crooked Dick.) Anyway, EJ wants to get in to see hope, and I'm like...if everybody he's hurt/ruined had confrontation time with him, they'd need a take-a-number system. EJ gets into Hope's little holding room, and starts threatening her. (he's so classy -2) She tells him he's wasting his time, since she can't feel any worse than she already does. EJ wants to make sure Hope pays for what she did. Bo walks in and tells him not to threaten his wife.

(-1) Brady is now visiting Hope at the station, and is talking to Hope from an addict's perspective. He tells Hope to never give up. (Okay, +3) He's still wearing this tight shirt, but apparently, his jackass has worn off for the day.

(+8) THE CARVERS ARE PLAYING WITH THE DEMON CHILD SIERRA AT THE "BEACH." EXTRA POINTS. (+5) They talking about how they've talked about having another kid.

(-2) BO SHOWS UP AT THE DIMERA MANSION AND THREATENS TO KILL EJ. (+1) OOH. He wonders if it makes E.J. feel like a man to threaten a woman who's only hanging on by a thread. E.J. goes on blah blah blah, special treatment, blah.

(-3) Sami walks into Rafe's locker room and starts yelling at him, and this other bro that was in there decides he'll go to the shooting range where it's quieter. He tells her, "YOU'RE OUT OF YOUR EVERLOVING MIND!" (+4) for marrying E.J. Sami huffs and puffs. Apparently, Rafe has to accept that they're over. But Sami keeps yelling at him when he's like, YEAH OKAY. She can't have it both ways. And really, Samanther? What's the point, if you're over, you're over. Why does it matter who's to blame? Rafe doesn't believe she's in love with E.J. and he wants to prove it. They kiss passionately. LOL. This will end well.

Housekeeping points and the Grand Total

(-8) There was not enough funny hair for my liking. No tall Chad hair, no crazy Philip hair, no Bumpit. I don't even think there was an abundance of big, soap hair a la Chloe.
(+20) The Carver bonus.
(-10) IDK, I miss Philip.

Today's grand total is 60 POINTS. And yes, it was that glorious. I think my system today works for me, and the score sounds about right in comparison to the old system. So maybe I'll stick with it. Especially since it's not all over the place. I kind of like the other one though, so maybe I'll alternate?

Abe Rating

5 Happy Abes

I don't think I need to elaborate.

Tomorrow in Salem

If Melanie's marriage falls apart, Stephanie is going to lose Nathan. Nothing we all don't know. I don't understand what it is with soap girls who are so desperate to cling on to a guy who will leave them given the chance. (ICU, Gwen Hotchkiss.) Like, on paper, Stephanie could do better. In reality, well, she deserves a lion to bite her head off but that's because she always insists on talking.

Maggie wants to know what is going on between her grandson Nathan and Melanie. Oh-ho-ho. Nathan's hair looks kind of fluffy. All I can say is:

IDK what was going on in the clip, but it looked like E.J. was playing with babbies. Probably preparing to kidnap another one.

Everybody in the whole cell block was dancing to the jailhouse rock.

And I'm back! I haven't done one of these in over a week, because I either kept getting distracted, or I stopped typing because I was raging at the screen so hard. So LOL. I may do a catch-up post to cover the past week or so, but IDK.

On a brighter note, Chad's back! Basically, I'm sick of everyone else. So, yes. This is very good.

(+3) NO TOUCHING! Julie goes to visit Hope in her holding room, and the guard is very set on not letting people hug her. Points for his determination.

(-5) Julie is being fucking annoying. I'm so unsympathetic, lol. I usually like Julie, too. I'm just not keen on her...I don't know if I'd call it entitlement, but that's the word that's coming to mind. Anyway, she's acting really, like, entitled and annoying about this Hope thing.

(+2) Hernandez family meeting, and I take it upon myself to appreciate them since no one else does (well, Gabi is boring and I don't want her to break up #Chill). Rafe doesn't think Arianna is happy about her name being cleared. Arianna is a weird and complex soul, we have to respect that okay!

(+6) Kate and Will have a ridiculously cute grandma moment. She makes fun of his attachment to his phone, and like the business-and-technologically-savvy grammy she is, she helps him find it. Will is looking quite dapper, and he doesn't even have his tie on yet. I say this as a neutral, uninterested observer, because the kid is supposed to be 17.

(+3) Chad sees Stefano at the pub and starts off with small talk - you know, talking about his dead hooker mama over lunch. Nothing too serious.

(+5) EJ is shirtless and wet. Today's episode really doesn't want me to downgrade them automatically for EJami scenes, so they're trying to distract me. He puts his shirt on, but it's okay, because his shorts are HILARIOUS.

(+7) Oh, also, they're at the "beach," which we know is a moderate-to-big ticket item!

(+2) Points for the phrase "happy as a clam!" I don't care about the context, but E.J. says "happy as a clam" and I'm LMAO.

(-4) Sami knows what E.J. is up to, and she won't let him get away with it. She's probably going to accuse him of doing something incredibly sweet, and I'll vom.

(+3) Stef tries to brush of Chad, and he's like WHY DO YOU WANT TO KNOW SO MUCH ABOUT HER HOOKER DAYS. YOU ARE A STRANGE CHILD. You know, I feel like they've been talking about this for too long, but then I remember that Chad hasn't been on in awhile, so this same conversation is probably dragging out in multiple scenes a LOT LESS than other peoples' do.

(-2) They cut the scene before Chad's hair gets any taller. Sad. This is the first time we've seen Chad in a while, and I want to savor the moment okay.

(-5) Sami cries about the pressure to get married to Elvis. Uggggggh, I'm bored. Cut back to Kate, now, please.

(+4) Sami daydreams about Rafe. YAY RAFE! Needs more Nicole. EJ interrupts Samantha's thoughts. Because really, what good is your woman if she has them?

(+5) Arianna has a bone to pick with Hope. Because, OH HELL NO. Arianna lost her freedom, and she doesn't believe the story that Hope didn't know what she was doing, and Hope WILLINGLY framed her for her crimes, and who does this bitch think she is just because she has a prestigious name! She is going to go confront Hope, and thank god, because I'm tired of Brady right now and everyone else around Hope is so goddamn annoying that Ari is a welcome change. EYES WILL GLISTEN LIKE THEY HAVE NEVER BEFORE. I CAN'T WAIT.

(+2) She also called Hope a psycho, so this amuses me. I'm excited, if you can't tell.

(-1) Everyone's so overprotective of Hope. Julie's getting on my damn nerves. Thankfully, Hope sends her away telling her to take care of Sierra. I'm sorry, but once you've kidnapped John Black and held him captive on a submarine, I don't buy that you're too weak to handle a little jailtime. I don't mean this against Hope, I'm just really annoyed with the people who don't think she deserves to be punished at all. There's only so much you can do to defend her, like it or not, Hope did the crimes. AND she admits that the anger wasn't just something brought about by the drugs, so Nighttime Hope really was just, like another side of real Hope or something. IDK. I only took away one point, because Hope did get rid of Julie.

(-3) Now Sami is feeling guilty about her part in the whole baby mama drama. We're still talking about that? Oh.

(-5) WHAT THE FUCK, SAMI. SHUT UP. YOU ARE STUPID. I'm sure previously being forced into a marriage with a Dimera and you know... rape, are pretty good reasons to NOT want to raise a kid with one. And even AFTER you had Sydney or "Grace," it's not like E.J. was so reformed then. It wasn't even that long ago. I clearly remember him doing some pretty spectacularly bad things of which Sami is aware, after Sydney was born. Like having Philip get shot. Or having Stephanie kidnapped, which yeah we know I hate Stephanie, but I'm not about to give the guy an award for a good deed.

(-7) EW{)ETWoksdoijiotrjoijr NOOOOOO. Sami suddenly tells E.J. she'll marry him, and he gets all wide eyed as if she just found out that he kidnapped a baby or something. Like he would ever do...oh, wait.

(+3) Will looks for Stefano, but his lover Chad already scared Mr. Dimera away. They talk about the dead hooker some more.

(+1) Stefano shows up at the mansion, and Kate's like "Boo you whore, you were supposed to have lunch with young William!" He explains that Chad ambushed him at the pub.

(+4) "You ran away from a teenage boy." Kate knows what's up.

(+5) Kate just suggested prayer to Stefano, hoping that the problems with Maddie and her secrets are behind them. And IRONY, they cut right back to E.J. and Sami. May god have mercy on their souls. Extra points for hilarious juxtaposition of scenes.

(-3) Sami ACTUALLY runs into Rafe at the beach this time (it's not one of her smutty daydreams) and she's all smiles and HI!. LOL you bitch.

(+5) Chad needs business experience to get into one of his business classes. Will quips, "Do you need surgery to get into med school?!" or something like that. IDK they're so cute tho. Will has him take a look at the project Stefano has him working on, because Will doesn't think it's fair that he has a huge opportunity and Chad's the one that needs it.

(-4) Charles. Eww.

(+1) Arianna wants to know why Hope hates her. Poor scorned women of Salem, they have such complicated lives.

(-5) Charles is gross. And now he's refusing to spend time with Chad and doesn't want to drive down to North Carolina with him like they planned.

(+2) Stefano and Will meet at the mansion. Stefano comments on Will's gentlemanly attire. Will wants to work with Chad on whatever project he's doing, and Stefano doesn't want Chad on board.

(+6) GODDAMN, ARIANNA. I'm about to fist pump in admiration. Okay, I actually feel bad for Hope, in a twist of events, but from Ari's point of view - Hope completely believed Ari was guilty, gave her no benefit of the doubt - unless to say, "I understand why you did it, you're angry!", and now people don't want to punish Hope, while Ari had to sit in jail forever.

(-4) Sami yells at Rafe a little bit for not thinking E.J. is a saint, but I can't help but remember who told him all about the evil Dimeras first. She blames herself for the whole baby fiasco, but Rafe shouldn't think anything wrong of E.J. LOGIC. It is not native to Samantha's brain.

(-1) Stefano's being outsmarted by Will. Like, seriously Stefano, if you didn't want Chad to work with Will because of his FATHER, then why did you run out on the kid at the Pub. Hmmm, questions. Stefano is not as sharp as he used to be, and hasn't talked his way out of this yet.

(+3) Arianna tells Hope that in her experience (let's not forget, Arianna's been to jail and has gang experience and knows a lot of criminals!), people who do truly evil things like Hope did have a lot of hate and shit in their hearts and whatnot. LMAO now Hope is going to think that she was evil all along, isn't she? Where's Princess Gina! Ari doesn't want to believe Hope, and whatever haters, she has no reason to. Because she knows what we know - everyone's all about poor Hope and trying, and nobody cares that Arianna didn't do anything.

(-3) Rafe is reminding Sami that of her past with E.J. and why she was in witness protection in the first place, and she's pissed at him for not being happy for her and E.J. I'm sure she's yelling back at him about something else, but I can't be bothered to care.
20
(+1) I can give Doug a little bit of a pass because it's his daughter, but still. Don't you teach your kids to take responsibility? She's being really hard on herself, but her reaction is the most understandable. Like, she wants to plead guilty because she IS. Nobody else seems to get that.

(+1) Anyway, Hope breaks down into more tears and Doug wants to comfort her but the guard is still like, "NO TOUCHING!" More points for the guard.

(+3) But Doug's like, "PUH-LEASE" and he crosses to the other side of the table to comfort her. I'll give Doug the badass points.

(-3) Chad's telling Kate about the day he had straight A's and how his dad was never proud of him and that he just doesn't want the kid around. OMG TEARS. Kate's all sad and sympathetic, and she knows that Charles isn't Chad's daddy. Negative points because Charles sucks and once Chad started telling his story about how his dad never cared about any of his accomplishments, I knew I'd be all "POOOOOR CHAAAAD!"

(-3) Sami thinks Rafe doesn't love the REAL her. LOL, I'm sure she loves the REAL E.J. (LOL she doesn't even love phony nice guy E.J., which she pretty much admitted) And while we're at it - whatever. E.J. puts ~SAMANTHER~ up on SUCH a pedestal, and Rafe's just like, "Sami, you're being an idiot and you're capable of better. Also, I love you and I'll do anything for you."

(+1) Gabi is giving Arianna smart advice. LMAO. Basically, Gabi tells Ari that when she went to jail when they were younger, she was so pissed at her for being so stupid, and their mom convinced Gabi to forgive Ari, and Ari should do the same for Hope so she doesn't hold that anger in or something. IDK. IDK, but it sounded solid.

(-1) Sami walks in on Will working on his project and remembers that she has other kids who aren't E.J.'s. She tells him about Elvis's proposal, and Will's too good of a kid to call her the many names I've been calling her all day.

(-2) Aww, E.J. is on the phone with Stefano, and Rafe walks onto the pier with a smirk. E.J. is telling his father that he and Sami are engaged, and Rafe looks so sad.

Bonus points, deductions, and our grand total!

(+8) Technically, I do have to give a shirtless bonus, and a beach bonus. Even though it was a sneaky tactic to distract me from the Sami/EJ mess.
(-20) No Abe Carver, no Lexi. What a disastuh.
(+17) Chill points, though, because I love them. And you know what? I'm throwing in extra points because the most Regal Salem couple, Kate and Stefano (not to be confused with the First Family of Salem, the Carvers.), both got to interact with both Will and Chad.

I think that means today got a score of 22. I thought it would be higher since I was practically throwing the points at Arianna and Will/Chad. But I guess Sami won't be doing DOOL's average any favors until Lucas comes back for good (not happening anytime soon, sadly) or she finally dumps E.J. allowing him to be the amazingly crazy and ridiculous villain we know he can be.

Abe Rating

2 Happy Abes

IDK how happy Abe REALLY is, what with Hope being a mugger and Sami being completely oblivious, but Chad is probably a Dimera, which makes him practically a Carver, which makes Chill scenes good for the Abe ratings.

Next time in Salem

Bo tells E.J. "don't threaten my wife!" Where is Sami to defend her fiance?

Vivian thinks she needs to teach someone a lesson. I would pay for "burying people alive" lessons.

Rafe is in sweats, so I'm guessing he has to work out through his depression. "I guess congratulations are in order." Sami, you are so cruel to him.

It's a love story, baby just say yes? (Oh god, please don't.)

Today, Sami is *thisclose* to becoming a Taylor Swift song. Hope's behavior is confusing. And the Carvers remind us what it's like to be American. Enjoy!

(-2) Brady meets nicole at the pub and Brady tells her he saw Baker. Nicole tries to convince him that he's crazy. Brady wants to get him. LOL at his constant need to be the hero.

(+8) Abe Carver and Theo are at the station, but are getting ready to go watch a baseball game! They are an all-American family. Truly iconic.

(+7) Stefano arrives at the station, and sees the First Family together. He tells Abe all about his good behavior, and how he didn't fight the police when they called him down to the station. He is ridiculously cute with Theo and gives him a vocabulary lesson. Alibi means that "No-no has done nothing wrong!" OMG I want to be Stefano's grandkid. Except without the crime and stuff. Or with the crime, whatever. I just don't want to go the way of Tony, you know?

(-3) Sami goes rejects Elvis's somewhat-proposal that popped up out of nowhere. EJ points out that they're all living under the same roof as ~family. They keep talking about how kids want their parents to be together and Johnny's acting out, and blah, blah, blah this is a disastuh.

(-3) EJ's hair is trying to be Philip. No wonder he shaved it. He's telling Sami that "If I ask you to marry me, you will know." Ugh, where's the Stoli. I need to start drinking during these scenes.

(+2) Speaking of drinking, Vivian comes home and sees Victor tossing back a few. She asks about Bo, and Victor snaps at her saying it could have been her doing, for all he knows. See, Victor is suffering a case of cockblock and the cold sting of redheaded rejection and he's taking it out on the old ball and chain.

(+3) Carly asks what Bo remembers. He smelled gasoline. He's all wide-eyed and confused looking. He's staring at Hope in a daze. This is so amusing, because I don't actually know the difference in awareness levels between this semi-conscious Bo and normal Bo.

(-6) EJ pretty much tells Samantha that he's GOING to propose sometime. And he's telling her exactly what he'll do when he proposes, and Sami's trying to make her eyes glisten as much as Theresita Arianna. Gurrrrl, you can try all you want. Nobody has Lindsay Hartley beat in that area.

(+3) Vivian tells Victor if she were going to murder someone, she'd be much more efficient! Victor says that he knows it wasn't Vivian that he knows it wasn't her, because he keeps tabs on her at all times. She's touched by this, but we know he doesn't mean it affectionately. Points for Vivian, because she basically said "I'd do a much better job at murder than whoever THIS amateur~ is!"

(+10) "I always know where you are. SO I CAN AVOID YOU!" "BULLFEATHERS!!!!" "You haven't spoken the truth since Jimmy Carter was in the white house!" "Don't bring love into this, I'm going to lose my lunch." The base score for Victor's one-liners goes WAY up when done in combination. OMFG this is amazing. That's like a Quad-Quad-Quad-Quad.

(+2) Carly is trying to get Bo to remember what happened when he was attacked. He says he saw Sierra. SIERRA ATTACKED HIM! OMFG. No, he just remembered talking to Sierra last night. I would love to see Sierra pouring gasoline all over the place. She already looks like a demon child.

(-4) Hope! Bo and Sierra were talking about Hope. Hope looks like she's panicking, which makes no sense because Daytime Hope doesn't know what she did.

(+4) Sami, thankfully for my sanity, is glad he's not proposing because they're not ready. THEY'RE NOT EVEN ACTUALLY TOGETHER. WHAT THE FUCK.

(+2) Elvis's eyes are wide. He is either angry or thirsty. IDK, but I'm really amused at how clearly unhappy he is that Sami doesn't want to marry him.

(+6) BRADY SAYS NICOLE IS "SHAKING LIKE A LEAF." SHE GETS A MILLION PAULA ABDUL POINTS. I need to find the conversion rate from Paula points to Abe points. Anyway, he's bringing up all the shit that Nicole did, like the baby switch, because Dr. Baker (we all call him Dick, now. Get with the program, Brady) had a large role in all her crimes and he should pay. I took away some points because he wants Dick to go down (giggle), but I remember when he was defending Nicole left and right even though she was just as guilty.

(-4) Another Dickole phone call interrupts Brady and Nic's romantic lunch at THE BRADY PUB. My god, Brady, go woo your woman at some place fancy. Or do something special, have a picnic at the "beach!" Oh wait, that's been done. Go for a nice country drive or something, IDEK.

(-2) Bo's eyes are glistening as Carly asked what happened when he came home. And I guess they're already sorely missing Arianna and she's not even gone yet.

(-4) Hope yells out for Bo and Carly to STOP! I don't understand this. She says it's too much stress for Bo, but it's making her look suspicious and we know that she doesn't know what she's done, so why is she acting so suspicious. UGH. Come on, show. At least make some sense.

(+2) Caroline shows up at Bo's and looks angry. She's wondering wtf they're all doing at the house. Together. I would be confused too, and I'd be really glad that relaxation techniques are not euphemisms.

(+2) Dick tells Nicole about his run-in with Brady. Nicole calls Dick "Jane" and keeps telling him to do what she told him to do. Dickole lives.

(-2) BRADY, DO YOU HAVE TO KNOW EVERYTHING ABOUT NICOLE'S WORK. "Oooh, I don't know a Jane." He's so nosy. Nicole leaves in a hurry, because Brady's being really annoying (and also because she's freaking out and making sure Dick won't ruin her life, I guess).

(-2) After getting fed up with Viv's insults toward Maggie, Victor calls his marriage a business arrangement and nothing more. And Vivian laments. Vivian, not!Ivan adores you. Why do you stick around hoping Victor will stop hating you a little less?

(-2) Caroline bitches out Carly a bit, and then storms out, and I again don't like what they're doing to her character.

(+5) Hope leaves soon after Caroline, saying she has to get Sierra's stuff ready for her camping trip, and Bo makes sure security is on that list. LMAO, that is a strange-ass camping trip.

(+1) Carly refuses to let Bo leave the house, and Bo's like "Bitch, you don't know my life!"

(-1) Sami is moping at the pub, and talks to Caroline. WHEN DID SHE CHANGE CLOTHES? I liked the purple better, tbh.

(+3) Caroline asks what E.J.'s done now, and jokingly asks if he proposed because that would just be CRAZY. I like this Caroline better. Sami stares back at Caroline in shock.

(+3) Stefano practically calls Sami a golddigger, and all she wants to do is live rent-free. LMAO, I am inclined to agree in the sense that Sami really needs to get her own life together and be independent before she runs off and marries some guy. E.J. tells him he wants to marry Samanther, and Stefano is not happy.

(+2) Dick calls Hope, but uh, she's Daytime Hope so this is going to be awkward. YAY FOR WEIRD SORT-OF ONE-SIDED PHONE CONVERSATIONS!

(-1) Brady follows Nicole out the pub, because he's in creepy stalker mode. She admits that she left because of the Dick talk. She doesn't like being reminded of her past - porn, baby-switching and all.

(+2) LMAO, Hope is so confused and Dick keeps talking to her, because he thinks she's playing dumb because someone's with her. He warns her that he's been spotted.

(+1) Caroline asks Sami why she looks so unhappy if E.J. is as great as Sami keeps saying he is. Sami says that she's still in love with RAAAFE! Ugh, it's about time you at least admitted it. Why can't you just go after what you actually want and stop dragging out this shit.

(+7) STEFANO IS CURSING AT E.J. IN ITALIAN. I LOVE HIM.

(-2) E.J. declares that he's going to marry Sami, and Stefano wishes God's mercy on his son's soul. BWAHAHAHAHA. Negative points for E.J., though.

(+1) Carly asks hope to talk to Bo, because she might get through to him. Hope doesn't think he gives a damn, and what the hell, Hope? His happy place is the Fancy Face. You are dumb.

(+3) Bo gets to the station hugs his future son-in-law, Theo (he and Sierra are so destined, we all know this). Abe tells him they're going to the baseball game, and has trouble remembering the name of the triple-A team that's playing. It's the COUGARS! I was hoping that the name "Cougars" would trigger Bo's memory about Hope attacking him tbh. #missedopportunities right there.

(-1) WALLET! TREASURES! SIERRA! Bo somehow manages to put together Theo's string of words, but just barely. It should not be impossible, because they're pretty clear if you ask me. I'm surprised that Bo managed that much, but really dude. Just figure it out, it's totally right in front of your face.

(+4) SERIOUSLY, CAROLINE SAYS THE SMARTEST THING EVER. Why would Sami even think about marrying E.J. if she's in love with someone else? Remember the last time they were "married" because she was forced into it? When she was still in love with LUCAS. OMG, this is making me too bitter. Let's move on.

(-1) Brady wonders why Nicole would freak out over the talk about Dick Baker. Brady is not smart. I mean, even if we didn't know she was freaking out because Baker has a new secret of hers to expose, wouldn't Brady think the memory of everything that Nicole did would upset her? AND HE KEEEEEPS BRINGING IT UP. Da fuq, dude. You have no game at all.

(+2) Hope just wants to find out who tried to kill Bo! And in walks Vivian to point the finger at Carly. LOL bitch is crazy. Hope just raises her eyebrow in what might be annoyance.

(+1) Theo tells Bo about Sierra's "Treasures from mommy!" He means Sierra's mommy, not his own. Lexie isn't into the murder, she's a doctor. And she's past her baby-switching days, I hope. Bo, are you putting this together? Because Theo's doing all your work for you.

Bonus points, deductions

(-10) Because it's totally embarrassing that Theo and Sierra have had the mystery solved forever, and Bo's just now getting around to it AND BARELY, at that.
(-15) E.J.'s hair is going the way of Philip's, but it just doesn't have the same pizazz.
(+20) Abe Carver bonus! No Lexie, but we did get Lexie's father being super adorable with Theo.

That gives us a score of, I THINK, 41 points. There were a lot of high-scoring elements, but the lack of artistry brought down the overall performance.

Abe Rating

2 Happy Abes

As exciting as Abe's American life is, he just wishes the rest of Salem could be as cool as he is. JFC, Salem, get it together. When Abe Carver is your mayor, I don't see how you can be so hung up on lesser issues.

Previews

Sami's confused, E.J. doesn't want to be pushed, and Carly yells! YAY!

Out, damned spot! out, I say!

OMG, the teaser scenes look so promising already. I have a feeling today is a high-scoring kind of day.

(-3) Bo is awake, and surprise, surprise. He doesn't remember anything.

(+4) MELANIE! She's so pretty and adorable. LOL, I don't even care that I flail over ridiculous things, like Melanie being cute as usual. Anyway, she's getting off the phone with Philip when Nathan is at the door. Haha, juxtaposed moments in Melanie's life.

(-2) This turns into an awkward Nathan/Melanie scene, where he tells her he's moving in with Stephanie. She doesn't give him shit for it, but right now he seems upset that she doesn't care. I can't help it that I ship them okay. I just wish they would move this story along. As sad as I'll be when Philip's secret comes out because I don't want Philip and Melanie to go away, I still love Nathan/Melanie and really wish they would just move this whole love quadrangle along faster if that's what the show is actually leaning towards.

(+3) Anyway, she is kind of surprised, but she shrugs it off, saying that it'll be nice that if Stephanie wakes up vomming or has welts or something like that, at least there's a doctor right there! Nathan seems amused by her lovely imagery. I am too, because LMAO at gross Stephanie.

(+5) The return of Hope's terrible pajamas! YAYAYAYAY. My day is even better now.

(+1) Stefano reads Maddie's obit and he and Kate lament~ He's glad their secret is buried now, but Kate thinks he needs to brush up on his Shakespeare because it can't be over yet. (Is that the one thing Stefano is not brushed up on?) I didn't know how to score this scene, so I'm giving it a +1 because it's kate/stefano and I ship them and Shakespeare.

(+8) WILL AND CHAD! MORE CLAPPY HANDS! Will apologizes to Chad for saying all those things about his mother. Eh, they were true, though. But he feels guilty for his part in Maddie's death, but Chad doesn't blame him.

(-5) I don't like Crazy Jealous Caroline, because I don't see the point of having her bitch out Victor and Maggie all the time. It's kind of a waste of Caroline. I want Caroline Bluth. You know, the version of Caroline I have in my head where she drinks all day and insults her children? I would LOVE that Caroline, if they would write her like that.

(-3) Roman asked Bo if he's awake. Um, Roman. Really? How are you a detective.

(+2) "Don't you ever get killed by your crazy ex-wife again." Well, he doesn't say that exactly, but he does get mad at Bo for getting himself almost killed.

(-2) Justin comes over to tell Hope that Bo is in the Hospital. Hope looks worried. I think Daytime Hope is back. Sadface.

(+8) Melanie refuses to offer to help Nathan with his boxes (AWESOME. "I'd offer to help, but you might say yes..."), while Philip's hair fluffs itself out. He has it tucked behind one ear, Joey Potter style.

(-1) Adrienne brings coffee to Stephanie's place, and they need to have a serious talk. Somehow, this has to do with Patch grilling Adrienne about Stephanie and Nathan.

(+3) Okay, points for you, Adrienne for sarcastically calling Patch a Pillar of virtue in his youth.

(-3) BOO ADRIENNE. Why would you talk Steve out of scaring the shit out of Nathan. That would be the greatest thing to come out of Stephanie and Nathan as a couple. Plus, I'd rather he come back than Kayla. I take your points back.

(+3) Caroline snipes at Victor and Maggie some more, like I figured would happen once Victor and Maggie left for the hospital last week. But she does have a point this time. I don't care what Roman says. Caroline is a tough lady, and she deserves to know if her son is in the freaking hospital. She's not fragile, don't keep stuff like that from her. Plus points because Caroline deserves them here.

(-2) She leaves, and Victor is kind of laughing at her. Okay, I really don't want people to see her as a joke. Even if I keep pushing Caroline as Lucille Bluth.

(+5) Points for Victor's "Dangerous Dame, Maggie Horton" line. I'd watch that movie. (Oh yes, the context is that Maggie now has two old ladies making her out to be the "other woman.")

(-3) Roman is questioning Bo about what he remembers. Roman, you make me sad. You come across Bo covered in gasoline, presumably ready to burn to death, and you didn't think that the perpetrator might still be in the house? Like who leaves their victim covered in gas and just LEAVES. Doesn't it seem like the person was JUST ABOUT to make their move and set Bo on fire before Daniel got there? And I make myself sad for only just now thinking about this.

(-1) Hope walks in to see Carly hugging Bo. I want to see her instantly morph into Nighttime Hope. Like a power ranger. However, she does not. Sad.

(+10) Will and Chad are making googly eyes at each other even if they don't know it. They're back at the pier and Chad's agonizing over how his mom died. Will tells him that her past doesn't change what she became. LOL, I really love how much Chad loves his mother. It cracks me up. But he does wonder what other secrets she's keeping, and he thinks Will's grandmother is the key.

(-2) I love will, but I have to give him obligatory negative points for trying to stop Chad and motherly Kate moments. He doesn't think it's a good idea. If this is out of jealousy, I'll give him extra points next time.

(+15) OMG THE WHOLE CARVER FAMILY. I'M GOING TO DIE. THE FIRST FAMILY OF SALEM HAS ARRIVED. Theo is destined to be prodigy. Probably a doctor boy wonder. Anyway, he says something about Aunt Hope and treasures, and Lexi is confused.

(+2) Nathan brings out a bunch of boxes, and he seems to need help. However, Melanie is gone. He looks sad. We know, Nathan. I'm sure you can carry your box of pillows on your own. (LMAO, okay, as we'll find out later, they were full of books. But I love the idea of Nathan just being too lazy to carry tiny boxes of nothing.)

(+6) "I LOVE BEING RICH!" Melanie exclaims after Philip surprises her at the "beach(!!!!)" with a fancy looking lunch setting.

(+2) She asks the occasion, and apparently, since Philip owns a hospital ward, he managed to get Melanie's grades from nursing school early. Melanie aced all her finals and keeps thinking that Philip bought her grades. And he tells her that's something he can't buy. Aww.

(-1) Daytime Hope asks Bo questions about his attack. So, I'm gathering that the switching between AM/PM Hope was really more that Bo was breaking down Nighttime Hope. Daytime Hope does not seem to have any idea at all that it was her.

(-1) Only one mention of babies from Melanie today. Thank you, writers, for toning that down for today. I'll only subtract one point as a show of gratitude.

(+4) LMAO Nathan gave Stephanie a bracelet last week, so this week Philip gives Melanie a (probably) better and more expensive one. Ugh, they're so cute. I love them. Which makes me sad because....

(-2) ...BAH! WHY DID THEY HAVE TO RUIN THIS SCENE WITH PHILIP AND CHLOE UNAWESOMENESS. Like, I love a good infidelity flashback, but now we're at the point where we're flashing back to their conversations about said

(+1) Carly thinks Hope is trying to pin the attack on her, and Hope's all like, "I'm just getting a timeline, okay." I actually kind of like this, because I wish Carly weren't so understanding. I feel like if she were a little more aggressive, everything would move less slowly.

(+8) Salem's first family: they're just like us! They hang out at the sandy clearing in the trees and try to act like they're not the most majestic family in Salem (I like their humility), and Theo digs up a wallet (LOLWAT???). He then mentions that Aunt Hope's treasures were wallets. He's been hanging out with Creepy Sierra, clearly.

(-2) Justin stop being creepy. Hope gets a phone call while questioning Carly, and as she takes the call, Justin walks up behind her. OMFG, SHE IS A POLICEWOMAN. ON THE PHONE. Why is this any of your business, Justin. He's so lame, I wish he'd go away.

(+2) Stephanie finds a picture of Nathan and Stephanie tucked away in an envelope, as if he was keeping it because it's special. STEPHANIE'S. REACTION. FACE. IS. ABSOLUTELY. PRICELESS. It's the most honest I've seen her.

(-2) Kate talks to herself a bit, while pulling out Chad's birth certificate that she apparently just carries around in her purse, and now we know Charles isn't his real father. I seem to have been on a computer for too long, because I kept trying to make my tv screen scroll down so I can see whose name is on the birth certificate. I'm baffled at Kate just freely whipping out THE ONLY COPY OF CHAD'S BIRTH CERTIFICATE when she has a free moment. lolwat.

(-1) Stefano overhears her talking to herself, and asks what she just said about Chad's father. Of course he overhears her. He's got powers, okay.

(+1) Bo asks Roman for a cheeseburger, and Roman laughs at him as he leaves. Bo calls him useless. Which isn't entirely inaccurate. Bro and bRoman get points for this exchange, though.

(+5) Kate covers up what she was telling herself by telling Stefano about seeing Charles at the Brady Pub drinking so early (the Kate/Charles scene happened earlier, and I forgot to put it in the timeline. Basically, Charles tells her that he got Maddie's safety deposit box and it was curiously empty. Kate is now relaying this to Stefano). Stefano leaves the mansion, but not before a completely adorable moment of him telling Kate that if she's talking to herself, maybe she's a little crazy.

(-3) Kate whips out the birth certificate again, and...okay, his birthdate is apparently March 03, 1990. Making him 20. He's supposed to be JUST out of high school, what even. I wouldn't be surprised if they finally start giving Casey and Molly scenes by next summer. Not that I actually want them to, but you know, I'm guessing all the Molly and Casey fans would love to see Melanie and Chad interact.

(-5) Bo asks Hope if she's going to tell Sierra that he's in the hospital, and she doesn't want Sierra to know that they almost lost Bo. (Which is why PM Hope decided that this was something she should tell Sierra while she was asleep on the couch.) Somehow, Bo is holding Hope's hand just as Carly walks in to see them. Negative points because they practically just did the same scene twice, just with Hope and Carly reversed.

----stuff I forgot to recap, but don't remember where it goes in the timeline.
(-2) The Kate/Charles scene at the pub, but I did mention it in the Kate/Stefano scene. Anyway, Charles still doesn't look too devastated over Maddie. I'm just saying. Kate's condolences are met with Charles telling her she could go to hell, and Kate still tries to be sweet and offers to donate to Maddie's charities. Charles just has this air about him that elicits negative points from me.
(+1) Adrienne runs into Philip at the Brady pub as well, I think they talk about Bo. But she mentions that someone in her building almost called the cops when he snuck in after someone opened the door. She identified him, and told her neighbor that he was just going to Daniel and Chloe's apartment - which Melanie of course overhears, and asks why he was there. He lies and says that it was while Chloe was in the hospital and she asked him to pick up some things for her. Eh, boring. But seeing Philip pick up his lying skills from Chloe is amusing.

(+5) For Philip's hair's Joey Potter tuck.
(+20) The Carver family bonus
(+3) For bringing back the "beach" setting that amuses me so much, and using it twice.
(-4) While they did bring out a lot of the higher scoring elements and gimmicks to make me go all clappy hands, they didn't actually make any storyline progress - except for Theo telling his parents about Hope's wallets, maybe, and Kate confirming that the secret is what we already suspected. Where are your transitions and deep edges?!

LMAO, so today's episode is apparently a 77 point long program. Overscored? Maybe, but IDC IDC. The sketchy beach setting, Melanie, Will/Chad scenes and THE CARVERS win with a quad in my eyes. Subjective sport. So whateva, haters:

Abe Rating

5 Happy Abes

We're easily pleased.

D is for Abe Carver

I was going to do a bit of a different style recap to spice up our Friday a bit, but immediately changed my mind when I saw a certain Mayor of Salem appear. I wanted to see how much he could affect the scoring system. Cynics and 6.0 enthusiasts would just say that I built it especially to benefit him. Well, it's Abe's world and we're all just living in it.

Today is organized a bit differently, though. I broke up the order of the episode to piece together storyline scenes, just to pretend this is a little more coherent.

(+5) Rafe calls Nicole to tell her to meet him at the pier for a huge story. But his voice is disguised and he's using a payphone, so obviously this is just one of their kinky games.
(+6) Nicole shows up at the pier and asks, "Is anyone here?" Only the ghosts of everyone who's died falling down those steps. Meanwhile, Rafe stealths his way into her room and starts rifling through her stuff. THIS is the stuff soap romances should be made of! If only the writers knew they were even WRITING a romance with them. But seriously: luring a girl out of her room to the pier where many have met their unfortunate doom, while you rifle through her underwear drawers? CAN YOU SAY "SWOON!?"
(-3) Rafe finds a picture of Sydney, and we go "AWWWWW." He wants to be a part of her life, but since he can't, he at least wants to keep her away from the D is for Dangerous Dimeras. I find it funny that he and Nicole both love Sydney and can't raise her. It could be a bonding moment. Anyway, he finds a notebooks stashed in one of her drawers and thinks it means something. I'm only doing negative points for this because, RAFAEL YOU'RE WASTING TIME BEING SENTIMENTAL.
(-2) Nicole realizes she just fell for a trap. My guess is that she's going to think EJ's going behind her back. Uh-oh. I hope this doesn't mean she's going to retaliate and drag this out even further. As much as I do enjoy Nicole vs. EJ and I think they're well-matched rivals, I'd rather move on. Maybe they can fight over Rafe's affections.
(+4) She gets back to her room, and Rafe is still in there. She realizes someone was in there because the window was left open (hey, Rafe can't do everything!). OF COURSE, she thinks it's EJ's doing. Escaping through the window? How romantic, Rafael. You and Nicole are a regular Romeo and Juliet. The Claire Danes one.
(+1) She immediately goes to her drawer to check if this super secret notebook is okay, and Rafe did leave it there. But oh-ho-ho, now he's back at the station calling in favors to check out some of the information he got from Nicole's notebook. I hope it has something to do with Rambaldi. We need a cool far-fetched fantasy/supernatural storyline.

(+10) ABE CARVER IS AT THE HOSPITAL WITH ROMAN (because of Bo's attack, obvs). EVERYTHING ELSE IS IRRELEVANT.
(+3) Carly is freaking out about Bo and Daniel tries to calm her down, and basically she's just trying not to fangirl too much over the fact that Abe Carver is still in the frame. Go ahead and keysmash, Carly! I just did!

(-1) Maggie talks to Victor on the phone and says something about a spreadsheet. This is not innuendo.

(-3) Even E.J. doesn't think Sami should trust him. And Sami is indignant that he should suggest that she has any reason to be on guard around him.
(-4) Sami tells E.J. that she wants to go watch Sydney sleep (WHAT?) and she does. She comes back to ask E.J. about a new dress she found in Syd's closet... E.J. tells her it was supposed to be a surprise because he wanted to take family portraits. OMFG this is so cheesy. Did anyone ever notice that Sami and E.J. are actually an incredibly boring couple when he's not assaulting her or they're not taking their kids away from each other? Not even boring in the, "oh, they're so uncomplicated! It's refreshing!" kind of way. It's boring in the "VOM VOM VOM. Why are we subjected to this overly cutesiness to mask the fact that they are way too complicated."

(-2) Victor tells Viv to watch a documentary about pythons in florida. She grills him about Maggie, referring to their "late night meetings" and he's like, "GURRRRL, DON'T GO THERE." IDK Victor, I really wanted to see this documentary. LIVE A LITTLE!
(+5) VIVIAN CALLS HERSELF VICTOR'S SOUL MATE. Here's the thing. I love crazy viv, and I actually sympathize that she's so unwanted. Her realization that her marriage is a complete sham was actually really sad, and it humanizes her a bit. But she's still trying to force this "relationship" and it's just weird okay. BUT SHE'S CRAZY AND I LOVE HER FOR IT.
(-1) She and victor argue. She tries to impress him with business talk, and he's thinks she's ridiculous and no1curr. At some point, she calls Maggie a redheaded cow. OOF, that's cold.

(+3) Bo wakes up while Hope tries to kill him. "What are you doing?" Oh, nothing Beauregard. Just fluffing your pillows, poisoning your IV with an air bubble. Good times, good times. It's nice to know that creepy Hope's still funny.
(-1) Carly and Dr. JoBro come back to check on him, so Hope has to slip away before she can finally finish murdering him.
(-1) And WHAT DO YOU KNOW? Bo calls Hope's name when Carly and Daniel walk in. She thinks he's trying to tell her to call Hope, while we all know that Bo just was wondering WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK she was doing in his hospital room! Before he can explain that much, his face goes all crazy, as he flatlines and crashes.
(+3) HOW DID HOPE GET OUT OF THERE SO FAST? Because she's suddenly at home. Do the Kiriakis's like live next door to the hospital?
(+1) Crazy Hope talks to a sleeping Sierra, and it's kind of sweet except for the part where she's talking about killing Sierra's father. I still think it's pretty shitty to still keep using Zac's death against Bo. Just let the kid rest in peace.
(+3) Meanwhile, at Salem U, Daniel stabilizes Bo, while Carly cries. She then decides it's time to call Hope, because she is her dying boyfriend's wife and all. Positive points for Daniel's again surprising competency at doctoring.
(-2) Hope gets the call from Carly, but she ignores it. She thinks the call means Bo told Carly that it was her, and now they're coming to get her. LMAO if that WERE the case, Hope, WHY would they call you first and give you a chance to get away. They're not Justin levels of stupid when it comes to confronting criminals, are they?
(+2) Bo is awake, but cannot seem to talk. He tries to take off his oxygen or whatever it is, and Carly is annoyed and calls him a STUBBORN MAN! He's needs to start doing his best Lassie impression to try to tell her that Hope fell down a crazy well. IDK this is kind of amusing, even though I'm pretty sure it shouldn't be.

(+3) Vivian meets with her right-hand man (whose name I forgot, because I always call him not!Ivan. Remember Ivan? He and Vivian were amaaaazing back then.) at the Brady pub. He's telling her that she's amazing and Victor doesn't appreciate her, and showing him what a strong woman she is will make him realize. Vivian's thinking more along the lines that she should WOO HIM WITH MÚSICA(!!!) by going to Chicago and picking up some of his favorites.
(-1) GUS WANTS TO KILL MAGGIE. IDK if that's actually the idea he has in mind, but he's all about not getting sad and instead getting mad and even.

(-3) Roman is being useless and getting absolutely EVERYTHING wrong (except that he deduced that it was a personal attack.)
(+9) Abe knows it's not the Dimeras. He suspected the mugger, even though the M.O. is all wrong. Bo even fits the criteria of all the attacked sirs. Basically, don't cross Abe Carver. He's the president of Salem.

(+3) After his fight with the old ball and chain of crazy, Victor shows up at the mistress's to talk "business." I'm giving them points because I actually like Victor and Maggie, but my god this needs to go somewhere. Like REAL Vivian interference. Or one of them actually making a move, instead of just discussing the fact that they have a friendship and business dealings.
(+2) Oh, somebody finally thought to call Bo's FATHER to notify him about Bo's current hospital stay. Just as Maggie was telling him that he's married, and considering Vivian's feelings on the matter, she and Victor shouldn't be friends, she then rushes to the hospital with Victor to lend her moral support. - Which leads me to wonder if we're going to have another run-in with Caroline (considering Bo's her son and all, maybe they'll think to call her?), will we have another awkward tense confrontation with her, Maggie and Victor?

Bonus points, deductions

(+20) ABE CARVER IS HERE, BEING A BAMF. HELL TO THE YES.
(-10) For the lack of fluffy hair today.
(+5) E.J.'s blinking was out of control while Sami was asking about Nicole. AMAZING.

I think that brings our total to 50 points, which is a new record! If only Philip's fluffy hair was around. I think we could have broken 60 with that. (Well, we would have, because I wouldn't have had to deduct points.)

Abe Rating

5 Happy Abes!


Abe was showing off his amazing investigative talents. I only officially go up to 5 Abes, but think of this as 10 Happy Abes.

Next week in Salem!

Justin tells Hope that Bo was attacked (lolz), Nathan tells Melanie that he and crazycakes are moving in together, and Carly asks Bo who attacked him. Let's hope there's also some progress in some of these hanging storylines, but don't count on it.

Islanded in a stream of gasoline

On today's show, we Carly, Hope and Nicole put together their Emmy reels for Salem's Craziest Bitch. Sadly, nobody tells them that is not an Emmy category.

(-3) Rafe isn't done talking to sami. and since last night, i have found out that YESTERDAY, she was dropping off his mail and telling him that she wants to permanently move in with E.J. because Marlena's selling her property. Rafe kisses her, and clearly this is another one of Sami's dreams. Why does Sami think Rafe needs to make a move. He's not the one living with bb!Elvis. IDK, though, you guys. I thought he was pretty clearly discouraged by that when he came back. They both need to find some balls, jfc.

(-4) Chloe shows up at the hospital and asks Carly about the paternity test. Carly reminds her that she'll keep her mouth shut if it's Daniel's. And I already know that there will be no new developments in this story today. They will probably have the same conversation they've been having for days.

(+5) Hope douses Bo in gasoline and thinks that she'll be at peace somehow after this. Daniel, for some reason, is at Bo's door. This is exactly what is happening, I don't know how I can exaggerate this, because it is so random. Points for leaving me baffled.

(+3) New plan: next time I discuss my damning secrets on the Salem pier, I'm just going to call out, "You can come out now, I know you're listening!" Just to see if that would draw anyone out. Because Rafe is hiding behind a pathetic bush while Nicole and E.J. talk about their secrets and assume nobody can hear them. Then they leave, and Rafe follows. RIVETING.

(+1) Hope cries and stares at a picture of her, Bo and Sierra and takes a little time for self-reflection before lighting a match. How poignant.

(+3) Ooh, Dickole scene. Points for my favorite ship name in a scene. Nicole tells him that they're in the clear for framing Ari, now that EJ has to set her free. Meaning, haaaa. This will probably blow up in her face, even though I actually kind of hope it won't.

(-3) As Sami chastises herself for thinking Rafe could possibly be in love with her (I can't.), there's a knock at the door. And what do you know, it's actually Rafe at the door. A+ for a psychic dream from Sami, even though she ALWAYS dreams about Rafe showing up and making out with her. I hope this means she actually has the Power of the Standish women ... another possession-type storyline would be fun. But I mean, really Sami. There's a reason you're always dreaming about Rafe, while you have to keep convincing yourself that you could spend your life with E.J. (And that reason is that you belong with Lucas, but since the writers ruined that, you should stick with Rafe, because you just really need a nice guy, okay.)

(-1) Carly is at fault for all of Chloe's lies! Chloe, it's not her fault that you can't tell believable lies. The thing about Carly agreeing to keep Chloe's secret is that even Chloe doesn't appreciate it! She should have told when she had the chance, because when it all comes out, Melanie AND Daniel are going to ~hate~ her. And I'll be annoyed, not because people hate Carly, but because we've already played the Melanie hates Carly thing.

(+4) Daniel finds Bo, and has at least figured out that he smells like gas. I was not sure he would understand that much. Points for him defying my expectations.

(-2) Rafe comes around the Dimera mansion asking Sami about E.J. Basically, he and E.J. should get married. He tells Sami about Nicole and E.J.'s secret truce, and judging from her huffing, she won't believe that E.J. is ACTUALLY up to something.

(-2) Chloe says that this has all just gotten way out of hand. YOU THINK? Carly is sympathetic-ish. And Chloe isn't shrieking at her. But much like our current version of Hope PM, she isn't exactly consistent in her attitude toward Carly. It's all self-wallowing and then she turns around and says that Carly did something...or something. Ah yes, apparently it's Carly's fault for keeping Chloe's secret and letting her spin a sticky web of lies and postponing her wedding to Daniel. Girl, it's all for the best. Would you really have wanted to marry Daniel in a church, and then when it all inevitably goes south, have to get yet ANOTHER annulment. I didn't know the church handed them out like candy, to be honest. Well, on soaps they do.

(+6) Dickole bid farewell to each other. The end of a beautiful relationship, truly. But I'll give them points because Nicole was really cute in the way she just kind of skipped off like the world was sunshine and rainbows. Basically, this blog is just a way for me to praise everything that Nicole does these days. Whatever, she's entertaining as hell. And at least she KNOWS what she wants and goes after it.

(+3) Sirens surround Bo's house as Daniel tries to keep his poor heart beating. Hope seems to have decided against shooting them, and I'm just wondering if her bumpit hair is big enough to conceal her tiny-ass gun.

(+2) Carly continues to blame herself for the global warming that is responsible for Chloe's tan. Oh, and for Vivian setting up Chloe. But come on, Carly. Vivian is crazy. That's what makes her fabulous. I'm going to need a chart of who blames whom for what problem at any given time of the day. Points, because I would love a Melanie and her two mommies (Chloe and Carly) craft hour where they make this chart.

(+1) Carly is called away to the ER, and I'm waiting for Chloe to curse Carly for leaving her to fend for herself against her own thoughts. ... I'll give her positive GOE here, because she refrained from doing so.

(-1) Sami implies that Rafe is having an affair with his 12-year-old secretary. The old Sami would have planted evidence. She is so lime green jello.

(+1) OMG CHLOE IS GOING TO KILL FATHER MATT. Okay, no she's not. But she wants him to stomach ANOTHER one of her confessions. Have some mercy on the priest, before even HE wants to throw himself down the four or five steps. I'll give her credit for getting my hopes up. I usually don't even bother hoping for something exciting from diva.

(+6) I like that they're meeting on the pier, though, so soon after Nicole, E.J. and stealth!Rafe left. Because I'd like to think it perpetuates the notion that Nadia is out to steal Alison Sweeney/Sami's men via "Eclipse"! (Did you SEE THE TWITTER DRAMA OVER THIS? On whose team are you? Do you believe that Nadia is trainwreck ho who should get lost? Or would you RATHER watch this version of that storyline. Hmm. Decisions.)

(-2) At some point, Roman shows up at Bo's with a few EMTs and says that they got an anonymous tip. Hope realizes that Dick called the cops to stop her from killing Bo. Girl is pissed, but I'm not getting any hilarious soundbites from her like she's been delivering for the past few days. Sad.

(-1) LOL at the hospital, Bo is shirtless. And this is the first form of half-nakedness we get in two days. I don't know what kind of kinks the writers have, but unconscious, hairy, dying dude is not hot.

(+2) Carly runs in and freaks out on Daniel to save him. I want to go to the med school where screaming and shouting is a form of saving lives. Anyway, Daniel wants them to screen Bo for toxins, which means he's used deductive reasoning and didn't just assume Bo passed out for fun. Good for him. See, this is what I'm saying. They guys on this show are so stupid around women. Daniel is usually dense as hell.

· (Sidenote, if I were writing the show like I think the writers write the show. I would assume that Bo's probably going to call Hope's name when he wakes up, and people [Carly] are going to believe it's because he wants/loves Hope. Yeah, that's more or less true, but this is Days, so nobody's going to realize that he's implicating Hope in the crime.)

(-1) EJ comes home, and Sami is tense. Ugh, negative point because I don't care.

(+3) RAFE AND NICOLE AT THE BRADY PUB AT THE SAME TIME. IT'S FATE! THEY ARE SO IN LOVE NOW, RIGHT? He's looking at her with suspicion. This means that by Christmas, they'll be engaged. Yes, please.

(+3) Hope is fuh-reaking out, because Bo can I.D. her as the culprit. She's like SCREAMING at Dick and stuff. She's breaking Dick's heart in the process, because now she has to finish the job before Bo gets her caught. But Dick just wants to run away with each other. Islands in the stream and all. Oh, and the fact that if Hope gets caught, he's had a pretty heavy hand in all her crimes. So, there's that. I give Dick extra points for his little speech that was pretty much "I'm a terrible person, mugging people was fun, but murder is scurry and I can tell you're just an angry woman so I won't let you fall into the dark abyss of soullessness!"

(+3) And Carly is still fuh-reaking out and screaming at Daniel to save Bo. LMAO Bo doesn't even look like he's going to die. He's just unconscious. I don't know. But man, his women are CRAZY. He sure knows how to pick 'em. Let's bring back Billie now, and see if she can fully rotate a hissy fit. With Hope's two personalities, Carly, and a random appearance by Billie, Bo's love life could be a quad flip of crazy. Where do I start the campaign for Billie to show up for two seconds?

(+5) And not to be outdone by crazy brunettes, Nicole yells at someone on the phone about a car getting towed. Rafe looks on. He's probably turned on, but the writers won't admit it.

(-4) Chloe wants Father Matt to tell her that she's horrible. I do too, but he won't. Basically, he knows she doesn't want his help and that she just wants him to keep his mouth shut. All he wants from her is probably a long vacation, and maybe aspirin.

(-2) Hope shows up at the hospital to finish the job. She watches Daniel and Carly remind us that we're all confused as to why they say she's with Bo, when she and Daniel spend a lot more time together and make a more convincing couple. I still don't even know why Daniel was even at Bo's. Lolz.

(-2) Sami tells EJ that since her mother is selling her townhouse, she wants to stay at the Dimera mansion permanently. Seriously, she used to live on her own and do just fine. Since she was going on about all the perks of the Dimera mansion to Rafe - there's always someone there to help her, the kids have both their parents at home, Will lives there - does that mean she can actually get a job? Because girl needs a backup plan, for when she inevitably (and six months too late) finds out that E.J., while he probably does care about his kids and shit, is bad news.

(+3) In a charming new development, she confronts E.J. about Rafe. He says "Trust me." and she hears everybody she knows telling her not to. She decides to listen to E.J. instead. Maybe it's the accent. She wants to confront Nicole and tell her, "Leave us alone! I know everything!" But we all know that Sami does not, in fact, know what Nicole knows. E.J. also knows that, so he humors Sami, but then tells her that there's no reason to talk to Nicole. Because Nicole is the crazy one who no one can trust, right? I'm giving E.J. points because I love his paranoia. But come on, I love how Sami is okay with trusting E.J. but doesn't think Nicole could ever tell the truth. Nicole just wants her man, okay. At least she's open about it. I have no idea what Sami and E.J. want, so that makes them a little more dangerous in my mind.

(+10) Rafe has his new bartender friend (his bro-tender?) spill Worcestershire sauce on Nicole, probably to get her shirt off. This is how all the best pornos start. (Note from @feelingamazing: "AND NICOLE WOULD KNOW!" OHHHH SNAP! HIGH FIVES ALL AROUND! YESSS.)

(-1) No, Rafe just wants to snoop through her stuff. Boring. He probably thought about the porn scenario though.

(+3) Hope whispers sweet nothings about killing him to an unconscious Bo. And I think every day this week has ended in Bo and Hope so far. Am I wrong? I think Tuesday might have been Daniel and Chloe. But man, with the amount of screentime Hope's story is getting, the writers are trying to convince me they're actually going somewhere with this!

Bonus points and deductions

(-5) All this Sami drama AND Chad killing his mom drama this week, and no Will. I realized this and it made me sad.
(+8) Aside from Bo in the hospital, there has been no gratuitous nudity in two days. But I'm giving them the points, because the porniest scene was Rafe and Nicole.
(-20) for no Carvers. But sidenote: good for Salem for reminding me that, even though I joke about Lexie being the only doctor, they've actually been loading the cast with doctors recently. I'm waiting to find out that Melanie is a medical prodigy like her big bro Max, even though they're not biologically related.

Today's grand total is 21 points, and I think I added that all properly. We fared slightly better than yesterday, even though I'm pretty sure I enjoyed it (okay, really mostly Nicole.) way more than the score reflects. But this just goes to show that the little things add up. Factor that, and the lack of many high scoring elements - namely Philip's hair, Abe Carver, or a quad - it just goes to show that you can't afford to make little mistakes in the long program.

· Abe Rating

3 Happy Abes

While the Carvers were, once again, poorly represented, Abe is happy because Nicole is somehow like sunshine on this show. Plus, isn't he Nicole's brother's biological father? So they're practically family!

Thank Salem It's Friday

BO'S CRASHING! Nicole spies a trap! Something else that I don't quite remember!

i had some pills, they were drugs in my coffee, drugs in my coffee.

Okay, today's recap is a little messy. I usually just type out short notes while I'm watching and elaborate afterward. Apparently, my cable just didn't want me to see the disastuh that is the Sami/Rafe/E.J. triangle, and I missed the first ten minutes. And my computer went to low-battery land toward the end of the episode, and died during the LAST ten minutes. So, I'm doing my best to reconstruct the episode myself. It may be a little bit out of order, but the important stuff is there, I think.

(-3) Sami and Rafe. I don't know what's up with them. She appears to be in a short shirtdress (or is it a romper? Or just a matching shirt/short set? IDK, but it's short), and her hair has major soap opera hair going ON. Okay, not major if you stand her next to Stephanie, Chloe or even Melanie. But it feels like more than I'm used to for Sami. I sort of tuned out whatever she's grilling Rafe about, to be honest.

(+5) Lindsay Hartley on my screen. I guess I better enjoy it while I can, huh? (To the surprise of...not me. But whatever, I really love Lindsay and just would like her in a great role that she could, you know, keep for awhile.) Points for sympathy.

(+1) Anyway, she's trying to fire E.J. as her lawyer. He's distracted, she doesn't want to be a burden, she needs someone who can focus on her case etc. This makes him sadface, but he cracks a joke about a severance package. Basically, she may not be his sort-of equal like Nicole, or the hot mess love of his life like Sami, but he wants in her pants. I didn't know how to score this, but since I don't hate this scene right now, I'll give it a plus.

(+4) Nicole in white, not may favorite. But she looks nice, as she has been a lot recently. They owe her for when Ari Zucker was pregnant. REMEMBER THE BLACK WIG? Oh, deer. Anyway, I love Nicole because she's the only girl on this show who doesn't have major soap opera hair going on. She stands out.

(-5) OMG SAMI SHUT UP. You are such an idiot. She's going on about how E.J. loves her and stuff. Okay, I'm pretty sure Rafe isn't the best person to talk to about this. She goes on about how he's the father of her children, they owe it to their kids to give them stability, two parents under one roof, etc. (They also deserve parents who aren't complete morons with each other, but there are some things they can't change.) I actually like Sami, and am glad that she's grown up from plotting and scheming to ruin other people's lives. But dear god, all she does is huff and puff and shout at everybody for hating on Elvis. Have merrrrcy, she's Uncle Jesse.

(+3) Meanwhile, Hope PM has switched back to whiny Hope, and she's going on about how she was abandoned. The show is tricking us into thinking that Bo and Hope are actually talking about their problems. They're not ACTUALLY working through their problems here (really, they're just playing the blame game again, but they seem to be listening to each other), but I still feel like if I were as invested in Bo and Hope NOW as I was in the 90s, this would be a good scene. But I am not that invested, to be honest. Still, I'll give them the points for this.

(-3) Sami calls Rafe a hypocrite. OH LAWD. This girl. I don't know why he's a hypocrite, I forget. Rafe should just find Shane, work for the ISA, be generally heroic and under-appreciated, and then somehow this will end with a Rafe/Shane/Nicole OT3. It's okay, Kimberly would be cool with it. Whatever, I like Rafe. He's not a terrible person, he's not completely oblivious. But I am more receptive to new characters/ships than maybe some other people are. The thing is, he's a good guy. I'd want him on my side. I don't feel the holier-than-thou thing from him, and even if I did, at least he's a good enough dude to back it up. And I mean, really guys? If he's judging E.J. hardcore for being a dick, it's not like he has no reason to do so.

(+5) Theresa Arianna's eyes, like, naturally glisten with unshed tears. Why would any show let her go? And Johnny is all shy around her. It's so adorable that I forget the part where I hate how people make E.J. out to be some sweet, decent, shining example of a human being. (LMAO I actually enjoy E.J. as a character, okay.)

(-1) Ari rehires E.J. after he convinces her that she's a top priority, and she asks how they'll prove that Nicole framed her. I give Ari a pass for trusting E.J. when I think Sami should do the opposite? IDK. Ari's freedom is on the line here. Nobody else is doing anything for her (LMAO, sorry Brady. You're going to get nowhere,I'm convinced). Sami should have the perspective and awareness to know that E.J. isn't the most trustworthy ever, and Arianna hasn't had the experience to gain such a perspective. And I like how he is with her. Which is to say, he's not a dumbed-down lovesick idiot. I did give this element a negative point because, as we'll find out, maybe that's not the plan anymore.

(-4) Nicole asks Brady why he kissed her if he doesn't want her. "You kissed me. And I let you kiss me. Because it felt really, really good." How poetic, Brady. Such a way with words.

(+2) Bo goes on about he didn't ~replace~ Hope with Carly, and he asks if it would change things if she were out of the picture and he took Hope back. Hope freaks out and tells him no more coffee! He looks at her like the psycho she currently is, and she says that it was probably getting cold. She's upset to find that he drank all the coffee and her sleeping pills with it. Crazy freakouts get points in this game, okay.

(+6) AND YOU GUYS. HOPE IS IN TEARS OVER A CUP OF COFFEE. My life continues to be awesome. See, I don't drink coffee, so clearly I will never have as sad a life as Hope...

(-3) ...And I won't have as an unconscious life as Bo currently does. Again, Bo shouldn't have left his drink unattended. Minus points for not doing blurry first-person vision camera tricks here. Come on, Days! Where's the excitement? Somewhere in between cloudstears in Hope's coffee and Bo passing out, she switches back to Hope PM, and she reminds Bo that it's ALLLLLL HIS FAULT AND NOT CARLY'S! So, obviously, he has to die for it. Bo goes unconscious and Hope PM skips out to yank Dick around and plan Beauregard's murder.

(-3) LMAO MEANWHILE. Brady and Nicole are going on about...something? IDK, but he convinces Nicole that he and Arianna are over. Dunzo. But he's still working full time on trying to prove her case, even though I'm not sure he's actually ever been the more capable of the pair. Nicole, Rafe, Hope PM, Melanie freaking Layton. All people I still think are way more capable, to be honest.

(+2) Nicole doesn't want him to work on Ari's case. And tells him so. Get it, gurrrl. It says something that out of all the love polygons we're visiting today, the only ones who are straightforward about what they want are E.J. and Nicole.

(+3) OH BRADY, should being a complete tease get him points? According to the technical panel consisting of myself, it's allowed in the new scoring system. See, while Nicole's going on about how she just wants a future with Brady, he avoids committing to her, and says "I will always...be your friend."

(+3) I give Nicole points for trying to leave, because that was kind of a dick move, Brady. If you want her, then you want her! She's been obsessed with you since you were Kyle Lowder, and she STILL wants you and you for some reason cannot quit her! So, yeah. Stop stringing her along, one way or another.

(+6) And Brady manages Level 4s with this circular tease sequence, when he grabs Nicole, spins her around so that he can kiss her... ON THE CHEEK. LMAO ASS.

(+3) In a random new development, Rafe got himself a young, hot assistant or secretary. I'll give that points. Cue Sami's horny, jealous panting. To be honest, I STILL have no idea what's going on with Sami and Rafe. He is too good for her, but he doesn't rub it in her face. She just assumes he does. It's not his fault he's just a little more aware than she is.

(-4) Sami's upset because PYT seems to have the job she wanted. While I would love for Sami to get an actual job, stand on her own two feet and stop depending on these guys to take care of her, there are certain places I would have a hard time justifying hiring her. The hospital is at the top of that list. But I'm pretty sure FBI/law enforcement in general is pretty high up, too. Sorry, Samantha.

(-2) Somewhere along the way, Rafe asks Sami if she loves E.J. She avoids the question, and huffs and puffs and says something about respect.

(+8) Nicole just said "do do." Positive grade of execution for my immaturity level. If they can get Nicole to say "boobies" and "fart" in the same sentence, I have a feeling that would automatically be a gold-medal episode for me. Nicole reminds E.J. that she's not completely stupid (and actually, I'm inclined to agree. She manages to pull off a lot of shit.) and "doesn't he think she'd have copies of that tape (which implicates him as Sydney's kidnapper, for those of you who may have forgotten) all over the place?"

(+3) IDK the exact quote, but YAYYYYYY EJ YELLED. I love Crazy Old Maurice EJ. Nicole really strikes a nerve. This is what happens when your favorite muppets are Dimeras who run drug cartels or kidnap their own babies. I wonder if he learned this at the same lawyer school where Brady's former identity Ethan learned how to diffuse bombs.

(-6) E.J. for some reason tells Nicole that he loves Sami, and I don't really care. The way I always saw it, EJ always was more ~in love~ with Sami than she ever will be with him. Not that I believe he was like, completely in love with her (you know, when he RAPED her), but maybe infatuated is the better word? Obsessed? She makes him stupid and pathetic. I wish he would just be a villain and keep his built-in Dimera badass points.

(-3) Hope goes to Dick for the rest of the things on her shopping list. Which is just matches and gasoline. If Hope wanted to obliterate the house, she should have gotten mystery goo. OMG REMEMBER MYSTERY GOO/LAVA EXPLOSIVE. I wish they would pull a mystery goo, where the storyline was just so stupid that they dropped it with a simple explanation. Anyway, LOL HOPE. This will end well. Negative points for the lack of mystery goo.

(+4) Dick doesn't do arson AND murder. Arsonurder? Arsassination? Well, he don't play that. So Hope decides she's just going to do it herself. There are way too many puns on doing it herself and the name Dick that I DON'T want to make here, because it's gross.

(+3) In the house Hope has decided to burn to the ground, Bo wakes up, calls Hope's name, and stumbles while trying to get up from the couch. Only to go two feet before falling over unconscious again. Yay for physical comedy! A+ Peter Reckell.

(+4) Oh, Nicole. In an ironic twist, she has learned that the way to Brady's heart is to OH MY GOD, fix her most recent ~evildoing~? She decides to blackmail EJ with her information, and her condition is that he prove Arianna's innocence without implicating her. I LOVE THIS. #FREEARIANNA! It's almost no harm, no foul (I mean, let's face it. Brady/Arianna were doomed before she ever went to jail. I wouldn't give Nicole herself TOO much credit for that. I feel more like she capitalized on it.). Is it wrong that I kind of hope she gets away with it?

(+2) Rafe is eavesdropping, and will probably manage to, once again, get shit done here. So he'll know that E.J. has a secret that Nicole is holding over his head, and will probably try to figure out what's going on there. My hope is that he exposes E.J. and somehow saves Nicole, then she can be all heart-eyes over him. Oh, E.J. will still be fun times after this. He'll probably get his way out of punishment somehow, so everybody wins.

(+4) Hope PM continues to be hilarious and completely ridiculous as she pours gasoline all over the floor and empties out the container thingy (what do you call those giant red things of gasoline) all over Beauregard. I love that her crime shoes are like...platform wedges.

Deductions, bonus points, etc.

+8 For all the crazy people today: EJ, Hope, Brady's delusions of competence...I know I gave him negative points for that earlier, but when you factor it into the BIG PICTURE, I have to hand it to them for reminding us that everyone is out of their minds.
-10 I don't remember any plaid. Or shirtlessness. When I don't give a crap what's going on, I can usually count on something gratuitous like that to distract me.
-20 No Abe Carver. Automatic deduction. And no Lexie, either. The lack of respect for the First Family in Salem makes me sadface.

According to my calculations, which I'm not entirely sure are correct to be honest, today's episode scored a whopping 12 points. Clearly, the USFSA, ISU and French judge have something against us today. Was I unnecessarily harsh? I don't know. I was actually going to change up the recap style today just for fun, but I wanted to see how my system would stand against different stories. I'll see if tomorrow yields similar results, and then we'll know whether the system favors certain storylines over others. Maybe we'll try something fun on different on Friday.

· Abe Rating:
5 Unhappy Abes

Not only did today not let the Carvers be great, Abe is also confused because he has no idea what the fuck these people (Sami, particularly) are talking about.

Tomorrow in Salem

We see Daniel trying to revive an unconscious Bo. WAIT, WHAT. LOL DANIEL? HOW EVEN. I'm already excited! What is Daniel doing there?