Free Weezy.

Eh. I didn't get much of a chance to pay attention, so this is really all about Will. There is slight recappage of other stories, but mainly, I only did that to post a Victor line.

Both Stefano and Rafe suspect Will of shooting Elvis. Stefano continues his threats of vengeance on his son's shooter, and Kate and Sami defend Will. (Well, duh, Sami knows for a fact he didn't do it. You know, considering she did it.) Sami reminds Stefano that against everyone's warnings, Will got close to Stefano and cares about him, basically outlines how wonderful a person Will is, but yeah. Stefano is still convinced it was him. Meanwhile, EJ's brain activity is increasing (well, that's nice. It's been 13 years, why start now?), and Lexie is trying to wake him up. So Sami, Stefano and Kate rush to the hospital. Unsurprisingly, nothing happens as Stefano tries to get EJ to name his attacker, and Elvis goes back to being useless and in a coma.

Rafe questions Will at the "beach" (if I were scoring today, this would be a +3) and says that he's changed from being "Rigid FBI guy," not everything is black and white and he'll do anything to protect the people he loves. So, not-very-subtly, he's telling Will that if he shot EJ, he'll protect him from Stefano. Rafe gets a call from Sami from the hospital, so he and Will head to Salem U.

Upon arrival, Stefano makes sure to pointedly mention to Will that whoever shot his son will PAY! Sami whisks Will away to talk to him privately, and Rafe and Kate exchange a few words. I forget what.

Sami wants Will to live with Roman, to protect him from Stefano. He'd rather live with Grandma Caroline, but Roman has GUNS and knows how to use them! Will seems shocked that his mother is THAT afraid of what Stefano will do. Words, words, words. Sami refuses to let Will take the fall for her crime, and says that if he's accused, she'll confess. Will refuses to let her confess. The kids need her! And OMG, Will is like perfect and so noble it would be annoying if he weren't so presh. He apparently believes Rafe has changed and all, because he thinks Sami should tell him the truth, because he could help. Sami refuses to tell Rafe, for fear of ruining his life should it come out that he's an accessory to her crime.

Stefano agrees that the thought of Will shooting EJ is upsetting. Stefano is fond of Will, and tells Kate he won't do anything until he finds out for sure. I don't even know, guys. Will is adorable. Like, he should pretty much be declared a saint. So if Stefano goes after him, I cannot say I would be behind this course of action unless Chad is there. And makes #Chill HAPPEN. Because it's real, guys. It's real. I made Rafe and Nicole ~happen, even if only temporarily and not for really real, but Chill is like totally not made-up, so yeah. I think I can help make it happen because nobody on the internet would disagree, would they? (What am I even talking about now? I DON'T EVEN KNOW.) My only problem with them is that I don't know which one is Claire Danes.

Later, Sami is in bed with Rafe, insisting that she'll fix all of this. He wonders how, and she very vaguely says she'll find a way...

***

Elsewhere in Salem, Vivian seems to have skipped town. However, Brady is kind of crazy right now and locked her in the sarcophagus which she intended for dear Maggie. Brady is annoying and kind of gross right now, but whatever. Vivian buried his mother in a PET CEMETERY and he's legit out of his mind due to his low tolerance for certain substances, so are we really surprised that he did this?

Anyway, Victor is celebrating her disappearance, but Justin and Maggie are skeptical that she actually left. Maggie suggests that Victor try contacting her friends. His response is quite a gem. "How many friends do you think a snake could list on Facebook?" Victor takes Maggie up to Vivian's room (ooh, la la) to show her that Vivian is clearly gone for good, which Vivian watches in horror from the monitor in her sarcophagus hooked up to the secret camera in her room. She proceeds to call Maggie a hussy and other unpleasant names, and this is so ridic and comical.

Also skeptical of Vivian's disappearing act is Carly, who has more glamorous hair to prove it. She doesn't think it's like Vivian to just leave, and Bo tries to think of reasons why she would leave. Among them is that Victor said something mean to her. See, Carly, like the rest of us, know that's bullshit. "Victor doesn't say nice things to Vivian's face, what does she expect him to say behind her back?" HAHAHAHA. True, though. Bo continues to try to reason with her that Vivian is gone so he calls Brady to look into it. Yeah, okay. Brady. That will end well. Even if we didn't know that he's behind Vivian's current situation...like really? Anyway, Sierra apparently is an arts and crafts masterclass, because the demon child popped up with what is apparently a magnum opus according to Bo and Carly's praises. And she wants Carly to have her artwork. Well, that is precious. I would lol so hard if Hope gets out of jail and like Sierra is in love with Carly.

Speaking of Hope, she's still in jail (obviously) and cellmate Tina has now called in reinforcements to once again start a fight with the crazy psycho cop. How cute. Bo is talking about how Hope hasn't responded to any of Sierra's letters or anything yet, and then he gets a call from Warden about Hope's exploits. Awesome ~juxtaposition.

Brady continues to be strange, and has like crisisisesees of faith or something over neutralizing Vivian for now.

But who cares, because EJ stirs long enough to say "Samantha" and freak Lexie out. OOH. SUSPENSE.

No news on the hair front, as Philip and Nathan were both absent today.

Wake up, Maggie. I think I got something to say to you.

Okay, I'll get back to scoring episodes one day, but I have to get back into semi-regularly recapping first. My next big task is to remember how to edit. Anyway, the theme of today seems to be "Maggie," because she was incorporated into every single storyline somehow. Amazing.

***

I haven't seen Hope in awhile, but right now she is being shown to her cell. Hope thanks Prison Warden, but she's kind of doing this tough love "don't thank me yet" kind of thing. Warden assures Hope she's getting no special treatment based on her name and rank. After Warden leaves, Hope introduces herself to her cellmate. Cellmate tells Hope if she messes with her stuff, she'll mess with her. She taunts Hope a little bit, but apparently this mother of three has a bit of a soft-spot for babbies. Because when she finds out Hope is keeping a picture of her daughter, she offers her tape to hang it up. Cellmate Tina recognizes Hope but can't quite place her. The guard comes around with mail, and upon hearing "Hope Williams," she says she knows who Hope is.

Tina doesn't want to be in the same cell as Hope, because not only is she a cop, she's also a psycho. She calls for a guard, but Lenny the guard can't do anything for her. Tina starts a fight with Hope, in (no pun) hopes that it will get one of them out of the same cell. Hope defends herself and "neutralizes" her, and now Tina's coughing up a lung from being strangled, so she gets sent off to the infirmary. After Warden's like, "WTF" Hope, she tells her that the infirmary is like a giant jailhouse gossip ring, so now eeeeveryone will know who she is.

Bo and Sierra are chilling at Maggie's, who brings out a costume for the demon child's skating(?) recital. I'm not 100% sure if she said skating and not like, dance or ski-jump or something. But if that's a skating costume, it looks a little bulky, just saying. Maggie tells Bo to take a lot of pictures, and Sierra asks why she can't take them herself. Maggie breaks the news that she's leaving and now Sierra thinks life is just, like, SO UNFAIR, since her mom isn't going to her recital and now Maggie can't either. She's talking like a teenager already. Rapid soap aging, without the actual aging.

Sierra is upset that Hope hasn't responded to the letter she wrote her yet, and Bo says that it takes awhile. She wonders why they can't talk on the webcam like she did with Bo when he was away, and he says it's not allowed. "Nothing's allowed! I hate everything!" LMAO no seriously. Demon child is like 3, and talking like a moody teenager. What even. And then she whips out, "I'm going to pray on Grandma's rosary every night, and GOD will make her come home." I'm not one to insult another's faith, but lol. Good luck with that one, kid.

Brady is, you know, just shooting the breeze in his mother's tomb and shouting at Vivian about his mother's dead body and the sarcophagus. He's pretty close to actually like, getting violent her and he hasn't shaved in about a week, apparently. Brady says he isn't stupid blah blah blah, he knows Vivian's up to something and bringing his mother into it was a huge mistake and etc. He's going to force her to tell him her plan so he can go run off to grandpa with it. Brady is inspecting the sarcophagus, and wondering what his mother needs with a straw and an HD monitor. He thinks the coffin is for somebody still alive. He's a sharp one, that Brady Black. He tells Vivian that burying someone alive stays on your permanent record. LMAO, Brady should be a high school guidance counselor. Vivian tries to call for help, but Brady says if she touches her cell phone, he'll break both of her legs off. That's...cute. Anyway, when he thinks of Vivian, he thinks, "She buries people alive!" Fucking LOL. Brady wonders who Vivian is planning to bury. Hmm, Melanie? I kind of do get a little joy at his protectiveness over Melanie, but he manhandles Vivian a bit and the fact that they have him do this kind of stuff really sickens me, to be honest. Anyway, she drops her purse and Brady goes through her belongings and apparently has found something damning.

Meanwhile, Melanie is in the hospital locker room and Nathan walks in and his hair is super hilarious. Apparently, he's a bit overworked, and Dr. Harrison didn't show up so Nathan has to cover his shift. Melanie gossips about Dr. Harrison and his inability to juggle the wife and the mistress, and when she turns around Nathan is leaning against the lockers and asleep. How tender.

Elsewhere at Salem U, Carly's telling Chloe not to worry about Vivian. Daniel wonders why Chloe is upset, worried about Vivian and calling Carly about her. Daniel wonders what Chloe had to do with Vivian's revenge plan on Carly, and Carly flashes back to when she confessed to trying to kill her. Still funny. Carly assures him everything is fine, they're all friends, blah blah, this scene was pretty useless.

Anyway, why is Stephanie at Chloe's and looking at her all sinister? She brought her a gift for the baby, and it's actually cute except for the fact that Stephanie is trying to prove that Chloe changed her own paternity test results. Because (and yes, we do have to rehash Stephanie's roundabout logic because it's necessary to point out just how crazy she is) if Chloe did something that affects her own life and ostensibly doesn't affect Stephanie at all, it is clearly Stephanie's business. She should definitely be breaking into people's apartments and their computers and hospital computers, right? RIGHT?! Oh my god, what is this girl even.

Chloe and Stephanie talk a little while longer, and Chloe is confused what she has to do with everything working out for Stephanie. Stephanie says that Chloe telling her to talk to Father Matt last year was the greatest advice ever (...okay. Poor priest, he gets the most pathetic people in Salem trying to talk to him all the time). Stephanie insults Philip to prove how amazing Nathan is, and I'm sure that's something Chloe's super comfortable talking about. Crazy tells Chloe about how happy she is with Nathan, and it's a little creepy because she sounds so serious. Chloe wonders if Stephanie is actually happy. And she is also probably freaked out because it's Stephanie, and as hilarious as Chloe's signature wide confused eyes are, Stephanie totally wins at scary crazy eyes. Chloe tells Stephanie that she reminds her of herself with Lucas, trying to convince herself that they are happy together. Stephanie insists that she and Nathan are ~DIFFERENT.

Chloe still thinks Stephanie is a bit worried about something. Intuitive!Chloe. This is new. Stephanie says she's worried about work and forgetting to send in a file or something. She gives herself an excuse to use Chloe's computer, and she looks pretty giddy. That can't be good. But now that she can send Ian an e-mail from Chloe's computer, he can figure out if she used her computer to change her results. Stephanie meets Ian at the pub, and she prattles on about Chloe and he's barely listening while he does all the work for her by hacking into St. Mary's computers once again.

LMAO Stephanie would DIE if she realized that while she's busy creeping out Chloe, this little scene is going on between Melanie and Nathan. THERE IS TOUCHING. AND STUFF. Okay, well, she helps him away from the lockers and onto a bed, because if he's going to sleep, he might as well be...like, not standing up. She's about to leave when she drops her purse and a bunch of pacifiers fall out - for Chloe's baby shower, she explains. He's confused about Melanie being friendly with Chloe now, and half-sleepy, he tells Melanie to do him a favor (not that kind of favor.) and not to get too close to Chloe. Obviously, Melanie is confused.

After sort-of dancing around it, Nathan and Melanie drop the subject. But he's kind of delicate, if we all remember, so he's now in pain because he just whacked his arm on the bed. Melanie thinks he should put ice on it and he just wants sleep. But she insists she's getting him some ice, and then he can sleep. He calls her bossy, and I was half expecting him to make some half-conscious comment about her being a nagging wife. Because, you know, he's in love with her and everything, and sleepy Nathan doesn't have to have self-restraint or pretend he likes Stephanie. Anyway, Melanie's about to get Nathan an ice pack, but Maggie's right at the door and finds Melanie being alone with Nathan a quite compromising situation. Maggie wonders if it's a good idea for Melanie and Nathan to be working together so much, and Melanie watches a sleeping Nathan and insists that it's all good.

Later, Maggie brings Melanie good news that Dr. Harrison is at the hospital, so Nathan doesn't have to work his shift anymore. Melanie excitedly rushes off to tell him the good news, which leaves Maggie a little baffled. And as she walks in, Nathan is having a dream about kissing Melanie and telling her that he loves her. Ooooh, how awkward.

Brady realizes that Vivian's plan is for Maggie, and he's taunting Vivian about how much everyone loves Maggie and that she's just jealous. He's striking quite the nerve with her, and she calls him a sanctimonious drunk while telling him to STFU. OMG, Vivian if you get into a physical altercation with Brady and he "accidentally" falls and hits his head against something hard (like this beautiful sarcophagus you already have out and ready for somebody to be buried alive), I would laugh and laugh if you just stash his body in there. Vivian and Brady continue to insult each other. He keeps repeating the word "stupid" and now Vivian's like, maybe you're right... And "you could just be talking about yourself." AND I SHIT YOU NOT, she grabs one of the urns in the tomb and I think she's planning on whacking him over the head with it. Not going to lie, I'm looking forward to this. I hope it pans out.

Carly is suddenly at Maggie's now, and Sierra walks into the kitchen again, greeting her very formally and precociously like the demon child she is. Okay. Bo is confused at her behavior, and she explains that Victor told her to be nice to Carly. I think Carly looks upset, but she's always so damn calm that I can't be sure. Bo continues to feel guilty about the situation with Sierra and Hope, and Carly continues to be ridiculously understanding. Bo is proud of himself for properly using a toaster. He wonders if Hope received Sierra's letter today, because maybe it will give Hope a little...boost. How long did it take for the writers to figure out a word to use instead of "hope?

Poor Gus! After being traumatized by Vivian, he's leaving town, but he calls Maggie to warn her about Vivian's crazy schemes. But the line is breaking up, and Maggie can't hear him very clearly. So, she barely hears anything except for his final words of warning.

AAAAND OMGGG GG ojiji VVIVIIIAANAN. HIT. BRADY. OvER THE HEAD. OMG. PERFECTION. I'm dying. He's lamenting over her moving his dead mother, and then she hits him and says that pretty soon, he'll join her! L M A O. I CANNOT. YOU GUYS. I CAN'TTTTT.

I shot a Dimera in Reno, and am now conflicted about watching him die.

Hey, let's pretend I haven't missed a few weeks of recaps! Just roll with this one, ok? If you have any questions about how we got from point A to point B, or why I hate Stephanie so much, or discussing the merits of Soap Opera Hair, feel free to comment or Formspring it.

-----

Stefano thinks Samanther shot Elvis. Whoever did this is going to DIE. IN PAIN. AND ALONE! Stefano walks in on Daniel talking to Lexie about technical terms and shit. IDK. EJ has a bunch of wires stuck to his head. It amuses me that Daniel calls Stefano "Mr. Dimera." Stefano doesn't care about brain functions and patterns. When is EJ going to wake up!? Lexie and stefano cry about Elvis together. Stefano thinks himself a tough enough bitch that Lexie can get back to her work and not watch over him.

Stefano talks to a comatose EJ at his bedside about fatherhood, and he calls EJ his favorite son. Poor Chad. None of his fathers love him. Anyway, Stefano laughs and cries and talks about love and his beautiful grandchildren. TEARS ARE STREAMING DOWN THE SIDES OF STEFANO'S FACE. Now Stefano wishes he could just trade places with EJ. If this were Passions, he totally would be able to do this.

Daniel and Sami talk about EJ's condition, and she wants him to tell her what the right thing to do is if she has to decide if he lives or not. Or something like that. IDK Sami, you shot him. The right thing to do would have been not to trust him in the first place. Daniel gives Sami a bit of definitive Jonas wisdom: there's no answer! Hahahaahaha. Sami doesn't want to decide EJ's fate, and Rafe wonders if it would just be easier to let him die. This would be a perfect time for Stefano to walk up and overhear. I love Rafe, but come on, shit would be funny.

Stefano tries to stop Sami from going into EJ's room, and Lexie reminds him that he can't stop her. Rafe tells Stefano that he's probably to blame for EJ getting shot, and that whoever did it probably got the wrong Dimera. He wishes that whoever did it would have wiped out the WHOLE DIMERA CLAN. Raaaafe, noooo. Why you gotta say stuff like this? Johnny and Sydney didn't do anything! Tony's tumble off the rickety pier steps was bad enough. But what about Lexie? You would want the FIRST LADY OF SALEM to be assassinated? I blame this on your engagement to Sami. I don't like you today.

Lexie breaks up the argument, and tells both of them to stop before Rafe can look like a bigger jerk. IDK, this is why you shouldn't try to marry Sami unless you're Lucas. ANYWAY, LISTEN TO LEXIE CARVER! Oh, as all this is going on, Kate and Abe walk in. You guys. YOU. GUYS. ABE IS HERE. And Lexie is glad. I am too.

Sami is a hot mess while watching EJ be comatose, and she cries, "What have I done?" and at that moment, EJ opens his eyes. Dun dun dun. Sami starts screaming for Lexie like a mad woman.

Melanie is amused by Vivian's jealousy of Maggie, and makes suggestive faces. She's worried about Vivian hovering around her, and would rather Viv stays out of her way. Maggie talks about her trip and is in a rush to book it, and Melanie realizes it's because of Victor. Of course, Maggie will deny this. So there's that. Melanie thinks something totally happened between them, and now she's pouting and being generally childish. Which I don't mind, but it reminds me why it bothers me that she's married and talks about babies all the time.

Chloe, in such kind words, tells Vivian to get out because apparently she's so fascinated by her friendship with Carly she wants to sit right with them at the pub. Um, Vivian. It's Thursday, you're wearing your crazy hat. YOU CAN'T SIT HERE! Vivian, before leaving, not-so-subtly hints at Chloe's failed attempt to kill Carly. Chloe does what she does best, and stares with widening eyes. She says she has something to tell Carly, but is she actually going to tell?

Carly's hair looks super light. They decide that they're alone enough to talk at the pier, where no one could walk in on them or overhear them at all...because you know, that kind of stuff just doesn't happen on the pier. Chloe reminds Carly of the way Vivian manipulated her, while dancing around the subject, because really. How do you tell the one person who's had your back that you tried to murder her. Fucking LOL.

Chloe finally gets the courage to say, "I sort of tried to kill you." "You tried to kill me?! Like actual murder?!" Chloe cries about how ashamed she is, and Carly somehow speaks with her calmly asking how she was going to kill her. PUT IT TOGETHER, CARLY! YOU WERE THERE! Chloe explains how Vivian approached her and how the elevator that went crashing down taking Chloe with it was meant for Carly.

Vivian comes home to find Philip waiting for her and she's just so happy until Philip yells at her to stay away from Melanie. Vivian says that her main project now is Isabella, and Philip is wondering what the hell she's doing with his dead sister. She tells him about the sarcophagus, and he flips the eff out. "You can't fix a marriage made in hell by moving dead bodies around!" Oh, this phrase is so applicable to so many life situations. IDK why it's one of the more obscure proverbs. Victor arrives in time to hear Philip shouting at his bride, and she assures Philip that she has his best interests at heart. Philip tells Vivian she has no heart, and aww, she actually runs out crying. I sort of feel bad for her, but she is crazy and I like crazy Vivian not sad Vivian.

Meanwhile, in the lamest version of Crazyland ever, Ian is able to determine that it definitely wasn't Philip who changed the results, and Stephanie now assumes Chloe changed the results because other than Philip, she had the most to lose. But we know Chloe isn't smart enough. Neither is Stephanie. She thinks Chloe could have gotten a friend to do it, like she did herself. Stephanie calls Ian the best friend in the world, and we already knew that her whole world revolves around Nathan so obviously she has no other friends. Anyway, while trying to figure out the situation, she calls Chloe a slut. Stephanie is like the most sexist female on this show.

Philip asks Victor why he's still married to Vivian, because there could be someone out there that he really loves and could make him really happy. Aww, Philip, you're so cute.

After pouting about Maggie leaving, Melanie visits Daniel at his apartment to tell him about the baby shower she and Carly are throwing for Chloe. If he's good, he might just be invited! After the stressful day he's had with the Dimeradramallama, the fact that Melanie, Chloe and Carly are all getting along is like the greatest thing ever for him. Maggie drops by to give Daniel and Chloe a baby present, and Melanie cries more about how much she's bummed that she's leaving and she's going to miss her.

I assume that Melanie left at some point, maybe I missed it. But now Daniel and Maggie are talking alone. Did Daniel, like, minor in Psychiatry? He's now discussing Maggie's travel plans and basically about to drop some Jonas wisdom on her. He doesn't think it would be as comforting (re: Mickey) as she says it will be. She reminds us that Daniel sort of understands what she's going through because his wife died and all. Anyway, Daniel suspect there's another reason Maggie's in such a rush to get away.

LMAO, Nathan comes home to find Ian with Stephanie. AGAIN. LMAO. I love how rude he is to him. Maybe Chloe was on to something about Nathan. (Oh, man, I can't believe I missed the recap where she YELLED AT HIM FOR INSULTING HER, threatened to toss his ass into a river and called him a pompous idiot. That was my favorite Chloe scene ever.) None of this is important, because Nathan's hair is extra deliberately-messy-looking today. Therefore that's all that matters.

In a stray scene that is really random in the context of the rest of the episode, Victor super seriously says that disobeying him is very dangerous. So, he ORDERS Sierra to have fun today. Okay, that was cute. I love funny Victor.

Back at Salem U, Sami is in disbelief and rambling loudly about EJ OPENING HIS EYES, and she can't believe this happened he was lying there and he just opened his eyes and I can't believe this is happening. LOL. Anyway, Stefano makes sure to take the time to accuse her of not wanting EJ to wake up, which she vehemently denies. Lexie walks out of EJ's room, and everyone wonders if he's awake, while she looks distressed.

Tomorrow in Salem

Carly won't let Vivian get away with it (I'm guessing attempted murder is what she means) this time. Will knows what Sami did. And Rafe is gonna make Elvis Inigo Montoya Jr. pay for what you did to Sami.

Wouldn't it save time (and a little shoe leather) if Salem just hosted a star-studded telethon?

I wasn't going to do a recap of yesterday's episode, but as I was watching this morning (come on, with the promise of Rafe/Nicole, I couldn't RESIST), I thought "Why not?!" It's not scored, but there's Abe flail and the obvious Rafe/Nicole freak-out. Today's recap (Thursday, I mean.) will be posted after airing today.

***

Nicole's pat-down gone awry ends up with Nicole in Rafe's lap. She wants to hang around there for a moment or two, and that's fine with him. AND OMFG THEY KISS AND MY WORLD MAKES SENSE. OMG ARIANNA, YOU COCKBLOCKERRRRRR. She starts yelling at Rafe and wonders how Nicole gets men to just fall into her arms. Nicole replies, "Technically, I fell into his arms..." Ari thinks this is all about Sami, and Nicole so astutely points out that Sami's not there. (Sidenote: apparently it's the middle of the day here, too. OMG DAYS, get your short-term timeline together.) Ari thinks that he wants to get caught by Sami to make her jealous and admit she loves him. Rafe tells her it's none of her business, and Ari decides she needs a drink. Seriously. Get one, Ari. I know you hate Nicole and have good reason to, but this is the greatest thing in my life right now and I can't have you ruining it! Nicole asks if Ari was right about Rafe's intentions, and he tries to make Nicole feel better while his sister looks on in disgust. He says he and Nicole were thrown out like trash by their respective lovers. Nicole calls Rafe the PERFECT GUY. fdjojdjfdjoijoijfdoi. DEAD DEAD DEAD. Nicole doesn't know what to believe, and Rafe thinks she's been drinking too much. And they leave together. MY GHOST IS DYING.

Hope wants justice done, and Bo says, YES! Justice will be served. Julie continues to blame Bo for the destruction of Hope's life because apparently, Hope was never a relatively independent, capable woman, so how DARE Bo abandon her when she MOVES OUT OF THE HOUSE. Julie is going to drive me to Hope's crazy pills, I just know it. Meanwhile, Adrienne and Justin talk at the pub about Hope, which somehow segues into what they once were [Adrienne, just send him far, far away, please?]. Before it starts, ABE CARVER PRESIDENT OF SALEM (SHOW SOME RESPECT) walks into the courtroom for Hope's hearing. Justin too, but no1curr about him. With the addition of character witnesses, the prosecution wants to withdraw the original deal for a 10-year sentence and get her the full 30-year penalty for her crimes. Oh, also Arianna walks into the courtroom around this time.

In all randomness, Brady visits his mother's tomb, and it's actually kind of sad.

Sami and EJ kiss their way toward a bedroom, WHILE SON WATCHES THEM. EWWWWW. After getting caught almost FORNICATING in front of her son, Sami picks up Johnny's penguin toy and thinks of Rafe. LOLLLLL. That has to be a boner-killer for Elvis. Sami continues to kiss EJ to forget about Rafe, and EJ says they don't have to sleep together yet. Sami wants to ~wait until their wedding night to have sex (again), and EJ is apparently all for it. Oh EJ how you've grown, I remark in a flat tone.

Justin gives his testimony about Hope's character~ and doesn't believe she should go free, but thinks Salem needs her to get treatment. In the words of Abe fucking Carver, Hope is truly one of Salem's finest. He believes he'll be victim again if his friend is buried by the system. Arianna doesn't want the system to treat Hope differently than it would treat her. Hope has to pay for her crimes! Just before the judge makes her decision, the defense calls Bo to the stand. Bo says he's just as responsible as Hope for her crimes. Then he proceeds to blame the crazy pills. Hope is sentenced to two years with visitation rights, so she can see her daughter and get psychiatric help. Hope seems to be relieved about a way lighter sentence than her original deal, even though she was so stubborn about making sure she's fairly punished. Bo apologizes for not doing more, but now Julie thinks he saved the day. Take off your crazy person wig, woman. Make up your mind!

Everyone hugs Hope after the trial, INCLUDING ABE CARVER. LUCKY BITCH. Bo gives Hope a speech that's probably about being there for her and stuff. But IDK, because I'm kind of done with this storyline, since it's sort of kind of resolved. Now let's just get to the part where the show has to pretend Bo and Carly are together still, so we can resolve THAT too.

Sami goes to the pub looking for Caroline, but spots Brady drinking. Oh, I'm sure this will be just...lovely. She asks about Brady's beer and Brady asks about her engagement ring. The most mature adult step-sibling discussion ever, you guys. Brady is "celebrating" being done with Nicole and tells Sami that she is not so different than the woman. Sami's addiction isn't LIES like Nicole, it is EJ DIMERA! Sami thinks Brady is worse than her grandma and dad put together, and he LIKES them, so he thinks it's good company to be in. He tells Sami that when he left town a few years ago, she was a spoiled-rotten brat (Sami: "Pot, meet Kettle!"), but he came back and she was all new and improved after meeting RAAAAFE, and she screwed it up. Brady tells her to have a beer on him, because she's gonna need it marrying into the Dimeras. Sami leaves Rafe a message as she's leaving the pub. She runs into Arianna, and asks about her brother's whereabouts. Ari got the firsthand show of Rafecole of Our Lives and THEN got to see Hope practically let off the hook for her crimes. So I"m guessing she's a little bitter right now when she tells Sami that he's probably at Nicole's place RIGHT NOW. Sami takes this the wrong way, obviously, because she thinks Rafe is arresting Nicole and she HAS to see this. Sami, you are so juvenile, lol. Arresting her for WHAT, exactly?

Rafe gets Nicole to her apartment, and kisses her as they stumble to her door. She asks Rafe what he wants, and he says he USED to know and talks about Sami and Sydney. Nicole invites Rafe inside. Nicole pours drinks for herself and Rafe. "You know what's weird?" "That I'm still standing?" They talk about Sydney, and she's trying to let her go since she can't be part of her life anymore. He ignores a call from Sami, and Nicole thinks it's work, so she wonders if he's supposed to do that. FBI guys need a break too. Nicole is smart, even when drunk. She knows there's something going on here that she doesn't know. Rafe calls her uncomplicated (HA!), but gives her credit for not pretending like she doesn't lie. Rafe says he's always felt a little spark ~there with Nicole (if only...). She asks if he ~likes her, and he says, "WHY NOT!" She says he's going to have to prove he's not lying by getting naked. Nicole senses Rafe's hesitation, and maybe he doesn't want her as bad as she thinks he does. He tells her to think again, and proceeds to strip for her. OMG LOL.

A nun walks into a bar...

Ugh, I meant to score this, but my battery is dying. So here's a long wordy (only sort-of edited) recap. Apparently, my posting of these recaps on school days depends on if I can catch it Hulu and/or youtube. IDK, we'll just wing it I guess.

But, to be honest, if I did score this, I think one story would have sent us over the roof in points. You'll know which one I mean.

***

Philip and Chloe hug it out bitch at the pier. I like Philip and Chloe as friends, whatever. That's all I have to say. Nathan walks by, and apologizes for interrupting whatever is going on. Aww, how considerate! He says he meant to call Philip, and they talk about their hospital brosiness for a little bit before he leaves. Chloe freaks out because Nathan KNOWS about her, and she thought he might have figured it out. Aww, come on Chloe. Nathan, though very adorable, is almost as dense as Daniel. And Philip knows Nathan would run straight to Melanie if he knew.

A Doctor walks into a bar and asks one-night stand/baby mama/old friend etc. for her opinion on the bracelet he wants to give to Chloe to wear to the opera for her birthday tomorrow. He says it's their first public birthday together. LOLLLL REMEMBER WHEN CHLOE WAS CHEATING ON LUCAS, SO DANIEL AND CHLOE WERE SUPPOSED TO BE A SECRET. haahahaha, I'm mean. He's also excited that he gets to tell people he's pregnant soon. (Oh, Chloe's the one who's pregnant.) Carly gets all uncomfortable, but blames her mood on how much she's been working. Daniel tells her he and Mel are worried about her, since she blames herself for the Bo and Hope debacle. Aww, Daniel and Carly are sweet though. He mentions the baby more, making Carly uncomfortable again. Daniel notices something is up, and then she leaves suddenly.

Stephanie, preventing Melanie from finding out why she's REALLY on the computer at St. Mary's, lies about checking up on Daniel's patient for PR purposes. Crazycakes is totally subtle in hoping that Melanie gets the job at this hospital that is across the town from Nathan. She pulls a psychotic fake-nice act that is cracking me up and freaking Melanie out. As Little Red skips off, Crazy continues to peruse hospital records, but when she comes across Chloe's file, access is denied. She seems surprised. Really? Because a PR person should really be given access to paternity test results, Stephanie. She thinks REALLY hard about what she can do, because if Chloe blows up Philip and Melanie, it'll blow up Nathan and her, and her life depends on it. AND OMG SHE HAS AN IDEA!

Sami and E.J. make out in the SUPER SECRET LIVING ROOM at the Dimera mansion, and so what a shock when Stefano walks in on this. Will walks into the room and tries to hold back his vom as Sami's going on about the wedding. "YOU SHOULDN'T BE WEARIN' WHITE AND HE CAN'T AFFORD NO RAAAAANG." Will points out that Sami's had about 29309 weddings, and for some reason thinks she can have a traditional one. Will is obviously my voice on the show, and see that is so WRONG (and then factor in WHOM she's marrying!). Sami acts indignant while Will tells her things she needs to hear, and she wonders why Will wasn't so mean when she was with Rafe. Will tells her, just as he sees Elvis walk into the foyer, that Rafe was different because THAT could have worked. LOL, sneaky bitch. I love Will. He's awesome. EJ hugs Sami as Will leaves the house. LOLLLL okay, Samanther. You say marrying him is what's best for your kids, but she is so going to lose~ Will over it. Bitch, please. Anyway, when E.J. asks if she's okay, she says Will was a "walk in the park" compared to her grandma and dad.

Meanwhile, at the pub, Caroline is complaining about Hope's lack of lawyer when Roman gets a call from Sami saying she has something to tell him. He knows something's up because when she calls him "daddy" (no dirty joke, PLEASE), she's either totaled the car or gotten a D in Spanish. When she replies "Si, si senor," he calls her Samantha Jean. LOLLL. IDK it was actually kind of cute. She tells him she'll see him at the Pub.

Sami and E.J. show up at the pub, but LOL, Caroline doesn't want E.J. present when Sami tells them her news. Oh, Caroline Bluth, you have bigger problems! Sami breaks the news of her engagement, trying to assure them that she's happy. Roman believes that she really has lost her mind. EJ says he understands why they'd be upset, and Roman reminds him that they both have clear memories. Come on, E.J. If somebody raped Sydney, you know you would KILL that guy. So yeah. You're kind of lucky Roman hasn't shot you yet, today. He makes this whole speech about how he loves Sami and respects her and hopes Sydney will learn from them setting such a good example. GAG. Okay. The Bradys aren't buying it, of course, and now Sami refuses to talk to Roman alone, because she WANTS everybody's approval, but if they don't give it to her, then she'll just cut them off. Oh my god.

Ew, at the Kiriakis mansion, Brady is like...ravishing Nicole. He makes me uncomfortable now. Assaulting a woman after sex does that to a guy. And you know what? I just ate, so excuse me while I phone in the recap of their scenes. After they pant and undress each, Nicole wants to take this somewhere a little more private. What? The common areas of the mansion where crazy people live? Not private enough? Crazy Viv can walk in, at any time, on her husband's ex-wife and her husband's grandson ~fornicating. It's a moot point, though, when Brady freaks out decides everything going on here is WRONG. (Seriously, Brady. You forgot the production crew, cameras and cheesy music. GET IT? Because Nicole used to be in PORN!) "What is wrong with you, we were about to make love!" So tender, Nikki. Brady compares sex with Nicole to a drug, and then goes into asshole mode. He basically says he told her he loved her, only to use her for sex, and he doesn't care about her. Brady is DONE with her! Asshole. Please die now.

Rafe is sick of playing by the rules, so he calls a secret person who's surprised he has his number. Rafe tells his phone friend that there's more where that came from. I get the feeling this is a 900 number. Rafe needs help to woo Nicole. He waits at the beach for this mysterious other person and OH MY GOD, LOL. It's Victor. Um, odd scene pairing plus the "beach" setting? EXTRA POINTS. Rafe tells Victor that he has proof that Nicole has something on E.J, and Vic wonders why he should care. Victor thinks they have different ideas about what E.J. "has coming to him." Rafe wants him to lose Sami, whereas Victor wants him to lose an appendage or two. Victor calls E.J. a putz when Rafe tells him what he knows. I love funny Victor. Since Rafe can't use the evidence he stole from Nicole, he needs Victor's help in getting her to tell on Elvis. Victor gives Rafe advice in hopes that he can separate her from Brady, and says he'll owe Rafe a big one. He can pay for their wedding okay. The advice is basically, "she acts tough, but she has a weak spot." Rafe needs to know Nicole's weakness, and Victor reminds him that Nicole was a PORN STAR. OMG PRAISE KANYESUS, THEY'RE ACTUALLY BRINGING THIS UP. MY DAY IS MADE, I AM DYING. THIS IS THE GREATEST THING EVER IN THE HISTORY OF "AOOL." I LOVE PORNSTAR NICOLE. Anyway, Rafe wants Victor to tell him something he didn't already know, and Victor tells him about Nicole's dad forcing her into porn and that she is a broken little girl, just looking for her knight in shining armor. SO HE TELLS RAFE TO MAKE A MOVE. OMG GG-gdsgjfoifdojjdso I CAN'T. YOU GUYS. YOU GUYYYYYYYYS. He needs to convince Nicole that he can help her, and she'll give Rafe what she wants. OMG I AM SHAKING AND CRYING.

Philip drops off Melanie at the free clinic so she could complete her hours there, and he is NOT impressed, even though it's a FREE clinic that was just opened. He, too, is really hoping she gets the job at St. Mary's. He and Stephanie are m2b. Apparently Sister Anne missed her appointment with Melanie. Random. Anyway, Philly doesn't want to leave her alone in a ~dangerous neighborhood. AWW. He's presh when he's not cheating on his wife. She mocks him for freaking out in the ghetto. Salem's ghetto is probably just the one street that has a broken street light. That and the pier. She assures him that she's perfectly fine, and that she's working with another doctor, so of course it's Nathan! Philip is clearly very comfortable with them working together on a more regular basis. They'll flirt over flu shots and figure out that they're dating/married to crazy people. So, naturally, Philip acts more awkward. He and Nathan trade territorial banter before Nathan remembers that Melanie is actually in the room. Melanie is uncomfortable.

Chloe meets Daniel at the bar, and he thinks blue looks great on her. It is orange's complimentary color. Duh, Daniel. He lets her open ONE of her gifts (that she just saw him hiding) on the day before her birthday, so of course it's a box that says "baby" on it. Dan's all sentimental about his first present for his child, and I'm loling at Chloe's paaaaiiin. She' tries to convince Dan she's happy before she excuses herself to the ladies' room. Aaaand, in walks Sister Anne. I've heard this joke before. A nun and a doctor walk into a bar... Anyway. She explains to Daniel why she missed her appointment with Melanie, and let me tell you, it's a soap storyline all on its own! There's a 15-year-old pregnant girl in labor and a drunken mother! He invites Sister Anne to meet his fiance. Uh-oh, uh-oh, uh-oh oh no no.

Carly is at bar again, but it looks like she forgot something. She sees Chloe at the bathroom freaking out, and turns to see Dan and Anne (lolrhyme) sitting together. Oh, Chloe. You were always worried that CARLY was the hussy who'd steal your man, you didn't even THINK about the nun. iCarly walks over to Danne (OTP), and she explains that she came back for her sunglasses. Sister Anne excuses herself before she even got to meet Daniel's fiance. Carly sees the humor in a nun at a bar. Daniel gets a phone call and has an emergency he has to tend to, so he asks Carly to check on Chloe. She calls Chloe to tell her that the coast is clear, but they need to talk before they go home. They talk on the pier and Carly says everything's okay for now, and her test results will be in first thing in the morning. (LOL, happy birthday, Chloe! Your first present is a paternity test result!) Which Daniel of course overhears as he arrives at the pier.

LOLLLL WHAT IS THIS GUY AT STEPHANIE'S DOOR. "Ian" is all geekery, oversized clothes and long stringy hair, and she's very excited that he's there. Apparently, they're old friends? Stephanie inquires about Ian's computer skills, and he reminds her that in college, he hacked into the school computer mainfraime to say that she filled her PE requirement. LOL, Stephanie was always a corrupt bitch. A little Walking For Fitness never hurt anyone, woman! She flirts with Ian a little to get him to agree to help her before she tells him what she needs, because he totally wants to get in her pants. He implies that if she's asking him for something big, her relationship status is important Stephanie tells Ian that she needs him to access paternity test results. He is confused, because she shouldn't need help getting her own results (LOL), and she tells them they're not her's. Before he asks why she would need somebody else's results, he decides he's better off not knowing. She continually reminds him of these mysterious times she helped him in college. They smile and flirt, and if I stare at them long enough, they kind of look alike.

Will finds Stefano at the mansion, and they have a moment. Stefano confronts Will about his doubts about Sami's engagement, saying he was just as uneasy at first. He says Will is part of the reason he changed his mind, and that he's proud of him. OMG they're adorable. He believes in the power of FAMILY! Will gets emotional because this is the closest he's had to a parental figure actually paying attention to him in, like, his whole life. Later, E.J. announces that the Bradys were unsurprisingly not happy when Sami told them about the engagement, and Stefano tells him not to look so smug. He tells him to be careful, because Rafe or Sami may find out about what Elvis did. Jr. tells Stefano not to say that in the house, and Stefano sees Sami at the door looking pisssssed. Ugh, what now?

Back at the free clinic, a dirty-looking dude tells Melanie he needs something (like, omg, you mean DRUGS?!). She says they only do check-ups and stuff, and he grabs her and has her in a choke hold type thing and calls her a bitch. OMGGGG NATHAN WHERE ARE YOU. SAVE MY BB MELANIEEEEE. Also, Philip may have had a point about how dangerous it is there, I guess.

Philip is drinking alone at the pub, and Brady walks in. Aww, Brady, don't make me tune out of a Philip scene. You ruin everything! Brady doesn't understand why it's not acceptable to drink before five. Brian at the pub is socially irresponsible and serves Brady drinks. Philip is confused that Brady's drinking, and Brady says the booze isn't the problem and he's swearing off everything that is.

Nicole shows up at the bar again, looking sad. She curses E.J. and cries, because what she knows was supposed to put her in charge, and instead, it ruined everything good in her life. Cut to Rafe just outside of the bar. OMFGGGG YOU GUYS. Rafe sees her crying inside, and reminds himself that Victor said to strike when she's vulnerable.

Previews

Chloe thinks Daniel should know the truth, which is obviously not going to be THE truth. Hope is in regular clothes, sans bumpit, in what looks to be the courthouse and announces that she's going to prison. Nicole throws a drink in Rafe's face and says, "No." Aaah, courtship.

Do you believe in life after Hope?

So, yesterday, everybody was in shock and disbelief about Hope being behind the muggings. Today, everybody has a secret and none of them can keep it. I combined yesterday's and today's recaps. Also, no score because I'm kind of in a rush. Feel free to mentally assign any arbitrary number you wish.

Previously in Salem

Since I didn't post yesterday's recap, I'll just do a bit of it so we're up to speed:

-----

Maggie and Nathan are talking in her kitchen. She has to take care of Chez Rouge business, and leaves the room momentarily. Melanie gets home, Nathan is there. They talk about Hope and hug. Maggie comes back and Melanie leaves her and Nathan alone, and she asks about what's going on between him and the young redhead. Blah blah blah, she's married, blah blah. They have a grandma date at the pub, and Caroline greets Maggie with coldness. Nathan asks what that's about, and Maggie explains her friendship with Victor and how she was at the hospital after Bo's attack when everyone failed to tell Caroline. Nathan sasses at her about lecturing him about Melanie when she's BFFLs with Victor.

Just as Crazycakes Stephanie leaves the bar after telling her Aunt Adrienne that she was worried over nothing when she found Nathan's picture of him and Melanie, she has to drop off hospital papers at Maggie's. Of course, she gets there to see Mel and Nathan embracing through the window, and stands there watching and freaking out like a creeper. She goes back to Adrienne to tell her about it, and then discusses Philip's weird behavior because she KNOWS he's up to something and she doesn't want him to ruin his relationship with Mel and, by extension, her relationship with Nathan.

Philip and Chloe meet at the pier to discuss her paternity test. AND CRAZYCAKES FINDS THEM THERE. She acts super-psychotic and questions Chloe's stress levels. She then proceeds to break into Chloe's apartment and tries to hack into her computer, since she now knows those two are keeping secrets. Daniel and Chloe are just outside their door, so Stephanie has to hide.

Sami and Rafe continue their locker room encounter, but he decides it's a mistake. That doesn't stop him from kissing her again. He reveals that he knows E.J. and Sami are engaged, and Sami's like WHAT. DID HE TELL YOU. Blah blah blah, she wants him to stop her from marrying Elvis, and he's like umm...that's your responsibility not mine. (To be fair, I also thought Melanie shouldn't have married Philip if she wanted Nathan to stop it. But she did come to the realization that she chose Philip on her own, and not by some force or made up obligation to any kids. So...yeah. Sami is a whole lot worse in my eyes right now. The sad thing is that I actually like Sami, but right now she's unbearable to me.)

Later, back at the mansion, Sami yells at E.J. for telling Rafe. But he didn't, so Sami assumes Stefano did. WAT. With everyone always saying everything out loud, someone's bound to hear. Elvis points out that if they're getting married, PEOPLE ARE GOING TO FIND OUT!!! Sami just wants time to get used to being engaged to Elvis. I hope they get married in Vegas by an Elvis impersonator. He sweet talks Sami a little bit, and I tuned out, but apparently they're on.

Rafe shows up to the bar after his rough day, and tells the bartender to keep the beers coming. OMG NICOLE SHOWS UP, TOO. "Buy a girl a drink?" OMG, they are going to drink their sorrows away together and fall madly in love and get married and ride off on a horse! Rafe teases Nicole about Brady, and she calls Rafe a straight-shooter. He tells the bartender to get the lady whatever she wants, and she marvels at being called a lady for the first time in forever. Nicole has a pretty drink, and she wants wants to toast to the future. "May it not suck as much as the present." Are they in love yet? I think they are.

Also items of noteworthy value to me:
Adrienne tells Caroline about her crazy granddaughter. Caroline is just like, JFC this girl. And I'm even more convinced that she needs to become a more Lucille Bluth-like character. She calls Stephanie while she's snooping around Chloe's things, and the girl snaps at Caroline. LOL, bitch.

Melanie sits with Chloe at the pub, but she's telling Chloe about her day with Daniel at St. Mary's and Chloe freaks out and leaves. Once Chloe is out the door, Melanie says, "You better start telling people you're pregnant, or else they're just going to think you're a biiiitch." OMG MELANIE. I LOVE YOU. MARRY ME. That is my new favorite line.

...There was also some Justin stuff, but I really don't care. He's stupid. Blah. And nothing really pivotal tbh.

-----

Thank at-god it's friday.

Stephanie hides as Daniel and Chloe arrive at their apartment that she broke into. She listens to them be gross for a little bit, but once Daniel is out of the picture Chloe calls Philip. Meanwhile, Philip and Melanie are walking around the house in minimal clothing talking about ... IDK. I think she may have mentioned Brady's problems. While Melanie gets dressed, Philip answers Chloe's call about needing to see him once Melanie leaves. Which, of course, Stephanie overhears. Philip shows up at Chloe's, and as they discuss their problems, Stephanie is still in the closet. Chloe tells Philip more about how they mixed up her name at the hospital, but they still have her phone number for the results, and how the baby might be Philip's. All this while Stephanie eavesdrops, biting her nails and practically crying. I think she can hear her life shattering into pieces.

She escapes from her closet once Philip and Chloe have left, and now OMG Stephanie is pacing around Chloe's apartment freaking out about everything she just found out. And now she's on the phone trying to find out if she can use her hospital clearance to try to access St. Mary's records. OMG they're really pulling a Sami with her. She is SO going to change the results.

Sami asks E.J. when he wants to get married, and he wants to get married now! He doesn't think they need a big wedding, or something extravagant. He thinks they can get married by the end of the week. Sami disagrees. She wants to set the date TOGETHER. And suggests E.J. should sit. She wants to get married at St. Luke's, where they had Grace's funeral and he threatened to take Johnny away from her...so it's poetic? Yikes. She wants the perfect wedding, and she's had a million of them. I'll come back with an actual count.

Stefano and Kate walk in and E.J. tells them the good news in person, and Kate chokes on her own disgust. Stefano offers his condolences, and Sami's like COME ON, STEFFY. So he shakes hands with her. Kate scoffs at them as Sami jokes that she has to sing for them at the wedding. Stefano is talking about the toast he and Kate have to give Elvis and Samantha. I think Stefano is really amused by this unholy union, because now they're breaking out the champs to drink to the engagement. Kate's toast: "May they get everything they deserve in life." L M A O. Stefano suggests Sami utilize Kate's event planning experience. "Please do." Stefano and E.J. confer about their secrets.

Brady is drinking and walking around shirtless, and Victor's like THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING. He refers to Nicole as his crazy ex-wife while asking what Nicole did to drive Brady to drinking. He calls her a she-monster, shapeshifter etc. Yes, she is magical. He calls her a gold-digging slut, and Brady tells him not to call her that. "Oh my god, you're still in love with her!" LOL Victor. Your grandson is dumb.

Rafe and Nicole talk about Brady. She goes on about how she didn't BREAK him and Arianna up, but Brady just realized he and Nicole are meant to be. Or something like that. But it wasn't her fault. Or something like that. I'm probably skipping stuff here, but at some point she says that he's too much of a ~man to discuss his feelings with her. And he says he's too much of a man to discuss his feelings with the woman who made Sami miserable. She says stuff about him being in love with Samanther, and then asks when was the last time he was truly happy. Words words words. Then she asks why he said he was at the bar celebrating. He's happy about his sister Arianna being free after Hope's confession to the muggings. Nicole says Hope let a lot of people off the hook, and he wonders who. (LOL, minor speedbump in their relationship. She set up his sister. Whatever. They'll get past it.)

Rafe gets a call from Tim saying he has the message Nicole sent Fay put together. He asks if Tim's listened to it yet, but Tim thinks Rafe should be the first one to hear. Rafe gives Nicole money to pay for the drinks, along with his own bit of wisdom about why her life always goes wrong. She's carrying around the recording of E.J.'s confession to the kidnapping in her purse, by the way. And she's contemplating doing the right thing by turning it in, before she freaks out that she'd get arrested and how everyone will find out what she did, and she'll lose Brady and NO WONDER SHE NEVER DOES THE RIGHT THING, RAFE! And omg, she's saying all of this out loud, of course.

Daniel and Melanie dine together at the pub. And Raawwrr. Daniel just made a cat noise. I don't know what to make of this. Mel calls Stephanie a life-ruiner. And Daniel decides he's gonna sound like a dad now. He wonders if Melanie's problem with her are because of something she did, or if it's because she's with Nathan. Oooh, rare wisdom from Danny Boy. Aww, Melanie loves her picket fence life. Melanie is worried, though, because she thinks working at University Hospital might give people the wrong impression about Daniel and Carly's involvement in her career, and she wants to make a name for herself. She doesn't want Daniel to be upset if St. Mary's offers her a job and she takes it. Having a new baby doesn't change how happy he is to be her dad. Later, outside, Daniel thinks it will be a great day.

Stephanie, luckily for her, gets to St. Mary's at the same time the desk girl leaves, and she gets onto the computer to check for Chloe's results. Unfortunately for her, Melanie shows up at the same time and wonders wtf she's doing there.

Nicole goes to see Brady again, and she "comes clean" about why she has so much money in an illegal account - which means she makes up a lie about her job and corrupt people and being afraid to go to the cops. Brady's dense and buys everything she's telling him, and they seem to make up considering the fact that they end up making out.

Rafe listens to whatever Nicole sent Fay, which is of course as we know, a recording of EJ talking about kidnapping Sydney. All we hear though, is E.J. saying he can't believe he's doing this, he must be out of his mind! But somehow Rafe puts together the whole story of E.J. kidnapping Sydney, and Nicole finding out/blackmailing him. Good boy. He also acknowledges Nicole is smart and figures out that she has the other part of the recording that is the proof he needs. OMG wat is this split screen thing going on. Rafe in one corner, Nicole and brady making out in another, and Sami and EJ on the other side. L M A O.

You need to watch the way you talking to me, yo

I was going to score this episode, but it's already super late and I don't want to deal with calculators tonight. I know, I know. You're judging me hard.



Anyway, if you want to give me a ballpark idea of how you'd score it, feel free! Maybe I'll trade estimates.

Today in Salem, Bo insists on leaving the hospital, and Carly yells at him. This is the most bf/gf-y they've acted in a long time.

Hope cries about Sierra almost losing her daddy, and justin hugs her. "We're going to find who did this!" LMAO, yeah okay Justin. Just like you found out who mugged you after Sierra told you who has your wallet. ...Oh, wait.

Our favorite Dick reads the headline about Bo's attack. He flashes back to his lady love (lol, this still creeps me out w/e) yelling at him about how not under control this is and for calling the cops. Back in present time, Dick says that she hates him and is certifiably nuts, so why can't he get her out of her mind? I love the people who want them together. Right on, you little weirdos! You're awesome.

Elvis is on the phone with Nicole, and she wants money in exchanges for her silence. Nicole snarks at him, like the adorable drunk she is. E.J. makes his best angry face and refuses to play butler to her every whim for the rest of her life! But he has no problem being Sami's. Oh, I see.

Rafe figures out that the code from Nicole's diary points to different locations. "It's all over, E.J. Thanks to Nicole, I gotcha." See, there's a guy who knows how to give credit to Nicole where credit is due!

Bald, black guy whose name I don't know inquires about Rafe's code-deciphering skills. Rafe says that they're addresses for banks all over the country, and a bus station in Salem - she has a locker, and clearly she's blackmailing E.J. And you all thought he wouldn't figure this out! Take two points away from yourselves if you didn't think he could! Now he can find out what Nicole knows and destroy bbDimera.

BBG: "And then what?" Rafe thinks we'll just have to see from there. That's right, bro. Don't get your hopes up higher than Hope's bumpit, because Sami... really. Even Lucas and Austin couldn't lock that shit down. Speak of the Brady, Sami shows up at Rafe's office with babby Johnny Dimera in tow.

E.J. continues his phone sex (oh, she's not running a 900 number?)call with Nicole, and tries to sound strategic by telling her not to overplay a good hand. There's innuendo in that somewhere, right? He thinks he can ruin things for her and Brady. (With what proof, Elvis? Really, I'd like to know.)

"If you pull the trigger, so will I!" Nicole thinks he doesn't mean metaphorically. No, Nicole. You know what he'll do: get blood all over your clothes and PRETEND you're dead. That's what he did with Sydney, non? Well, whatever. He's threatening to kill her, blah blah blah.

LOL, Carly's LITERALLY blocking Bo's way out the door and not letting him leave his hospital room. That's what I like about her. She's substantially able to do so. If Hope tried that shit, she'd better hold on to the door frame tight, because a gust of wind (indoors...idk) would blow her out of Beauregard's way.

Bo wants to find out who attacked him, and Carly wants him to stay safe inside his airtight, soundproof cellar vault thingy under the Dimera mansion hospital room. Victor walks in. I'll give this element positive GOE if he insults Carly. Extra if I think it sounds sexist, aaaaand GO: "Hell has frozen over! Carly and I actually agree on something!" ...hmmm, backhanded compliment. I'll take it! I love Bo's annoyance.

Justin to Hope: "I WANT you to lean on me." OMG. Stop throwing yourself at her. Even Dick has more of a chance with Hope. And I mean, I know Nighttime Hope kissed Justin, but she seemed more genuinely touched by Dick's feelings for her (LMAO, I still laugh. I'm 12.)

Rafe is kind of adorable because Johnny wanted to take a picture of the fingerprint machine for Show and Tell, and Rafe looks genuinely happy. And he jokes that Johnny could just take the 40 pound machine with him, because LOOK AT THOSE GUNS!

Maggie and Brady have a heart-to-heart because she is every addict's sponsor in Salem. Whatever Dick drugged him with however long ago is still affecting his body apparently, because his body thinks he relapsed. But she also wants to talk about Nicole, and really? Not to sound cheesy, because I don't mean it in a sweet way, but Brady is SO addicted to Nicole. Even more so than I am.

LMAO, Nicole shows up at the mansion, and he's like IT'S ABOUT TIME, DID YOU STOP FOR A DRINK ON THE WAY. While Nicole is a sloppier drunk than usual, I'm clappy hands at such casual references to her drunkenness.

Carly leaves Victor alone with Bo, and THERE IT IS! Victor tries to see if there's any possible way somebody's just trying to get back at Carly for killing Lawrence. (LOL, no1 currr, Victor. Except for Vivian.) Bo is NOT having this, okay. He won't let Victor blame Carly, but Victor does state that whoever attacked Bo will be sorry they were ever born. Oooh, chills.

Daytime Hope is crying and flailing her arms around, so I think she's sad about Bo's attack. Justin stop rubbing her. This is creepy. He wants to give her whatever she ~needs. Ew.

LMAO, Hope wants space and Justin thought she wanted the opposite. She looks at him like he's completely deluded. I laugh and laugh. He goes on about their kiss, and she is completely clueless.

Brady doesn't understand what Nicole has to do with his sobriety, and he demonstrates his confusion with his signature hand gestures.

Maggie tells him we all know Nicole will do anything to get him, and he looks confused as she tells him he's "too smart to bite, right?"

"Again, buh-rilliant deduction, you are a constant revelation EJ." Elvis thinks he has as much power over Nic as she does over him. Um, EJ YOU HAVE NO PROOF!

She reminds him of that very fact, and she says he HAS to pay her. He tells her he'll give her a one-time payoff, and if those tapes ever surface, he'll kill her. "You're such a buzzkill, EJ. You know that?!" LMAO I LOVE HER.

Rafe and Sami have an awkward moment, and he insists that he has to get back to work. "You don't have two minutes for a friend?" LOL Sami. A friend? Really. He says he's doing all this for her, and she weakly asks "for me?" NO, SAMI. Rafe's never tried to do anything for you ever! Don't look so shocked.

Nicole hears Sydney crying, which upsets her. Sympathy points. She misses Sydney, and really, I think it's a sad scene without being overdramatic. I'm not even snarking right now.

"What are you doing besides throwing me out of your office?" Geez, Samanther. So petty.

Rafe scoffs at her, and she thinks he's sending mixed signals about wanting to be part of her kids' lives and shit. I'm sure he'll explainy in a few seconds. He raises his voice a few decibles to tell her that he loves her kids, but E.J. doesn't want him around them. You can't have it both ways, Sami! You have to make a choice! This is the same thing Carrie told you a month ago, Sami!

LMAO SAMI STORMS OUT. YES, REALLY SAMANTHA! Listen to Rafe repeat Carrie's advice and PICK ONE. I mean, Carrie DID get the man, so she should know what she's talking about right. (I still think she took the wrong guy with her, but whatever. Not the point. Carrie and Mike forever, though. Sorry, Austin. I do hope you and Carrie are quite happy.)

Hahahahaaaa, Hope thinks Justin's talking about their kiss months ago when they were sneaking around in Vivian's room looking for incriminating evidence and shit, and staged a kiss when Vivian caught them so that she wouldn't REALLY know what they were doing in her room. There's that history lesson I really didn't want to relive.

And now she's telling him, she might never be able to move on from Bo. OUCH. I'm laughing so hard right now.

Carly gets Bo home, and he patronizes her a bit about it not being so difficult to let him go home. She was patronizing first, so this is a relationship of equals. He doesn't want to wait for anyone to find his attacker, so he's trying to solve the mystery himself. Detective Bo at least knows that the attack happened in the house, and whatever happened, happened.... AND HE DOESN'T FINISH THE SENTENCE. OH THE SUSPENSE.

Brady tells Maggie that he actually believes Nicole is trying to be a better person. She shakes her head. She's not a cynic, she's just skeptical. Totally. Brady gets a phone call that he has to take. He says he'll tell "this person" he'll call them back. "Yeah, that person." Maggie, you clever lady. You know the only person calling Brady is Nicky.

Johnny wants to wear his jacket in the house, and Sami tells him no, it's too hot. Johnny now thinks it's hot and he wants a popsicle. Sami refuses. ROOOOOD. JUST SO YOU KNOW, I AM NOT AN ADVOCATE OF DENYING ANYONE OF POPSICLES. (E.J. was about to let him have one, just so you know.)

E.J. takes Sami's side because he's whipped. If Sami says no, she means no. Johnny says she always says no, and calls her mean. OMG, is he acting out because he misses Rafe?

Hope shows up outside Bo's house, while he and Carly are inside. Bo sees a picture of him and Hope with Alice, and suddenly has a pain in his head.

Carly wants to try some relaxation techniques to get rid of the headache and maybe help him remember, just as Hope walks into the house unannounced. LOL.

Nicole senses Brady's tension, and lets him off the phone. Maggie snarks at Brady a little bit about Nicole, and he wants to drop the subject. Which prompts her to yell at him and throw advice at him! What a firecracker of a lady.

Her advice does not sound like advice, she's just telling him about the aspects of his recent behavior that she finds worrisome. Maggie, I don't think the word "advice" means what you think it means.

There's a knock at the door, and she tells him to hold that thought! "It was yourrrr thought..." OH, BRADY, YOU SASSED AT MAGGIE. OH MY GOD, I'M SO PROUD OF YOU RN. All you need is cantaloupes and you can be a believable Joan.

I love how Maggie is warning Brady about Nicole, but she's so friendly with Victor - you know, who has always been the kindest, most warmhearted human being ever and all. I love you Maggie, and I enjoy Victor/Maggie, BUT REALLY? LOL.

Victor tells her that Bo has been released from the hospital and was about to make a pass at the fiery redhead, but he notices his grandson lurking about and how uncool is it trying to work your game with your GRANDSON watching.

NIC AND DICK. NIC AND DICK! Nicole feigns sadness at the news of him leaving town, but she knows he needs her to give him money to leave. She doesn't think giving him money will get rid of him for good. He thinks she could make her life miserable, but she threatens his life and tells him to "keep lying low, or he'll be lying underground!" NICOLE HAS AMAZING LINES TODAY OKAY. Dickole for life, y'all.

E.J. pays the kid to apologize for calling Sami mean. Well, we don't have proof that he did, but I think he did. Sami thinks so too, because she doesn't think her kid actually would apologize to her. She and E.J. remark at what wonderful parents they are. Okay, then.

Hope has an awkward moment walking in on Bo and Carly's "relaxation exercises" and Carly invites her to stay to ask questions if he remembers anything. OMG, A THREESOME!!!!! ...oh, Hope is too much of prude to partake.

Brady leaves because he doesn't want to see his grandpa macking on his addiction sponsor. Victor realizes he probably should have left instead of Brady, and Maggie agrees. LOL, smoooooth. Maggie's worried about him, and Victor talks about what an influence she is on Brady. She think she blew it with the Nicole talk.

LAMO, Nicole checks her savings account for EJ's payoff. She cheers in excitement over being rich, but we all know she's just checking Twitter and she's really freaking out because Kanye West is finally on twitter, and it is amazing.

Bo tells his wife not to be a prude, and that it's just "relaxing" to get rid of his headache. She should stay and help! She agrees to, and apparently this is not a threesome. Carly is doing some posture and breathing exercises. If Marlena Evans were still in Salem, she'd be hypnotizing him and shit. Damn, are these exercises why Carly is usually so calm? Because she is usually waaay too nice and understanding and shit, and I was wondering how she does it.

She tells Bo to think of a pleasurable memory, and snap, it's of him and Hope sailing on the Fancy Face.

Victor thinks it's impossible for Maggie to do wrong, and she thinks he puts her on a pedestal. "That's where you belong!" Damn, boy. That's a line. She is not having it, though, and she tells him he belongs at home with his lovely wife (Crazy Vivian, if you've forgotten!)

Brady sees Dick at the pier, and that's not a gun and he's not happy to see him.

Rafe checks the bus station locker, but it's empty. "One step ahead of me, but not for long! I'm gonna get you." Meaning, he wants her for herself, yes? Come on, he has to admire Nicole's prowess here. She's skilled! Is he not a little turned on.

Sami is shocked that E.J. is complimenting her. Girl, where have you been? She notes that she doesn't have her life together - omg, we agree. She is apparently upset that Johnny is sassing back at her, and he (OMG WAT EVEN LOL) wanted to talk to the judge to tell him that he loves his daddy more than his mommy. E.J. exclaims that he said the exact opposite to him. That kid is sneaky and manipulative. He takes after his parents.

They talk about the downfalls of joint custody, and E.J. brings up marriage. Sami freaks out, as she should. Because OMG WHAT EVEN, ELVIS? Ew.

She asks Bo where he is (in his memories and all), and he tells her that he's on the Fancy Face with Hope. Ouch. She seems a little hurt that the pain is gone because of Hope. Aww, I know she never should have gotten into the whole Bo thing so soon after Hope, but I actually feel bad for her in the sense that she never really deluded herself about him. Yet, she's still here. When are they freeing up Daniel? (I'm guessing another six months or so, ugh.) She then fast-forwards him to last night (which was, like, years ago to us) and asks what he remembers. AAAAAND, we cut to previews. Ugh, cockblockers.

Tomorrow in Salem

In the previews, Brady tells Nicole that Dick has to go down. And I giggle at the 16-year-old boy humor I have going on. Sami asks if E.J. is proposing, and oh god please no. And Carly asks Bo what he remembers, and the sight of this furry, wide-eyed man is comical.

I was going to throw up rewritten Elvis lyrics here, but eh lazy.

Stefano says Katharine is obsessed with Maddie's death. Kate feels bad for Chad and Stefano thinks it's tragic, but they barely know him and Maddie dying removes the threat.

Chad wants to talk to Mrs. Dimera. His facial hair is making him look older. And dirtier. I'm waiting for him to angst so much that he ends up driving off on a motorcycle.

Hernandez family meeting.

Chloe shows up at Maggie's. Melanie leaves Philip and Chloe alone to "talk" about the fight she and Daniel had.

Chloe would have come clean if it weren't for her protecting Philip? Oh writers, I don't believe that's the case. Excuse me if I'm a little suspicious.

Kate thinks Chad is an innocent young man, and Stefano doesn't feel any compassion for Chad, therefore CLEARLY he is Chad's father. Right? I toyed with the idea of him being Tony's, but IDK IDK. I'm sure he's Stefano's babby.

OOH, Stefano just talked of obliterating enemies. Is Kate too soft to be a Dimera?

The Hernandez kids are going to talk about EJ.

Brady stalks Nicole and shows up at her place. With a plant. If this were Veronica Mars, I'd be convinced there's a bug. Nicole offers Brady a soda, but I don't know where she's going to get it. I think she just walked into the bathroom, but who knows. Salem room and board is dubious.

Remember a few weeks ago when Philip almost came clean with Melanie, and Chloe shrieked and convinced him not to do it? The roles are reversed now, and I'm close to hanging myself because I'm pretty sure all these conversations are interchangeable, because they're ALL THE SAME.

While I eat lunch, Chad confronts Kate asking about his mother. Stefano seems to be giving Will a job. Brady tries to read Nicole's diary.

Ari explains her attachment to E.J. to Rafael. While he was away, Elvis was the only one who stood by her the whole time, blah blah blah. She thinks he's complicated and trying to do better, and Rafe admits that maybe she's right. Oh, Rafe. All your womens are flocking to Elvis.

Brady wants to "help" Nicole find a nicer living situation, but Nicole is adamant about being independent. Good for her. Brady, stop looking for situations where you have to save her lol.

Chloe compliments Daniel on being a good dad to Melanie, and she thinks Melanie is great. Clappy hands for Chloe!

Kate wants Chad to remember that Maddie loved him and wanted the best. Chad: "BUT STILL!" Kate tells him that worrying about her past in his grief is beside the point.

Oh, I better get my obligatory "Poor Chad! :'(" in here somewhere.

Brady pries into Nicole's business a little bit, the usual. They make a lunch date instead.

Arianna leaves, and she's glad that they could talk. "Benefit of the doubt? AS IF!" LOL RAFE.

Daniel buys Mel earrings for graduating nursing school (already?!) and Melanie tries to talk about him and Chloe some more.

Kate thinks Chad has a lot of courage, and Chad wants to have these kinds of talks with Kate now. So Stefano is grooming Will and Kate is taking Chad under her majestic blue-streaked Adam Lambert wing (LOL Lauren Koslow is legend). Let's get this rivalry-turned-friendship-turned-romance-(if only in my head)-turned-rivalry-turned-epic-love-story moving!!! I hope at some point Chad gets a motorcycle and a leather jacket. Will can get some fancy car from Stefano. Or an airplane.

He's about to leave and opens the door. Stefano is shocked to see him. If he were anyone BUT Stefano, he'd be doing an awkward nervous laugh.

Philip sits on a bench at what could either be the pier or the park, they're pretty much the same anyway. He imagines what would happen if he tells Melanie the truth. "YOU HAVE TO UNDERSTAND! I THOUGHT YOU WERE IN LOVE WITH NATHAN!" "YOU RUINED MY LIFE! YOU RUINED MY DAD'S LIFE!" "MELANIE I LOVE YOU!" "WE'RE DONE! *SLAAAAP!*" LMAO, I LOVE THIS SHOW.

AAAHAHAHA. Carly schedules Chloe's paternity test across town at St. Mary's for tomorrow and WHAT DO YOU KNOW, Daniel is asked to do a skingraft surgery tomorrow across town AT ST. MARY'S! OH, AND HE INVITES MELANIE ALONG TO OBSERVE!!! It's a Jonas family outing. How quaint.

Rafe apparently has found something on Nicole. I'd bet it's not exactly what we know.

No Carver family, no Hope's pjs.