i had some pills, they were drugs in my coffee, drugs in my coffee.

Okay, today's recap is a little messy. I usually just type out short notes while I'm watching and elaborate afterward. Apparently, my cable just didn't want me to see the disastuh that is the Sami/Rafe/E.J. triangle, and I missed the first ten minutes. And my computer went to low-battery land toward the end of the episode, and died during the LAST ten minutes. So, I'm doing my best to reconstruct the episode myself. It may be a little bit out of order, but the important stuff is there, I think.

(-3) Sami and Rafe. I don't know what's up with them. She appears to be in a short shirtdress (or is it a romper? Or just a matching shirt/short set? IDK, but it's short), and her hair has major soap opera hair going ON. Okay, not major if you stand her next to Stephanie, Chloe or even Melanie. But it feels like more than I'm used to for Sami. I sort of tuned out whatever she's grilling Rafe about, to be honest.

(+5) Lindsay Hartley on my screen. I guess I better enjoy it while I can, huh? (To the surprise of...not me. But whatever, I really love Lindsay and just would like her in a great role that she could, you know, keep for awhile.) Points for sympathy.

(+1) Anyway, she's trying to fire E.J. as her lawyer. He's distracted, she doesn't want to be a burden, she needs someone who can focus on her case etc. This makes him sadface, but he cracks a joke about a severance package. Basically, she may not be his sort-of equal like Nicole, or the hot mess love of his life like Sami, but he wants in her pants. I didn't know how to score this, but since I don't hate this scene right now, I'll give it a plus.

(+4) Nicole in white, not may favorite. But she looks nice, as she has been a lot recently. They owe her for when Ari Zucker was pregnant. REMEMBER THE BLACK WIG? Oh, deer. Anyway, I love Nicole because she's the only girl on this show who doesn't have major soap opera hair going on. She stands out.

(-5) OMG SAMI SHUT UP. You are such an idiot. She's going on about how E.J. loves her and stuff. Okay, I'm pretty sure Rafe isn't the best person to talk to about this. She goes on about how he's the father of her children, they owe it to their kids to give them stability, two parents under one roof, etc. (They also deserve parents who aren't complete morons with each other, but there are some things they can't change.) I actually like Sami, and am glad that she's grown up from plotting and scheming to ruin other people's lives. But dear god, all she does is huff and puff and shout at everybody for hating on Elvis. Have merrrrcy, she's Uncle Jesse.

(+3) Meanwhile, Hope PM has switched back to whiny Hope, and she's going on about how she was abandoned. The show is tricking us into thinking that Bo and Hope are actually talking about their problems. They're not ACTUALLY working through their problems here (really, they're just playing the blame game again, but they seem to be listening to each other), but I still feel like if I were as invested in Bo and Hope NOW as I was in the 90s, this would be a good scene. But I am not that invested, to be honest. Still, I'll give them the points for this.

(-3) Sami calls Rafe a hypocrite. OH LAWD. This girl. I don't know why he's a hypocrite, I forget. Rafe should just find Shane, work for the ISA, be generally heroic and under-appreciated, and then somehow this will end with a Rafe/Shane/Nicole OT3. It's okay, Kimberly would be cool with it. Whatever, I like Rafe. He's not a terrible person, he's not completely oblivious. But I am more receptive to new characters/ships than maybe some other people are. The thing is, he's a good guy. I'd want him on my side. I don't feel the holier-than-thou thing from him, and even if I did, at least he's a good enough dude to back it up. And I mean, really guys? If he's judging E.J. hardcore for being a dick, it's not like he has no reason to do so.

(+5) Theresa Arianna's eyes, like, naturally glisten with unshed tears. Why would any show let her go? And Johnny is all shy around her. It's so adorable that I forget the part where I hate how people make E.J. out to be some sweet, decent, shining example of a human being. (LMAO I actually enjoy E.J. as a character, okay.)

(-1) Ari rehires E.J. after he convinces her that she's a top priority, and she asks how they'll prove that Nicole framed her. I give Ari a pass for trusting E.J. when I think Sami should do the opposite? IDK. Ari's freedom is on the line here. Nobody else is doing anything for her (LMAO, sorry Brady. You're going to get nowhere,I'm convinced). Sami should have the perspective and awareness to know that E.J. isn't the most trustworthy ever, and Arianna hasn't had the experience to gain such a perspective. And I like how he is with her. Which is to say, he's not a dumbed-down lovesick idiot. I did give this element a negative point because, as we'll find out, maybe that's not the plan anymore.

(-4) Nicole asks Brady why he kissed her if he doesn't want her. "You kissed me. And I let you kiss me. Because it felt really, really good." How poetic, Brady. Such a way with words.

(+2) Bo goes on about he didn't ~replace~ Hope with Carly, and he asks if it would change things if she were out of the picture and he took Hope back. Hope freaks out and tells him no more coffee! He looks at her like the psycho she currently is, and she says that it was probably getting cold. She's upset to find that he drank all the coffee and her sleeping pills with it. Crazy freakouts get points in this game, okay.

(+6) AND YOU GUYS. HOPE IS IN TEARS OVER A CUP OF COFFEE. My life continues to be awesome. See, I don't drink coffee, so clearly I will never have as sad a life as Hope...

(-3) ...And I won't have as an unconscious life as Bo currently does. Again, Bo shouldn't have left his drink unattended. Minus points for not doing blurry first-person vision camera tricks here. Come on, Days! Where's the excitement? Somewhere in between cloudstears in Hope's coffee and Bo passing out, she switches back to Hope PM, and she reminds Bo that it's ALLLLLL HIS FAULT AND NOT CARLY'S! So, obviously, he has to die for it. Bo goes unconscious and Hope PM skips out to yank Dick around and plan Beauregard's murder.

(-3) LMAO MEANWHILE. Brady and Nicole are going on about...something? IDK, but he convinces Nicole that he and Arianna are over. Dunzo. But he's still working full time on trying to prove her case, even though I'm not sure he's actually ever been the more capable of the pair. Nicole, Rafe, Hope PM, Melanie freaking Layton. All people I still think are way more capable, to be honest.

(+2) Nicole doesn't want him to work on Ari's case. And tells him so. Get it, gurrrl. It says something that out of all the love polygons we're visiting today, the only ones who are straightforward about what they want are E.J. and Nicole.

(+3) OH BRADY, should being a complete tease get him points? According to the technical panel consisting of myself, it's allowed in the new scoring system. See, while Nicole's going on about how she just wants a future with Brady, he avoids committing to her, and says "I will always...be your friend."

(+3) I give Nicole points for trying to leave, because that was kind of a dick move, Brady. If you want her, then you want her! She's been obsessed with you since you were Kyle Lowder, and she STILL wants you and you for some reason cannot quit her! So, yeah. Stop stringing her along, one way or another.

(+6) And Brady manages Level 4s with this circular tease sequence, when he grabs Nicole, spins her around so that he can kiss her... ON THE CHEEK. LMAO ASS.

(+3) In a random new development, Rafe got himself a young, hot assistant or secretary. I'll give that points. Cue Sami's horny, jealous panting. To be honest, I STILL have no idea what's going on with Sami and Rafe. He is too good for her, but he doesn't rub it in her face. She just assumes he does. It's not his fault he's just a little more aware than she is.

(-4) Sami's upset because PYT seems to have the job she wanted. While I would love for Sami to get an actual job, stand on her own two feet and stop depending on these guys to take care of her, there are certain places I would have a hard time justifying hiring her. The hospital is at the top of that list. But I'm pretty sure FBI/law enforcement in general is pretty high up, too. Sorry, Samantha.

(-2) Somewhere along the way, Rafe asks Sami if she loves E.J. She avoids the question, and huffs and puffs and says something about respect.

(+8) Nicole just said "do do." Positive grade of execution for my immaturity level. If they can get Nicole to say "boobies" and "fart" in the same sentence, I have a feeling that would automatically be a gold-medal episode for me. Nicole reminds E.J. that she's not completely stupid (and actually, I'm inclined to agree. She manages to pull off a lot of shit.) and "doesn't he think she'd have copies of that tape (which implicates him as Sydney's kidnapper, for those of you who may have forgotten) all over the place?"

(+3) IDK the exact quote, but YAYYYYYY EJ YELLED. I love Crazy Old Maurice EJ. Nicole really strikes a nerve. This is what happens when your favorite muppets are Dimeras who run drug cartels or kidnap their own babies. I wonder if he learned this at the same lawyer school where Brady's former identity Ethan learned how to diffuse bombs.

(-6) E.J. for some reason tells Nicole that he loves Sami, and I don't really care. The way I always saw it, EJ always was more ~in love~ with Sami than she ever will be with him. Not that I believe he was like, completely in love with her (you know, when he RAPED her), but maybe infatuated is the better word? Obsessed? She makes him stupid and pathetic. I wish he would just be a villain and keep his built-in Dimera badass points.

(-3) Hope goes to Dick for the rest of the things on her shopping list. Which is just matches and gasoline. If Hope wanted to obliterate the house, she should have gotten mystery goo. OMG REMEMBER MYSTERY GOO/LAVA EXPLOSIVE. I wish they would pull a mystery goo, where the storyline was just so stupid that they dropped it with a simple explanation. Anyway, LOL HOPE. This will end well. Negative points for the lack of mystery goo.

(+4) Dick doesn't do arson AND murder. Arsonurder? Arsassination? Well, he don't play that. So Hope decides she's just going to do it herself. There are way too many puns on doing it herself and the name Dick that I DON'T want to make here, because it's gross.

(+3) In the house Hope has decided to burn to the ground, Bo wakes up, calls Hope's name, and stumbles while trying to get up from the couch. Only to go two feet before falling over unconscious again. Yay for physical comedy! A+ Peter Reckell.

(+4) Oh, Nicole. In an ironic twist, she has learned that the way to Brady's heart is to OH MY GOD, fix her most recent ~evildoing~? She decides to blackmail EJ with her information, and her condition is that he prove Arianna's innocence without implicating her. I LOVE THIS. #FREEARIANNA! It's almost no harm, no foul (I mean, let's face it. Brady/Arianna were doomed before she ever went to jail. I wouldn't give Nicole herself TOO much credit for that. I feel more like she capitalized on it.). Is it wrong that I kind of hope she gets away with it?

(+2) Rafe is eavesdropping, and will probably manage to, once again, get shit done here. So he'll know that E.J. has a secret that Nicole is holding over his head, and will probably try to figure out what's going on there. My hope is that he exposes E.J. and somehow saves Nicole, then she can be all heart-eyes over him. Oh, E.J. will still be fun times after this. He'll probably get his way out of punishment somehow, so everybody wins.

(+4) Hope PM continues to be hilarious and completely ridiculous as she pours gasoline all over the floor and empties out the container thingy (what do you call those giant red things of gasoline) all over Beauregard. I love that her crime shoes are like...platform wedges.

Deductions, bonus points, etc.

+8 For all the crazy people today: EJ, Hope, Brady's delusions of competence...I know I gave him negative points for that earlier, but when you factor it into the BIG PICTURE, I have to hand it to them for reminding us that everyone is out of their minds.
-10 I don't remember any plaid. Or shirtlessness. When I don't give a crap what's going on, I can usually count on something gratuitous like that to distract me.
-20 No Abe Carver. Automatic deduction. And no Lexie, either. The lack of respect for the First Family in Salem makes me sadface.

According to my calculations, which I'm not entirely sure are correct to be honest, today's episode scored a whopping 12 points. Clearly, the USFSA, ISU and French judge have something against us today. Was I unnecessarily harsh? I don't know. I was actually going to change up the recap style today just for fun, but I wanted to see how my system would stand against different stories. I'll see if tomorrow yields similar results, and then we'll know whether the system favors certain storylines over others. Maybe we'll try something fun on different on Friday.

· Abe Rating:
5 Unhappy Abes

Not only did today not let the Carvers be great, Abe is also confused because he has no idea what the fuck these people (Sami, particularly) are talking about.

Tomorrow in Salem

We see Daniel trying to revive an unconscious Bo. WAIT, WHAT. LOL DANIEL? HOW EVEN. I'm already excited! What is Daniel doing there?