Everybody in the whole cell block was dancing to the jailhouse rock.

And I'm back! I haven't done one of these in over a week, because I either kept getting distracted, or I stopped typing because I was raging at the screen so hard. So LOL. I may do a catch-up post to cover the past week or so, but IDK.

On a brighter note, Chad's back! Basically, I'm sick of everyone else. So, yes. This is very good.

(+3) NO TOUCHING! Julie goes to visit Hope in her holding room, and the guard is very set on not letting people hug her. Points for his determination.

(-5) Julie is being fucking annoying. I'm so unsympathetic, lol. I usually like Julie, too. I'm just not keen on her...I don't know if I'd call it entitlement, but that's the word that's coming to mind. Anyway, she's acting really, like, entitled and annoying about this Hope thing.

(+2) Hernandez family meeting, and I take it upon myself to appreciate them since no one else does (well, Gabi is boring and I don't want her to break up #Chill). Rafe doesn't think Arianna is happy about her name being cleared. Arianna is a weird and complex soul, we have to respect that okay!

(+6) Kate and Will have a ridiculously cute grandma moment. She makes fun of his attachment to his phone, and like the business-and-technologically-savvy grammy she is, she helps him find it. Will is looking quite dapper, and he doesn't even have his tie on yet. I say this as a neutral, uninterested observer, because the kid is supposed to be 17.

(+3) Chad sees Stefano at the pub and starts off with small talk - you know, talking about his dead hooker mama over lunch. Nothing too serious.

(+5) EJ is shirtless and wet. Today's episode really doesn't want me to downgrade them automatically for EJami scenes, so they're trying to distract me. He puts his shirt on, but it's okay, because his shorts are HILARIOUS.

(+7) Oh, also, they're at the "beach," which we know is a moderate-to-big ticket item!

(+2) Points for the phrase "happy as a clam!" I don't care about the context, but E.J. says "happy as a clam" and I'm LMAO.

(-4) Sami knows what E.J. is up to, and she won't let him get away with it. She's probably going to accuse him of doing something incredibly sweet, and I'll vom.

(+3) Stef tries to brush of Chad, and he's like WHY DO YOU WANT TO KNOW SO MUCH ABOUT HER HOOKER DAYS. YOU ARE A STRANGE CHILD. You know, I feel like they've been talking about this for too long, but then I remember that Chad hasn't been on in awhile, so this same conversation is probably dragging out in multiple scenes a LOT LESS than other peoples' do.

(-2) They cut the scene before Chad's hair gets any taller. Sad. This is the first time we've seen Chad in a while, and I want to savor the moment okay.

(-5) Sami cries about the pressure to get married to Elvis. Uggggggh, I'm bored. Cut back to Kate, now, please.

(+4) Sami daydreams about Rafe. YAY RAFE! Needs more Nicole. EJ interrupts Samantha's thoughts. Because really, what good is your woman if she has them?

(+5) Arianna has a bone to pick with Hope. Because, OH HELL NO. Arianna lost her freedom, and she doesn't believe the story that Hope didn't know what she was doing, and Hope WILLINGLY framed her for her crimes, and who does this bitch think she is just because she has a prestigious name! She is going to go confront Hope, and thank god, because I'm tired of Brady right now and everyone else around Hope is so goddamn annoying that Ari is a welcome change. EYES WILL GLISTEN LIKE THEY HAVE NEVER BEFORE. I CAN'T WAIT.

(+2) She also called Hope a psycho, so this amuses me. I'm excited, if you can't tell.

(-1) Everyone's so overprotective of Hope. Julie's getting on my damn nerves. Thankfully, Hope sends her away telling her to take care of Sierra. I'm sorry, but once you've kidnapped John Black and held him captive on a submarine, I don't buy that you're too weak to handle a little jailtime. I don't mean this against Hope, I'm just really annoyed with the people who don't think she deserves to be punished at all. There's only so much you can do to defend her, like it or not, Hope did the crimes. AND she admits that the anger wasn't just something brought about by the drugs, so Nighttime Hope really was just, like another side of real Hope or something. IDK. I only took away one point, because Hope did get rid of Julie.

(-3) Now Sami is feeling guilty about her part in the whole baby mama drama. We're still talking about that? Oh.

(-5) WHAT THE FUCK, SAMI. SHUT UP. YOU ARE STUPID. I'm sure previously being forced into a marriage with a Dimera and you know... rape, are pretty good reasons to NOT want to raise a kid with one. And even AFTER you had Sydney or "Grace," it's not like E.J. was so reformed then. It wasn't even that long ago. I clearly remember him doing some pretty spectacularly bad things of which Sami is aware, after Sydney was born. Like having Philip get shot. Or having Stephanie kidnapped, which yeah we know I hate Stephanie, but I'm not about to give the guy an award for a good deed.

(-7) EW{)ETWoksdoijiotrjoijr NOOOOOO. Sami suddenly tells E.J. she'll marry him, and he gets all wide eyed as if she just found out that he kidnapped a baby or something. Like he would ever do...oh, wait.

(+3) Will looks for Stefano, but his lover Chad already scared Mr. Dimera away. They talk about the dead hooker some more.

(+1) Stefano shows up at the mansion, and Kate's like "Boo you whore, you were supposed to have lunch with young William!" He explains that Chad ambushed him at the pub.

(+4) "You ran away from a teenage boy." Kate knows what's up.

(+5) Kate just suggested prayer to Stefano, hoping that the problems with Maddie and her secrets are behind them. And IRONY, they cut right back to E.J. and Sami. May god have mercy on their souls. Extra points for hilarious juxtaposition of scenes.

(-3) Sami ACTUALLY runs into Rafe at the beach this time (it's not one of her smutty daydreams) and she's all smiles and HI!. LOL you bitch.

(+5) Chad needs business experience to get into one of his business classes. Will quips, "Do you need surgery to get into med school?!" or something like that. IDK they're so cute tho. Will has him take a look at the project Stefano has him working on, because Will doesn't think it's fair that he has a huge opportunity and Chad's the one that needs it.

(-4) Charles. Eww.

(+1) Arianna wants to know why Hope hates her. Poor scorned women of Salem, they have such complicated lives.

(-5) Charles is gross. And now he's refusing to spend time with Chad and doesn't want to drive down to North Carolina with him like they planned.

(+2) Stefano and Will meet at the mansion. Stefano comments on Will's gentlemanly attire. Will wants to work with Chad on whatever project he's doing, and Stefano doesn't want Chad on board.

(+6) GODDAMN, ARIANNA. I'm about to fist pump in admiration. Okay, I actually feel bad for Hope, in a twist of events, but from Ari's point of view - Hope completely believed Ari was guilty, gave her no benefit of the doubt - unless to say, "I understand why you did it, you're angry!", and now people don't want to punish Hope, while Ari had to sit in jail forever.

(-4) Sami yells at Rafe a little bit for not thinking E.J. is a saint, but I can't help but remember who told him all about the evil Dimeras first. She blames herself for the whole baby fiasco, but Rafe shouldn't think anything wrong of E.J. LOGIC. It is not native to Samantha's brain.

(-1) Stefano's being outsmarted by Will. Like, seriously Stefano, if you didn't want Chad to work with Will because of his FATHER, then why did you run out on the kid at the Pub. Hmmm, questions. Stefano is not as sharp as he used to be, and hasn't talked his way out of this yet.

(+3) Arianna tells Hope that in her experience (let's not forget, Arianna's been to jail and has gang experience and knows a lot of criminals!), people who do truly evil things like Hope did have a lot of hate and shit in their hearts and whatnot. LMAO now Hope is going to think that she was evil all along, isn't she? Where's Princess Gina! Ari doesn't want to believe Hope, and whatever haters, she has no reason to. Because she knows what we know - everyone's all about poor Hope and trying, and nobody cares that Arianna didn't do anything.

(-3) Rafe is reminding Sami that of her past with E.J. and why she was in witness protection in the first place, and she's pissed at him for not being happy for her and E.J. I'm sure she's yelling back at him about something else, but I can't be bothered to care.
20
(+1) I can give Doug a little bit of a pass because it's his daughter, but still. Don't you teach your kids to take responsibility? She's being really hard on herself, but her reaction is the most understandable. Like, she wants to plead guilty because she IS. Nobody else seems to get that.

(+1) Anyway, Hope breaks down into more tears and Doug wants to comfort her but the guard is still like, "NO TOUCHING!" More points for the guard.

(+3) But Doug's like, "PUH-LEASE" and he crosses to the other side of the table to comfort her. I'll give Doug the badass points.

(-3) Chad's telling Kate about the day he had straight A's and how his dad was never proud of him and that he just doesn't want the kid around. OMG TEARS. Kate's all sad and sympathetic, and she knows that Charles isn't Chad's daddy. Negative points because Charles sucks and once Chad started telling his story about how his dad never cared about any of his accomplishments, I knew I'd be all "POOOOOR CHAAAAD!"

(-3) Sami thinks Rafe doesn't love the REAL her. LOL, I'm sure she loves the REAL E.J. (LOL she doesn't even love phony nice guy E.J., which she pretty much admitted) And while we're at it - whatever. E.J. puts ~SAMANTHER~ up on SUCH a pedestal, and Rafe's just like, "Sami, you're being an idiot and you're capable of better. Also, I love you and I'll do anything for you."

(+1) Gabi is giving Arianna smart advice. LMAO. Basically, Gabi tells Ari that when she went to jail when they were younger, she was so pissed at her for being so stupid, and their mom convinced Gabi to forgive Ari, and Ari should do the same for Hope so she doesn't hold that anger in or something. IDK. IDK, but it sounded solid.

(-1) Sami walks in on Will working on his project and remembers that she has other kids who aren't E.J.'s. She tells him about Elvis's proposal, and Will's too good of a kid to call her the many names I've been calling her all day.

(-2) Aww, E.J. is on the phone with Stefano, and Rafe walks onto the pier with a smirk. E.J. is telling his father that he and Sami are engaged, and Rafe looks so sad.

Bonus points, deductions, and our grand total!

(+8) Technically, I do have to give a shirtless bonus, and a beach bonus. Even though it was a sneaky tactic to distract me from the Sami/EJ mess.
(-20) No Abe Carver, no Lexi. What a disastuh.
(+17) Chill points, though, because I love them. And you know what? I'm throwing in extra points because the most Regal Salem couple, Kate and Stefano (not to be confused with the First Family of Salem, the Carvers.), both got to interact with both Will and Chad.

I think that means today got a score of 22. I thought it would be higher since I was practically throwing the points at Arianna and Will/Chad. But I guess Sami won't be doing DOOL's average any favors until Lucas comes back for good (not happening anytime soon, sadly) or she finally dumps E.J. allowing him to be the amazingly crazy and ridiculous villain we know he can be.

Abe Rating

2 Happy Abes

IDK how happy Abe REALLY is, what with Hope being a mugger and Sami being completely oblivious, but Chad is probably a Dimera, which makes him practically a Carver, which makes Chill scenes good for the Abe ratings.

Next time in Salem

Bo tells E.J. "don't threaten my wife!" Where is Sami to defend her fiance?

Vivian thinks she needs to teach someone a lesson. I would pay for "burying people alive" lessons.

Rafe is in sweats, so I'm guessing he has to work out through his depression. "I guess congratulations are in order." Sami, you are so cruel to him.

It's a love story, baby just say yes? (Oh god, please don't.)

Today, Sami is *thisclose* to becoming a Taylor Swift song. Hope's behavior is confusing. And the Carvers remind us what it's like to be American. Enjoy!

(-2) Brady meets nicole at the pub and Brady tells her he saw Baker. Nicole tries to convince him that he's crazy. Brady wants to get him. LOL at his constant need to be the hero.

(+8) Abe Carver and Theo are at the station, but are getting ready to go watch a baseball game! They are an all-American family. Truly iconic.

(+7) Stefano arrives at the station, and sees the First Family together. He tells Abe all about his good behavior, and how he didn't fight the police when they called him down to the station. He is ridiculously cute with Theo and gives him a vocabulary lesson. Alibi means that "No-no has done nothing wrong!" OMG I want to be Stefano's grandkid. Except without the crime and stuff. Or with the crime, whatever. I just don't want to go the way of Tony, you know?

(-3) Sami goes rejects Elvis's somewhat-proposal that popped up out of nowhere. EJ points out that they're all living under the same roof as ~family. They keep talking about how kids want their parents to be together and Johnny's acting out, and blah, blah, blah this is a disastuh.

(-3) EJ's hair is trying to be Philip. No wonder he shaved it. He's telling Sami that "If I ask you to marry me, you will know." Ugh, where's the Stoli. I need to start drinking during these scenes.

(+2) Speaking of drinking, Vivian comes home and sees Victor tossing back a few. She asks about Bo, and Victor snaps at her saying it could have been her doing, for all he knows. See, Victor is suffering a case of cockblock and the cold sting of redheaded rejection and he's taking it out on the old ball and chain.

(+3) Carly asks what Bo remembers. He smelled gasoline. He's all wide-eyed and confused looking. He's staring at Hope in a daze. This is so amusing, because I don't actually know the difference in awareness levels between this semi-conscious Bo and normal Bo.

(-6) EJ pretty much tells Samantha that he's GOING to propose sometime. And he's telling her exactly what he'll do when he proposes, and Sami's trying to make her eyes glisten as much as Theresita Arianna. Gurrrrl, you can try all you want. Nobody has Lindsay Hartley beat in that area.

(+3) Vivian tells Victor if she were going to murder someone, she'd be much more efficient! Victor says that he knows it wasn't Vivian that he knows it wasn't her, because he keeps tabs on her at all times. She's touched by this, but we know he doesn't mean it affectionately. Points for Vivian, because she basically said "I'd do a much better job at murder than whoever THIS amateur~ is!"

(+10) "I always know where you are. SO I CAN AVOID YOU!" "BULLFEATHERS!!!!" "You haven't spoken the truth since Jimmy Carter was in the white house!" "Don't bring love into this, I'm going to lose my lunch." The base score for Victor's one-liners goes WAY up when done in combination. OMFG this is amazing. That's like a Quad-Quad-Quad-Quad.

(+2) Carly is trying to get Bo to remember what happened when he was attacked. He says he saw Sierra. SIERRA ATTACKED HIM! OMFG. No, he just remembered talking to Sierra last night. I would love to see Sierra pouring gasoline all over the place. She already looks like a demon child.

(-4) Hope! Bo and Sierra were talking about Hope. Hope looks like she's panicking, which makes no sense because Daytime Hope doesn't know what she did.

(+4) Sami, thankfully for my sanity, is glad he's not proposing because they're not ready. THEY'RE NOT EVEN ACTUALLY TOGETHER. WHAT THE FUCK.

(+2) Elvis's eyes are wide. He is either angry or thirsty. IDK, but I'm really amused at how clearly unhappy he is that Sami doesn't want to marry him.

(+6) BRADY SAYS NICOLE IS "SHAKING LIKE A LEAF." SHE GETS A MILLION PAULA ABDUL POINTS. I need to find the conversion rate from Paula points to Abe points. Anyway, he's bringing up all the shit that Nicole did, like the baby switch, because Dr. Baker (we all call him Dick, now. Get with the program, Brady) had a large role in all her crimes and he should pay. I took away some points because he wants Dick to go down (giggle), but I remember when he was defending Nicole left and right even though she was just as guilty.

(-4) Another Dickole phone call interrupts Brady and Nic's romantic lunch at THE BRADY PUB. My god, Brady, go woo your woman at some place fancy. Or do something special, have a picnic at the "beach!" Oh wait, that's been done. Go for a nice country drive or something, IDEK.

(-2) Bo's eyes are glistening as Carly asked what happened when he came home. And I guess they're already sorely missing Arianna and she's not even gone yet.

(-4) Hope yells out for Bo and Carly to STOP! I don't understand this. She says it's too much stress for Bo, but it's making her look suspicious and we know that she doesn't know what she's done, so why is she acting so suspicious. UGH. Come on, show. At least make some sense.

(+2) Caroline shows up at Bo's and looks angry. She's wondering wtf they're all doing at the house. Together. I would be confused too, and I'd be really glad that relaxation techniques are not euphemisms.

(+2) Dick tells Nicole about his run-in with Brady. Nicole calls Dick "Jane" and keeps telling him to do what she told him to do. Dickole lives.

(-2) BRADY, DO YOU HAVE TO KNOW EVERYTHING ABOUT NICOLE'S WORK. "Oooh, I don't know a Jane." He's so nosy. Nicole leaves in a hurry, because Brady's being really annoying (and also because she's freaking out and making sure Dick won't ruin her life, I guess).

(-2) After getting fed up with Viv's insults toward Maggie, Victor calls his marriage a business arrangement and nothing more. And Vivian laments. Vivian, not!Ivan adores you. Why do you stick around hoping Victor will stop hating you a little less?

(-2) Caroline bitches out Carly a bit, and then storms out, and I again don't like what they're doing to her character.

(+5) Hope leaves soon after Caroline, saying she has to get Sierra's stuff ready for her camping trip, and Bo makes sure security is on that list. LMAO, that is a strange-ass camping trip.

(+1) Carly refuses to let Bo leave the house, and Bo's like "Bitch, you don't know my life!"

(-1) Sami is moping at the pub, and talks to Caroline. WHEN DID SHE CHANGE CLOTHES? I liked the purple better, tbh.

(+3) Caroline asks what E.J.'s done now, and jokingly asks if he proposed because that would just be CRAZY. I like this Caroline better. Sami stares back at Caroline in shock.

(+3) Stefano practically calls Sami a golddigger, and all she wants to do is live rent-free. LMAO, I am inclined to agree in the sense that Sami really needs to get her own life together and be independent before she runs off and marries some guy. E.J. tells him he wants to marry Samanther, and Stefano is not happy.

(+2) Dick calls Hope, but uh, she's Daytime Hope so this is going to be awkward. YAY FOR WEIRD SORT-OF ONE-SIDED PHONE CONVERSATIONS!

(-1) Brady follows Nicole out the pub, because he's in creepy stalker mode. She admits that she left because of the Dick talk. She doesn't like being reminded of her past - porn, baby-switching and all.

(+2) LMAO, Hope is so confused and Dick keeps talking to her, because he thinks she's playing dumb because someone's with her. He warns her that he's been spotted.

(+1) Caroline asks Sami why she looks so unhappy if E.J. is as great as Sami keeps saying he is. Sami says that she's still in love with RAAAFE! Ugh, it's about time you at least admitted it. Why can't you just go after what you actually want and stop dragging out this shit.

(+7) STEFANO IS CURSING AT E.J. IN ITALIAN. I LOVE HIM.

(-2) E.J. declares that he's going to marry Sami, and Stefano wishes God's mercy on his son's soul. BWAHAHAHAHA. Negative points for E.J., though.

(+1) Carly asks hope to talk to Bo, because she might get through to him. Hope doesn't think he gives a damn, and what the hell, Hope? His happy place is the Fancy Face. You are dumb.

(+3) Bo gets to the station hugs his future son-in-law, Theo (he and Sierra are so destined, we all know this). Abe tells him they're going to the baseball game, and has trouble remembering the name of the triple-A team that's playing. It's the COUGARS! I was hoping that the name "Cougars" would trigger Bo's memory about Hope attacking him tbh. #missedopportunities right there.

(-1) WALLET! TREASURES! SIERRA! Bo somehow manages to put together Theo's string of words, but just barely. It should not be impossible, because they're pretty clear if you ask me. I'm surprised that Bo managed that much, but really dude. Just figure it out, it's totally right in front of your face.

(+4) SERIOUSLY, CAROLINE SAYS THE SMARTEST THING EVER. Why would Sami even think about marrying E.J. if she's in love with someone else? Remember the last time they were "married" because she was forced into it? When she was still in love with LUCAS. OMG, this is making me too bitter. Let's move on.

(-1) Brady wonders why Nicole would freak out over the talk about Dick Baker. Brady is not smart. I mean, even if we didn't know she was freaking out because Baker has a new secret of hers to expose, wouldn't Brady think the memory of everything that Nicole did would upset her? AND HE KEEEEEPS BRINGING IT UP. Da fuq, dude. You have no game at all.

(+2) Hope just wants to find out who tried to kill Bo! And in walks Vivian to point the finger at Carly. LOL bitch is crazy. Hope just raises her eyebrow in what might be annoyance.

(+1) Theo tells Bo about Sierra's "Treasures from mommy!" He means Sierra's mommy, not his own. Lexie isn't into the murder, she's a doctor. And she's past her baby-switching days, I hope. Bo, are you putting this together? Because Theo's doing all your work for you.

Bonus points, deductions

(-10) Because it's totally embarrassing that Theo and Sierra have had the mystery solved forever, and Bo's just now getting around to it AND BARELY, at that.
(-15) E.J.'s hair is going the way of Philip's, but it just doesn't have the same pizazz.
(+20) Abe Carver bonus! No Lexie, but we did get Lexie's father being super adorable with Theo.

That gives us a score of, I THINK, 41 points. There were a lot of high-scoring elements, but the lack of artistry brought down the overall performance.

Abe Rating

2 Happy Abes

As exciting as Abe's American life is, he just wishes the rest of Salem could be as cool as he is. JFC, Salem, get it together. When Abe Carver is your mayor, I don't see how you can be so hung up on lesser issues.

Previews

Sami's confused, E.J. doesn't want to be pushed, and Carly yells! YAY!