It's a love story, baby just say yes? (Oh god, please don't.)

Today, Sami is *thisclose* to becoming a Taylor Swift song. Hope's behavior is confusing. And the Carvers remind us what it's like to be American. Enjoy!

(-2) Brady meets nicole at the pub and Brady tells her he saw Baker. Nicole tries to convince him that he's crazy. Brady wants to get him. LOL at his constant need to be the hero.

(+8) Abe Carver and Theo are at the station, but are getting ready to go watch a baseball game! They are an all-American family. Truly iconic.

(+7) Stefano arrives at the station, and sees the First Family together. He tells Abe all about his good behavior, and how he didn't fight the police when they called him down to the station. He is ridiculously cute with Theo and gives him a vocabulary lesson. Alibi means that "No-no has done nothing wrong!" OMG I want to be Stefano's grandkid. Except without the crime and stuff. Or with the crime, whatever. I just don't want to go the way of Tony, you know?

(-3) Sami goes rejects Elvis's somewhat-proposal that popped up out of nowhere. EJ points out that they're all living under the same roof as ~family. They keep talking about how kids want their parents to be together and Johnny's acting out, and blah, blah, blah this is a disastuh.

(-3) EJ's hair is trying to be Philip. No wonder he shaved it. He's telling Sami that "If I ask you to marry me, you will know." Ugh, where's the Stoli. I need to start drinking during these scenes.

(+2) Speaking of drinking, Vivian comes home and sees Victor tossing back a few. She asks about Bo, and Victor snaps at her saying it could have been her doing, for all he knows. See, Victor is suffering a case of cockblock and the cold sting of redheaded rejection and he's taking it out on the old ball and chain.

(+3) Carly asks what Bo remembers. He smelled gasoline. He's all wide-eyed and confused looking. He's staring at Hope in a daze. This is so amusing, because I don't actually know the difference in awareness levels between this semi-conscious Bo and normal Bo.

(-6) EJ pretty much tells Samantha that he's GOING to propose sometime. And he's telling her exactly what he'll do when he proposes, and Sami's trying to make her eyes glisten as much as Theresita Arianna. Gurrrrl, you can try all you want. Nobody has Lindsay Hartley beat in that area.

(+3) Vivian tells Victor if she were going to murder someone, she'd be much more efficient! Victor says that he knows it wasn't Vivian that he knows it wasn't her, because he keeps tabs on her at all times. She's touched by this, but we know he doesn't mean it affectionately. Points for Vivian, because she basically said "I'd do a much better job at murder than whoever THIS amateur~ is!"

(+10) "I always know where you are. SO I CAN AVOID YOU!" "BULLFEATHERS!!!!" "You haven't spoken the truth since Jimmy Carter was in the white house!" "Don't bring love into this, I'm going to lose my lunch." The base score for Victor's one-liners goes WAY up when done in combination. OMFG this is amazing. That's like a Quad-Quad-Quad-Quad.

(+2) Carly is trying to get Bo to remember what happened when he was attacked. He says he saw Sierra. SIERRA ATTACKED HIM! OMFG. No, he just remembered talking to Sierra last night. I would love to see Sierra pouring gasoline all over the place. She already looks like a demon child.

(-4) Hope! Bo and Sierra were talking about Hope. Hope looks like she's panicking, which makes no sense because Daytime Hope doesn't know what she did.

(+4) Sami, thankfully for my sanity, is glad he's not proposing because they're not ready. THEY'RE NOT EVEN ACTUALLY TOGETHER. WHAT THE FUCK.

(+2) Elvis's eyes are wide. He is either angry or thirsty. IDK, but I'm really amused at how clearly unhappy he is that Sami doesn't want to marry him.

(+6) BRADY SAYS NICOLE IS "SHAKING LIKE A LEAF." SHE GETS A MILLION PAULA ABDUL POINTS. I need to find the conversion rate from Paula points to Abe points. Anyway, he's bringing up all the shit that Nicole did, like the baby switch, because Dr. Baker (we all call him Dick, now. Get with the program, Brady) had a large role in all her crimes and he should pay. I took away some points because he wants Dick to go down (giggle), but I remember when he was defending Nicole left and right even though she was just as guilty.

(-4) Another Dickole phone call interrupts Brady and Nic's romantic lunch at THE BRADY PUB. My god, Brady, go woo your woman at some place fancy. Or do something special, have a picnic at the "beach!" Oh wait, that's been done. Go for a nice country drive or something, IDEK.

(-2) Bo's eyes are glistening as Carly asked what happened when he came home. And I guess they're already sorely missing Arianna and she's not even gone yet.

(-4) Hope yells out for Bo and Carly to STOP! I don't understand this. She says it's too much stress for Bo, but it's making her look suspicious and we know that she doesn't know what she's done, so why is she acting so suspicious. UGH. Come on, show. At least make some sense.

(+2) Caroline shows up at Bo's and looks angry. She's wondering wtf they're all doing at the house. Together. I would be confused too, and I'd be really glad that relaxation techniques are not euphemisms.

(+2) Dick tells Nicole about his run-in with Brady. Nicole calls Dick "Jane" and keeps telling him to do what she told him to do. Dickole lives.

(-2) BRADY, DO YOU HAVE TO KNOW EVERYTHING ABOUT NICOLE'S WORK. "Oooh, I don't know a Jane." He's so nosy. Nicole leaves in a hurry, because Brady's being really annoying (and also because she's freaking out and making sure Dick won't ruin her life, I guess).

(-2) After getting fed up with Viv's insults toward Maggie, Victor calls his marriage a business arrangement and nothing more. And Vivian laments. Vivian, not!Ivan adores you. Why do you stick around hoping Victor will stop hating you a little less?

(-2) Caroline bitches out Carly a bit, and then storms out, and I again don't like what they're doing to her character.

(+5) Hope leaves soon after Caroline, saying she has to get Sierra's stuff ready for her camping trip, and Bo makes sure security is on that list. LMAO, that is a strange-ass camping trip.

(+1) Carly refuses to let Bo leave the house, and Bo's like "Bitch, you don't know my life!"

(-1) Sami is moping at the pub, and talks to Caroline. WHEN DID SHE CHANGE CLOTHES? I liked the purple better, tbh.

(+3) Caroline asks what E.J.'s done now, and jokingly asks if he proposed because that would just be CRAZY. I like this Caroline better. Sami stares back at Caroline in shock.

(+3) Stefano practically calls Sami a golddigger, and all she wants to do is live rent-free. LMAO, I am inclined to agree in the sense that Sami really needs to get her own life together and be independent before she runs off and marries some guy. E.J. tells him he wants to marry Samanther, and Stefano is not happy.

(+2) Dick calls Hope, but uh, she's Daytime Hope so this is going to be awkward. YAY FOR WEIRD SORT-OF ONE-SIDED PHONE CONVERSATIONS!

(-1) Brady follows Nicole out the pub, because he's in creepy stalker mode. She admits that she left because of the Dick talk. She doesn't like being reminded of her past - porn, baby-switching and all.

(+2) LMAO, Hope is so confused and Dick keeps talking to her, because he thinks she's playing dumb because someone's with her. He warns her that he's been spotted.

(+1) Caroline asks Sami why she looks so unhappy if E.J. is as great as Sami keeps saying he is. Sami says that she's still in love with RAAAFE! Ugh, it's about time you at least admitted it. Why can't you just go after what you actually want and stop dragging out this shit.

(+7) STEFANO IS CURSING AT E.J. IN ITALIAN. I LOVE HIM.

(-2) E.J. declares that he's going to marry Sami, and Stefano wishes God's mercy on his son's soul. BWAHAHAHAHA. Negative points for E.J., though.

(+1) Carly asks hope to talk to Bo, because she might get through to him. Hope doesn't think he gives a damn, and what the hell, Hope? His happy place is the Fancy Face. You are dumb.

(+3) Bo gets to the station hugs his future son-in-law, Theo (he and Sierra are so destined, we all know this). Abe tells him they're going to the baseball game, and has trouble remembering the name of the triple-A team that's playing. It's the COUGARS! I was hoping that the name "Cougars" would trigger Bo's memory about Hope attacking him tbh. #missedopportunities right there.

(-1) WALLET! TREASURES! SIERRA! Bo somehow manages to put together Theo's string of words, but just barely. It should not be impossible, because they're pretty clear if you ask me. I'm surprised that Bo managed that much, but really dude. Just figure it out, it's totally right in front of your face.

(+4) SERIOUSLY, CAROLINE SAYS THE SMARTEST THING EVER. Why would Sami even think about marrying E.J. if she's in love with someone else? Remember the last time they were "married" because she was forced into it? When she was still in love with LUCAS. OMG, this is making me too bitter. Let's move on.

(-1) Brady wonders why Nicole would freak out over the talk about Dick Baker. Brady is not smart. I mean, even if we didn't know she was freaking out because Baker has a new secret of hers to expose, wouldn't Brady think the memory of everything that Nicole did would upset her? AND HE KEEEEEPS BRINGING IT UP. Da fuq, dude. You have no game at all.

(+2) Hope just wants to find out who tried to kill Bo! And in walks Vivian to point the finger at Carly. LOL bitch is crazy. Hope just raises her eyebrow in what might be annoyance.

(+1) Theo tells Bo about Sierra's "Treasures from mommy!" He means Sierra's mommy, not his own. Lexie isn't into the murder, she's a doctor. And she's past her baby-switching days, I hope. Bo, are you putting this together? Because Theo's doing all your work for you.

Bonus points, deductions

(-10) Because it's totally embarrassing that Theo and Sierra have had the mystery solved forever, and Bo's just now getting around to it AND BARELY, at that.
(-15) E.J.'s hair is going the way of Philip's, but it just doesn't have the same pizazz.
(+20) Abe Carver bonus! No Lexie, but we did get Lexie's father being super adorable with Theo.

That gives us a score of, I THINK, 41 points. There were a lot of high-scoring elements, but the lack of artistry brought down the overall performance.

Abe Rating

2 Happy Abes

As exciting as Abe's American life is, he just wishes the rest of Salem could be as cool as he is. JFC, Salem, get it together. When Abe Carver is your mayor, I don't see how you can be so hung up on lesser issues.

Previews

Sami's confused, E.J. doesn't want to be pushed, and Carly yells! YAY!

You need to watch the way you talking to me, yo

I was going to score this episode, but it's already super late and I don't want to deal with calculators tonight. I know, I know. You're judging me hard.



Anyway, if you want to give me a ballpark idea of how you'd score it, feel free! Maybe I'll trade estimates.

Today in Salem, Bo insists on leaving the hospital, and Carly yells at him. This is the most bf/gf-y they've acted in a long time.

Hope cries about Sierra almost losing her daddy, and justin hugs her. "We're going to find who did this!" LMAO, yeah okay Justin. Just like you found out who mugged you after Sierra told you who has your wallet. ...Oh, wait.

Our favorite Dick reads the headline about Bo's attack. He flashes back to his lady love (lol, this still creeps me out w/e) yelling at him about how not under control this is and for calling the cops. Back in present time, Dick says that she hates him and is certifiably nuts, so why can't he get her out of her mind? I love the people who want them together. Right on, you little weirdos! You're awesome.

Elvis is on the phone with Nicole, and she wants money in exchanges for her silence. Nicole snarks at him, like the adorable drunk she is. E.J. makes his best angry face and refuses to play butler to her every whim for the rest of her life! But he has no problem being Sami's. Oh, I see.

Rafe figures out that the code from Nicole's diary points to different locations. "It's all over, E.J. Thanks to Nicole, I gotcha." See, there's a guy who knows how to give credit to Nicole where credit is due!

Bald, black guy whose name I don't know inquires about Rafe's code-deciphering skills. Rafe says that they're addresses for banks all over the country, and a bus station in Salem - she has a locker, and clearly she's blackmailing E.J. And you all thought he wouldn't figure this out! Take two points away from yourselves if you didn't think he could! Now he can find out what Nicole knows and destroy bbDimera.

BBG: "And then what?" Rafe thinks we'll just have to see from there. That's right, bro. Don't get your hopes up higher than Hope's bumpit, because Sami... really. Even Lucas and Austin couldn't lock that shit down. Speak of the Brady, Sami shows up at Rafe's office with babby Johnny Dimera in tow.

E.J. continues his phone sex (oh, she's not running a 900 number?)call with Nicole, and tries to sound strategic by telling her not to overplay a good hand. There's innuendo in that somewhere, right? He thinks he can ruin things for her and Brady. (With what proof, Elvis? Really, I'd like to know.)

"If you pull the trigger, so will I!" Nicole thinks he doesn't mean metaphorically. No, Nicole. You know what he'll do: get blood all over your clothes and PRETEND you're dead. That's what he did with Sydney, non? Well, whatever. He's threatening to kill her, blah blah blah.

LOL, Carly's LITERALLY blocking Bo's way out the door and not letting him leave his hospital room. That's what I like about her. She's substantially able to do so. If Hope tried that shit, she'd better hold on to the door frame tight, because a gust of wind (indoors...idk) would blow her out of Beauregard's way.

Bo wants to find out who attacked him, and Carly wants him to stay safe inside his airtight, soundproof cellar vault thingy under the Dimera mansion hospital room. Victor walks in. I'll give this element positive GOE if he insults Carly. Extra if I think it sounds sexist, aaaaand GO: "Hell has frozen over! Carly and I actually agree on something!" ...hmmm, backhanded compliment. I'll take it! I love Bo's annoyance.

Justin to Hope: "I WANT you to lean on me." OMG. Stop throwing yourself at her. Even Dick has more of a chance with Hope. And I mean, I know Nighttime Hope kissed Justin, but she seemed more genuinely touched by Dick's feelings for her (LMAO, I still laugh. I'm 12.)

Rafe is kind of adorable because Johnny wanted to take a picture of the fingerprint machine for Show and Tell, and Rafe looks genuinely happy. And he jokes that Johnny could just take the 40 pound machine with him, because LOOK AT THOSE GUNS!

Maggie and Brady have a heart-to-heart because she is every addict's sponsor in Salem. Whatever Dick drugged him with however long ago is still affecting his body apparently, because his body thinks he relapsed. But she also wants to talk about Nicole, and really? Not to sound cheesy, because I don't mean it in a sweet way, but Brady is SO addicted to Nicole. Even more so than I am.

LMAO, Nicole shows up at the mansion, and he's like IT'S ABOUT TIME, DID YOU STOP FOR A DRINK ON THE WAY. While Nicole is a sloppier drunk than usual, I'm clappy hands at such casual references to her drunkenness.

Carly leaves Victor alone with Bo, and THERE IT IS! Victor tries to see if there's any possible way somebody's just trying to get back at Carly for killing Lawrence. (LOL, no1 currr, Victor. Except for Vivian.) Bo is NOT having this, okay. He won't let Victor blame Carly, but Victor does state that whoever attacked Bo will be sorry they were ever born. Oooh, chills.

Daytime Hope is crying and flailing her arms around, so I think she's sad about Bo's attack. Justin stop rubbing her. This is creepy. He wants to give her whatever she ~needs. Ew.

LMAO, Hope wants space and Justin thought she wanted the opposite. She looks at him like he's completely deluded. I laugh and laugh. He goes on about their kiss, and she is completely clueless.

Brady doesn't understand what Nicole has to do with his sobriety, and he demonstrates his confusion with his signature hand gestures.

Maggie tells him we all know Nicole will do anything to get him, and he looks confused as she tells him he's "too smart to bite, right?"

"Again, buh-rilliant deduction, you are a constant revelation EJ." Elvis thinks he has as much power over Nic as she does over him. Um, EJ YOU HAVE NO PROOF!

She reminds him of that very fact, and she says he HAS to pay her. He tells her he'll give her a one-time payoff, and if those tapes ever surface, he'll kill her. "You're such a buzzkill, EJ. You know that?!" LMAO I LOVE HER.

Rafe and Sami have an awkward moment, and he insists that he has to get back to work. "You don't have two minutes for a friend?" LOL Sami. A friend? Really. He says he's doing all this for her, and she weakly asks "for me?" NO, SAMI. Rafe's never tried to do anything for you ever! Don't look so shocked.

Nicole hears Sydney crying, which upsets her. Sympathy points. She misses Sydney, and really, I think it's a sad scene without being overdramatic. I'm not even snarking right now.

"What are you doing besides throwing me out of your office?" Geez, Samanther. So petty.

Rafe scoffs at her, and she thinks he's sending mixed signals about wanting to be part of her kids' lives and shit. I'm sure he'll explainy in a few seconds. He raises his voice a few decibles to tell her that he loves her kids, but E.J. doesn't want him around them. You can't have it both ways, Sami! You have to make a choice! This is the same thing Carrie told you a month ago, Sami!

LMAO SAMI STORMS OUT. YES, REALLY SAMANTHA! Listen to Rafe repeat Carrie's advice and PICK ONE. I mean, Carrie DID get the man, so she should know what she's talking about right. (I still think she took the wrong guy with her, but whatever. Not the point. Carrie and Mike forever, though. Sorry, Austin. I do hope you and Carrie are quite happy.)

Hahahahaaaa, Hope thinks Justin's talking about their kiss months ago when they were sneaking around in Vivian's room looking for incriminating evidence and shit, and staged a kiss when Vivian caught them so that she wouldn't REALLY know what they were doing in her room. There's that history lesson I really didn't want to relive.

And now she's telling him, she might never be able to move on from Bo. OUCH. I'm laughing so hard right now.

Carly gets Bo home, and he patronizes her a bit about it not being so difficult to let him go home. She was patronizing first, so this is a relationship of equals. He doesn't want to wait for anyone to find his attacker, so he's trying to solve the mystery himself. Detective Bo at least knows that the attack happened in the house, and whatever happened, happened.... AND HE DOESN'T FINISH THE SENTENCE. OH THE SUSPENSE.

Brady tells Maggie that he actually believes Nicole is trying to be a better person. She shakes her head. She's not a cynic, she's just skeptical. Totally. Brady gets a phone call that he has to take. He says he'll tell "this person" he'll call them back. "Yeah, that person." Maggie, you clever lady. You know the only person calling Brady is Nicky.

Johnny wants to wear his jacket in the house, and Sami tells him no, it's too hot. Johnny now thinks it's hot and he wants a popsicle. Sami refuses. ROOOOOD. JUST SO YOU KNOW, I AM NOT AN ADVOCATE OF DENYING ANYONE OF POPSICLES. (E.J. was about to let him have one, just so you know.)

E.J. takes Sami's side because he's whipped. If Sami says no, she means no. Johnny says she always says no, and calls her mean. OMG, is he acting out because he misses Rafe?

Hope shows up outside Bo's house, while he and Carly are inside. Bo sees a picture of him and Hope with Alice, and suddenly has a pain in his head.

Carly wants to try some relaxation techniques to get rid of the headache and maybe help him remember, just as Hope walks into the house unannounced. LOL.

Nicole senses Brady's tension, and lets him off the phone. Maggie snarks at Brady a little bit about Nicole, and he wants to drop the subject. Which prompts her to yell at him and throw advice at him! What a firecracker of a lady.

Her advice does not sound like advice, she's just telling him about the aspects of his recent behavior that she finds worrisome. Maggie, I don't think the word "advice" means what you think it means.

There's a knock at the door, and she tells him to hold that thought! "It was yourrrr thought..." OH, BRADY, YOU SASSED AT MAGGIE. OH MY GOD, I'M SO PROUD OF YOU RN. All you need is cantaloupes and you can be a believable Joan.

I love how Maggie is warning Brady about Nicole, but she's so friendly with Victor - you know, who has always been the kindest, most warmhearted human being ever and all. I love you Maggie, and I enjoy Victor/Maggie, BUT REALLY? LOL.

Victor tells her that Bo has been released from the hospital and was about to make a pass at the fiery redhead, but he notices his grandson lurking about and how uncool is it trying to work your game with your GRANDSON watching.

NIC AND DICK. NIC AND DICK! Nicole feigns sadness at the news of him leaving town, but she knows he needs her to give him money to leave. She doesn't think giving him money will get rid of him for good. He thinks she could make her life miserable, but she threatens his life and tells him to "keep lying low, or he'll be lying underground!" NICOLE HAS AMAZING LINES TODAY OKAY. Dickole for life, y'all.

E.J. pays the kid to apologize for calling Sami mean. Well, we don't have proof that he did, but I think he did. Sami thinks so too, because she doesn't think her kid actually would apologize to her. She and E.J. remark at what wonderful parents they are. Okay, then.

Hope has an awkward moment walking in on Bo and Carly's "relaxation exercises" and Carly invites her to stay to ask questions if he remembers anything. OMG, A THREESOME!!!!! ...oh, Hope is too much of prude to partake.

Brady leaves because he doesn't want to see his grandpa macking on his addiction sponsor. Victor realizes he probably should have left instead of Brady, and Maggie agrees. LOL, smoooooth. Maggie's worried about him, and Victor talks about what an influence she is on Brady. She think she blew it with the Nicole talk.

LAMO, Nicole checks her savings account for EJ's payoff. She cheers in excitement over being rich, but we all know she's just checking Twitter and she's really freaking out because Kanye West is finally on twitter, and it is amazing.

Bo tells his wife not to be a prude, and that it's just "relaxing" to get rid of his headache. She should stay and help! She agrees to, and apparently this is not a threesome. Carly is doing some posture and breathing exercises. If Marlena Evans were still in Salem, she'd be hypnotizing him and shit. Damn, are these exercises why Carly is usually so calm? Because she is usually waaay too nice and understanding and shit, and I was wondering how she does it.

She tells Bo to think of a pleasurable memory, and snap, it's of him and Hope sailing on the Fancy Face.

Victor thinks it's impossible for Maggie to do wrong, and she thinks he puts her on a pedestal. "That's where you belong!" Damn, boy. That's a line. She is not having it, though, and she tells him he belongs at home with his lovely wife (Crazy Vivian, if you've forgotten!)

Brady sees Dick at the pier, and that's not a gun and he's not happy to see him.

Rafe checks the bus station locker, but it's empty. "One step ahead of me, but not for long! I'm gonna get you." Meaning, he wants her for herself, yes? Come on, he has to admire Nicole's prowess here. She's skilled! Is he not a little turned on.

Sami is shocked that E.J. is complimenting her. Girl, where have you been? She notes that she doesn't have her life together - omg, we agree. She is apparently upset that Johnny is sassing back at her, and he (OMG WAT EVEN LOL) wanted to talk to the judge to tell him that he loves his daddy more than his mommy. E.J. exclaims that he said the exact opposite to him. That kid is sneaky and manipulative. He takes after his parents.

They talk about the downfalls of joint custody, and E.J. brings up marriage. Sami freaks out, as she should. Because OMG WHAT EVEN, ELVIS? Ew.

She asks Bo where he is (in his memories and all), and he tells her that he's on the Fancy Face with Hope. Ouch. She seems a little hurt that the pain is gone because of Hope. Aww, I know she never should have gotten into the whole Bo thing so soon after Hope, but I actually feel bad for her in the sense that she never really deluded herself about him. Yet, she's still here. When are they freeing up Daniel? (I'm guessing another six months or so, ugh.) She then fast-forwards him to last night (which was, like, years ago to us) and asks what he remembers. AAAAAND, we cut to previews. Ugh, cockblockers.

Tomorrow in Salem

In the previews, Brady tells Nicole that Dick has to go down. And I giggle at the 16-year-old boy humor I have going on. Sami asks if E.J. is proposing, and oh god please no. And Carly asks Bo what he remembers, and the sight of this furry, wide-eyed man is comical.

Do you think EJ's new hair do will turn into a faux-Fox-try-to-keep-Kay-by-pretending-to-die-of-cancer storyline. If so, do you think such a lame plotline on Passions would actually seem exciting on Days?

Oh my god, I can't even. While I would believe James did that to himself, I wouldn't be shocked at all if E.J. pulled that kind of stunt with Sami.

I don't think I can objectively watch a similar plotline on Days because the Fox one made me rage so much at how horrible it was. But... I must say, if Days tried it, I think I'd find E.J. ridiculously and unintentionally funny in the role.

Ask me anything

I was going to throw up rewritten Elvis lyrics here, but eh lazy.

Stefano says Katharine is obsessed with Maddie's death. Kate feels bad for Chad and Stefano thinks it's tragic, but they barely know him and Maddie dying removes the threat.

Chad wants to talk to Mrs. Dimera. His facial hair is making him look older. And dirtier. I'm waiting for him to angst so much that he ends up driving off on a motorcycle.

Hernandez family meeting.

Chloe shows up at Maggie's. Melanie leaves Philip and Chloe alone to "talk" about the fight she and Daniel had.

Chloe would have come clean if it weren't for her protecting Philip? Oh writers, I don't believe that's the case. Excuse me if I'm a little suspicious.

Kate thinks Chad is an innocent young man, and Stefano doesn't feel any compassion for Chad, therefore CLEARLY he is Chad's father. Right? I toyed with the idea of him being Tony's, but IDK IDK. I'm sure he's Stefano's babby.

OOH, Stefano just talked of obliterating enemies. Is Kate too soft to be a Dimera?

The Hernandez kids are going to talk about EJ.

Brady stalks Nicole and shows up at her place. With a plant. If this were Veronica Mars, I'd be convinced there's a bug. Nicole offers Brady a soda, but I don't know where she's going to get it. I think she just walked into the bathroom, but who knows. Salem room and board is dubious.

Remember a few weeks ago when Philip almost came clean with Melanie, and Chloe shrieked and convinced him not to do it? The roles are reversed now, and I'm close to hanging myself because I'm pretty sure all these conversations are interchangeable, because they're ALL THE SAME.

While I eat lunch, Chad confronts Kate asking about his mother. Stefano seems to be giving Will a job. Brady tries to read Nicole's diary.

Ari explains her attachment to E.J. to Rafael. While he was away, Elvis was the only one who stood by her the whole time, blah blah blah. She thinks he's complicated and trying to do better, and Rafe admits that maybe she's right. Oh, Rafe. All your womens are flocking to Elvis.

Brady wants to "help" Nicole find a nicer living situation, but Nicole is adamant about being independent. Good for her. Brady, stop looking for situations where you have to save her lol.

Chloe compliments Daniel on being a good dad to Melanie, and she thinks Melanie is great. Clappy hands for Chloe!

Kate wants Chad to remember that Maddie loved him and wanted the best. Chad: "BUT STILL!" Kate tells him that worrying about her past in his grief is beside the point.

Oh, I better get my obligatory "Poor Chad! :'(" in here somewhere.

Brady pries into Nicole's business a little bit, the usual. They make a lunch date instead.

Arianna leaves, and she's glad that they could talk. "Benefit of the doubt? AS IF!" LOL RAFE.

Daniel buys Mel earrings for graduating nursing school (already?!) and Melanie tries to talk about him and Chloe some more.

Kate thinks Chad has a lot of courage, and Chad wants to have these kinds of talks with Kate now. So Stefano is grooming Will and Kate is taking Chad under her majestic blue-streaked Adam Lambert wing (LOL Lauren Koslow is legend). Let's get this rivalry-turned-friendship-turned-romance-(if only in my head)-turned-rivalry-turned-epic-love-story moving!!! I hope at some point Chad gets a motorcycle and a leather jacket. Will can get some fancy car from Stefano. Or an airplane.

He's about to leave and opens the door. Stefano is shocked to see him. If he were anyone BUT Stefano, he'd be doing an awkward nervous laugh.

Philip sits on a bench at what could either be the pier or the park, they're pretty much the same anyway. He imagines what would happen if he tells Melanie the truth. "YOU HAVE TO UNDERSTAND! I THOUGHT YOU WERE IN LOVE WITH NATHAN!" "YOU RUINED MY LIFE! YOU RUINED MY DAD'S LIFE!" "MELANIE I LOVE YOU!" "WE'RE DONE! *SLAAAAP!*" LMAO, I LOVE THIS SHOW.

AAAHAHAHA. Carly schedules Chloe's paternity test across town at St. Mary's for tomorrow and WHAT DO YOU KNOW, Daniel is asked to do a skingraft surgery tomorrow across town AT ST. MARY'S! OH, AND HE INVITES MELANIE ALONG TO OBSERVE!!! It's a Jonas family outing. How quaint.

Rafe apparently has found something on Nicole. I'd bet it's not exactly what we know.

No Carver family, no Hope's pjs.

no1 curr, but...

Since I won't be home this afternoon, I will probably not be posting a normal recap today. If I do post one at all, it will probably be just my quick, raw notes I write during the show. Or I'll hold off until way late tonight and post something a little more substantial.

If you find yourself sorely missing my commentary, feel free to spam my brand new (probably useless, but let's pretend it's not) Formspring with questions about Days Of Our Lives. Or Passions, because that's fun, too. I'll answer anything, unless I really don't know the answer.

http://www.formspring.me/abesofourlives

Kris Allen is sorry for the inconvenience his tour is causing.

Out, damned spot! out, I say!

OMG, the teaser scenes look so promising already. I have a feeling today is a high-scoring kind of day.

(-3) Bo is awake, and surprise, surprise. He doesn't remember anything.

(+4) MELANIE! She's so pretty and adorable. LOL, I don't even care that I flail over ridiculous things, like Melanie being cute as usual. Anyway, she's getting off the phone with Philip when Nathan is at the door. Haha, juxtaposed moments in Melanie's life.

(-2) This turns into an awkward Nathan/Melanie scene, where he tells her he's moving in with Stephanie. She doesn't give him shit for it, but right now he seems upset that she doesn't care. I can't help it that I ship them okay. I just wish they would move this story along. As sad as I'll be when Philip's secret comes out because I don't want Philip and Melanie to go away, I still love Nathan/Melanie and really wish they would just move this whole love quadrangle along faster if that's what the show is actually leaning towards.

(+3) Anyway, she is kind of surprised, but she shrugs it off, saying that it'll be nice that if Stephanie wakes up vomming or has welts or something like that, at least there's a doctor right there! Nathan seems amused by her lovely imagery. I am too, because LMAO at gross Stephanie.

(+5) The return of Hope's terrible pajamas! YAYAYAYAY. My day is even better now.

(+1) Stefano reads Maddie's obit and he and Kate lament~ He's glad their secret is buried now, but Kate thinks he needs to brush up on his Shakespeare because it can't be over yet. (Is that the one thing Stefano is not brushed up on?) I didn't know how to score this scene, so I'm giving it a +1 because it's kate/stefano and I ship them and Shakespeare.

(+8) WILL AND CHAD! MORE CLAPPY HANDS! Will apologizes to Chad for saying all those things about his mother. Eh, they were true, though. But he feels guilty for his part in Maddie's death, but Chad doesn't blame him.

(-5) I don't like Crazy Jealous Caroline, because I don't see the point of having her bitch out Victor and Maggie all the time. It's kind of a waste of Caroline. I want Caroline Bluth. You know, the version of Caroline I have in my head where she drinks all day and insults her children? I would LOVE that Caroline, if they would write her like that.

(-3) Roman asked Bo if he's awake. Um, Roman. Really? How are you a detective.

(+2) "Don't you ever get killed by your crazy ex-wife again." Well, he doesn't say that exactly, but he does get mad at Bo for getting himself almost killed.

(-2) Justin comes over to tell Hope that Bo is in the Hospital. Hope looks worried. I think Daytime Hope is back. Sadface.

(+8) Melanie refuses to offer to help Nathan with his boxes (AWESOME. "I'd offer to help, but you might say yes..."), while Philip's hair fluffs itself out. He has it tucked behind one ear, Joey Potter style.

(-1) Adrienne brings coffee to Stephanie's place, and they need to have a serious talk. Somehow, this has to do with Patch grilling Adrienne about Stephanie and Nathan.

(+3) Okay, points for you, Adrienne for sarcastically calling Patch a Pillar of virtue in his youth.

(-3) BOO ADRIENNE. Why would you talk Steve out of scaring the shit out of Nathan. That would be the greatest thing to come out of Stephanie and Nathan as a couple. Plus, I'd rather he come back than Kayla. I take your points back.

(+3) Caroline snipes at Victor and Maggie some more, like I figured would happen once Victor and Maggie left for the hospital last week. But she does have a point this time. I don't care what Roman says. Caroline is a tough lady, and she deserves to know if her son is in the freaking hospital. She's not fragile, don't keep stuff like that from her. Plus points because Caroline deserves them here.

(-2) She leaves, and Victor is kind of laughing at her. Okay, I really don't want people to see her as a joke. Even if I keep pushing Caroline as Lucille Bluth.

(+5) Points for Victor's "Dangerous Dame, Maggie Horton" line. I'd watch that movie. (Oh yes, the context is that Maggie now has two old ladies making her out to be the "other woman.")

(-3) Roman is questioning Bo about what he remembers. Roman, you make me sad. You come across Bo covered in gasoline, presumably ready to burn to death, and you didn't think that the perpetrator might still be in the house? Like who leaves their victim covered in gas and just LEAVES. Doesn't it seem like the person was JUST ABOUT to make their move and set Bo on fire before Daniel got there? And I make myself sad for only just now thinking about this.

(-1) Hope walks in to see Carly hugging Bo. I want to see her instantly morph into Nighttime Hope. Like a power ranger. However, she does not. Sad.

(+10) Will and Chad are making googly eyes at each other even if they don't know it. They're back at the pier and Chad's agonizing over how his mom died. Will tells him that her past doesn't change what she became. LOL, I really love how much Chad loves his mother. It cracks me up. But he does wonder what other secrets she's keeping, and he thinks Will's grandmother is the key.

(-2) I love will, but I have to give him obligatory negative points for trying to stop Chad and motherly Kate moments. He doesn't think it's a good idea. If this is out of jealousy, I'll give him extra points next time.

(+15) OMG THE WHOLE CARVER FAMILY. I'M GOING TO DIE. THE FIRST FAMILY OF SALEM HAS ARRIVED. Theo is destined to be prodigy. Probably a doctor boy wonder. Anyway, he says something about Aunt Hope and treasures, and Lexi is confused.

(+2) Nathan brings out a bunch of boxes, and he seems to need help. However, Melanie is gone. He looks sad. We know, Nathan. I'm sure you can carry your box of pillows on your own. (LMAO, okay, as we'll find out later, they were full of books. But I love the idea of Nathan just being too lazy to carry tiny boxes of nothing.)

(+6) "I LOVE BEING RICH!" Melanie exclaims after Philip surprises her at the "beach(!!!!)" with a fancy looking lunch setting.

(+2) She asks the occasion, and apparently, since Philip owns a hospital ward, he managed to get Melanie's grades from nursing school early. Melanie aced all her finals and keeps thinking that Philip bought her grades. And he tells her that's something he can't buy. Aww.

(-1) Daytime Hope asks Bo questions about his attack. So, I'm gathering that the switching between AM/PM Hope was really more that Bo was breaking down Nighttime Hope. Daytime Hope does not seem to have any idea at all that it was her.

(-1) Only one mention of babies from Melanie today. Thank you, writers, for toning that down for today. I'll only subtract one point as a show of gratitude.

(+4) LMAO Nathan gave Stephanie a bracelet last week, so this week Philip gives Melanie a (probably) better and more expensive one. Ugh, they're so cute. I love them. Which makes me sad because....

(-2) ...BAH! WHY DID THEY HAVE TO RUIN THIS SCENE WITH PHILIP AND CHLOE UNAWESOMENESS. Like, I love a good infidelity flashback, but now we're at the point where we're flashing back to their conversations about said

(+1) Carly thinks Hope is trying to pin the attack on her, and Hope's all like, "I'm just getting a timeline, okay." I actually kind of like this, because I wish Carly weren't so understanding. I feel like if she were a little more aggressive, everything would move less slowly.

(+8) Salem's first family: they're just like us! They hang out at the sandy clearing in the trees and try to act like they're not the most majestic family in Salem (I like their humility), and Theo digs up a wallet (LOLWAT???). He then mentions that Aunt Hope's treasures were wallets. He's been hanging out with Creepy Sierra, clearly.

(-2) Justin stop being creepy. Hope gets a phone call while questioning Carly, and as she takes the call, Justin walks up behind her. OMFG, SHE IS A POLICEWOMAN. ON THE PHONE. Why is this any of your business, Justin. He's so lame, I wish he'd go away.

(+2) Stephanie finds a picture of Nathan and Stephanie tucked away in an envelope, as if he was keeping it because it's special. STEPHANIE'S. REACTION. FACE. IS. ABSOLUTELY. PRICELESS. It's the most honest I've seen her.

(-2) Kate talks to herself a bit, while pulling out Chad's birth certificate that she apparently just carries around in her purse, and now we know Charles isn't his real father. I seem to have been on a computer for too long, because I kept trying to make my tv screen scroll down so I can see whose name is on the birth certificate. I'm baffled at Kate just freely whipping out THE ONLY COPY OF CHAD'S BIRTH CERTIFICATE when she has a free moment. lolwat.

(-1) Stefano overhears her talking to herself, and asks what she just said about Chad's father. Of course he overhears her. He's got powers, okay.

(+1) Bo asks Roman for a cheeseburger, and Roman laughs at him as he leaves. Bo calls him useless. Which isn't entirely inaccurate. Bro and bRoman get points for this exchange, though.

(+5) Kate covers up what she was telling herself by telling Stefano about seeing Charles at the Brady Pub drinking so early (the Kate/Charles scene happened earlier, and I forgot to put it in the timeline. Basically, Charles tells her that he got Maddie's safety deposit box and it was curiously empty. Kate is now relaying this to Stefano). Stefano leaves the mansion, but not before a completely adorable moment of him telling Kate that if she's talking to herself, maybe she's a little crazy.

(-3) Kate whips out the birth certificate again, and...okay, his birthdate is apparently March 03, 1990. Making him 20. He's supposed to be JUST out of high school, what even. I wouldn't be surprised if they finally start giving Casey and Molly scenes by next summer. Not that I actually want them to, but you know, I'm guessing all the Molly and Casey fans would love to see Melanie and Chad interact.

(-5) Bo asks Hope if she's going to tell Sierra that he's in the hospital, and she doesn't want Sierra to know that they almost lost Bo. (Which is why PM Hope decided that this was something she should tell Sierra while she was asleep on the couch.) Somehow, Bo is holding Hope's hand just as Carly walks in to see them. Negative points because they practically just did the same scene twice, just with Hope and Carly reversed.

----stuff I forgot to recap, but don't remember where it goes in the timeline.
(-2) The Kate/Charles scene at the pub, but I did mention it in the Kate/Stefano scene. Anyway, Charles still doesn't look too devastated over Maddie. I'm just saying. Kate's condolences are met with Charles telling her she could go to hell, and Kate still tries to be sweet and offers to donate to Maddie's charities. Charles just has this air about him that elicits negative points from me.
(+1) Adrienne runs into Philip at the Brady pub as well, I think they talk about Bo. But she mentions that someone in her building almost called the cops when he snuck in after someone opened the door. She identified him, and told her neighbor that he was just going to Daniel and Chloe's apartment - which Melanie of course overhears, and asks why he was there. He lies and says that it was while Chloe was in the hospital and she asked him to pick up some things for her. Eh, boring. But seeing Philip pick up his lying skills from Chloe is amusing.

(+5) For Philip's hair's Joey Potter tuck.
(+20) The Carver family bonus
(+3) For bringing back the "beach" setting that amuses me so much, and using it twice.
(-4) While they did bring out a lot of the higher scoring elements and gimmicks to make me go all clappy hands, they didn't actually make any storyline progress - except for Theo telling his parents about Hope's wallets, maybe, and Kate confirming that the secret is what we already suspected. Where are your transitions and deep edges?!

LMAO, so today's episode is apparently a 77 point long program. Overscored? Maybe, but IDC IDC. The sketchy beach setting, Melanie, Will/Chad scenes and THE CARVERS win with a quad in my eyes. Subjective sport. So whateva, haters:

Abe Rating

5 Happy Abes

We're easily pleased.