I'm sorry I called you a gap-toothed bitch. It's not your fault you're so gap-toothed.

Today's theme of the show was admitting you were wrong about people. Also, crazy people. But who cares, because the Cheatin' Heart is where it's at. It's where all my porno fantasies come true. In a less pervy way, I swear. Or not. IDK.

(-2) Hope's public defender doesn't understand why she didn't get a better lawyer, and Hope insists it would be a waste of time and money, since she's going to jail. Bo protests this. Hope doesn't want to keep discussing this. She plead guilty, it's over! She needs to pay! But Bo aks if Sierra should have to pay, too. Bo says Sierra needs Hope, but Hope thinks Demon Child is better off without her. Bo calls her a COWARD. OMFG. (+3 LOL points) Doug decides to take Bo for a walk, and apparently they're trusting JULIE to reason with her? (-1) Because JULIE was so reasonable last week. And she's still blaming Bo for everything. Classy bitch. (-1) Julie tells Hope that she's lost her way, and they'll help her find her way back. But they can't throw everything away! Doug, Julie and Bo have another conference about Hope, then Bo talks to her public defender. Hope has doubts about what Bo is up to, and Doug and Julie think she should trust him. He comes back and announces to Hope that there's been a change of plans. GASP. I haven't been hating this story lately, but bah. Nothing even happened today. (-1)

(+4) Shady guy starts choking Melanie when Nathan runs in. He gets in a rather uneventful fight with Pat Monahan (or random hobo, drug addict, common criminal, take your pick either way -5 for being gross), but injures his arm in the process. The guy runs away. Come on, no knife? Nathan checks up on Melanie to make sure she's okay after being nearly strangled, and they're touching and this would be an opportune moment for Philip to walk in for maximum awkwardness. She'll have bruises on her neck, but no permanent damage so I don't have to cut a bitch. (+1) She notes that the guy was obviously not very strong, but Nathan says the strangler was able to take HIM down. So what we learn is that Melanie is clearly tougher than Nathan. (+2) Melanie asks about Nathan's arm. He says it's fine, but Melanie knows he wouldn't admit if it was that bad anyway. She tells him to get an X-ray, he calls her Dr. Melanie(+1) , and she corrects him - "Dr. Kiriakis." (+1) Snap. They've had enough of the clinic in the ghetto for a day, and he offers to take Melanie home. Just outside of the Brady pub, Melanie tells Nathan she can get the rest of the way alone. Score one for independent Melanie. Free bitch, baby. (+4)

(-2) Back at Stephanie's humble abode, Ian tries to get the paternity test results but is creeped out by hacking into a hospital computer with the blessed mother staring at him. (LOL +3) Stephanie continues to freak out because Chloe's baby is important to her very existence. (-1) Ian gets through the firewall, and finds Dana Scott's file, but the results aren't in. Not GOOD enough for Miss Teen Pageant Racecar Driver Girl! Ian explains there may be a backup at the lab, and Stephanie curses! (-1) Nathan chooses such a time to arrive home, and he is confused at the scene he has happened upon. "What's going on? Who the hell are you?" This is how to politely greet guests in your home. Etiquette lessons from the young Dr. Horton. (+3) Nathan apologizes for being rude, as he's on edge because of the clinic attack. He excuses himself to take a shower. Boo, show this part instead of Stephanie. Anyway, before Ian leaves, he says that a girl as pretty and as smart as Stephanie shouldn't have to fight to keep anyone. (+1) Thank you, creepy Ian. Yet another person who doesn't understand why she's so desperate to keep Nathan. But according to Stephanie, Ian doesn't understand. Stephanie LOVES Nathan. Psycho.

(-3) Stephanie freaks out when she learns that Nathan was just with Melanie. He explains that the guy tried to strangle Red, and Stephanie jokes that the guy must know her well. Yes, Stephanie - a victim of rape, who was also kidnapped and rescued by MELANIE - is joking about Melanie being attacked. (-4) Classy. NATHAN IS NOT AMUSED. Stephanie is an actual bitch. She goes on about how everything turned out okay, blah blah blah, before she tells Nathan to get an X-ray, and then looks worriedly at her computer.

(+2) While Stefano goes on about how what if Rafe or Sami find out that Elvis arranged Sydney's kidnapping, Sami walks in and confusedly asks what he said. Sami says she overheard Stefano talking about EJ keeping Sydney away from Sami. Stefano tries to talk himself out of it (LMAO +4), and Sami tells him let EJ answer! Because THAT's how you'll get a straight answer. For sure. Fo' sho! (-2) IDK, I'm only paying attention to the background because Lexie walks into the mansion and greets and hugs Stefano! Lexie!!! (+3) She's there to hear EJ saying that he just wants to give Sami some time away from Sydney after the wedding, and he wants to ~occupy some of her time. Or something like that. (-1) But yes, Lexie hears this, and is shocked to hear they're getting married. Lexie is pure class, so she congratulates them, and jokingly says she's worried about Sami considering who her in-laws will be. (+2 whatever, she was cute) She offers to help Sami with the wedding, and Sami jokes about prescribing her family sedatives. (+1 okay Sami, I'll give you this one.)

(-1) Once they're alone, Lexie tells E.J. she's happy for him. I would get mad at Lexie for not seeing how stupid this is, but 1) she's a Carver and 2) she's telling E.J. how proud she is of him for getting what he wants and turning his life around, but now he's looking kind of guilty. Yeah, you should feel bad for getting undeserved words of kindness from Lexie Carver. (-1) Lexie believes in EJ and shit, but she's worried about Rafe. (+3 for juxtaposition of this scene being followed by a Rafe and Nicole scene.) Lexie hopes EJ is right about Rafe, and EJ says he and Sami are m2b. (VOM. -2) Meanwhile, Stefano is alone with Same tells her he was wrong about her or something and tries to hug her. LOL. (+2) Sami obnoxiously interrupts EJ and Lexie, and announces that Stefano was actually nice to her. OMFG, WOW SAMI. Lexie thinks if Stefano can actually be nice to Sami, maybe he'll let Lexie talk him into diet and exercise. Once in the privacy of the Dimera foyer, Lexie discusses her doubts with Stefano, and thinks there's more to the engagement than what's being said. Stefano hopes that with the marriage, the past will just go away. (+4 juxtaposition points because they cut to Nicole asking why Rafe is dwelling in the past..) After Lexie leaves, Sami rambles and EJ kisses her and shuts her up. Oh, look, I stopped paying attention. (-3 because I'm sure it was gross)

(+5) Nicole cries at the bar (-1 for anybody making Nicole cry), while Rafe lurks and creeps on her from outside. jositfjofjiot :DDDD He jokes about always meeting like this, and she tells him to go away. IT'S LOVE. Rafe apologizes for the way he acted last time with Nicole, and wants a chance to make it up to her. She refuses, throwing her drink in his face. (+2) Nicole wants to be left alone, but Rafe at least offers to buy her a drink to replace the one she threw. She can buy her own drink though, and as she's gathering up the contents of her purse, Rafe spots the missing CD recording of EJ's confession. (+4) As Rafe walks away, OMG this creepy guy at the bar recognizes Nicole from porn. HE CALLS HER MISTY, HER PORN NAME! I AM DYING DYING DYING. (+4) Ew, gross, tho. He's hitting on her and calling his friend about his favorite porn star (-2), and Nicole is mortified. (Sadface for Nicole. -2) Rafe threatens him to apologize and get the hell out. KNIGHT IN SHINING ARMOR. (+2) Poor Nicole is crying again. (SERIOUSLY? :( -2)

(+10) Rafe apologizes again for the way he treated Nicole, and she thanks him for helping her. Nicole and Rafe bond over drinks (+2) and loving EJ and Sami, but not being able to make it work. Rafe tells Nicole about how unfair it is that she did everything for E.J. and now he's acting ~sanctimonious and he's marrying Sami? WHAT. A JERK, THAT EJ. Nicole sarcastically calls EJ a Prince. (+1) Rafe says Sami thinks he's obsessed with Elvis, and seeing evil where there isn't because HE'S just JEALOUS. LOL, Nicole thinks the same thing we're all thinking - JFC, REALLY SAMI? (-5 for Sami, but +3 for Nicole) She feels bad for him, and says the next round of drinks is on her. Rafe tells Nicole all about what he and Sami went through when Sydney went missing, and Nicole starts to feel guilty - especially at the part where EJ made Sami believe Sydney was dead. He asks Nicole to tell him that EJ's a good guy, but she knows she can't honestly say that. (+1 THANK YOU) Nicole wonders why Rafe keeps bringing up the past. Nicole says Rafe's not normal, he's FBI. And then wonders if he's on the job. ARE YOU WEARING A WIRE? She keeps trying to look down Rafe's shirt, and he asks if she wants to frisk him. (OH MY GOD. +5) Nicole makes Rafe stand up, because she is about to give rafe a proper pat-down like she learned in prison. Before she can, she stumbles drunkenly onto him and they fall into his chair and she's right in his lap. (OMG OMG OMG +5, but I do have to subtract points, because officially, Rafe's just playing her right now, tho. WHY U DO DIS, WRITERS? -3)

(-1) Daniel wants to know what's up with Chloe and Carly, and they say that their big secret is that they're spending girl time together at the spa for Chloe's birthday. Daniel's mind is blown by his womens hanging out together, and he wishes he didn't have to miss it. Carly's all, BITCH you weren't invited anyway. (+2) He and Chloe say it can be the start of a beautiful friendship, while Carly looks upset and uncomfortable. (-3 she does this a lot) Chloe admits that she was wrong about Carly, and apologizes. (+1 because that seems to be the theme of today's edition.) Dr. Dan talks to Melanie on the phone, and says they'll wait for her if she meets them at the pier. He oh-so-subtly tries to get rid of Chloe (-2 because don't we all wish it were that easy?), and just straight up tells Chloe that he wants to discuss her BIRTHDAY SURPRISE with Melanie when she gets there. Chloe agrees to leave, so as not to be spoiled. Once Melanie gets to the pier, her parents immediately spot the bruises on her neck. (-2 because I can't see it. Her neck is just extra red, if anything.) She is freaked out by all the parenting going on at once. Anyway, they move on Melanie thinks everything's possible and is excited about the baby and about Chloe and Carly being friends. Daniel and Melanie leave together, and Carly hopes to god Melanie is right. She calls Chloe to tell her for the millionth time that her results will be ready in the morning. (-3)

Bonus Points, Grand Total + Abe Rating

(+10) For Nathan's hair. And the fact that he was whining about his arm all day, and I was amused. If Philip were on today, the hair quotient would go way up. I'm also adding points, though, because Stephanie's new old friend Ian had his hair down when he started asking Stephanie about what she needs~, and suddenly we cut to him with his tied back. What the heck. Magic hair points.
(-10) For added, less amusing confusion, I couldn't tell if it was day or night in Salem. Hope's case seemed to be JUST starting, which would lead me to believe it's day. I assumed the Cheatin' Heart people (Rafe/Nicole, Daniel/Chloe/Carly from yesterday as time carried over today) were nighttime, especially since they're all ready for tomorrow. Melanie and Nathan were walking around in daylight after their shift at the clinic - and for comparison, Philip dropped Melanie off (in yesterday's) for this very shift, and was seen drinking at the Brady Pub past 5pm afterward. SO. I AM CONFUSED.
(+12) Michelle Obama appearance. And being cute with Stefano!
(+10) Rafe and Nicole: we're making them more canon here at AOOL just by sheer will. OMFG.

Apparently, this gives us a total of 56 points (I think?), I thought that Rafe and Nicole would send the score flying through the roof, but it was a pretty boring episode otherwise.

3 Happy Abes

Abe is happy that his wife is adorable, and he's happy that I'm happy that Rafe and Nicole are so becoming canon, but he was just kind of bored otherwise.

Tomrrow's Salem Time Warp

Hope pleads guilty, Arianna shows up at the bar and finds Nicole in Rafe's lap ("Are you out of your freakin' mind?!"), and EJ and Sami continue to be boring.

A nun walks into a bar...

Ugh, I meant to score this, but my battery is dying. So here's a long wordy (only sort-of edited) recap. Apparently, my posting of these recaps on school days depends on if I can catch it Hulu and/or youtube. IDK, we'll just wing it I guess.

But, to be honest, if I did score this, I think one story would have sent us over the roof in points. You'll know which one I mean.

***

Philip and Chloe hug it out bitch at the pier. I like Philip and Chloe as friends, whatever. That's all I have to say. Nathan walks by, and apologizes for interrupting whatever is going on. Aww, how considerate! He says he meant to call Philip, and they talk about their hospital brosiness for a little bit before he leaves. Chloe freaks out because Nathan KNOWS about her, and she thought he might have figured it out. Aww, come on Chloe. Nathan, though very adorable, is almost as dense as Daniel. And Philip knows Nathan would run straight to Melanie if he knew.

A Doctor walks into a bar and asks one-night stand/baby mama/old friend etc. for her opinion on the bracelet he wants to give to Chloe to wear to the opera for her birthday tomorrow. He says it's their first public birthday together. LOLLLL REMEMBER WHEN CHLOE WAS CHEATING ON LUCAS, SO DANIEL AND CHLOE WERE SUPPOSED TO BE A SECRET. haahahaha, I'm mean. He's also excited that he gets to tell people he's pregnant soon. (Oh, Chloe's the one who's pregnant.) Carly gets all uncomfortable, but blames her mood on how much she's been working. Daniel tells her he and Mel are worried about her, since she blames herself for the Bo and Hope debacle. Aww, Daniel and Carly are sweet though. He mentions the baby more, making Carly uncomfortable again. Daniel notices something is up, and then she leaves suddenly.

Stephanie, preventing Melanie from finding out why she's REALLY on the computer at St. Mary's, lies about checking up on Daniel's patient for PR purposes. Crazycakes is totally subtle in hoping that Melanie gets the job at this hospital that is across the town from Nathan. She pulls a psychotic fake-nice act that is cracking me up and freaking Melanie out. As Little Red skips off, Crazy continues to peruse hospital records, but when she comes across Chloe's file, access is denied. She seems surprised. Really? Because a PR person should really be given access to paternity test results, Stephanie. She thinks REALLY hard about what she can do, because if Chloe blows up Philip and Melanie, it'll blow up Nathan and her, and her life depends on it. AND OMG SHE HAS AN IDEA!

Sami and E.J. make out in the SUPER SECRET LIVING ROOM at the Dimera mansion, and so what a shock when Stefano walks in on this. Will walks into the room and tries to hold back his vom as Sami's going on about the wedding. "YOU SHOULDN'T BE WEARIN' WHITE AND HE CAN'T AFFORD NO RAAAAANG." Will points out that Sami's had about 29309 weddings, and for some reason thinks she can have a traditional one. Will is obviously my voice on the show, and see that is so WRONG (and then factor in WHOM she's marrying!). Sami acts indignant while Will tells her things she needs to hear, and she wonders why Will wasn't so mean when she was with Rafe. Will tells her, just as he sees Elvis walk into the foyer, that Rafe was different because THAT could have worked. LOL, sneaky bitch. I love Will. He's awesome. EJ hugs Sami as Will leaves the house. LOLLLL okay, Samanther. You say marrying him is what's best for your kids, but she is so going to lose~ Will over it. Bitch, please. Anyway, when E.J. asks if she's okay, she says Will was a "walk in the park" compared to her grandma and dad.

Meanwhile, at the pub, Caroline is complaining about Hope's lack of lawyer when Roman gets a call from Sami saying she has something to tell him. He knows something's up because when she calls him "daddy" (no dirty joke, PLEASE), she's either totaled the car or gotten a D in Spanish. When she replies "Si, si senor," he calls her Samantha Jean. LOLLL. IDK it was actually kind of cute. She tells him she'll see him at the Pub.

Sami and E.J. show up at the pub, but LOL, Caroline doesn't want E.J. present when Sami tells them her news. Oh, Caroline Bluth, you have bigger problems! Sami breaks the news of her engagement, trying to assure them that she's happy. Roman believes that she really has lost her mind. EJ says he understands why they'd be upset, and Roman reminds him that they both have clear memories. Come on, E.J. If somebody raped Sydney, you know you would KILL that guy. So yeah. You're kind of lucky Roman hasn't shot you yet, today. He makes this whole speech about how he loves Sami and respects her and hopes Sydney will learn from them setting such a good example. GAG. Okay. The Bradys aren't buying it, of course, and now Sami refuses to talk to Roman alone, because she WANTS everybody's approval, but if they don't give it to her, then she'll just cut them off. Oh my god.

Ew, at the Kiriakis mansion, Brady is like...ravishing Nicole. He makes me uncomfortable now. Assaulting a woman after sex does that to a guy. And you know what? I just ate, so excuse me while I phone in the recap of their scenes. After they pant and undress each, Nicole wants to take this somewhere a little more private. What? The common areas of the mansion where crazy people live? Not private enough? Crazy Viv can walk in, at any time, on her husband's ex-wife and her husband's grandson ~fornicating. It's a moot point, though, when Brady freaks out decides everything going on here is WRONG. (Seriously, Brady. You forgot the production crew, cameras and cheesy music. GET IT? Because Nicole used to be in PORN!) "What is wrong with you, we were about to make love!" So tender, Nikki. Brady compares sex with Nicole to a drug, and then goes into asshole mode. He basically says he told her he loved her, only to use her for sex, and he doesn't care about her. Brady is DONE with her! Asshole. Please die now.

Rafe is sick of playing by the rules, so he calls a secret person who's surprised he has his number. Rafe tells his phone friend that there's more where that came from. I get the feeling this is a 900 number. Rafe needs help to woo Nicole. He waits at the beach for this mysterious other person and OH MY GOD, LOL. It's Victor. Um, odd scene pairing plus the "beach" setting? EXTRA POINTS. Rafe tells Victor that he has proof that Nicole has something on E.J, and Vic wonders why he should care. Victor thinks they have different ideas about what E.J. "has coming to him." Rafe wants him to lose Sami, whereas Victor wants him to lose an appendage or two. Victor calls E.J. a putz when Rafe tells him what he knows. I love funny Victor. Since Rafe can't use the evidence he stole from Nicole, he needs Victor's help in getting her to tell on Elvis. Victor gives Rafe advice in hopes that he can separate her from Brady, and says he'll owe Rafe a big one. He can pay for their wedding okay. The advice is basically, "she acts tough, but she has a weak spot." Rafe needs to know Nicole's weakness, and Victor reminds him that Nicole was a PORN STAR. OMG PRAISE KANYESUS, THEY'RE ACTUALLY BRINGING THIS UP. MY DAY IS MADE, I AM DYING. THIS IS THE GREATEST THING EVER IN THE HISTORY OF "AOOL." I LOVE PORNSTAR NICOLE. Anyway, Rafe wants Victor to tell him something he didn't already know, and Victor tells him about Nicole's dad forcing her into porn and that she is a broken little girl, just looking for her knight in shining armor. SO HE TELLS RAFE TO MAKE A MOVE. OMG GG-gdsgjfoifdojjdso I CAN'T. YOU GUYS. YOU GUYYYYYYYYS. He needs to convince Nicole that he can help her, and she'll give Rafe what she wants. OMG I AM SHAKING AND CRYING.

Philip drops off Melanie at the free clinic so she could complete her hours there, and he is NOT impressed, even though it's a FREE clinic that was just opened. He, too, is really hoping she gets the job at St. Mary's. He and Stephanie are m2b. Apparently Sister Anne missed her appointment with Melanie. Random. Anyway, Philly doesn't want to leave her alone in a ~dangerous neighborhood. AWW. He's presh when he's not cheating on his wife. She mocks him for freaking out in the ghetto. Salem's ghetto is probably just the one street that has a broken street light. That and the pier. She assures him that she's perfectly fine, and that she's working with another doctor, so of course it's Nathan! Philip is clearly very comfortable with them working together on a more regular basis. They'll flirt over flu shots and figure out that they're dating/married to crazy people. So, naturally, Philip acts more awkward. He and Nathan trade territorial banter before Nathan remembers that Melanie is actually in the room. Melanie is uncomfortable.

Chloe meets Daniel at the bar, and he thinks blue looks great on her. It is orange's complimentary color. Duh, Daniel. He lets her open ONE of her gifts (that she just saw him hiding) on the day before her birthday, so of course it's a box that says "baby" on it. Dan's all sentimental about his first present for his child, and I'm loling at Chloe's paaaaiiin. She' tries to convince Dan she's happy before she excuses herself to the ladies' room. Aaaand, in walks Sister Anne. I've heard this joke before. A nun and a doctor walk into a bar... Anyway. She explains to Daniel why she missed her appointment with Melanie, and let me tell you, it's a soap storyline all on its own! There's a 15-year-old pregnant girl in labor and a drunken mother! He invites Sister Anne to meet his fiance. Uh-oh, uh-oh, uh-oh oh no no.

Carly is at bar again, but it looks like she forgot something. She sees Chloe at the bathroom freaking out, and turns to see Dan and Anne (lolrhyme) sitting together. Oh, Chloe. You were always worried that CARLY was the hussy who'd steal your man, you didn't even THINK about the nun. iCarly walks over to Danne (OTP), and she explains that she came back for her sunglasses. Sister Anne excuses herself before she even got to meet Daniel's fiance. Carly sees the humor in a nun at a bar. Daniel gets a phone call and has an emergency he has to tend to, so he asks Carly to check on Chloe. She calls Chloe to tell her that the coast is clear, but they need to talk before they go home. They talk on the pier and Carly says everything's okay for now, and her test results will be in first thing in the morning. (LOL, happy birthday, Chloe! Your first present is a paternity test result!) Which Daniel of course overhears as he arrives at the pier.

LOLLLL WHAT IS THIS GUY AT STEPHANIE'S DOOR. "Ian" is all geekery, oversized clothes and long stringy hair, and she's very excited that he's there. Apparently, they're old friends? Stephanie inquires about Ian's computer skills, and he reminds her that in college, he hacked into the school computer mainfraime to say that she filled her PE requirement. LOL, Stephanie was always a corrupt bitch. A little Walking For Fitness never hurt anyone, woman! She flirts with Ian a little to get him to agree to help her before she tells him what she needs, because he totally wants to get in her pants. He implies that if she's asking him for something big, her relationship status is important Stephanie tells Ian that she needs him to access paternity test results. He is confused, because she shouldn't need help getting her own results (LOL), and she tells them they're not her's. Before he asks why she would need somebody else's results, he decides he's better off not knowing. She continually reminds him of these mysterious times she helped him in college. They smile and flirt, and if I stare at them long enough, they kind of look alike.

Will finds Stefano at the mansion, and they have a moment. Stefano confronts Will about his doubts about Sami's engagement, saying he was just as uneasy at first. He says Will is part of the reason he changed his mind, and that he's proud of him. OMG they're adorable. He believes in the power of FAMILY! Will gets emotional because this is the closest he's had to a parental figure actually paying attention to him in, like, his whole life. Later, E.J. announces that the Bradys were unsurprisingly not happy when Sami told them about the engagement, and Stefano tells him not to look so smug. He tells him to be careful, because Rafe or Sami may find out about what Elvis did. Jr. tells Stefano not to say that in the house, and Stefano sees Sami at the door looking pisssssed. Ugh, what now?

Back at the free clinic, a dirty-looking dude tells Melanie he needs something (like, omg, you mean DRUGS?!). She says they only do check-ups and stuff, and he grabs her and has her in a choke hold type thing and calls her a bitch. OMGGGG NATHAN WHERE ARE YOU. SAVE MY BB MELANIEEEEE. Also, Philip may have had a point about how dangerous it is there, I guess.

Philip is drinking alone at the pub, and Brady walks in. Aww, Brady, don't make me tune out of a Philip scene. You ruin everything! Brady doesn't understand why it's not acceptable to drink before five. Brian at the pub is socially irresponsible and serves Brady drinks. Philip is confused that Brady's drinking, and Brady says the booze isn't the problem and he's swearing off everything that is.

Nicole shows up at the bar again, looking sad. She curses E.J. and cries, because what she knows was supposed to put her in charge, and instead, it ruined everything good in her life. Cut to Rafe just outside of the bar. OMFGGGG YOU GUYS. Rafe sees her crying inside, and reminds himself that Victor said to strike when she's vulnerable.

Previews

Chloe thinks Daniel should know the truth, which is obviously not going to be THE truth. Hope is in regular clothes, sans bumpit, in what looks to be the courthouse and announces that she's going to prison. Nicole throws a drink in Rafe's face and says, "No." Aaah, courtship.

slower updates, sad times. I need a bumpit.

I figured I should probably note that recaps are going to start being posted every other day. I'm going to try to keep up with the show via Hulu, to get Monday/Wednesday/Friday covered, but because of school I won't be home to watch on those days.

urelated gif, but it should make you feel better. idk.

Do you believe in life after Hope?

So, yesterday, everybody was in shock and disbelief about Hope being behind the muggings. Today, everybody has a secret and none of them can keep it. I combined yesterday's and today's recaps. Also, no score because I'm kind of in a rush. Feel free to mentally assign any arbitrary number you wish.

Previously in Salem

Since I didn't post yesterday's recap, I'll just do a bit of it so we're up to speed:

-----

Maggie and Nathan are talking in her kitchen. She has to take care of Chez Rouge business, and leaves the room momentarily. Melanie gets home, Nathan is there. They talk about Hope and hug. Maggie comes back and Melanie leaves her and Nathan alone, and she asks about what's going on between him and the young redhead. Blah blah blah, she's married, blah blah. They have a grandma date at the pub, and Caroline greets Maggie with coldness. Nathan asks what that's about, and Maggie explains her friendship with Victor and how she was at the hospital after Bo's attack when everyone failed to tell Caroline. Nathan sasses at her about lecturing him about Melanie when she's BFFLs with Victor.

Just as Crazycakes Stephanie leaves the bar after telling her Aunt Adrienne that she was worried over nothing when she found Nathan's picture of him and Melanie, she has to drop off hospital papers at Maggie's. Of course, she gets there to see Mel and Nathan embracing through the window, and stands there watching and freaking out like a creeper. She goes back to Adrienne to tell her about it, and then discusses Philip's weird behavior because she KNOWS he's up to something and she doesn't want him to ruin his relationship with Mel and, by extension, her relationship with Nathan.

Philip and Chloe meet at the pier to discuss her paternity test. AND CRAZYCAKES FINDS THEM THERE. She acts super-psychotic and questions Chloe's stress levels. She then proceeds to break into Chloe's apartment and tries to hack into her computer, since she now knows those two are keeping secrets. Daniel and Chloe are just outside their door, so Stephanie has to hide.

Sami and Rafe continue their locker room encounter, but he decides it's a mistake. That doesn't stop him from kissing her again. He reveals that he knows E.J. and Sami are engaged, and Sami's like WHAT. DID HE TELL YOU. Blah blah blah, she wants him to stop her from marrying Elvis, and he's like umm...that's your responsibility not mine. (To be fair, I also thought Melanie shouldn't have married Philip if she wanted Nathan to stop it. But she did come to the realization that she chose Philip on her own, and not by some force or made up obligation to any kids. So...yeah. Sami is a whole lot worse in my eyes right now. The sad thing is that I actually like Sami, but right now she's unbearable to me.)

Later, back at the mansion, Sami yells at E.J. for telling Rafe. But he didn't, so Sami assumes Stefano did. WAT. With everyone always saying everything out loud, someone's bound to hear. Elvis points out that if they're getting married, PEOPLE ARE GOING TO FIND OUT!!! Sami just wants time to get used to being engaged to Elvis. I hope they get married in Vegas by an Elvis impersonator. He sweet talks Sami a little bit, and I tuned out, but apparently they're on.

Rafe shows up to the bar after his rough day, and tells the bartender to keep the beers coming. OMG NICOLE SHOWS UP, TOO. "Buy a girl a drink?" OMG, they are going to drink their sorrows away together and fall madly in love and get married and ride off on a horse! Rafe teases Nicole about Brady, and she calls Rafe a straight-shooter. He tells the bartender to get the lady whatever she wants, and she marvels at being called a lady for the first time in forever. Nicole has a pretty drink, and she wants wants to toast to the future. "May it not suck as much as the present." Are they in love yet? I think they are.

Also items of noteworthy value to me:
Adrienne tells Caroline about her crazy granddaughter. Caroline is just like, JFC this girl. And I'm even more convinced that she needs to become a more Lucille Bluth-like character. She calls Stephanie while she's snooping around Chloe's things, and the girl snaps at Caroline. LOL, bitch.

Melanie sits with Chloe at the pub, but she's telling Chloe about her day with Daniel at St. Mary's and Chloe freaks out and leaves. Once Chloe is out the door, Melanie says, "You better start telling people you're pregnant, or else they're just going to think you're a biiiitch." OMG MELANIE. I LOVE YOU. MARRY ME. That is my new favorite line.

...There was also some Justin stuff, but I really don't care. He's stupid. Blah. And nothing really pivotal tbh.

-----

Thank at-god it's friday.

Stephanie hides as Daniel and Chloe arrive at their apartment that she broke into. She listens to them be gross for a little bit, but once Daniel is out of the picture Chloe calls Philip. Meanwhile, Philip and Melanie are walking around the house in minimal clothing talking about ... IDK. I think she may have mentioned Brady's problems. While Melanie gets dressed, Philip answers Chloe's call about needing to see him once Melanie leaves. Which, of course, Stephanie overhears. Philip shows up at Chloe's, and as they discuss their problems, Stephanie is still in the closet. Chloe tells Philip more about how they mixed up her name at the hospital, but they still have her phone number for the results, and how the baby might be Philip's. All this while Stephanie eavesdrops, biting her nails and practically crying. I think she can hear her life shattering into pieces.

She escapes from her closet once Philip and Chloe have left, and now OMG Stephanie is pacing around Chloe's apartment freaking out about everything she just found out. And now she's on the phone trying to find out if she can use her hospital clearance to try to access St. Mary's records. OMG they're really pulling a Sami with her. She is SO going to change the results.

Sami asks E.J. when he wants to get married, and he wants to get married now! He doesn't think they need a big wedding, or something extravagant. He thinks they can get married by the end of the week. Sami disagrees. She wants to set the date TOGETHER. And suggests E.J. should sit. She wants to get married at St. Luke's, where they had Grace's funeral and he threatened to take Johnny away from her...so it's poetic? Yikes. She wants the perfect wedding, and she's had a million of them. I'll come back with an actual count.

Stefano and Kate walk in and E.J. tells them the good news in person, and Kate chokes on her own disgust. Stefano offers his condolences, and Sami's like COME ON, STEFFY. So he shakes hands with her. Kate scoffs at them as Sami jokes that she has to sing for them at the wedding. Stefano is talking about the toast he and Kate have to give Elvis and Samantha. I think Stefano is really amused by this unholy union, because now they're breaking out the champs to drink to the engagement. Kate's toast: "May they get everything they deserve in life." L M A O. Stefano suggests Sami utilize Kate's event planning experience. "Please do." Stefano and E.J. confer about their secrets.

Brady is drinking and walking around shirtless, and Victor's like THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING. He refers to Nicole as his crazy ex-wife while asking what Nicole did to drive Brady to drinking. He calls her a she-monster, shapeshifter etc. Yes, she is magical. He calls her a gold-digging slut, and Brady tells him not to call her that. "Oh my god, you're still in love with her!" LOL Victor. Your grandson is dumb.

Rafe and Nicole talk about Brady. She goes on about how she didn't BREAK him and Arianna up, but Brady just realized he and Nicole are meant to be. Or something like that. But it wasn't her fault. Or something like that. I'm probably skipping stuff here, but at some point she says that he's too much of a ~man to discuss his feelings with her. And he says he's too much of a man to discuss his feelings with the woman who made Sami miserable. She says stuff about him being in love with Samanther, and then asks when was the last time he was truly happy. Words words words. Then she asks why he said he was at the bar celebrating. He's happy about his sister Arianna being free after Hope's confession to the muggings. Nicole says Hope let a lot of people off the hook, and he wonders who. (LOL, minor speedbump in their relationship. She set up his sister. Whatever. They'll get past it.)

Rafe gets a call from Tim saying he has the message Nicole sent Fay put together. He asks if Tim's listened to it yet, but Tim thinks Rafe should be the first one to hear. Rafe gives Nicole money to pay for the drinks, along with his own bit of wisdom about why her life always goes wrong. She's carrying around the recording of E.J.'s confession to the kidnapping in her purse, by the way. And she's contemplating doing the right thing by turning it in, before she freaks out that she'd get arrested and how everyone will find out what she did, and she'll lose Brady and NO WONDER SHE NEVER DOES THE RIGHT THING, RAFE! And omg, she's saying all of this out loud, of course.

Daniel and Melanie dine together at the pub. And Raawwrr. Daniel just made a cat noise. I don't know what to make of this. Mel calls Stephanie a life-ruiner. And Daniel decides he's gonna sound like a dad now. He wonders if Melanie's problem with her are because of something she did, or if it's because she's with Nathan. Oooh, rare wisdom from Danny Boy. Aww, Melanie loves her picket fence life. Melanie is worried, though, because she thinks working at University Hospital might give people the wrong impression about Daniel and Carly's involvement in her career, and she wants to make a name for herself. She doesn't want Daniel to be upset if St. Mary's offers her a job and she takes it. Having a new baby doesn't change how happy he is to be her dad. Later, outside, Daniel thinks it will be a great day.

Stephanie, luckily for her, gets to St. Mary's at the same time the desk girl leaves, and she gets onto the computer to check for Chloe's results. Unfortunately for her, Melanie shows up at the same time and wonders wtf she's doing there.

Nicole goes to see Brady again, and she "comes clean" about why she has so much money in an illegal account - which means she makes up a lie about her job and corrupt people and being afraid to go to the cops. Brady's dense and buys everything she's telling him, and they seem to make up considering the fact that they end up making out.

Rafe listens to whatever Nicole sent Fay, which is of course as we know, a recording of EJ talking about kidnapping Sydney. All we hear though, is E.J. saying he can't believe he's doing this, he must be out of his mind! But somehow Rafe puts together the whole story of E.J. kidnapping Sydney, and Nicole finding out/blackmailing him. Good boy. He also acknowledges Nicole is smart and figures out that she has the other part of the recording that is the proof he needs. OMG wat is this split screen thing going on. Rafe in one corner, Nicole and brady making out in another, and Sami and EJ on the other side. L M A O.

My heart belongs to that sweet, little, beautiful, wonderful, perfect All-American... Abe

Okay, this is a little different today, because I don't feel like scoring everything. I've given separate story elements base scores and thrown in extra points and deductions where necessary. I hope this works.

(-3) Henderson's being Sassy and Viv is wearing a riding hat (+5). HOW IS SHE EVEN REAL. Brady shows up at the mansion, no doubt to unleash his general addiction-induced asshattery. Vivian accuses Brady of freeloading off his grandfather, and Brady tells her that Victor doesn't care about her. Brady is being such an ass these days. Maybe these increasingly tighter shirts are cutting off circulation to his brain. I mean, I know it's Vivian, but still.

(+4) Victor shows up at Bo's house yelling, "GET OUT OF HERE YOU JACKALS!" (+2) Apparently there's press all over the place. LMAO. Victor tells Bo that he's sorry and that they're going to get Hope all the help she needs. Victor insists that this is Carly's fault! Even though Hope left and was angry WAY before Carly was even back in the picture. That's what I don't understand about people being so quick to blame her. Y'all are basic bitches. (-2) Bo says Victor can blame her all he wants, but the only thing that matters is taking care of Sierra and helping hope. All of a sudden, Maggie shows up to tell them that's the first smart thing either of them had said! Where was she hiding?! Ninja points! (+3) Victor wants Bo to hire the best lawyer he can and bill it to him! "I don't need your damn money!" OMFG, BOSEPH. LOL, he immediately apologizes and tells Victor he loves him, too. Which Maggie points that out to him. How sweet. Mags and Victor go for a walk, and he ignores a call. Probably from Vivian.

(+1) ...And it is Vivian, and she now thanks technology that she's now Victor's own private stalker. Wat. LOL, though.

(+2) Maggie and Victor are on a park bench. She cries about Hope, Victor consoles her, and Vivian finds them on a bench hugging in a great "Oh, you've GOT to be kidding me" kind of moment. LOL. Victor and Maggie agree to a cup of coffee, and Vivian threatens them from behind a tree.(LMAO +4) Back in Maggie's kitchen, she admits to being wrong, and Victor thinks it's impossible! Maggie thinks she was wrong to push Victor away, since they're friends and what's the point of friends if they can't talk?

(+4) Gus (+1) meets Viv at the mansion on her request, and she's complaining about how the redhead has lured Vic into her disgusting world of aprons and donuts. She wants to teach Maggie a lesson, and red doesn't know what she's up against!

(-3) Rafe overhears Elvis talking about his and Sami's engagement and says, "That's never gonna happen," as he walks away. Rafe punches stuff to work out the aggression. Well, it's a punching bag, but the emotion's still there! It's better than breathing really hard to express your frustration (Sami...).

(-5) Sami seems upset that Will doesn't have a more animated reaction to the news of her engagement. SAMI HATES PASSIVE AGGRESSIVENESS. Yes, Sami. Because huffing and puffing like a 5-year-old is how adults handle their anger. Will wonders about Sami's intent behind marrying E.J. and brings up Rafe. He also says that she's not putting her kids first (I'm giving Will points because he's fabulous +5), and the only reason why she's marrying E.J. is because he is the father of two of them. I'd like to take the time to remind us all who broke up Sami and WILL'S FATHER (and Allie's father) first. But, seriously. She doesn't seem to care about Will's feelings. She drove him to move in with Kate in the first place. And she asks him to say something, but gets angry when he does. I don't even know. Sami says that she and E.J. are compatible, and will snarks on her that "so were Dwight and Angela." The reference is lost on Sami, but not on me and Will gets extra points for being ~hip and cool. (+5) She also assures him the engagement has nothing to do with Rafe. Yeah, okay. (-3) Will doesn't want to talk about this anymore, and he doesn't think it's his place. (Plus, Sami doesn't seem to WANT anybody's opinion anyway.)

(+2) I missed a couple scenes in the middle (there was some EJ/Hope in there, I know that much), but now Sami and Will are at the pier smiling at each other and getting along, so I'm confused. But Will is still a smartass, and makes jokes about Sami getting married. Will leaves, and Rafe shows up at the pier and pointedly calls her "Mizzzzz Brady."

(+10) ABE CARVER IS HOPE'S FRIEND. OMG ABE CARVER IN THE BUILDING. Hope is worried about getting special treatment, just because of who she knows, her name, etc. And people keep saying her mind is not in the right place, but I'm like...she's the only one who sees why that's an actual problem. Arianna is already pissed off enough that people treat her like trash, don't give the girl (or anyone else of the disenfranchised in Salem) more reason to be angry. BUT WHO CARES, BECAUSE ABE IS WEARING AN AMERICAN FLAG PIN. PATRIOTISM, THY NAME IS CARVER. (+5)

(+2) Side note: Um, Abe was prescribed the same pills as Hope from the same hole-in-the-wall doctor. I wonder if they're ever going to address that. (-1) Or if they did and I was too busy marveling at Abe's patriotism to notice. Lexie wants time alone with Hope, and Abe isn't a sexist ass about leaving his wife alone with a violent criminal. That's because Abe Carver cares about people without being patronizing. Ah, perfection personified. Lexie hugs Hope and they cry. She tells Hope to take care of herself, without being righteous or telling Hope what to do about her legal trouble the way other people have been. What is it with Carvers being so awesome? Lexie mentions that Theo and Sierra have a play date, and with that she starts to leave. Hope wants Lexie to tell Abe she heard what he said, because WHO wants to let down Abe? NOBODY! (+4)

(-2) Elvis has a crooked...cop. (Whereas Nicole and Hope have a crooked Dick.) Anyway, EJ wants to get in to see hope, and I'm like...if everybody he's hurt/ruined had confrontation time with him, they'd need a take-a-number system. EJ gets into Hope's little holding room, and starts threatening her. (he's so classy -2) She tells him he's wasting his time, since she can't feel any worse than she already does. EJ wants to make sure Hope pays for what she did. Bo walks in and tells him not to threaten his wife.

(-1) Brady is now visiting Hope at the station, and is talking to Hope from an addict's perspective. He tells Hope to never give up. (Okay, +3) He's still wearing this tight shirt, but apparently, his jackass has worn off for the day.

(+8) THE CARVERS ARE PLAYING WITH THE DEMON CHILD SIERRA AT THE "BEACH." EXTRA POINTS. (+5) They talking about how they've talked about having another kid.

(-2) BO SHOWS UP AT THE DIMERA MANSION AND THREATENS TO KILL EJ. (+1) OOH. He wonders if it makes E.J. feel like a man to threaten a woman who's only hanging on by a thread. E.J. goes on blah blah blah, special treatment, blah.

(-3) Sami walks into Rafe's locker room and starts yelling at him, and this other bro that was in there decides he'll go to the shooting range where it's quieter. He tells her, "YOU'RE OUT OF YOUR EVERLOVING MIND!" (+4) for marrying E.J. Sami huffs and puffs. Apparently, Rafe has to accept that they're over. But Sami keeps yelling at him when he's like, YEAH OKAY. She can't have it both ways. And really, Samanther? What's the point, if you're over, you're over. Why does it matter who's to blame? Rafe doesn't believe she's in love with E.J. and he wants to prove it. They kiss passionately. LOL. This will end well.

Housekeeping points and the Grand Total

(-8) There was not enough funny hair for my liking. No tall Chad hair, no crazy Philip hair, no Bumpit. I don't even think there was an abundance of big, soap hair a la Chloe.
(+20) The Carver bonus.
(-10) IDK, I miss Philip.

Today's grand total is 60 POINTS. And yes, it was that glorious. I think my system today works for me, and the score sounds about right in comparison to the old system. So maybe I'll stick with it. Especially since it's not all over the place. I kind of like the other one though, so maybe I'll alternate?

Abe Rating

5 Happy Abes

I don't think I need to elaborate.

Tomorrow in Salem

If Melanie's marriage falls apart, Stephanie is going to lose Nathan. Nothing we all don't know. I don't understand what it is with soap girls who are so desperate to cling on to a guy who will leave them given the chance. (ICU, Gwen Hotchkiss.) Like, on paper, Stephanie could do better. In reality, well, she deserves a lion to bite her head off but that's because she always insists on talking.

Maggie wants to know what is going on between her grandson Nathan and Melanie. Oh-ho-ho. Nathan's hair looks kind of fluffy. All I can say is:

IDK what was going on in the clip, but it looked like E.J. was playing with babbies. Probably preparing to kidnap another one.

Everybody in the whole cell block was dancing to the jailhouse rock.

And I'm back! I haven't done one of these in over a week, because I either kept getting distracted, or I stopped typing because I was raging at the screen so hard. So LOL. I may do a catch-up post to cover the past week or so, but IDK.

On a brighter note, Chad's back! Basically, I'm sick of everyone else. So, yes. This is very good.

(+3) NO TOUCHING! Julie goes to visit Hope in her holding room, and the guard is very set on not letting people hug her. Points for his determination.

(-5) Julie is being fucking annoying. I'm so unsympathetic, lol. I usually like Julie, too. I'm just not keen on her...I don't know if I'd call it entitlement, but that's the word that's coming to mind. Anyway, she's acting really, like, entitled and annoying about this Hope thing.

(+2) Hernandez family meeting, and I take it upon myself to appreciate them since no one else does (well, Gabi is boring and I don't want her to break up #Chill). Rafe doesn't think Arianna is happy about her name being cleared. Arianna is a weird and complex soul, we have to respect that okay!

(+6) Kate and Will have a ridiculously cute grandma moment. She makes fun of his attachment to his phone, and like the business-and-technologically-savvy grammy she is, she helps him find it. Will is looking quite dapper, and he doesn't even have his tie on yet. I say this as a neutral, uninterested observer, because the kid is supposed to be 17.

(+3) Chad sees Stefano at the pub and starts off with small talk - you know, talking about his dead hooker mama over lunch. Nothing too serious.

(+5) EJ is shirtless and wet. Today's episode really doesn't want me to downgrade them automatically for EJami scenes, so they're trying to distract me. He puts his shirt on, but it's okay, because his shorts are HILARIOUS.

(+7) Oh, also, they're at the "beach," which we know is a moderate-to-big ticket item!

(+2) Points for the phrase "happy as a clam!" I don't care about the context, but E.J. says "happy as a clam" and I'm LMAO.

(-4) Sami knows what E.J. is up to, and she won't let him get away with it. She's probably going to accuse him of doing something incredibly sweet, and I'll vom.

(+3) Stef tries to brush of Chad, and he's like WHY DO YOU WANT TO KNOW SO MUCH ABOUT HER HOOKER DAYS. YOU ARE A STRANGE CHILD. You know, I feel like they've been talking about this for too long, but then I remember that Chad hasn't been on in awhile, so this same conversation is probably dragging out in multiple scenes a LOT LESS than other peoples' do.

(-2) They cut the scene before Chad's hair gets any taller. Sad. This is the first time we've seen Chad in a while, and I want to savor the moment okay.

(-5) Sami cries about the pressure to get married to Elvis. Uggggggh, I'm bored. Cut back to Kate, now, please.

(+4) Sami daydreams about Rafe. YAY RAFE! Needs more Nicole. EJ interrupts Samantha's thoughts. Because really, what good is your woman if she has them?

(+5) Arianna has a bone to pick with Hope. Because, OH HELL NO. Arianna lost her freedom, and she doesn't believe the story that Hope didn't know what she was doing, and Hope WILLINGLY framed her for her crimes, and who does this bitch think she is just because she has a prestigious name! She is going to go confront Hope, and thank god, because I'm tired of Brady right now and everyone else around Hope is so goddamn annoying that Ari is a welcome change. EYES WILL GLISTEN LIKE THEY HAVE NEVER BEFORE. I CAN'T WAIT.

(+2) She also called Hope a psycho, so this amuses me. I'm excited, if you can't tell.

(-1) Everyone's so overprotective of Hope. Julie's getting on my damn nerves. Thankfully, Hope sends her away telling her to take care of Sierra. I'm sorry, but once you've kidnapped John Black and held him captive on a submarine, I don't buy that you're too weak to handle a little jailtime. I don't mean this against Hope, I'm just really annoyed with the people who don't think she deserves to be punished at all. There's only so much you can do to defend her, like it or not, Hope did the crimes. AND she admits that the anger wasn't just something brought about by the drugs, so Nighttime Hope really was just, like another side of real Hope or something. IDK. I only took away one point, because Hope did get rid of Julie.

(-3) Now Sami is feeling guilty about her part in the whole baby mama drama. We're still talking about that? Oh.

(-5) WHAT THE FUCK, SAMI. SHUT UP. YOU ARE STUPID. I'm sure previously being forced into a marriage with a Dimera and you know... rape, are pretty good reasons to NOT want to raise a kid with one. And even AFTER you had Sydney or "Grace," it's not like E.J. was so reformed then. It wasn't even that long ago. I clearly remember him doing some pretty spectacularly bad things of which Sami is aware, after Sydney was born. Like having Philip get shot. Or having Stephanie kidnapped, which yeah we know I hate Stephanie, but I'm not about to give the guy an award for a good deed.

(-7) EW{)ETWoksdoijiotrjoijr NOOOOOO. Sami suddenly tells E.J. she'll marry him, and he gets all wide eyed as if she just found out that he kidnapped a baby or something. Like he would ever do...oh, wait.

(+3) Will looks for Stefano, but his lover Chad already scared Mr. Dimera away. They talk about the dead hooker some more.

(+1) Stefano shows up at the mansion, and Kate's like "Boo you whore, you were supposed to have lunch with young William!" He explains that Chad ambushed him at the pub.

(+4) "You ran away from a teenage boy." Kate knows what's up.

(+5) Kate just suggested prayer to Stefano, hoping that the problems with Maddie and her secrets are behind them. And IRONY, they cut right back to E.J. and Sami. May god have mercy on their souls. Extra points for hilarious juxtaposition of scenes.

(-3) Sami ACTUALLY runs into Rafe at the beach this time (it's not one of her smutty daydreams) and she's all smiles and HI!. LOL you bitch.

(+5) Chad needs business experience to get into one of his business classes. Will quips, "Do you need surgery to get into med school?!" or something like that. IDK they're so cute tho. Will has him take a look at the project Stefano has him working on, because Will doesn't think it's fair that he has a huge opportunity and Chad's the one that needs it.

(-4) Charles. Eww.

(+1) Arianna wants to know why Hope hates her. Poor scorned women of Salem, they have such complicated lives.

(-5) Charles is gross. And now he's refusing to spend time with Chad and doesn't want to drive down to North Carolina with him like they planned.

(+2) Stefano and Will meet at the mansion. Stefano comments on Will's gentlemanly attire. Will wants to work with Chad on whatever project he's doing, and Stefano doesn't want Chad on board.

(+6) GODDAMN, ARIANNA. I'm about to fist pump in admiration. Okay, I actually feel bad for Hope, in a twist of events, but from Ari's point of view - Hope completely believed Ari was guilty, gave her no benefit of the doubt - unless to say, "I understand why you did it, you're angry!", and now people don't want to punish Hope, while Ari had to sit in jail forever.

(-4) Sami yells at Rafe a little bit for not thinking E.J. is a saint, but I can't help but remember who told him all about the evil Dimeras first. She blames herself for the whole baby fiasco, but Rafe shouldn't think anything wrong of E.J. LOGIC. It is not native to Samantha's brain.

(-1) Stefano's being outsmarted by Will. Like, seriously Stefano, if you didn't want Chad to work with Will because of his FATHER, then why did you run out on the kid at the Pub. Hmmm, questions. Stefano is not as sharp as he used to be, and hasn't talked his way out of this yet.

(+3) Arianna tells Hope that in her experience (let's not forget, Arianna's been to jail and has gang experience and knows a lot of criminals!), people who do truly evil things like Hope did have a lot of hate and shit in their hearts and whatnot. LMAO now Hope is going to think that she was evil all along, isn't she? Where's Princess Gina! Ari doesn't want to believe Hope, and whatever haters, she has no reason to. Because she knows what we know - everyone's all about poor Hope and trying, and nobody cares that Arianna didn't do anything.

(-3) Rafe is reminding Sami that of her past with E.J. and why she was in witness protection in the first place, and she's pissed at him for not being happy for her and E.J. I'm sure she's yelling back at him about something else, but I can't be bothered to care.
20
(+1) I can give Doug a little bit of a pass because it's his daughter, but still. Don't you teach your kids to take responsibility? She's being really hard on herself, but her reaction is the most understandable. Like, she wants to plead guilty because she IS. Nobody else seems to get that.

(+1) Anyway, Hope breaks down into more tears and Doug wants to comfort her but the guard is still like, "NO TOUCHING!" More points for the guard.

(+3) But Doug's like, "PUH-LEASE" and he crosses to the other side of the table to comfort her. I'll give Doug the badass points.

(-3) Chad's telling Kate about the day he had straight A's and how his dad was never proud of him and that he just doesn't want the kid around. OMG TEARS. Kate's all sad and sympathetic, and she knows that Charles isn't Chad's daddy. Negative points because Charles sucks and once Chad started telling his story about how his dad never cared about any of his accomplishments, I knew I'd be all "POOOOOR CHAAAAD!"

(-3) Sami thinks Rafe doesn't love the REAL her. LOL, I'm sure she loves the REAL E.J. (LOL she doesn't even love phony nice guy E.J., which she pretty much admitted) And while we're at it - whatever. E.J. puts ~SAMANTHER~ up on SUCH a pedestal, and Rafe's just like, "Sami, you're being an idiot and you're capable of better. Also, I love you and I'll do anything for you."

(+1) Gabi is giving Arianna smart advice. LMAO. Basically, Gabi tells Ari that when she went to jail when they were younger, she was so pissed at her for being so stupid, and their mom convinced Gabi to forgive Ari, and Ari should do the same for Hope so she doesn't hold that anger in or something. IDK. IDK, but it sounded solid.

(-1) Sami walks in on Will working on his project and remembers that she has other kids who aren't E.J.'s. She tells him about Elvis's proposal, and Will's too good of a kid to call her the many names I've been calling her all day.

(-2) Aww, E.J. is on the phone with Stefano, and Rafe walks onto the pier with a smirk. E.J. is telling his father that he and Sami are engaged, and Rafe looks so sad.

Bonus points, deductions, and our grand total!

(+8) Technically, I do have to give a shirtless bonus, and a beach bonus. Even though it was a sneaky tactic to distract me from the Sami/EJ mess.
(-20) No Abe Carver, no Lexi. What a disastuh.
(+17) Chill points, though, because I love them. And you know what? I'm throwing in extra points because the most Regal Salem couple, Kate and Stefano (not to be confused with the First Family of Salem, the Carvers.), both got to interact with both Will and Chad.

I think that means today got a score of 22. I thought it would be higher since I was practically throwing the points at Arianna and Will/Chad. But I guess Sami won't be doing DOOL's average any favors until Lucas comes back for good (not happening anytime soon, sadly) or she finally dumps E.J. allowing him to be the amazingly crazy and ridiculous villain we know he can be.

Abe Rating

2 Happy Abes

IDK how happy Abe REALLY is, what with Hope being a mugger and Sami being completely oblivious, but Chad is probably a Dimera, which makes him practically a Carver, which makes Chill scenes good for the Abe ratings.

Next time in Salem

Bo tells E.J. "don't threaten my wife!" Where is Sami to defend her fiance?

Vivian thinks she needs to teach someone a lesson. I would pay for "burying people alive" lessons.

Rafe is in sweats, so I'm guessing he has to work out through his depression. "I guess congratulations are in order." Sami, you are so cruel to him.

It's a love story, baby just say yes? (Oh god, please don't.)

Today, Sami is *thisclose* to becoming a Taylor Swift song. Hope's behavior is confusing. And the Carvers remind us what it's like to be American. Enjoy!

(-2) Brady meets nicole at the pub and Brady tells her he saw Baker. Nicole tries to convince him that he's crazy. Brady wants to get him. LOL at his constant need to be the hero.

(+8) Abe Carver and Theo are at the station, but are getting ready to go watch a baseball game! They are an all-American family. Truly iconic.

(+7) Stefano arrives at the station, and sees the First Family together. He tells Abe all about his good behavior, and how he didn't fight the police when they called him down to the station. He is ridiculously cute with Theo and gives him a vocabulary lesson. Alibi means that "No-no has done nothing wrong!" OMG I want to be Stefano's grandkid. Except without the crime and stuff. Or with the crime, whatever. I just don't want to go the way of Tony, you know?

(-3) Sami goes rejects Elvis's somewhat-proposal that popped up out of nowhere. EJ points out that they're all living under the same roof as ~family. They keep talking about how kids want their parents to be together and Johnny's acting out, and blah, blah, blah this is a disastuh.

(-3) EJ's hair is trying to be Philip. No wonder he shaved it. He's telling Sami that "If I ask you to marry me, you will know." Ugh, where's the Stoli. I need to start drinking during these scenes.

(+2) Speaking of drinking, Vivian comes home and sees Victor tossing back a few. She asks about Bo, and Victor snaps at her saying it could have been her doing, for all he knows. See, Victor is suffering a case of cockblock and the cold sting of redheaded rejection and he's taking it out on the old ball and chain.

(+3) Carly asks what Bo remembers. He smelled gasoline. He's all wide-eyed and confused looking. He's staring at Hope in a daze. This is so amusing, because I don't actually know the difference in awareness levels between this semi-conscious Bo and normal Bo.

(-6) EJ pretty much tells Samantha that he's GOING to propose sometime. And he's telling her exactly what he'll do when he proposes, and Sami's trying to make her eyes glisten as much as Theresita Arianna. Gurrrrl, you can try all you want. Nobody has Lindsay Hartley beat in that area.

(+3) Vivian tells Victor if she were going to murder someone, she'd be much more efficient! Victor says that he knows it wasn't Vivian that he knows it wasn't her, because he keeps tabs on her at all times. She's touched by this, but we know he doesn't mean it affectionately. Points for Vivian, because she basically said "I'd do a much better job at murder than whoever THIS amateur~ is!"

(+10) "I always know where you are. SO I CAN AVOID YOU!" "BULLFEATHERS!!!!" "You haven't spoken the truth since Jimmy Carter was in the white house!" "Don't bring love into this, I'm going to lose my lunch." The base score for Victor's one-liners goes WAY up when done in combination. OMFG this is amazing. That's like a Quad-Quad-Quad-Quad.

(+2) Carly is trying to get Bo to remember what happened when he was attacked. He says he saw Sierra. SIERRA ATTACKED HIM! OMFG. No, he just remembered talking to Sierra last night. I would love to see Sierra pouring gasoline all over the place. She already looks like a demon child.

(-4) Hope! Bo and Sierra were talking about Hope. Hope looks like she's panicking, which makes no sense because Daytime Hope doesn't know what she did.

(+4) Sami, thankfully for my sanity, is glad he's not proposing because they're not ready. THEY'RE NOT EVEN ACTUALLY TOGETHER. WHAT THE FUCK.

(+2) Elvis's eyes are wide. He is either angry or thirsty. IDK, but I'm really amused at how clearly unhappy he is that Sami doesn't want to marry him.

(+6) BRADY SAYS NICOLE IS "SHAKING LIKE A LEAF." SHE GETS A MILLION PAULA ABDUL POINTS. I need to find the conversion rate from Paula points to Abe points. Anyway, he's bringing up all the shit that Nicole did, like the baby switch, because Dr. Baker (we all call him Dick, now. Get with the program, Brady) had a large role in all her crimes and he should pay. I took away some points because he wants Dick to go down (giggle), but I remember when he was defending Nicole left and right even though she was just as guilty.

(-4) Another Dickole phone call interrupts Brady and Nic's romantic lunch at THE BRADY PUB. My god, Brady, go woo your woman at some place fancy. Or do something special, have a picnic at the "beach!" Oh wait, that's been done. Go for a nice country drive or something, IDEK.

(-2) Bo's eyes are glistening as Carly asked what happened when he came home. And I guess they're already sorely missing Arianna and she's not even gone yet.

(-4) Hope yells out for Bo and Carly to STOP! I don't understand this. She says it's too much stress for Bo, but it's making her look suspicious and we know that she doesn't know what she's done, so why is she acting so suspicious. UGH. Come on, show. At least make some sense.

(+2) Caroline shows up at Bo's and looks angry. She's wondering wtf they're all doing at the house. Together. I would be confused too, and I'd be really glad that relaxation techniques are not euphemisms.

(+2) Dick tells Nicole about his run-in with Brady. Nicole calls Dick "Jane" and keeps telling him to do what she told him to do. Dickole lives.

(-2) BRADY, DO YOU HAVE TO KNOW EVERYTHING ABOUT NICOLE'S WORK. "Oooh, I don't know a Jane." He's so nosy. Nicole leaves in a hurry, because Brady's being really annoying (and also because she's freaking out and making sure Dick won't ruin her life, I guess).

(-2) After getting fed up with Viv's insults toward Maggie, Victor calls his marriage a business arrangement and nothing more. And Vivian laments. Vivian, not!Ivan adores you. Why do you stick around hoping Victor will stop hating you a little less?

(-2) Caroline bitches out Carly a bit, and then storms out, and I again don't like what they're doing to her character.

(+5) Hope leaves soon after Caroline, saying she has to get Sierra's stuff ready for her camping trip, and Bo makes sure security is on that list. LMAO, that is a strange-ass camping trip.

(+1) Carly refuses to let Bo leave the house, and Bo's like "Bitch, you don't know my life!"

(-1) Sami is moping at the pub, and talks to Caroline. WHEN DID SHE CHANGE CLOTHES? I liked the purple better, tbh.

(+3) Caroline asks what E.J.'s done now, and jokingly asks if he proposed because that would just be CRAZY. I like this Caroline better. Sami stares back at Caroline in shock.

(+3) Stefano practically calls Sami a golddigger, and all she wants to do is live rent-free. LMAO, I am inclined to agree in the sense that Sami really needs to get her own life together and be independent before she runs off and marries some guy. E.J. tells him he wants to marry Samanther, and Stefano is not happy.

(+2) Dick calls Hope, but uh, she's Daytime Hope so this is going to be awkward. YAY FOR WEIRD SORT-OF ONE-SIDED PHONE CONVERSATIONS!

(-1) Brady follows Nicole out the pub, because he's in creepy stalker mode. She admits that she left because of the Dick talk. She doesn't like being reminded of her past - porn, baby-switching and all.

(+2) LMAO, Hope is so confused and Dick keeps talking to her, because he thinks she's playing dumb because someone's with her. He warns her that he's been spotted.

(+1) Caroline asks Sami why she looks so unhappy if E.J. is as great as Sami keeps saying he is. Sami says that she's still in love with RAAAFE! Ugh, it's about time you at least admitted it. Why can't you just go after what you actually want and stop dragging out this shit.

(+7) STEFANO IS CURSING AT E.J. IN ITALIAN. I LOVE HIM.

(-2) E.J. declares that he's going to marry Sami, and Stefano wishes God's mercy on his son's soul. BWAHAHAHAHA. Negative points for E.J., though.

(+1) Carly asks hope to talk to Bo, because she might get through to him. Hope doesn't think he gives a damn, and what the hell, Hope? His happy place is the Fancy Face. You are dumb.

(+3) Bo gets to the station hugs his future son-in-law, Theo (he and Sierra are so destined, we all know this). Abe tells him they're going to the baseball game, and has trouble remembering the name of the triple-A team that's playing. It's the COUGARS! I was hoping that the name "Cougars" would trigger Bo's memory about Hope attacking him tbh. #missedopportunities right there.

(-1) WALLET! TREASURES! SIERRA! Bo somehow manages to put together Theo's string of words, but just barely. It should not be impossible, because they're pretty clear if you ask me. I'm surprised that Bo managed that much, but really dude. Just figure it out, it's totally right in front of your face.

(+4) SERIOUSLY, CAROLINE SAYS THE SMARTEST THING EVER. Why would Sami even think about marrying E.J. if she's in love with someone else? Remember the last time they were "married" because she was forced into it? When she was still in love with LUCAS. OMG, this is making me too bitter. Let's move on.

(-1) Brady wonders why Nicole would freak out over the talk about Dick Baker. Brady is not smart. I mean, even if we didn't know she was freaking out because Baker has a new secret of hers to expose, wouldn't Brady think the memory of everything that Nicole did would upset her? AND HE KEEEEEPS BRINGING IT UP. Da fuq, dude. You have no game at all.

(+2) Hope just wants to find out who tried to kill Bo! And in walks Vivian to point the finger at Carly. LOL bitch is crazy. Hope just raises her eyebrow in what might be annoyance.

(+1) Theo tells Bo about Sierra's "Treasures from mommy!" He means Sierra's mommy, not his own. Lexie isn't into the murder, she's a doctor. And she's past her baby-switching days, I hope. Bo, are you putting this together? Because Theo's doing all your work for you.

Bonus points, deductions

(-10) Because it's totally embarrassing that Theo and Sierra have had the mystery solved forever, and Bo's just now getting around to it AND BARELY, at that.
(-15) E.J.'s hair is going the way of Philip's, but it just doesn't have the same pizazz.
(+20) Abe Carver bonus! No Lexie, but we did get Lexie's father being super adorable with Theo.

That gives us a score of, I THINK, 41 points. There were a lot of high-scoring elements, but the lack of artistry brought down the overall performance.

Abe Rating

2 Happy Abes

As exciting as Abe's American life is, he just wishes the rest of Salem could be as cool as he is. JFC, Salem, get it together. When Abe Carver is your mayor, I don't see how you can be so hung up on lesser issues.

Previews

Sami's confused, E.J. doesn't want to be pushed, and Carly yells! YAY!