My heart belongs to that sweet, little, beautiful, wonderful, perfect All-American... Abe

Okay, this is a little different today, because I don't feel like scoring everything. I've given separate story elements base scores and thrown in extra points and deductions where necessary. I hope this works.

(-3) Henderson's being Sassy and Viv is wearing a riding hat (+5). HOW IS SHE EVEN REAL. Brady shows up at the mansion, no doubt to unleash his general addiction-induced asshattery. Vivian accuses Brady of freeloading off his grandfather, and Brady tells her that Victor doesn't care about her. Brady is being such an ass these days. Maybe these increasingly tighter shirts are cutting off circulation to his brain. I mean, I know it's Vivian, but still.

(+4) Victor shows up at Bo's house yelling, "GET OUT OF HERE YOU JACKALS!" (+2) Apparently there's press all over the place. LMAO. Victor tells Bo that he's sorry and that they're going to get Hope all the help she needs. Victor insists that this is Carly's fault! Even though Hope left and was angry WAY before Carly was even back in the picture. That's what I don't understand about people being so quick to blame her. Y'all are basic bitches. (-2) Bo says Victor can blame her all he wants, but the only thing that matters is taking care of Sierra and helping hope. All of a sudden, Maggie shows up to tell them that's the first smart thing either of them had said! Where was she hiding?! Ninja points! (+3) Victor wants Bo to hire the best lawyer he can and bill it to him! "I don't need your damn money!" OMFG, BOSEPH. LOL, he immediately apologizes and tells Victor he loves him, too. Which Maggie points that out to him. How sweet. Mags and Victor go for a walk, and he ignores a call. Probably from Vivian.

(+1) ...And it is Vivian, and she now thanks technology that she's now Victor's own private stalker. Wat. LOL, though.

(+2) Maggie and Victor are on a park bench. She cries about Hope, Victor consoles her, and Vivian finds them on a bench hugging in a great "Oh, you've GOT to be kidding me" kind of moment. LOL. Victor and Maggie agree to a cup of coffee, and Vivian threatens them from behind a tree.(LMAO +4) Back in Maggie's kitchen, she admits to being wrong, and Victor thinks it's impossible! Maggie thinks she was wrong to push Victor away, since they're friends and what's the point of friends if they can't talk?

(+4) Gus (+1) meets Viv at the mansion on her request, and she's complaining about how the redhead has lured Vic into her disgusting world of aprons and donuts. She wants to teach Maggie a lesson, and red doesn't know what she's up against!

(-3) Rafe overhears Elvis talking about his and Sami's engagement and says, "That's never gonna happen," as he walks away. Rafe punches stuff to work out the aggression. Well, it's a punching bag, but the emotion's still there! It's better than breathing really hard to express your frustration (Sami...).

(-5) Sami seems upset that Will doesn't have a more animated reaction to the news of her engagement. SAMI HATES PASSIVE AGGRESSIVENESS. Yes, Sami. Because huffing and puffing like a 5-year-old is how adults handle their anger. Will wonders about Sami's intent behind marrying E.J. and brings up Rafe. He also says that she's not putting her kids first (I'm giving Will points because he's fabulous +5), and the only reason why she's marrying E.J. is because he is the father of two of them. I'd like to take the time to remind us all who broke up Sami and WILL'S FATHER (and Allie's father) first. But, seriously. She doesn't seem to care about Will's feelings. She drove him to move in with Kate in the first place. And she asks him to say something, but gets angry when he does. I don't even know. Sami says that she and E.J. are compatible, and will snarks on her that "so were Dwight and Angela." The reference is lost on Sami, but not on me and Will gets extra points for being ~hip and cool. (+5) She also assures him the engagement has nothing to do with Rafe. Yeah, okay. (-3) Will doesn't want to talk about this anymore, and he doesn't think it's his place. (Plus, Sami doesn't seem to WANT anybody's opinion anyway.)

(+2) I missed a couple scenes in the middle (there was some EJ/Hope in there, I know that much), but now Sami and Will are at the pier smiling at each other and getting along, so I'm confused. But Will is still a smartass, and makes jokes about Sami getting married. Will leaves, and Rafe shows up at the pier and pointedly calls her "Mizzzzz Brady."

(+10) ABE CARVER IS HOPE'S FRIEND. OMG ABE CARVER IN THE BUILDING. Hope is worried about getting special treatment, just because of who she knows, her name, etc. And people keep saying her mind is not in the right place, but I'm like...she's the only one who sees why that's an actual problem. Arianna is already pissed off enough that people treat her like trash, don't give the girl (or anyone else of the disenfranchised in Salem) more reason to be angry. BUT WHO CARES, BECAUSE ABE IS WEARING AN AMERICAN FLAG PIN. PATRIOTISM, THY NAME IS CARVER. (+5)

(+2) Side note: Um, Abe was prescribed the same pills as Hope from the same hole-in-the-wall doctor. I wonder if they're ever going to address that. (-1) Or if they did and I was too busy marveling at Abe's patriotism to notice. Lexie wants time alone with Hope, and Abe isn't a sexist ass about leaving his wife alone with a violent criminal. That's because Abe Carver cares about people without being patronizing. Ah, perfection personified. Lexie hugs Hope and they cry. She tells Hope to take care of herself, without being righteous or telling Hope what to do about her legal trouble the way other people have been. What is it with Carvers being so awesome? Lexie mentions that Theo and Sierra have a play date, and with that she starts to leave. Hope wants Lexie to tell Abe she heard what he said, because WHO wants to let down Abe? NOBODY! (+4)

(-2) Elvis has a crooked...cop. (Whereas Nicole and Hope have a crooked Dick.) Anyway, EJ wants to get in to see hope, and I'm like...if everybody he's hurt/ruined had confrontation time with him, they'd need a take-a-number system. EJ gets into Hope's little holding room, and starts threatening her. (he's so classy -2) She tells him he's wasting his time, since she can't feel any worse than she already does. EJ wants to make sure Hope pays for what she did. Bo walks in and tells him not to threaten his wife.

(-1) Brady is now visiting Hope at the station, and is talking to Hope from an addict's perspective. He tells Hope to never give up. (Okay, +3) He's still wearing this tight shirt, but apparently, his jackass has worn off for the day.

(+8) THE CARVERS ARE PLAYING WITH THE DEMON CHILD SIERRA AT THE "BEACH." EXTRA POINTS. (+5) They talking about how they've talked about having another kid.

(-2) BO SHOWS UP AT THE DIMERA MANSION AND THREATENS TO KILL EJ. (+1) OOH. He wonders if it makes E.J. feel like a man to threaten a woman who's only hanging on by a thread. E.J. goes on blah blah blah, special treatment, blah.

(-3) Sami walks into Rafe's locker room and starts yelling at him, and this other bro that was in there decides he'll go to the shooting range where it's quieter. He tells her, "YOU'RE OUT OF YOUR EVERLOVING MIND!" (+4) for marrying E.J. Sami huffs and puffs. Apparently, Rafe has to accept that they're over. But Sami keeps yelling at him when he's like, YEAH OKAY. She can't have it both ways. And really, Samanther? What's the point, if you're over, you're over. Why does it matter who's to blame? Rafe doesn't believe she's in love with E.J. and he wants to prove it. They kiss passionately. LOL. This will end well.

Housekeeping points and the Grand Total

(-8) There was not enough funny hair for my liking. No tall Chad hair, no crazy Philip hair, no Bumpit. I don't even think there was an abundance of big, soap hair a la Chloe.
(+20) The Carver bonus.
(-10) IDK, I miss Philip.

Today's grand total is 60 POINTS. And yes, it was that glorious. I think my system today works for me, and the score sounds about right in comparison to the old system. So maybe I'll stick with it. Especially since it's not all over the place. I kind of like the other one though, so maybe I'll alternate?

Abe Rating

5 Happy Abes

I don't think I need to elaborate.

Tomorrow in Salem

If Melanie's marriage falls apart, Stephanie is going to lose Nathan. Nothing we all don't know. I don't understand what it is with soap girls who are so desperate to cling on to a guy who will leave them given the chance. (ICU, Gwen Hotchkiss.) Like, on paper, Stephanie could do better. In reality, well, she deserves a lion to bite her head off but that's because she always insists on talking.

Maggie wants to know what is going on between her grandson Nathan and Melanie. Oh-ho-ho. Nathan's hair looks kind of fluffy. All I can say is:

IDK what was going on in the clip, but it looked like E.J. was playing with babbies. Probably preparing to kidnap another one.

Everybody in the whole cell block was dancing to the jailhouse rock.

And I'm back! I haven't done one of these in over a week, because I either kept getting distracted, or I stopped typing because I was raging at the screen so hard. So LOL. I may do a catch-up post to cover the past week or so, but IDK.

On a brighter note, Chad's back! Basically, I'm sick of everyone else. So, yes. This is very good.

(+3) NO TOUCHING! Julie goes to visit Hope in her holding room, and the guard is very set on not letting people hug her. Points for his determination.

(-5) Julie is being fucking annoying. I'm so unsympathetic, lol. I usually like Julie, too. I'm just not keen on her...I don't know if I'd call it entitlement, but that's the word that's coming to mind. Anyway, she's acting really, like, entitled and annoying about this Hope thing.

(+2) Hernandez family meeting, and I take it upon myself to appreciate them since no one else does (well, Gabi is boring and I don't want her to break up #Chill). Rafe doesn't think Arianna is happy about her name being cleared. Arianna is a weird and complex soul, we have to respect that okay!

(+6) Kate and Will have a ridiculously cute grandma moment. She makes fun of his attachment to his phone, and like the business-and-technologically-savvy grammy she is, she helps him find it. Will is looking quite dapper, and he doesn't even have his tie on yet. I say this as a neutral, uninterested observer, because the kid is supposed to be 17.

(+3) Chad sees Stefano at the pub and starts off with small talk - you know, talking about his dead hooker mama over lunch. Nothing too serious.

(+5) EJ is shirtless and wet. Today's episode really doesn't want me to downgrade them automatically for EJami scenes, so they're trying to distract me. He puts his shirt on, but it's okay, because his shorts are HILARIOUS.

(+7) Oh, also, they're at the "beach," which we know is a moderate-to-big ticket item!

(+2) Points for the phrase "happy as a clam!" I don't care about the context, but E.J. says "happy as a clam" and I'm LMAO.

(-4) Sami knows what E.J. is up to, and she won't let him get away with it. She's probably going to accuse him of doing something incredibly sweet, and I'll vom.

(+3) Stef tries to brush of Chad, and he's like WHY DO YOU WANT TO KNOW SO MUCH ABOUT HER HOOKER DAYS. YOU ARE A STRANGE CHILD. You know, I feel like they've been talking about this for too long, but then I remember that Chad hasn't been on in awhile, so this same conversation is probably dragging out in multiple scenes a LOT LESS than other peoples' do.

(-2) They cut the scene before Chad's hair gets any taller. Sad. This is the first time we've seen Chad in a while, and I want to savor the moment okay.

(-5) Sami cries about the pressure to get married to Elvis. Uggggggh, I'm bored. Cut back to Kate, now, please.

(+4) Sami daydreams about Rafe. YAY RAFE! Needs more Nicole. EJ interrupts Samantha's thoughts. Because really, what good is your woman if she has them?

(+5) Arianna has a bone to pick with Hope. Because, OH HELL NO. Arianna lost her freedom, and she doesn't believe the story that Hope didn't know what she was doing, and Hope WILLINGLY framed her for her crimes, and who does this bitch think she is just because she has a prestigious name! She is going to go confront Hope, and thank god, because I'm tired of Brady right now and everyone else around Hope is so goddamn annoying that Ari is a welcome change. EYES WILL GLISTEN LIKE THEY HAVE NEVER BEFORE. I CAN'T WAIT.

(+2) She also called Hope a psycho, so this amuses me. I'm excited, if you can't tell.

(-1) Everyone's so overprotective of Hope. Julie's getting on my damn nerves. Thankfully, Hope sends her away telling her to take care of Sierra. I'm sorry, but once you've kidnapped John Black and held him captive on a submarine, I don't buy that you're too weak to handle a little jailtime. I don't mean this against Hope, I'm just really annoyed with the people who don't think she deserves to be punished at all. There's only so much you can do to defend her, like it or not, Hope did the crimes. AND she admits that the anger wasn't just something brought about by the drugs, so Nighttime Hope really was just, like another side of real Hope or something. IDK. I only took away one point, because Hope did get rid of Julie.

(-3) Now Sami is feeling guilty about her part in the whole baby mama drama. We're still talking about that? Oh.

(-5) WHAT THE FUCK, SAMI. SHUT UP. YOU ARE STUPID. I'm sure previously being forced into a marriage with a Dimera and you know... rape, are pretty good reasons to NOT want to raise a kid with one. And even AFTER you had Sydney or "Grace," it's not like E.J. was so reformed then. It wasn't even that long ago. I clearly remember him doing some pretty spectacularly bad things of which Sami is aware, after Sydney was born. Like having Philip get shot. Or having Stephanie kidnapped, which yeah we know I hate Stephanie, but I'm not about to give the guy an award for a good deed.

(-7) EW{)ETWoksdoijiotrjoijr NOOOOOO. Sami suddenly tells E.J. she'll marry him, and he gets all wide eyed as if she just found out that he kidnapped a baby or something. Like he would ever do...oh, wait.

(+3) Will looks for Stefano, but his lover Chad already scared Mr. Dimera away. They talk about the dead hooker some more.

(+1) Stefano shows up at the mansion, and Kate's like "Boo you whore, you were supposed to have lunch with young William!" He explains that Chad ambushed him at the pub.

(+4) "You ran away from a teenage boy." Kate knows what's up.

(+5) Kate just suggested prayer to Stefano, hoping that the problems with Maddie and her secrets are behind them. And IRONY, they cut right back to E.J. and Sami. May god have mercy on their souls. Extra points for hilarious juxtaposition of scenes.

(-3) Sami ACTUALLY runs into Rafe at the beach this time (it's not one of her smutty daydreams) and she's all smiles and HI!. LOL you bitch.

(+5) Chad needs business experience to get into one of his business classes. Will quips, "Do you need surgery to get into med school?!" or something like that. IDK they're so cute tho. Will has him take a look at the project Stefano has him working on, because Will doesn't think it's fair that he has a huge opportunity and Chad's the one that needs it.

(-4) Charles. Eww.

(+1) Arianna wants to know why Hope hates her. Poor scorned women of Salem, they have such complicated lives.

(-5) Charles is gross. And now he's refusing to spend time with Chad and doesn't want to drive down to North Carolina with him like they planned.

(+2) Stefano and Will meet at the mansion. Stefano comments on Will's gentlemanly attire. Will wants to work with Chad on whatever project he's doing, and Stefano doesn't want Chad on board.

(+6) GODDAMN, ARIANNA. I'm about to fist pump in admiration. Okay, I actually feel bad for Hope, in a twist of events, but from Ari's point of view - Hope completely believed Ari was guilty, gave her no benefit of the doubt - unless to say, "I understand why you did it, you're angry!", and now people don't want to punish Hope, while Ari had to sit in jail forever.

(-4) Sami yells at Rafe a little bit for not thinking E.J. is a saint, but I can't help but remember who told him all about the evil Dimeras first. She blames herself for the whole baby fiasco, but Rafe shouldn't think anything wrong of E.J. LOGIC. It is not native to Samantha's brain.

(-1) Stefano's being outsmarted by Will. Like, seriously Stefano, if you didn't want Chad to work with Will because of his FATHER, then why did you run out on the kid at the Pub. Hmmm, questions. Stefano is not as sharp as he used to be, and hasn't talked his way out of this yet.

(+3) Arianna tells Hope that in her experience (let's not forget, Arianna's been to jail and has gang experience and knows a lot of criminals!), people who do truly evil things like Hope did have a lot of hate and shit in their hearts and whatnot. LMAO now Hope is going to think that she was evil all along, isn't she? Where's Princess Gina! Ari doesn't want to believe Hope, and whatever haters, she has no reason to. Because she knows what we know - everyone's all about poor Hope and trying, and nobody cares that Arianna didn't do anything.

(-3) Rafe is reminding Sami that of her past with E.J. and why she was in witness protection in the first place, and she's pissed at him for not being happy for her and E.J. I'm sure she's yelling back at him about something else, but I can't be bothered to care.
20
(+1) I can give Doug a little bit of a pass because it's his daughter, but still. Don't you teach your kids to take responsibility? She's being really hard on herself, but her reaction is the most understandable. Like, she wants to plead guilty because she IS. Nobody else seems to get that.

(+1) Anyway, Hope breaks down into more tears and Doug wants to comfort her but the guard is still like, "NO TOUCHING!" More points for the guard.

(+3) But Doug's like, "PUH-LEASE" and he crosses to the other side of the table to comfort her. I'll give Doug the badass points.

(-3) Chad's telling Kate about the day he had straight A's and how his dad was never proud of him and that he just doesn't want the kid around. OMG TEARS. Kate's all sad and sympathetic, and she knows that Charles isn't Chad's daddy. Negative points because Charles sucks and once Chad started telling his story about how his dad never cared about any of his accomplishments, I knew I'd be all "POOOOOR CHAAAAD!"

(-3) Sami thinks Rafe doesn't love the REAL her. LOL, I'm sure she loves the REAL E.J. (LOL she doesn't even love phony nice guy E.J., which she pretty much admitted) And while we're at it - whatever. E.J. puts ~SAMANTHER~ up on SUCH a pedestal, and Rafe's just like, "Sami, you're being an idiot and you're capable of better. Also, I love you and I'll do anything for you."

(+1) Gabi is giving Arianna smart advice. LMAO. Basically, Gabi tells Ari that when she went to jail when they were younger, she was so pissed at her for being so stupid, and their mom convinced Gabi to forgive Ari, and Ari should do the same for Hope so she doesn't hold that anger in or something. IDK. IDK, but it sounded solid.

(-1) Sami walks in on Will working on his project and remembers that she has other kids who aren't E.J.'s. She tells him about Elvis's proposal, and Will's too good of a kid to call her the many names I've been calling her all day.

(-2) Aww, E.J. is on the phone with Stefano, and Rafe walks onto the pier with a smirk. E.J. is telling his father that he and Sami are engaged, and Rafe looks so sad.

Bonus points, deductions, and our grand total!

(+8) Technically, I do have to give a shirtless bonus, and a beach bonus. Even though it was a sneaky tactic to distract me from the Sami/EJ mess.
(-20) No Abe Carver, no Lexi. What a disastuh.
(+17) Chill points, though, because I love them. And you know what? I'm throwing in extra points because the most Regal Salem couple, Kate and Stefano (not to be confused with the First Family of Salem, the Carvers.), both got to interact with both Will and Chad.

I think that means today got a score of 22. I thought it would be higher since I was practically throwing the points at Arianna and Will/Chad. But I guess Sami won't be doing DOOL's average any favors until Lucas comes back for good (not happening anytime soon, sadly) or she finally dumps E.J. allowing him to be the amazingly crazy and ridiculous villain we know he can be.

Abe Rating

2 Happy Abes

IDK how happy Abe REALLY is, what with Hope being a mugger and Sami being completely oblivious, but Chad is probably a Dimera, which makes him practically a Carver, which makes Chill scenes good for the Abe ratings.

Next time in Salem

Bo tells E.J. "don't threaten my wife!" Where is Sami to defend her fiance?

Vivian thinks she needs to teach someone a lesson. I would pay for "burying people alive" lessons.

Rafe is in sweats, so I'm guessing he has to work out through his depression. "I guess congratulations are in order." Sami, you are so cruel to him.