D is for Abe Carver

I was going to do a bit of a different style recap to spice up our Friday a bit, but immediately changed my mind when I saw a certain Mayor of Salem appear. I wanted to see how much he could affect the scoring system. Cynics and 6.0 enthusiasts would just say that I built it especially to benefit him. Well, it's Abe's world and we're all just living in it.

Today is organized a bit differently, though. I broke up the order of the episode to piece together storyline scenes, just to pretend this is a little more coherent.

(+5) Rafe calls Nicole to tell her to meet him at the pier for a huge story. But his voice is disguised and he's using a payphone, so obviously this is just one of their kinky games.
(+6) Nicole shows up at the pier and asks, "Is anyone here?" Only the ghosts of everyone who's died falling down those steps. Meanwhile, Rafe stealths his way into her room and starts rifling through her stuff. THIS is the stuff soap romances should be made of! If only the writers knew they were even WRITING a romance with them. But seriously: luring a girl out of her room to the pier where many have met their unfortunate doom, while you rifle through her underwear drawers? CAN YOU SAY "SWOON!?"
(-3) Rafe finds a picture of Sydney, and we go "AWWWWW." He wants to be a part of her life, but since he can't, he at least wants to keep her away from the D is for Dangerous Dimeras. I find it funny that he and Nicole both love Sydney and can't raise her. It could be a bonding moment. Anyway, he finds a notebooks stashed in one of her drawers and thinks it means something. I'm only doing negative points for this because, RAFAEL YOU'RE WASTING TIME BEING SENTIMENTAL.
(-2) Nicole realizes she just fell for a trap. My guess is that she's going to think EJ's going behind her back. Uh-oh. I hope this doesn't mean she's going to retaliate and drag this out even further. As much as I do enjoy Nicole vs. EJ and I think they're well-matched rivals, I'd rather move on. Maybe they can fight over Rafe's affections.
(+4) She gets back to her room, and Rafe is still in there. She realizes someone was in there because the window was left open (hey, Rafe can't do everything!). OF COURSE, she thinks it's EJ's doing. Escaping through the window? How romantic, Rafael. You and Nicole are a regular Romeo and Juliet. The Claire Danes one.
(+1) She immediately goes to her drawer to check if this super secret notebook is okay, and Rafe did leave it there. But oh-ho-ho, now he's back at the station calling in favors to check out some of the information he got from Nicole's notebook. I hope it has something to do with Rambaldi. We need a cool far-fetched fantasy/supernatural storyline.

(+10) ABE CARVER IS AT THE HOSPITAL WITH ROMAN (because of Bo's attack, obvs). EVERYTHING ELSE IS IRRELEVANT.
(+3) Carly is freaking out about Bo and Daniel tries to calm her down, and basically she's just trying not to fangirl too much over the fact that Abe Carver is still in the frame. Go ahead and keysmash, Carly! I just did!

(-1) Maggie talks to Victor on the phone and says something about a spreadsheet. This is not innuendo.

(-3) Even E.J. doesn't think Sami should trust him. And Sami is indignant that he should suggest that she has any reason to be on guard around him.
(-4) Sami tells E.J. that she wants to go watch Sydney sleep (WHAT?) and she does. She comes back to ask E.J. about a new dress she found in Syd's closet... E.J. tells her it was supposed to be a surprise because he wanted to take family portraits. OMFG this is so cheesy. Did anyone ever notice that Sami and E.J. are actually an incredibly boring couple when he's not assaulting her or they're not taking their kids away from each other? Not even boring in the, "oh, they're so uncomplicated! It's refreshing!" kind of way. It's boring in the "VOM VOM VOM. Why are we subjected to this overly cutesiness to mask the fact that they are way too complicated."

(-2) Victor tells Viv to watch a documentary about pythons in florida. She grills him about Maggie, referring to their "late night meetings" and he's like, "GURRRRL, DON'T GO THERE." IDK Victor, I really wanted to see this documentary. LIVE A LITTLE!
(+5) VIVIAN CALLS HERSELF VICTOR'S SOUL MATE. Here's the thing. I love crazy viv, and I actually sympathize that she's so unwanted. Her realization that her marriage is a complete sham was actually really sad, and it humanizes her a bit. But she's still trying to force this "relationship" and it's just weird okay. BUT SHE'S CRAZY AND I LOVE HER FOR IT.
(-1) She and victor argue. She tries to impress him with business talk, and he's thinks she's ridiculous and no1curr. At some point, she calls Maggie a redheaded cow. OOF, that's cold.

(+3) Bo wakes up while Hope tries to kill him. "What are you doing?" Oh, nothing Beauregard. Just fluffing your pillows, poisoning your IV with an air bubble. Good times, good times. It's nice to know that creepy Hope's still funny.
(-1) Carly and Dr. JoBro come back to check on him, so Hope has to slip away before she can finally finish murdering him.
(-1) And WHAT DO YOU KNOW? Bo calls Hope's name when Carly and Daniel walk in. She thinks he's trying to tell her to call Hope, while we all know that Bo just was wondering WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK she was doing in his hospital room! Before he can explain that much, his face goes all crazy, as he flatlines and crashes.
(+3) HOW DID HOPE GET OUT OF THERE SO FAST? Because she's suddenly at home. Do the Kiriakis's like live next door to the hospital?
(+1) Crazy Hope talks to a sleeping Sierra, and it's kind of sweet except for the part where she's talking about killing Sierra's father. I still think it's pretty shitty to still keep using Zac's death against Bo. Just let the kid rest in peace.
(+3) Meanwhile, at Salem U, Daniel stabilizes Bo, while Carly cries. She then decides it's time to call Hope, because she is her dying boyfriend's wife and all. Positive points for Daniel's again surprising competency at doctoring.
(-2) Hope gets the call from Carly, but she ignores it. She thinks the call means Bo told Carly that it was her, and now they're coming to get her. LMAO if that WERE the case, Hope, WHY would they call you first and give you a chance to get away. They're not Justin levels of stupid when it comes to confronting criminals, are they?
(+2) Bo is awake, but cannot seem to talk. He tries to take off his oxygen or whatever it is, and Carly is annoyed and calls him a STUBBORN MAN! He's needs to start doing his best Lassie impression to try to tell her that Hope fell down a crazy well. IDK this is kind of amusing, even though I'm pretty sure it shouldn't be.

(+3) Vivian meets with her right-hand man (whose name I forgot, because I always call him not!Ivan. Remember Ivan? He and Vivian were amaaaazing back then.) at the Brady pub. He's telling her that she's amazing and Victor doesn't appreciate her, and showing him what a strong woman she is will make him realize. Vivian's thinking more along the lines that she should WOO HIM WITH MÚSICA(!!!) by going to Chicago and picking up some of his favorites.
(-1) GUS WANTS TO KILL MAGGIE. IDK if that's actually the idea he has in mind, but he's all about not getting sad and instead getting mad and even.

(-3) Roman is being useless and getting absolutely EVERYTHING wrong (except that he deduced that it was a personal attack.)
(+9) Abe knows it's not the Dimeras. He suspected the mugger, even though the M.O. is all wrong. Bo even fits the criteria of all the attacked sirs. Basically, don't cross Abe Carver. He's the president of Salem.

(+3) After his fight with the old ball and chain of crazy, Victor shows up at the mistress's to talk "business." I'm giving them points because I actually like Victor and Maggie, but my god this needs to go somewhere. Like REAL Vivian interference. Or one of them actually making a move, instead of just discussing the fact that they have a friendship and business dealings.
(+2) Oh, somebody finally thought to call Bo's FATHER to notify him about Bo's current hospital stay. Just as Maggie was telling him that he's married, and considering Vivian's feelings on the matter, she and Victor shouldn't be friends, she then rushes to the hospital with Victor to lend her moral support. - Which leads me to wonder if we're going to have another run-in with Caroline (considering Bo's her son and all, maybe they'll think to call her?), will we have another awkward tense confrontation with her, Maggie and Victor?

Bonus points, deductions

(+20) ABE CARVER IS HERE, BEING A BAMF. HELL TO THE YES.
(-10) For the lack of fluffy hair today.
(+5) E.J.'s blinking was out of control while Sami was asking about Nicole. AMAZING.

I think that brings our total to 50 points, which is a new record! If only Philip's fluffy hair was around. I think we could have broken 60 with that. (Well, we would have, because I wouldn't have had to deduct points.)

Abe Rating

5 Happy Abes!


Abe was showing off his amazing investigative talents. I only officially go up to 5 Abes, but think of this as 10 Happy Abes.

Next week in Salem!

Justin tells Hope that Bo was attacked (lolz), Nathan tells Melanie that he and crazycakes are moving in together, and Carly asks Bo who attacked him. Let's hope there's also some progress in some of these hanging storylines, but don't count on it.

Islanded in a stream of gasoline

On today's show, we Carly, Hope and Nicole put together their Emmy reels for Salem's Craziest Bitch. Sadly, nobody tells them that is not an Emmy category.

(-3) Rafe isn't done talking to sami. and since last night, i have found out that YESTERDAY, she was dropping off his mail and telling him that she wants to permanently move in with E.J. because Marlena's selling her property. Rafe kisses her, and clearly this is another one of Sami's dreams. Why does Sami think Rafe needs to make a move. He's not the one living with bb!Elvis. IDK, though, you guys. I thought he was pretty clearly discouraged by that when he came back. They both need to find some balls, jfc.

(-4) Chloe shows up at the hospital and asks Carly about the paternity test. Carly reminds her that she'll keep her mouth shut if it's Daniel's. And I already know that there will be no new developments in this story today. They will probably have the same conversation they've been having for days.

(+5) Hope douses Bo in gasoline and thinks that she'll be at peace somehow after this. Daniel, for some reason, is at Bo's door. This is exactly what is happening, I don't know how I can exaggerate this, because it is so random. Points for leaving me baffled.

(+3) New plan: next time I discuss my damning secrets on the Salem pier, I'm just going to call out, "You can come out now, I know you're listening!" Just to see if that would draw anyone out. Because Rafe is hiding behind a pathetic bush while Nicole and E.J. talk about their secrets and assume nobody can hear them. Then they leave, and Rafe follows. RIVETING.

(+1) Hope cries and stares at a picture of her, Bo and Sierra and takes a little time for self-reflection before lighting a match. How poignant.

(+3) Ooh, Dickole scene. Points for my favorite ship name in a scene. Nicole tells him that they're in the clear for framing Ari, now that EJ has to set her free. Meaning, haaaa. This will probably blow up in her face, even though I actually kind of hope it won't.

(-3) As Sami chastises herself for thinking Rafe could possibly be in love with her (I can't.), there's a knock at the door. And what do you know, it's actually Rafe at the door. A+ for a psychic dream from Sami, even though she ALWAYS dreams about Rafe showing up and making out with her. I hope this means she actually has the Power of the Standish women ... another possession-type storyline would be fun. But I mean, really Sami. There's a reason you're always dreaming about Rafe, while you have to keep convincing yourself that you could spend your life with E.J. (And that reason is that you belong with Lucas, but since the writers ruined that, you should stick with Rafe, because you just really need a nice guy, okay.)

(-1) Carly is at fault for all of Chloe's lies! Chloe, it's not her fault that you can't tell believable lies. The thing about Carly agreeing to keep Chloe's secret is that even Chloe doesn't appreciate it! She should have told when she had the chance, because when it all comes out, Melanie AND Daniel are going to ~hate~ her. And I'll be annoyed, not because people hate Carly, but because we've already played the Melanie hates Carly thing.

(+4) Daniel finds Bo, and has at least figured out that he smells like gas. I was not sure he would understand that much. Points for him defying my expectations.

(-2) Rafe comes around the Dimera mansion asking Sami about E.J. Basically, he and E.J. should get married. He tells Sami about Nicole and E.J.'s secret truce, and judging from her huffing, she won't believe that E.J. is ACTUALLY up to something.

(-2) Chloe says that this has all just gotten way out of hand. YOU THINK? Carly is sympathetic-ish. And Chloe isn't shrieking at her. But much like our current version of Hope PM, she isn't exactly consistent in her attitude toward Carly. It's all self-wallowing and then she turns around and says that Carly did something...or something. Ah yes, apparently it's Carly's fault for keeping Chloe's secret and letting her spin a sticky web of lies and postponing her wedding to Daniel. Girl, it's all for the best. Would you really have wanted to marry Daniel in a church, and then when it all inevitably goes south, have to get yet ANOTHER annulment. I didn't know the church handed them out like candy, to be honest. Well, on soaps they do.

(+6) Dickole bid farewell to each other. The end of a beautiful relationship, truly. But I'll give them points because Nicole was really cute in the way she just kind of skipped off like the world was sunshine and rainbows. Basically, this blog is just a way for me to praise everything that Nicole does these days. Whatever, she's entertaining as hell. And at least she KNOWS what she wants and goes after it.

(+3) Sirens surround Bo's house as Daniel tries to keep his poor heart beating. Hope seems to have decided against shooting them, and I'm just wondering if her bumpit hair is big enough to conceal her tiny-ass gun.

(+2) Carly continues to blame herself for the global warming that is responsible for Chloe's tan. Oh, and for Vivian setting up Chloe. But come on, Carly. Vivian is crazy. That's what makes her fabulous. I'm going to need a chart of who blames whom for what problem at any given time of the day. Points, because I would love a Melanie and her two mommies (Chloe and Carly) craft hour where they make this chart.

(+1) Carly is called away to the ER, and I'm waiting for Chloe to curse Carly for leaving her to fend for herself against her own thoughts. ... I'll give her positive GOE here, because she refrained from doing so.

(-1) Sami implies that Rafe is having an affair with his 12-year-old secretary. The old Sami would have planted evidence. She is so lime green jello.

(+1) OMG CHLOE IS GOING TO KILL FATHER MATT. Okay, no she's not. But she wants him to stomach ANOTHER one of her confessions. Have some mercy on the priest, before even HE wants to throw himself down the four or five steps. I'll give her credit for getting my hopes up. I usually don't even bother hoping for something exciting from diva.

(+6) I like that they're meeting on the pier, though, so soon after Nicole, E.J. and stealth!Rafe left. Because I'd like to think it perpetuates the notion that Nadia is out to steal Alison Sweeney/Sami's men via "Eclipse"! (Did you SEE THE TWITTER DRAMA OVER THIS? On whose team are you? Do you believe that Nadia is trainwreck ho who should get lost? Or would you RATHER watch this version of that storyline. Hmm. Decisions.)

(-2) At some point, Roman shows up at Bo's with a few EMTs and says that they got an anonymous tip. Hope realizes that Dick called the cops to stop her from killing Bo. Girl is pissed, but I'm not getting any hilarious soundbites from her like she's been delivering for the past few days. Sad.

(-1) LOL at the hospital, Bo is shirtless. And this is the first form of half-nakedness we get in two days. I don't know what kind of kinks the writers have, but unconscious, hairy, dying dude is not hot.

(+2) Carly runs in and freaks out on Daniel to save him. I want to go to the med school where screaming and shouting is a form of saving lives. Anyway, Daniel wants them to screen Bo for toxins, which means he's used deductive reasoning and didn't just assume Bo passed out for fun. Good for him. See, this is what I'm saying. They guys on this show are so stupid around women. Daniel is usually dense as hell.

· (Sidenote, if I were writing the show like I think the writers write the show. I would assume that Bo's probably going to call Hope's name when he wakes up, and people [Carly] are going to believe it's because he wants/loves Hope. Yeah, that's more or less true, but this is Days, so nobody's going to realize that he's implicating Hope in the crime.)

(-1) EJ comes home, and Sami is tense. Ugh, negative point because I don't care.

(+3) RAFE AND NICOLE AT THE BRADY PUB AT THE SAME TIME. IT'S FATE! THEY ARE SO IN LOVE NOW, RIGHT? He's looking at her with suspicion. This means that by Christmas, they'll be engaged. Yes, please.

(+3) Hope is fuh-reaking out, because Bo can I.D. her as the culprit. She's like SCREAMING at Dick and stuff. She's breaking Dick's heart in the process, because now she has to finish the job before Bo gets her caught. But Dick just wants to run away with each other. Islands in the stream and all. Oh, and the fact that if Hope gets caught, he's had a pretty heavy hand in all her crimes. So, there's that. I give Dick extra points for his little speech that was pretty much "I'm a terrible person, mugging people was fun, but murder is scurry and I can tell you're just an angry woman so I won't let you fall into the dark abyss of soullessness!"

(+3) And Carly is still fuh-reaking out and screaming at Daniel to save Bo. LMAO Bo doesn't even look like he's going to die. He's just unconscious. I don't know. But man, his women are CRAZY. He sure knows how to pick 'em. Let's bring back Billie now, and see if she can fully rotate a hissy fit. With Hope's two personalities, Carly, and a random appearance by Billie, Bo's love life could be a quad flip of crazy. Where do I start the campaign for Billie to show up for two seconds?

(+5) And not to be outdone by crazy brunettes, Nicole yells at someone on the phone about a car getting towed. Rafe looks on. He's probably turned on, but the writers won't admit it.

(-4) Chloe wants Father Matt to tell her that she's horrible. I do too, but he won't. Basically, he knows she doesn't want his help and that she just wants him to keep his mouth shut. All he wants from her is probably a long vacation, and maybe aspirin.

(-2) Hope shows up at the hospital to finish the job. She watches Daniel and Carly remind us that we're all confused as to why they say she's with Bo, when she and Daniel spend a lot more time together and make a more convincing couple. I still don't even know why Daniel was even at Bo's. Lolz.

(-2) Sami tells EJ that since her mother is selling her townhouse, she wants to stay at the Dimera mansion permanently. Seriously, she used to live on her own and do just fine. Since she was going on about all the perks of the Dimera mansion to Rafe - there's always someone there to help her, the kids have both their parents at home, Will lives there - does that mean she can actually get a job? Because girl needs a backup plan, for when she inevitably (and six months too late) finds out that E.J., while he probably does care about his kids and shit, is bad news.

(+3) In a charming new development, she confronts E.J. about Rafe. He says "Trust me." and she hears everybody she knows telling her not to. She decides to listen to E.J. instead. Maybe it's the accent. She wants to confront Nicole and tell her, "Leave us alone! I know everything!" But we all know that Sami does not, in fact, know what Nicole knows. E.J. also knows that, so he humors Sami, but then tells her that there's no reason to talk to Nicole. Because Nicole is the crazy one who no one can trust, right? I'm giving E.J. points because I love his paranoia. But come on, I love how Sami is okay with trusting E.J. but doesn't think Nicole could ever tell the truth. Nicole just wants her man, okay. At least she's open about it. I have no idea what Sami and E.J. want, so that makes them a little more dangerous in my mind.

(+10) Rafe has his new bartender friend (his bro-tender?) spill Worcestershire sauce on Nicole, probably to get her shirt off. This is how all the best pornos start. (Note from @feelingamazing: "AND NICOLE WOULD KNOW!" OHHHH SNAP! HIGH FIVES ALL AROUND! YESSS.)

(-1) No, Rafe just wants to snoop through her stuff. Boring. He probably thought about the porn scenario though.

(+3) Hope whispers sweet nothings about killing him to an unconscious Bo. And I think every day this week has ended in Bo and Hope so far. Am I wrong? I think Tuesday might have been Daniel and Chloe. But man, with the amount of screentime Hope's story is getting, the writers are trying to convince me they're actually going somewhere with this!

Bonus points and deductions

(-5) All this Sami drama AND Chad killing his mom drama this week, and no Will. I realized this and it made me sad.
(+8) Aside from Bo in the hospital, there has been no gratuitous nudity in two days. But I'm giving them the points, because the porniest scene was Rafe and Nicole.
(-20) for no Carvers. But sidenote: good for Salem for reminding me that, even though I joke about Lexie being the only doctor, they've actually been loading the cast with doctors recently. I'm waiting to find out that Melanie is a medical prodigy like her big bro Max, even though they're not biologically related.

Today's grand total is 21 points, and I think I added that all properly. We fared slightly better than yesterday, even though I'm pretty sure I enjoyed it (okay, really mostly Nicole.) way more than the score reflects. But this just goes to show that the little things add up. Factor that, and the lack of many high scoring elements - namely Philip's hair, Abe Carver, or a quad - it just goes to show that you can't afford to make little mistakes in the long program.

· Abe Rating

3 Happy Abes

While the Carvers were, once again, poorly represented, Abe is happy because Nicole is somehow like sunshine on this show. Plus, isn't he Nicole's brother's biological father? So they're practically family!

Thank Salem It's Friday

BO'S CRASHING! Nicole spies a trap! Something else that I don't quite remember!

i had some pills, they were drugs in my coffee, drugs in my coffee.

Okay, today's recap is a little messy. I usually just type out short notes while I'm watching and elaborate afterward. Apparently, my cable just didn't want me to see the disastuh that is the Sami/Rafe/E.J. triangle, and I missed the first ten minutes. And my computer went to low-battery land toward the end of the episode, and died during the LAST ten minutes. So, I'm doing my best to reconstruct the episode myself. It may be a little bit out of order, but the important stuff is there, I think.

(-3) Sami and Rafe. I don't know what's up with them. She appears to be in a short shirtdress (or is it a romper? Or just a matching shirt/short set? IDK, but it's short), and her hair has major soap opera hair going ON. Okay, not major if you stand her next to Stephanie, Chloe or even Melanie. But it feels like more than I'm used to for Sami. I sort of tuned out whatever she's grilling Rafe about, to be honest.

(+5) Lindsay Hartley on my screen. I guess I better enjoy it while I can, huh? (To the surprise of...not me. But whatever, I really love Lindsay and just would like her in a great role that she could, you know, keep for awhile.) Points for sympathy.

(+1) Anyway, she's trying to fire E.J. as her lawyer. He's distracted, she doesn't want to be a burden, she needs someone who can focus on her case etc. This makes him sadface, but he cracks a joke about a severance package. Basically, she may not be his sort-of equal like Nicole, or the hot mess love of his life like Sami, but he wants in her pants. I didn't know how to score this, but since I don't hate this scene right now, I'll give it a plus.

(+4) Nicole in white, not may favorite. But she looks nice, as she has been a lot recently. They owe her for when Ari Zucker was pregnant. REMEMBER THE BLACK WIG? Oh, deer. Anyway, I love Nicole because she's the only girl on this show who doesn't have major soap opera hair going on. She stands out.

(-5) OMG SAMI SHUT UP. You are such an idiot. She's going on about how E.J. loves her and stuff. Okay, I'm pretty sure Rafe isn't the best person to talk to about this. She goes on about how he's the father of her children, they owe it to their kids to give them stability, two parents under one roof, etc. (They also deserve parents who aren't complete morons with each other, but there are some things they can't change.) I actually like Sami, and am glad that she's grown up from plotting and scheming to ruin other people's lives. But dear god, all she does is huff and puff and shout at everybody for hating on Elvis. Have merrrrcy, she's Uncle Jesse.

(+3) Meanwhile, Hope PM has switched back to whiny Hope, and she's going on about how she was abandoned. The show is tricking us into thinking that Bo and Hope are actually talking about their problems. They're not ACTUALLY working through their problems here (really, they're just playing the blame game again, but they seem to be listening to each other), but I still feel like if I were as invested in Bo and Hope NOW as I was in the 90s, this would be a good scene. But I am not that invested, to be honest. Still, I'll give them the points for this.

(-3) Sami calls Rafe a hypocrite. OH LAWD. This girl. I don't know why he's a hypocrite, I forget. Rafe should just find Shane, work for the ISA, be generally heroic and under-appreciated, and then somehow this will end with a Rafe/Shane/Nicole OT3. It's okay, Kimberly would be cool with it. Whatever, I like Rafe. He's not a terrible person, he's not completely oblivious. But I am more receptive to new characters/ships than maybe some other people are. The thing is, he's a good guy. I'd want him on my side. I don't feel the holier-than-thou thing from him, and even if I did, at least he's a good enough dude to back it up. And I mean, really guys? If he's judging E.J. hardcore for being a dick, it's not like he has no reason to do so.

(+5) Theresa Arianna's eyes, like, naturally glisten with unshed tears. Why would any show let her go? And Johnny is all shy around her. It's so adorable that I forget the part where I hate how people make E.J. out to be some sweet, decent, shining example of a human being. (LMAO I actually enjoy E.J. as a character, okay.)

(-1) Ari rehires E.J. after he convinces her that she's a top priority, and she asks how they'll prove that Nicole framed her. I give Ari a pass for trusting E.J. when I think Sami should do the opposite? IDK. Ari's freedom is on the line here. Nobody else is doing anything for her (LMAO, sorry Brady. You're going to get nowhere,I'm convinced). Sami should have the perspective and awareness to know that E.J. isn't the most trustworthy ever, and Arianna hasn't had the experience to gain such a perspective. And I like how he is with her. Which is to say, he's not a dumbed-down lovesick idiot. I did give this element a negative point because, as we'll find out, maybe that's not the plan anymore.

(-4) Nicole asks Brady why he kissed her if he doesn't want her. "You kissed me. And I let you kiss me. Because it felt really, really good." How poetic, Brady. Such a way with words.

(+2) Bo goes on about he didn't ~replace~ Hope with Carly, and he asks if it would change things if she were out of the picture and he took Hope back. Hope freaks out and tells him no more coffee! He looks at her like the psycho she currently is, and she says that it was probably getting cold. She's upset to find that he drank all the coffee and her sleeping pills with it. Crazy freakouts get points in this game, okay.

(+6) AND YOU GUYS. HOPE IS IN TEARS OVER A CUP OF COFFEE. My life continues to be awesome. See, I don't drink coffee, so clearly I will never have as sad a life as Hope...

(-3) ...And I won't have as an unconscious life as Bo currently does. Again, Bo shouldn't have left his drink unattended. Minus points for not doing blurry first-person vision camera tricks here. Come on, Days! Where's the excitement? Somewhere in between cloudstears in Hope's coffee and Bo passing out, she switches back to Hope PM, and she reminds Bo that it's ALLLLLL HIS FAULT AND NOT CARLY'S! So, obviously, he has to die for it. Bo goes unconscious and Hope PM skips out to yank Dick around and plan Beauregard's murder.

(-3) LMAO MEANWHILE. Brady and Nicole are going on about...something? IDK, but he convinces Nicole that he and Arianna are over. Dunzo. But he's still working full time on trying to prove her case, even though I'm not sure he's actually ever been the more capable of the pair. Nicole, Rafe, Hope PM, Melanie freaking Layton. All people I still think are way more capable, to be honest.

(+2) Nicole doesn't want him to work on Ari's case. And tells him so. Get it, gurrrl. It says something that out of all the love polygons we're visiting today, the only ones who are straightforward about what they want are E.J. and Nicole.

(+3) OH BRADY, should being a complete tease get him points? According to the technical panel consisting of myself, it's allowed in the new scoring system. See, while Nicole's going on about how she just wants a future with Brady, he avoids committing to her, and says "I will always...be your friend."

(+3) I give Nicole points for trying to leave, because that was kind of a dick move, Brady. If you want her, then you want her! She's been obsessed with you since you were Kyle Lowder, and she STILL wants you and you for some reason cannot quit her! So, yeah. Stop stringing her along, one way or another.

(+6) And Brady manages Level 4s with this circular tease sequence, when he grabs Nicole, spins her around so that he can kiss her... ON THE CHEEK. LMAO ASS.

(+3) In a random new development, Rafe got himself a young, hot assistant or secretary. I'll give that points. Cue Sami's horny, jealous panting. To be honest, I STILL have no idea what's going on with Sami and Rafe. He is too good for her, but he doesn't rub it in her face. She just assumes he does. It's not his fault he's just a little more aware than she is.

(-4) Sami's upset because PYT seems to have the job she wanted. While I would love for Sami to get an actual job, stand on her own two feet and stop depending on these guys to take care of her, there are certain places I would have a hard time justifying hiring her. The hospital is at the top of that list. But I'm pretty sure FBI/law enforcement in general is pretty high up, too. Sorry, Samantha.

(-2) Somewhere along the way, Rafe asks Sami if she loves E.J. She avoids the question, and huffs and puffs and says something about respect.

(+8) Nicole just said "do do." Positive grade of execution for my immaturity level. If they can get Nicole to say "boobies" and "fart" in the same sentence, I have a feeling that would automatically be a gold-medal episode for me. Nicole reminds E.J. that she's not completely stupid (and actually, I'm inclined to agree. She manages to pull off a lot of shit.) and "doesn't he think she'd have copies of that tape (which implicates him as Sydney's kidnapper, for those of you who may have forgotten) all over the place?"

(+3) IDK the exact quote, but YAYYYYYY EJ YELLED. I love Crazy Old Maurice EJ. Nicole really strikes a nerve. This is what happens when your favorite muppets are Dimeras who run drug cartels or kidnap their own babies. I wonder if he learned this at the same lawyer school where Brady's former identity Ethan learned how to diffuse bombs.

(-6) E.J. for some reason tells Nicole that he loves Sami, and I don't really care. The way I always saw it, EJ always was more ~in love~ with Sami than she ever will be with him. Not that I believe he was like, completely in love with her (you know, when he RAPED her), but maybe infatuated is the better word? Obsessed? She makes him stupid and pathetic. I wish he would just be a villain and keep his built-in Dimera badass points.

(-3) Hope goes to Dick for the rest of the things on her shopping list. Which is just matches and gasoline. If Hope wanted to obliterate the house, she should have gotten mystery goo. OMG REMEMBER MYSTERY GOO/LAVA EXPLOSIVE. I wish they would pull a mystery goo, where the storyline was just so stupid that they dropped it with a simple explanation. Anyway, LOL HOPE. This will end well. Negative points for the lack of mystery goo.

(+4) Dick doesn't do arson AND murder. Arsonurder? Arsassination? Well, he don't play that. So Hope decides she's just going to do it herself. There are way too many puns on doing it herself and the name Dick that I DON'T want to make here, because it's gross.

(+3) In the house Hope has decided to burn to the ground, Bo wakes up, calls Hope's name, and stumbles while trying to get up from the couch. Only to go two feet before falling over unconscious again. Yay for physical comedy! A+ Peter Reckell.

(+4) Oh, Nicole. In an ironic twist, she has learned that the way to Brady's heart is to OH MY GOD, fix her most recent ~evildoing~? She decides to blackmail EJ with her information, and her condition is that he prove Arianna's innocence without implicating her. I LOVE THIS. #FREEARIANNA! It's almost no harm, no foul (I mean, let's face it. Brady/Arianna were doomed before she ever went to jail. I wouldn't give Nicole herself TOO much credit for that. I feel more like she capitalized on it.). Is it wrong that I kind of hope she gets away with it?

(+2) Rafe is eavesdropping, and will probably manage to, once again, get shit done here. So he'll know that E.J. has a secret that Nicole is holding over his head, and will probably try to figure out what's going on there. My hope is that he exposes E.J. and somehow saves Nicole, then she can be all heart-eyes over him. Oh, E.J. will still be fun times after this. He'll probably get his way out of punishment somehow, so everybody wins.

(+4) Hope PM continues to be hilarious and completely ridiculous as she pours gasoline all over the floor and empties out the container thingy (what do you call those giant red things of gasoline) all over Beauregard. I love that her crime shoes are like...platform wedges.

Deductions, bonus points, etc.

+8 For all the crazy people today: EJ, Hope, Brady's delusions of competence...I know I gave him negative points for that earlier, but when you factor it into the BIG PICTURE, I have to hand it to them for reminding us that everyone is out of their minds.
-10 I don't remember any plaid. Or shirtlessness. When I don't give a crap what's going on, I can usually count on something gratuitous like that to distract me.
-20 No Abe Carver. Automatic deduction. And no Lexie, either. The lack of respect for the First Family in Salem makes me sadface.

According to my calculations, which I'm not entirely sure are correct to be honest, today's episode scored a whopping 12 points. Clearly, the USFSA, ISU and French judge have something against us today. Was I unnecessarily harsh? I don't know. I was actually going to change up the recap style today just for fun, but I wanted to see how my system would stand against different stories. I'll see if tomorrow yields similar results, and then we'll know whether the system favors certain storylines over others. Maybe we'll try something fun on different on Friday.

· Abe Rating:
5 Unhappy Abes

Not only did today not let the Carvers be great, Abe is also confused because he has no idea what the fuck these people (Sami, particularly) are talking about.

Tomorrow in Salem

We see Daniel trying to revive an unconscious Bo. WAIT, WHAT. LOL DANIEL? HOW EVEN. I'm already excited! What is Daniel doing there?

All along, I was plaid.

(+2) Oh, Hope. Let's talk out loud to yourself about how Bo needs to die some more. I love people rehashing their plans or secrets in general while talking to themselves out loud. If I lived in soap world, I'd spend most of my time trying to creep on people's not-so-inner monologues, because THAT'S where you find out who they're planning to kill or something.

(-5) Chloe is such a terrible liar. (Not that this is a new development.) Girl needs to figure out a cover story and stick to it, because trying to come up with something on the spot is JUST. NOT. WORKING. for her. Plus, she gets caught in EVERY lie she's told so far, so come on. If they're going to let her get away with it for so long, she could at the very least be believable. Daniel gets negative points for apparently having her on such a high pedestal that he cannot see why people don't think she's the most shining example of a human being these days, even though he argues with her every day over the same thing. THIS STORY FRUSTRATES ME, OKAY.

(-5) Charles still only looks mildly annoyed that his wife is DEAD. His grief face looks like he's confused or something. "Stay the hell away from me, you son of a bitch!" THAT'S NO WAY TO TALK ABOUT YOUR DEAD WIFE AND YOUR SON. How rude. God, the part that makes me sad about it is that if it was Charles who died, Chad would still be sort-of crying and probably blaming himself. He actually loves his parents and shit.

(+7) OMG she called him Beauregard. At least Nighttime Hope is funny sometimes.

(+5)"Where's Hope and what have you done with her?" I'm not sure how I'd judge Bo's detective skills right now. I think I'm going to give him the thumbs up here. I mean, if she had a bleached streak in her hair, I'd shake my head at him if he wasn't like "OMFG PRINCESS GINA?" OMG bring back Princess Gina. She was fun times. She had a submarine. I wish Nighttime Hope were actually Princess G with a submarine. ANYWAY, at least Bo didn't pull the same thing Justin did when confronting Hope. Confronting her about her behavior? I understand that. And like, he manages to snap her out of Nighttime Hope for two minutes. Justin was like, "OOH. I confront Hope about possibly being my MUGGER, and she makes out with me. I think she digs me, bros." At least Bo has the sense to think, "OMG WTF ARE YOU DOING YOU WEIRD, WEIRD WOMAN."

(+9) NATHAN IS WEARING PLAID! I don't know what's going on with his hair, he looks 12. But obligatory Kris gif.

(+4) Once again calling upon her pageant girl days, Stephanie is very focused on shiny sparkly things. Nathan should have gotten her a tiara.

(-2)"We need to have a serious talk." IS Nathan already rethinking it?! Noooooo... Of course HE, of all people, would say "we need to talk" and mean it in a good way, and not a "let's break up" way. Nathan. Why can't you be normal?

(+10) HERSHEY'S BLISS PRODUCT PLACEMENT. A+ EXECUTION. I loved Passions product placement the most, but Days is sufficient enough.

(-3) And then she is...talking about Chloe again. Melanie's job these days was is to make Philly as uncomfortable as possible. Remiember when they got together for reals, and it was kind of oddly sweet because they both like completely accepted each other for the screw ups they are, so they weren't all secretive.

(0.00) Hope should call him Fancy Face. No score. Let's just call my wishful thinking a transitional element...

(+4) OMG YOU DID NOT INSULT STEFANO'S DAUGHTER AND ABE CARVER'S WIFE (which makes her, like, the First Lady, the MICHELLE OBAMA of Salem.) RIGHT IN FRONT OF HIM. Stefano gets his badass points for almost cutting a bitch.

(-2) I really hope Charles isn't actually Chad's father. To be honest, this is not convincing at all to me. He's always been so cold, unfeeling, and sleazy to me, so excuse me if I don't believe that he's actually THIS torn up over his wife. He's acting like Chad just crashed his car or something.

(+3) Oh, yay. I love gross, creepy father-daughter parallels. The Jonases are grilling the spouse/almost-spouse about "what could possibly ruin our marriage?" I feel like now would be a great time to remind ourselves that Melanie's husband cheated on her with her soon-to-be stepmommy.

(-2) Jilted, Hope? Whatever, they both left/abandoned each other somehow. I don't see a victim here, except for you know, THE CHILD WHO WAS KIDNAPPED AND THEN WAS TAKEN AWAY FROM HER HOME AGAIN AFTER THAT. I do feel kind of bad, still, that during the kidnapping, Hope made Bo out to be some incompetent idiot. (Come on, Hope. The only people in Salem who are semi-competent are Rafe and Nighttime Hope. And you are not Nighttime Hope.) I don't remember if this actually happened, or if it's just commentary I read online, but holding Zac against Bo is pretty shitty.

(+1) Oh, thank god, Adrienne. Do something useful, like expose Stephanie. The whole Justin thing is useless anyway, you might as well give her something to do elsewhere.

(+1) See, I would have been convinced that the Father Matthew would be uncomfortable with Chloe marrying Daniel, since you know. SHE CHEATED ON LUCAS WITH HIM. Ugh, Chloe and Lucas. I hate whenever I remember that happened. But I'll give Chloe a point for the first lie I could have possibly believed if she didn't tell a million more before it.

(+3) Charles tries to blame Chad some more. Oblig "POOR CHAD. D:" LOL, of course Lexi can reveal something like "she was already dying, it's not Chad's fault!" Like out of nowhere. She gets points for revealing secret health conditions.

(+1) "WHO ARE YOU. TO JUDGE. ME." LOL, I would love too see Nighttime Hope at Idol auditions. She would have hit Randy over the head, mugged Simon and stolen Paula's Coke cup of "water."

(+4)Finally, Daniel stops yelling. I mean, the girl is pregnant. Geez, bro. Chloe has, like, a total of ONE default emotion. So Daniel is apparently the one with the mood swings.

(+6)Lexi is trying to explain that it wasn't necessarily the fall that made her have an aneurysm. Charles, stop TRYING to blame your son. Finally somebody is trying to comfort Chad. Can I saint Lexi now? Let's forget about those years when she was legit crazy.

(-5)Oh Adrienne, noooo. Stop encouraging it. Whatever. Philip and Stephanie were "real" too, but she decided she was too good for him. I thought it was ~real with Max too. She's just so desperate to be "ZOMG IN LOVE."

(+5)AWWW, NATHAN BROUGHT BACK HER BOWL. Grandma Maggie would be so proud. Stephanie would have a heart attack if she knew what he was doing. She'd probably start plotting how to get him on a plane to Vegas to marry her. Nathan's best in Melanie scenes because we can pretend he's not boring (don't get me wrong, I like Nathan and how boring/uncomplicated he is. And pretty). Or when he's fighting with Philip. They should do that again, that was fun.

(+5) Stefano is kind of cute trying to give his condolences to Chad. It warms my hearts. Yes, both of my hearts.

(-6) Hope is doing this weird thing where she's switching between crazy Hope and pathetic Hope. She's going to slip pills into his drink. Bo, didn't the pamphlets ever teach you not to leave your drink unattended. No matter how much you trust someone! And I mean, do you even trust Hope right now? She's CRAZY. Negative points for Bo's failure to watch after school specials.

(-3)OMG, sex always seems to end Daniel and Chloe fights. Get a new pattern, people. Learn to knit, IDK. No bonus points for you. NEGATIVE GOE, I DON'T CARE HOW NAKED THESE PEOPLE ARE.

(+4) Kate acts motherly towards Chad again. I wonder how Will would feel about this. I like the idea of them fighting over something other than a girl (Mia? Gaby? Who cares. BORING). Well, that and the idea of them being soul mates. Because I think they are.

(+2) LULZ. I love how Philip flaunts Melanie around, pretty much being a complete ass. He plays nice with Nathan, just enough to make him completely uncomfortable without being so overtly mean. It's what Stephanie tries to do to Melanie with Nathan, but he's so much better at it.

(+1) Daniel does his best diva storm out. And it was fine, I guess. I'll give it the positive score for effort. But I'm so bored. Chloe stop crying to yourself and doooo something. Kill the priest! Something! Make it interesting, because I do not foresee this story being put out of its misery any time soon. Remember when summer plots had like, secret islands and murder mysteries?! UGHHHH.

Deductions, bonus points, etc.

(-7) Philip's hair was so not exciting today. All I felt for it was the need to take a pair of scissors to it.
(-14) Where's Abe Carver?! I, once again, did not take away a full 20 points as Lexi's badassness today brought the Carver quotient back up a bit.
(+8) For no obligatory "beach" scenes. Thank you for the break, writers.

This gives us a grand total of 31. Oof, considering I give bonus points for simple things like plaid and product placement, I'm thinking this is low. Especially since yesterday was a 43. Or something like that, right? I'll figure out what's considered good eventually.

· Rating on a scale of Abes (thank you, zoppity, for the graphics! You are the Abe of My Life):
4 Unhappy Abes.

While he IS Mayor of Salem, and he has a wife who stays hot and is the only doctor in Salem, he is not happy with his wife being yelled at and her doctor skills being called into question. You just don't talk to Salem's Michelle that way, okay. When she's back to switching babies and bringing out the Dimera crazy, we can talk.

Tomorrow in Salem

Yay, Nicole is back tomorrow! I welcome the change of pace for the week. However, more with the Sami/Ej/Rafe triangle. I'm not sure how much more of that I can take.

And I was like baby, baby, baby NOOOO!

This recap is twelve hours late, simply because I managed to miss 15 minutes of the show today. This is soap math, it doesn't have to make sense.

Speaking of soap math, I've decided to judge the episode using my totally scientific, unbiased, arbitrary point system. Everything has a base point value, and I give or take points based on execution. This will end well.

(+5) Old married couple Stefano and Kate. Why are these people so strangely cute, even when they're arguing? I don't even care. I love it. She badgers him about his HEALTH and stuff. Seriously, I can't even.

(-3) We repeat Madeline's tuck and roll, minus the tuck apparently, down the four or five steps on the Salem pier. And by repeat, the Days' writers mean business.

(+10) Shirtless wet Nathan. Thank you, wardrobe department. While I don't have strong feelings about seeing her half-naked myself, I will give the wardrobe department a few more points for utilizing Stephanie's talent. Remember that the pageant circuit isn't on Shelley's resume for nothing!

(-4) LMAO perving on Stephanie's body just seems weird coming from Nathan. Not that I'm insulting Shelley's body here, but he just sounded so weird and forced. I had to decide if this was going to be a plus or minus item, but I decided to downgrade the attempt, factoring the negative grade of execution as well. But still, I LOL'd.

(+1) I am easily won over by a pink box wrapped in pretty ribbon. Don't judge, don't judge. Well-played, young Doctor Horton.

(+10) Philip's hair starts out strong today. I have no idea what the eff it's doing, but it seems to really take charge unlike most residents of Salem. It goes from this middle-parted sheen, to disheveled messy hilarity as we'll see later.

(+3) Meanwhile, Dr. Daniel JoBro, my second favorite Jonas after Kevin (it's not a close second, mind you), and Chloe's boobs talk baby names. Clytemnestra. LOL what even Daniel, you free spirit. "She murdered a lot people." AND HOW IS THAT NAME NOT PERFECT FOR A SALEM BABBY? Tell me, Dr. Dan. Negative Grade of Execution, though, for Ichabod. Overdone, Dan! We want originality. This is why I don't name babies. I don't have the imagination for it, sadly.

(+2) OH HECK YES, Philip/Chloe indiscretion flashback. I've been waiting for another one of those! Every time Melanie brings up babies around Philip and he gets the panicked look on his face? Or when Chloe's eyes go all wide and she looks far off into the distance (of course, that could just mean she's hungry. Or confused. Or happy, even.)... I finally got my repeat flashback!

(+2) I approve of any references to Craig and Nancy.

(+1) Oooh, Chloe lets her secret slip.
(-1) And quickly covers it up. Downgrade.

(-1) Hello, there Roman. You exist. Your waaaay too laid-back approach to Hope's behavior tells me that you need yourself a woman. Negative grade of execution! Remember when she hit you over the head and mugged you?! ... oh wait.

(+5) I love Bo huffing like a 5-year-old. He must have learned this from Sierra.

(+8) LOL CREEPY HOPE. "It's in the stars. Time for Bo to die..." The only way this line would have been greater is if she were TheresaArianna and she said that it's "FAAAATE!"

(-3) Nathan gives Stephanie a bracelet. I was hoping it was something more exciting, like his dick in a box. (Ah, fine. Old meme, I know.) It's for her big promotion, and I have no idea wtf they're talking about. I only just realized last week that she works at the hospital, even though she's been there forever.

(-5) All this is while Melanie is talking about babby again, and planning Chloe's baby shower. Put her in another scene with Nicole. Or Vivian. Let her be funny and shit. She's still cute tho, so I won't take too many points away. It kind of makes me sad that I find her and Philly such an adorable couple, because I'll probably miss them when they finally meet their inevitable doom.

(+4) You know the SNL sketch where Britney is a Barbie? Chloe talking to herself is giving me flashbacks to that. I don't even know guys. But a Britney mention is an automatic plus, I think.

(-3) CHAD, WHY YOU MAKE ME SAD. I hope they don't turn him into a crazy person after this. He's like the Chelsea to Will's Abby. I will maintain that comparison in my head, now. ...okay, strike my original point value for this element. It's a (+5) for me now!

(-2) Philip randomly pops up at Daniel and Chloe's like a bosscreeper. As soon as Daniel leaves, it's like "POUNCE!" Wait, does he hide in the bushes waiting for Daniel to leave? PLEASE TELL ME HE HIDES IN THE BUSHES. I would give him the points back for fully committing to the creeper act. I'll even give him positive points. There is definitely something wrong with me.

(+2) Chloe's baby is apparently psychic. Or a lot smarter than his/her parents. Because I don't know where else Chloe would have gotten the foresight to anticipate consequences. I'm not talking her usual paranoia. I'm saying her whole freakout about what would happen if Philip went after Viv. I may have just been blinded by the hearts in my eyes at a Crazy Vivian mention. I don't know.

(+4) New comparison. Chloe is so Lucy. She does something wrong, lets it slip that there's even MORE. And Phil brings out his best Ricky Ricardo voice. Okay, I would kind of love them if they were Lucy and Ricky. Please bring the lulz.

(+9) "It's not a thing, it's a murder." A+ line there, writers. I don't actually love the storyline, but whatever. Nighttime Hope is cracking my shit up today. Dick's one-sided love for Hope...is weird. I feel awkward.

(-3) Bah. Yes, Hope is completely crazy and Bo should probably do something. But whatever, if you tell her to back off, don't be surprised when other people tell you the same. IDK IDK.

(-5) WHAT EVEN. Dick wants to run away with Hope. And she finds it sweet. Oh my god, this is so weird. I can't.

(-3) But Stephanie and Nathan make out on a public "beach." This is not sexy. Especially since said "beach" is what seems to be a randomly placed clearing of sand in the middle of shrubbery and trees, with no water in sight, yet people are somehow wet.

(+2) Melanie cockblocks Nathan and Stephanie. I laugh and laugh.

(+2) Meanwhile, Melanie's RL boytoy chad is making scrunchy crying faces at the hospital, while Stefano and Kate look on in concern(?), which I guess is the best word for it.

(-5) Call me biased (because I am), but Stephanie calling Melanie a crazy stalker annoys more than it makes me laugh. At least they haven't forgotten that Stephanie is delusional. Plus sex on the random sandy clearing is gross. It's not even hot when Nicole tries it in Brady's dreams. It cracks me up that Stephanie sucks so hard at being a bitch. I've reached the obligatory moment where I remember when Stephanie used to be a redheaded racecar driver. Nathan at least looks like he feels a little bad for snapping at Melanie. Good boy.

(+3) I really do like Philip and Chloe as friends. They're all that's left of the days of epic Last Blast dances and Ghoul Girl. And Mimi. Remember Meems?!

(+2) Doctor JoBro confronts the good priest about Chloe, and she gets caught in a lie. Low point value, because Chloe is probably going to talk herself out of this (and not believably so) and the dense doctor will believe her.

(+3) I like Kate and Chad scenes. Especially since she acts so motherly towards him, so I don't get creepy cougar vibes from this.

(+5) Sierra randomly pops up out of nowhere, this is creepy and amusing. she's making a scrunchy serious face, though, so she gets extra points. Whatever, whatever. I think Henderson completely steals the scene.

(-1) Charles is just so sleazy. Ew, DNW. INSERT MORE OF ME CRYING "POOR CHAD! :("

(+3) I wouldn't characteristically call Nathan and Stephanie moving in together a plus, but Lucas mention makes me happy. I miss Lucas.

(-2) Today was a good, lulzy, fluffy hair day for Philip. Which makes his sex hair SO disappointing. Double minus points, for Melanie's contribution (or lack thereof) to the situation on top of his head.

(-6) OMG Melanie, I love you. But writers, please stop making her talk about babies. She's too cute and little and totally not ready for a baby. Even she and Philip have acknowledged that, yet HERE SHE IS TALKING ABOUT BABIES.

(-2) OOH. Daniel get angry. I like. But oh my god, I'm just as bad as Carly when it comes to my resolve about what to do with Chloe. Because I don't really like the way he's been treating her. Not that I haven't been waiting a million years for him to finally get the truth out of her, but we've played this suspicion-fight-talk her way out of it scene way too many times. Boo, no repeating elements if they're not in combination! (LOLZ, it's a soap, I know. It's not Days if not repetitive). But he's like HULKING OUT on her. I don't even know. They both make no sense to me, so I just don't know.

(+3) Bye bye, Jessica Tuck. I actually enjoyed you as Maddie. Chad accidentally killed his own mother. Why is this a plus sign? I need help. IDK IDK. I'm sure Maddie would appreciate me celebrating her life with a little plus sign. Plus Chad is still likable to me, because I don't think he's a terrible person and I actually managed to feel bad for him. Death just accidentally follows him everywhere! His baby died before he even knew she existed! His mom was a hooker, and SHE killed a dude (well, technically, he followed THAT little ordeal. But still.)! Chad probably needs a hug... I wish Will were randomly at the hospital. Oh, boy. I would have a field day with the Chill going down.

(+3) HOSHIT. BO'S RIGHT AT THE DOOR. GURRRL, YOU IN DANGER. What timing.

Deductions, bonus points, etc.

(+8) Days gets the extra bonus points for not front-loading the first half of the program with the shirtless men. Also, +3 GOE for the difficult entry~ considering most of their shirtless men clock in their half-naked time at the "beach" these days. Philip in bed was ~different from the usual, okay.
(-1) I'm deducting a point from myself for not noticing the unintentional pun I made on Jessica Tuck's name.
(-15) WHERE'S ABE CARVER? I was going to deduct 20 points, but I gave back 5 since Lexi was there to represent the Carvers.

That gives today a grand total (by way of my super reliable~ calculator) of 43 points. Does that win gold? I have no idea if that's good or not, to be ~honested. I have no idea how this would have done under a ~six-point-oh~ system. I'm inclined to say that they shouldn't have left out Abe Carver, which I've decided is a required element.

I didn't pay attention to the previews. But I did see that Nathan wears plaid tomorrow. This is enough to excite me.