Do you believe in life after Hope?

So, yesterday, everybody was in shock and disbelief about Hope being behind the muggings. Today, everybody has a secret and none of them can keep it. I combined yesterday's and today's recaps. Also, no score because I'm kind of in a rush. Feel free to mentally assign any arbitrary number you wish.

Previously in Salem

Since I didn't post yesterday's recap, I'll just do a bit of it so we're up to speed:

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Maggie and Nathan are talking in her kitchen. She has to take care of Chez Rouge business, and leaves the room momentarily. Melanie gets home, Nathan is there. They talk about Hope and hug. Maggie comes back and Melanie leaves her and Nathan alone, and she asks about what's going on between him and the young redhead. Blah blah blah, she's married, blah blah. They have a grandma date at the pub, and Caroline greets Maggie with coldness. Nathan asks what that's about, and Maggie explains her friendship with Victor and how she was at the hospital after Bo's attack when everyone failed to tell Caroline. Nathan sasses at her about lecturing him about Melanie when she's BFFLs with Victor.

Just as Crazycakes Stephanie leaves the bar after telling her Aunt Adrienne that she was worried over nothing when she found Nathan's picture of him and Melanie, she has to drop off hospital papers at Maggie's. Of course, she gets there to see Mel and Nathan embracing through the window, and stands there watching and freaking out like a creeper. She goes back to Adrienne to tell her about it, and then discusses Philip's weird behavior because she KNOWS he's up to something and she doesn't want him to ruin his relationship with Mel and, by extension, her relationship with Nathan.

Philip and Chloe meet at the pier to discuss her paternity test. AND CRAZYCAKES FINDS THEM THERE. She acts super-psychotic and questions Chloe's stress levels. She then proceeds to break into Chloe's apartment and tries to hack into her computer, since she now knows those two are keeping secrets. Daniel and Chloe are just outside their door, so Stephanie has to hide.

Sami and Rafe continue their locker room encounter, but he decides it's a mistake. That doesn't stop him from kissing her again. He reveals that he knows E.J. and Sami are engaged, and Sami's like WHAT. DID HE TELL YOU. Blah blah blah, she wants him to stop her from marrying Elvis, and he's like umm...that's your responsibility not mine. (To be fair, I also thought Melanie shouldn't have married Philip if she wanted Nathan to stop it. But she did come to the realization that she chose Philip on her own, and not by some force or made up obligation to any kids. So...yeah. Sami is a whole lot worse in my eyes right now. The sad thing is that I actually like Sami, but right now she's unbearable to me.)

Later, back at the mansion, Sami yells at E.J. for telling Rafe. But he didn't, so Sami assumes Stefano did. WAT. With everyone always saying everything out loud, someone's bound to hear. Elvis points out that if they're getting married, PEOPLE ARE GOING TO FIND OUT!!! Sami just wants time to get used to being engaged to Elvis. I hope they get married in Vegas by an Elvis impersonator. He sweet talks Sami a little bit, and I tuned out, but apparently they're on.

Rafe shows up to the bar after his rough day, and tells the bartender to keep the beers coming. OMG NICOLE SHOWS UP, TOO. "Buy a girl a drink?" OMG, they are going to drink their sorrows away together and fall madly in love and get married and ride off on a horse! Rafe teases Nicole about Brady, and she calls Rafe a straight-shooter. He tells the bartender to get the lady whatever she wants, and she marvels at being called a lady for the first time in forever. Nicole has a pretty drink, and she wants wants to toast to the future. "May it not suck as much as the present." Are they in love yet? I think they are.

Also items of noteworthy value to me:
Adrienne tells Caroline about her crazy granddaughter. Caroline is just like, JFC this girl. And I'm even more convinced that she needs to become a more Lucille Bluth-like character. She calls Stephanie while she's snooping around Chloe's things, and the girl snaps at Caroline. LOL, bitch.

Melanie sits with Chloe at the pub, but she's telling Chloe about her day with Daniel at St. Mary's and Chloe freaks out and leaves. Once Chloe is out the door, Melanie says, "You better start telling people you're pregnant, or else they're just going to think you're a biiiitch." OMG MELANIE. I LOVE YOU. MARRY ME. That is my new favorite line.

...There was also some Justin stuff, but I really don't care. He's stupid. Blah. And nothing really pivotal tbh.

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Thank at-god it's friday.

Stephanie hides as Daniel and Chloe arrive at their apartment that she broke into. She listens to them be gross for a little bit, but once Daniel is out of the picture Chloe calls Philip. Meanwhile, Philip and Melanie are walking around the house in minimal clothing talking about ... IDK. I think she may have mentioned Brady's problems. While Melanie gets dressed, Philip answers Chloe's call about needing to see him once Melanie leaves. Which, of course, Stephanie overhears. Philip shows up at Chloe's, and as they discuss their problems, Stephanie is still in the closet. Chloe tells Philip more about how they mixed up her name at the hospital, but they still have her phone number for the results, and how the baby might be Philip's. All this while Stephanie eavesdrops, biting her nails and practically crying. I think she can hear her life shattering into pieces.

She escapes from her closet once Philip and Chloe have left, and now OMG Stephanie is pacing around Chloe's apartment freaking out about everything she just found out. And now she's on the phone trying to find out if she can use her hospital clearance to try to access St. Mary's records. OMG they're really pulling a Sami with her. She is SO going to change the results.

Sami asks E.J. when he wants to get married, and he wants to get married now! He doesn't think they need a big wedding, or something extravagant. He thinks they can get married by the end of the week. Sami disagrees. She wants to set the date TOGETHER. And suggests E.J. should sit. She wants to get married at St. Luke's, where they had Grace's funeral and he threatened to take Johnny away from her...so it's poetic? Yikes. She wants the perfect wedding, and she's had a million of them. I'll come back with an actual count.

Stefano and Kate walk in and E.J. tells them the good news in person, and Kate chokes on her own disgust. Stefano offers his condolences, and Sami's like COME ON, STEFFY. So he shakes hands with her. Kate scoffs at them as Sami jokes that she has to sing for them at the wedding. Stefano is talking about the toast he and Kate have to give Elvis and Samantha. I think Stefano is really amused by this unholy union, because now they're breaking out the champs to drink to the engagement. Kate's toast: "May they get everything they deserve in life." L M A O. Stefano suggests Sami utilize Kate's event planning experience. "Please do." Stefano and E.J. confer about their secrets.

Brady is drinking and walking around shirtless, and Victor's like THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING. He refers to Nicole as his crazy ex-wife while asking what Nicole did to drive Brady to drinking. He calls her a she-monster, shapeshifter etc. Yes, she is magical. He calls her a gold-digging slut, and Brady tells him not to call her that. "Oh my god, you're still in love with her!" LOL Victor. Your grandson is dumb.

Rafe and Nicole talk about Brady. She goes on about how she didn't BREAK him and Arianna up, but Brady just realized he and Nicole are meant to be. Or something like that. But it wasn't her fault. Or something like that. I'm probably skipping stuff here, but at some point she says that he's too much of a ~man to discuss his feelings with her. And he says he's too much of a man to discuss his feelings with the woman who made Sami miserable. She says stuff about him being in love with Samanther, and then asks when was the last time he was truly happy. Words words words. Then she asks why he said he was at the bar celebrating. He's happy about his sister Arianna being free after Hope's confession to the muggings. Nicole says Hope let a lot of people off the hook, and he wonders who. (LOL, minor speedbump in their relationship. She set up his sister. Whatever. They'll get past it.)

Rafe gets a call from Tim saying he has the message Nicole sent Fay put together. He asks if Tim's listened to it yet, but Tim thinks Rafe should be the first one to hear. Rafe gives Nicole money to pay for the drinks, along with his own bit of wisdom about why her life always goes wrong. She's carrying around the recording of E.J.'s confession to the kidnapping in her purse, by the way. And she's contemplating doing the right thing by turning it in, before she freaks out that she'd get arrested and how everyone will find out what she did, and she'll lose Brady and NO WONDER SHE NEVER DOES THE RIGHT THING, RAFE! And omg, she's saying all of this out loud, of course.

Daniel and Melanie dine together at the pub. And Raawwrr. Daniel just made a cat noise. I don't know what to make of this. Mel calls Stephanie a life-ruiner. And Daniel decides he's gonna sound like a dad now. He wonders if Melanie's problem with her are because of something she did, or if it's because she's with Nathan. Oooh, rare wisdom from Danny Boy. Aww, Melanie loves her picket fence life. Melanie is worried, though, because she thinks working at University Hospital might give people the wrong impression about Daniel and Carly's involvement in her career, and she wants to make a name for herself. She doesn't want Daniel to be upset if St. Mary's offers her a job and she takes it. Having a new baby doesn't change how happy he is to be her dad. Later, outside, Daniel thinks it will be a great day.

Stephanie, luckily for her, gets to St. Mary's at the same time the desk girl leaves, and she gets onto the computer to check for Chloe's results. Unfortunately for her, Melanie shows up at the same time and wonders wtf she's doing there.

Nicole goes to see Brady again, and she "comes clean" about why she has so much money in an illegal account - which means she makes up a lie about her job and corrupt people and being afraid to go to the cops. Brady's dense and buys everything she's telling him, and they seem to make up considering the fact that they end up making out.

Rafe listens to whatever Nicole sent Fay, which is of course as we know, a recording of EJ talking about kidnapping Sydney. All we hear though, is E.J. saying he can't believe he's doing this, he must be out of his mind! But somehow Rafe puts together the whole story of E.J. kidnapping Sydney, and Nicole finding out/blackmailing him. Good boy. He also acknowledges Nicole is smart and figures out that she has the other part of the recording that is the proof he needs. OMG wat is this split screen thing going on. Rafe in one corner, Nicole and brady making out in another, and Sami and EJ on the other side. L M A O.

My heart belongs to that sweet, little, beautiful, wonderful, perfect All-American... Abe

Okay, this is a little different today, because I don't feel like scoring everything. I've given separate story elements base scores and thrown in extra points and deductions where necessary. I hope this works.

(-3) Henderson's being Sassy and Viv is wearing a riding hat (+5). HOW IS SHE EVEN REAL. Brady shows up at the mansion, no doubt to unleash his general addiction-induced asshattery. Vivian accuses Brady of freeloading off his grandfather, and Brady tells her that Victor doesn't care about her. Brady is being such an ass these days. Maybe these increasingly tighter shirts are cutting off circulation to his brain. I mean, I know it's Vivian, but still.

(+4) Victor shows up at Bo's house yelling, "GET OUT OF HERE YOU JACKALS!" (+2) Apparently there's press all over the place. LMAO. Victor tells Bo that he's sorry and that they're going to get Hope all the help she needs. Victor insists that this is Carly's fault! Even though Hope left and was angry WAY before Carly was even back in the picture. That's what I don't understand about people being so quick to blame her. Y'all are basic bitches. (-2) Bo says Victor can blame her all he wants, but the only thing that matters is taking care of Sierra and helping hope. All of a sudden, Maggie shows up to tell them that's the first smart thing either of them had said! Where was she hiding?! Ninja points! (+3) Victor wants Bo to hire the best lawyer he can and bill it to him! "I don't need your damn money!" OMFG, BOSEPH. LOL, he immediately apologizes and tells Victor he loves him, too. Which Maggie points that out to him. How sweet. Mags and Victor go for a walk, and he ignores a call. Probably from Vivian.

(+1) ...And it is Vivian, and she now thanks technology that she's now Victor's own private stalker. Wat. LOL, though.

(+2) Maggie and Victor are on a park bench. She cries about Hope, Victor consoles her, and Vivian finds them on a bench hugging in a great "Oh, you've GOT to be kidding me" kind of moment. LOL. Victor and Maggie agree to a cup of coffee, and Vivian threatens them from behind a tree.(LMAO +4) Back in Maggie's kitchen, she admits to being wrong, and Victor thinks it's impossible! Maggie thinks she was wrong to push Victor away, since they're friends and what's the point of friends if they can't talk?

(+4) Gus (+1) meets Viv at the mansion on her request, and she's complaining about how the redhead has lured Vic into her disgusting world of aprons and donuts. She wants to teach Maggie a lesson, and red doesn't know what she's up against!

(-3) Rafe overhears Elvis talking about his and Sami's engagement and says, "That's never gonna happen," as he walks away. Rafe punches stuff to work out the aggression. Well, it's a punching bag, but the emotion's still there! It's better than breathing really hard to express your frustration (Sami...).

(-5) Sami seems upset that Will doesn't have a more animated reaction to the news of her engagement. SAMI HATES PASSIVE AGGRESSIVENESS. Yes, Sami. Because huffing and puffing like a 5-year-old is how adults handle their anger. Will wonders about Sami's intent behind marrying E.J. and brings up Rafe. He also says that she's not putting her kids first (I'm giving Will points because he's fabulous +5), and the only reason why she's marrying E.J. is because he is the father of two of them. I'd like to take the time to remind us all who broke up Sami and WILL'S FATHER (and Allie's father) first. But, seriously. She doesn't seem to care about Will's feelings. She drove him to move in with Kate in the first place. And she asks him to say something, but gets angry when he does. I don't even know. Sami says that she and E.J. are compatible, and will snarks on her that "so were Dwight and Angela." The reference is lost on Sami, but not on me and Will gets extra points for being ~hip and cool. (+5) She also assures him the engagement has nothing to do with Rafe. Yeah, okay. (-3) Will doesn't want to talk about this anymore, and he doesn't think it's his place. (Plus, Sami doesn't seem to WANT anybody's opinion anyway.)

(+2) I missed a couple scenes in the middle (there was some EJ/Hope in there, I know that much), but now Sami and Will are at the pier smiling at each other and getting along, so I'm confused. But Will is still a smartass, and makes jokes about Sami getting married. Will leaves, and Rafe shows up at the pier and pointedly calls her "Mizzzzz Brady."

(+10) ABE CARVER IS HOPE'S FRIEND. OMG ABE CARVER IN THE BUILDING. Hope is worried about getting special treatment, just because of who she knows, her name, etc. And people keep saying her mind is not in the right place, but I'm like...she's the only one who sees why that's an actual problem. Arianna is already pissed off enough that people treat her like trash, don't give the girl (or anyone else of the disenfranchised in Salem) more reason to be angry. BUT WHO CARES, BECAUSE ABE IS WEARING AN AMERICAN FLAG PIN. PATRIOTISM, THY NAME IS CARVER. (+5)

(+2) Side note: Um, Abe was prescribed the same pills as Hope from the same hole-in-the-wall doctor. I wonder if they're ever going to address that. (-1) Or if they did and I was too busy marveling at Abe's patriotism to notice. Lexie wants time alone with Hope, and Abe isn't a sexist ass about leaving his wife alone with a violent criminal. That's because Abe Carver cares about people without being patronizing. Ah, perfection personified. Lexie hugs Hope and they cry. She tells Hope to take care of herself, without being righteous or telling Hope what to do about her legal trouble the way other people have been. What is it with Carvers being so awesome? Lexie mentions that Theo and Sierra have a play date, and with that she starts to leave. Hope wants Lexie to tell Abe she heard what he said, because WHO wants to let down Abe? NOBODY! (+4)

(-2) Elvis has a crooked...cop. (Whereas Nicole and Hope have a crooked Dick.) Anyway, EJ wants to get in to see hope, and I'm like...if everybody he's hurt/ruined had confrontation time with him, they'd need a take-a-number system. EJ gets into Hope's little holding room, and starts threatening her. (he's so classy -2) She tells him he's wasting his time, since she can't feel any worse than she already does. EJ wants to make sure Hope pays for what she did. Bo walks in and tells him not to threaten his wife.

(-1) Brady is now visiting Hope at the station, and is talking to Hope from an addict's perspective. He tells Hope to never give up. (Okay, +3) He's still wearing this tight shirt, but apparently, his jackass has worn off for the day.

(+8) THE CARVERS ARE PLAYING WITH THE DEMON CHILD SIERRA AT THE "BEACH." EXTRA POINTS. (+5) They talking about how they've talked about having another kid.

(-2) BO SHOWS UP AT THE DIMERA MANSION AND THREATENS TO KILL EJ. (+1) OOH. He wonders if it makes E.J. feel like a man to threaten a woman who's only hanging on by a thread. E.J. goes on blah blah blah, special treatment, blah.

(-3) Sami walks into Rafe's locker room and starts yelling at him, and this other bro that was in there decides he'll go to the shooting range where it's quieter. He tells her, "YOU'RE OUT OF YOUR EVERLOVING MIND!" (+4) for marrying E.J. Sami huffs and puffs. Apparently, Rafe has to accept that they're over. But Sami keeps yelling at him when he's like, YEAH OKAY. She can't have it both ways. And really, Samanther? What's the point, if you're over, you're over. Why does it matter who's to blame? Rafe doesn't believe she's in love with E.J. and he wants to prove it. They kiss passionately. LOL. This will end well.

Housekeeping points and the Grand Total

(-8) There was not enough funny hair for my liking. No tall Chad hair, no crazy Philip hair, no Bumpit. I don't even think there was an abundance of big, soap hair a la Chloe.
(+20) The Carver bonus.
(-10) IDK, I miss Philip.

Today's grand total is 60 POINTS. And yes, it was that glorious. I think my system today works for me, and the score sounds about right in comparison to the old system. So maybe I'll stick with it. Especially since it's not all over the place. I kind of like the other one though, so maybe I'll alternate?

Abe Rating

5 Happy Abes

I don't think I need to elaborate.

Tomorrow in Salem

If Melanie's marriage falls apart, Stephanie is going to lose Nathan. Nothing we all don't know. I don't understand what it is with soap girls who are so desperate to cling on to a guy who will leave them given the chance. (ICU, Gwen Hotchkiss.) Like, on paper, Stephanie could do better. In reality, well, she deserves a lion to bite her head off but that's because she always insists on talking.

Maggie wants to know what is going on between her grandson Nathan and Melanie. Oh-ho-ho. Nathan's hair looks kind of fluffy. All I can say is:

IDK what was going on in the clip, but it looked like E.J. was playing with babbies. Probably preparing to kidnap another one.

Everybody in the whole cell block was dancing to the jailhouse rock.

And I'm back! I haven't done one of these in over a week, because I either kept getting distracted, or I stopped typing because I was raging at the screen so hard. So LOL. I may do a catch-up post to cover the past week or so, but IDK.

On a brighter note, Chad's back! Basically, I'm sick of everyone else. So, yes. This is very good.

(+3) NO TOUCHING! Julie goes to visit Hope in her holding room, and the guard is very set on not letting people hug her. Points for his determination.

(-5) Julie is being fucking annoying. I'm so unsympathetic, lol. I usually like Julie, too. I'm just not keen on her...I don't know if I'd call it entitlement, but that's the word that's coming to mind. Anyway, she's acting really, like, entitled and annoying about this Hope thing.

(+2) Hernandez family meeting, and I take it upon myself to appreciate them since no one else does (well, Gabi is boring and I don't want her to break up #Chill). Rafe doesn't think Arianna is happy about her name being cleared. Arianna is a weird and complex soul, we have to respect that okay!

(+6) Kate and Will have a ridiculously cute grandma moment. She makes fun of his attachment to his phone, and like the business-and-technologically-savvy grammy she is, she helps him find it. Will is looking quite dapper, and he doesn't even have his tie on yet. I say this as a neutral, uninterested observer, because the kid is supposed to be 17.

(+3) Chad sees Stefano at the pub and starts off with small talk - you know, talking about his dead hooker mama over lunch. Nothing too serious.

(+5) EJ is shirtless and wet. Today's episode really doesn't want me to downgrade them automatically for EJami scenes, so they're trying to distract me. He puts his shirt on, but it's okay, because his shorts are HILARIOUS.

(+7) Oh, also, they're at the "beach," which we know is a moderate-to-big ticket item!

(+2) Points for the phrase "happy as a clam!" I don't care about the context, but E.J. says "happy as a clam" and I'm LMAO.

(-4) Sami knows what E.J. is up to, and she won't let him get away with it. She's probably going to accuse him of doing something incredibly sweet, and I'll vom.

(+3) Stef tries to brush of Chad, and he's like WHY DO YOU WANT TO KNOW SO MUCH ABOUT HER HOOKER DAYS. YOU ARE A STRANGE CHILD. You know, I feel like they've been talking about this for too long, but then I remember that Chad hasn't been on in awhile, so this same conversation is probably dragging out in multiple scenes a LOT LESS than other peoples' do.

(-2) They cut the scene before Chad's hair gets any taller. Sad. This is the first time we've seen Chad in a while, and I want to savor the moment okay.

(-5) Sami cries about the pressure to get married to Elvis. Uggggggh, I'm bored. Cut back to Kate, now, please.

(+4) Sami daydreams about Rafe. YAY RAFE! Needs more Nicole. EJ interrupts Samantha's thoughts. Because really, what good is your woman if she has them?

(+5) Arianna has a bone to pick with Hope. Because, OH HELL NO. Arianna lost her freedom, and she doesn't believe the story that Hope didn't know what she was doing, and Hope WILLINGLY framed her for her crimes, and who does this bitch think she is just because she has a prestigious name! She is going to go confront Hope, and thank god, because I'm tired of Brady right now and everyone else around Hope is so goddamn annoying that Ari is a welcome change. EYES WILL GLISTEN LIKE THEY HAVE NEVER BEFORE. I CAN'T WAIT.

(+2) She also called Hope a psycho, so this amuses me. I'm excited, if you can't tell.

(-1) Everyone's so overprotective of Hope. Julie's getting on my damn nerves. Thankfully, Hope sends her away telling her to take care of Sierra. I'm sorry, but once you've kidnapped John Black and held him captive on a submarine, I don't buy that you're too weak to handle a little jailtime. I don't mean this against Hope, I'm just really annoyed with the people who don't think she deserves to be punished at all. There's only so much you can do to defend her, like it or not, Hope did the crimes. AND she admits that the anger wasn't just something brought about by the drugs, so Nighttime Hope really was just, like another side of real Hope or something. IDK. I only took away one point, because Hope did get rid of Julie.

(-3) Now Sami is feeling guilty about her part in the whole baby mama drama. We're still talking about that? Oh.

(-5) WHAT THE FUCK, SAMI. SHUT UP. YOU ARE STUPID. I'm sure previously being forced into a marriage with a Dimera and you know... rape, are pretty good reasons to NOT want to raise a kid with one. And even AFTER you had Sydney or "Grace," it's not like E.J. was so reformed then. It wasn't even that long ago. I clearly remember him doing some pretty spectacularly bad things of which Sami is aware, after Sydney was born. Like having Philip get shot. Or having Stephanie kidnapped, which yeah we know I hate Stephanie, but I'm not about to give the guy an award for a good deed.

(-7) EW{)ETWoksdoijiotrjoijr NOOOOOO. Sami suddenly tells E.J. she'll marry him, and he gets all wide eyed as if she just found out that he kidnapped a baby or something. Like he would ever do...oh, wait.

(+3) Will looks for Stefano, but his lover Chad already scared Mr. Dimera away. They talk about the dead hooker some more.

(+1) Stefano shows up at the mansion, and Kate's like "Boo you whore, you were supposed to have lunch with young William!" He explains that Chad ambushed him at the pub.

(+4) "You ran away from a teenage boy." Kate knows what's up.

(+5) Kate just suggested prayer to Stefano, hoping that the problems with Maddie and her secrets are behind them. And IRONY, they cut right back to E.J. and Sami. May god have mercy on their souls. Extra points for hilarious juxtaposition of scenes.

(-3) Sami ACTUALLY runs into Rafe at the beach this time (it's not one of her smutty daydreams) and she's all smiles and HI!. LOL you bitch.

(+5) Chad needs business experience to get into one of his business classes. Will quips, "Do you need surgery to get into med school?!" or something like that. IDK they're so cute tho. Will has him take a look at the project Stefano has him working on, because Will doesn't think it's fair that he has a huge opportunity and Chad's the one that needs it.

(-4) Charles. Eww.

(+1) Arianna wants to know why Hope hates her. Poor scorned women of Salem, they have such complicated lives.

(-5) Charles is gross. And now he's refusing to spend time with Chad and doesn't want to drive down to North Carolina with him like they planned.

(+2) Stefano and Will meet at the mansion. Stefano comments on Will's gentlemanly attire. Will wants to work with Chad on whatever project he's doing, and Stefano doesn't want Chad on board.

(+6) GODDAMN, ARIANNA. I'm about to fist pump in admiration. Okay, I actually feel bad for Hope, in a twist of events, but from Ari's point of view - Hope completely believed Ari was guilty, gave her no benefit of the doubt - unless to say, "I understand why you did it, you're angry!", and now people don't want to punish Hope, while Ari had to sit in jail forever.

(-4) Sami yells at Rafe a little bit for not thinking E.J. is a saint, but I can't help but remember who told him all about the evil Dimeras first. She blames herself for the whole baby fiasco, but Rafe shouldn't think anything wrong of E.J. LOGIC. It is not native to Samantha's brain.

(-1) Stefano's being outsmarted by Will. Like, seriously Stefano, if you didn't want Chad to work with Will because of his FATHER, then why did you run out on the kid at the Pub. Hmmm, questions. Stefano is not as sharp as he used to be, and hasn't talked his way out of this yet.

(+3) Arianna tells Hope that in her experience (let's not forget, Arianna's been to jail and has gang experience and knows a lot of criminals!), people who do truly evil things like Hope did have a lot of hate and shit in their hearts and whatnot. LMAO now Hope is going to think that she was evil all along, isn't she? Where's Princess Gina! Ari doesn't want to believe Hope, and whatever haters, she has no reason to. Because she knows what we know - everyone's all about poor Hope and trying, and nobody cares that Arianna didn't do anything.

(-3) Rafe is reminding Sami that of her past with E.J. and why she was in witness protection in the first place, and she's pissed at him for not being happy for her and E.J. I'm sure she's yelling back at him about something else, but I can't be bothered to care.
20
(+1) I can give Doug a little bit of a pass because it's his daughter, but still. Don't you teach your kids to take responsibility? She's being really hard on herself, but her reaction is the most understandable. Like, she wants to plead guilty because she IS. Nobody else seems to get that.

(+1) Anyway, Hope breaks down into more tears and Doug wants to comfort her but the guard is still like, "NO TOUCHING!" More points for the guard.

(+3) But Doug's like, "PUH-LEASE" and he crosses to the other side of the table to comfort her. I'll give Doug the badass points.

(-3) Chad's telling Kate about the day he had straight A's and how his dad was never proud of him and that he just doesn't want the kid around. OMG TEARS. Kate's all sad and sympathetic, and she knows that Charles isn't Chad's daddy. Negative points because Charles sucks and once Chad started telling his story about how his dad never cared about any of his accomplishments, I knew I'd be all "POOOOOR CHAAAAD!"

(-3) Sami thinks Rafe doesn't love the REAL her. LOL, I'm sure she loves the REAL E.J. (LOL she doesn't even love phony nice guy E.J., which she pretty much admitted) And while we're at it - whatever. E.J. puts ~SAMANTHER~ up on SUCH a pedestal, and Rafe's just like, "Sami, you're being an idiot and you're capable of better. Also, I love you and I'll do anything for you."

(+1) Gabi is giving Arianna smart advice. LMAO. Basically, Gabi tells Ari that when she went to jail when they were younger, she was so pissed at her for being so stupid, and their mom convinced Gabi to forgive Ari, and Ari should do the same for Hope so she doesn't hold that anger in or something. IDK. IDK, but it sounded solid.

(-1) Sami walks in on Will working on his project and remembers that she has other kids who aren't E.J.'s. She tells him about Elvis's proposal, and Will's too good of a kid to call her the many names I've been calling her all day.

(-2) Aww, E.J. is on the phone with Stefano, and Rafe walks onto the pier with a smirk. E.J. is telling his father that he and Sami are engaged, and Rafe looks so sad.

Bonus points, deductions, and our grand total!

(+8) Technically, I do have to give a shirtless bonus, and a beach bonus. Even though it was a sneaky tactic to distract me from the Sami/EJ mess.
(-20) No Abe Carver, no Lexi. What a disastuh.
(+17) Chill points, though, because I love them. And you know what? I'm throwing in extra points because the most Regal Salem couple, Kate and Stefano (not to be confused with the First Family of Salem, the Carvers.), both got to interact with both Will and Chad.

I think that means today got a score of 22. I thought it would be higher since I was practically throwing the points at Arianna and Will/Chad. But I guess Sami won't be doing DOOL's average any favors until Lucas comes back for good (not happening anytime soon, sadly) or she finally dumps E.J. allowing him to be the amazingly crazy and ridiculous villain we know he can be.

Abe Rating

2 Happy Abes

IDK how happy Abe REALLY is, what with Hope being a mugger and Sami being completely oblivious, but Chad is probably a Dimera, which makes him practically a Carver, which makes Chill scenes good for the Abe ratings.

Next time in Salem

Bo tells E.J. "don't threaten my wife!" Where is Sami to defend her fiance?

Vivian thinks she needs to teach someone a lesson. I would pay for "burying people alive" lessons.

Rafe is in sweats, so I'm guessing he has to work out through his depression. "I guess congratulations are in order." Sami, you are so cruel to him.

It's a love story, baby just say yes? (Oh god, please don't.)

Today, Sami is *thisclose* to becoming a Taylor Swift song. Hope's behavior is confusing. And the Carvers remind us what it's like to be American. Enjoy!

(-2) Brady meets nicole at the pub and Brady tells her he saw Baker. Nicole tries to convince him that he's crazy. Brady wants to get him. LOL at his constant need to be the hero.

(+8) Abe Carver and Theo are at the station, but are getting ready to go watch a baseball game! They are an all-American family. Truly iconic.

(+7) Stefano arrives at the station, and sees the First Family together. He tells Abe all about his good behavior, and how he didn't fight the police when they called him down to the station. He is ridiculously cute with Theo and gives him a vocabulary lesson. Alibi means that "No-no has done nothing wrong!" OMG I want to be Stefano's grandkid. Except without the crime and stuff. Or with the crime, whatever. I just don't want to go the way of Tony, you know?

(-3) Sami goes rejects Elvis's somewhat-proposal that popped up out of nowhere. EJ points out that they're all living under the same roof as ~family. They keep talking about how kids want their parents to be together and Johnny's acting out, and blah, blah, blah this is a disastuh.

(-3) EJ's hair is trying to be Philip. No wonder he shaved it. He's telling Sami that "If I ask you to marry me, you will know." Ugh, where's the Stoli. I need to start drinking during these scenes.

(+2) Speaking of drinking, Vivian comes home and sees Victor tossing back a few. She asks about Bo, and Victor snaps at her saying it could have been her doing, for all he knows. See, Victor is suffering a case of cockblock and the cold sting of redheaded rejection and he's taking it out on the old ball and chain.

(+3) Carly asks what Bo remembers. He smelled gasoline. He's all wide-eyed and confused looking. He's staring at Hope in a daze. This is so amusing, because I don't actually know the difference in awareness levels between this semi-conscious Bo and normal Bo.

(-6) EJ pretty much tells Samantha that he's GOING to propose sometime. And he's telling her exactly what he'll do when he proposes, and Sami's trying to make her eyes glisten as much as Theresita Arianna. Gurrrrl, you can try all you want. Nobody has Lindsay Hartley beat in that area.

(+3) Vivian tells Victor if she were going to murder someone, she'd be much more efficient! Victor says that he knows it wasn't Vivian that he knows it wasn't her, because he keeps tabs on her at all times. She's touched by this, but we know he doesn't mean it affectionately. Points for Vivian, because she basically said "I'd do a much better job at murder than whoever THIS amateur~ is!"

(+10) "I always know where you are. SO I CAN AVOID YOU!" "BULLFEATHERS!!!!" "You haven't spoken the truth since Jimmy Carter was in the white house!" "Don't bring love into this, I'm going to lose my lunch." The base score for Victor's one-liners goes WAY up when done in combination. OMFG this is amazing. That's like a Quad-Quad-Quad-Quad.

(+2) Carly is trying to get Bo to remember what happened when he was attacked. He says he saw Sierra. SIERRA ATTACKED HIM! OMFG. No, he just remembered talking to Sierra last night. I would love to see Sierra pouring gasoline all over the place. She already looks like a demon child.

(-4) Hope! Bo and Sierra were talking about Hope. Hope looks like she's panicking, which makes no sense because Daytime Hope doesn't know what she did.

(+4) Sami, thankfully for my sanity, is glad he's not proposing because they're not ready. THEY'RE NOT EVEN ACTUALLY TOGETHER. WHAT THE FUCK.

(+2) Elvis's eyes are wide. He is either angry or thirsty. IDK, but I'm really amused at how clearly unhappy he is that Sami doesn't want to marry him.

(+6) BRADY SAYS NICOLE IS "SHAKING LIKE A LEAF." SHE GETS A MILLION PAULA ABDUL POINTS. I need to find the conversion rate from Paula points to Abe points. Anyway, he's bringing up all the shit that Nicole did, like the baby switch, because Dr. Baker (we all call him Dick, now. Get with the program, Brady) had a large role in all her crimes and he should pay. I took away some points because he wants Dick to go down (giggle), but I remember when he was defending Nicole left and right even though she was just as guilty.

(-4) Another Dickole phone call interrupts Brady and Nic's romantic lunch at THE BRADY PUB. My god, Brady, go woo your woman at some place fancy. Or do something special, have a picnic at the "beach!" Oh wait, that's been done. Go for a nice country drive or something, IDEK.

(-2) Bo's eyes are glistening as Carly asked what happened when he came home. And I guess they're already sorely missing Arianna and she's not even gone yet.

(-4) Hope yells out for Bo and Carly to STOP! I don't understand this. She says it's too much stress for Bo, but it's making her look suspicious and we know that she doesn't know what she's done, so why is she acting so suspicious. UGH. Come on, show. At least make some sense.

(+2) Caroline shows up at Bo's and looks angry. She's wondering wtf they're all doing at the house. Together. I would be confused too, and I'd be really glad that relaxation techniques are not euphemisms.

(+2) Dick tells Nicole about his run-in with Brady. Nicole calls Dick "Jane" and keeps telling him to do what she told him to do. Dickole lives.

(-2) BRADY, DO YOU HAVE TO KNOW EVERYTHING ABOUT NICOLE'S WORK. "Oooh, I don't know a Jane." He's so nosy. Nicole leaves in a hurry, because Brady's being really annoying (and also because she's freaking out and making sure Dick won't ruin her life, I guess).

(-2) After getting fed up with Viv's insults toward Maggie, Victor calls his marriage a business arrangement and nothing more. And Vivian laments. Vivian, not!Ivan adores you. Why do you stick around hoping Victor will stop hating you a little less?

(-2) Caroline bitches out Carly a bit, and then storms out, and I again don't like what they're doing to her character.

(+5) Hope leaves soon after Caroline, saying she has to get Sierra's stuff ready for her camping trip, and Bo makes sure security is on that list. LMAO, that is a strange-ass camping trip.

(+1) Carly refuses to let Bo leave the house, and Bo's like "Bitch, you don't know my life!"

(-1) Sami is moping at the pub, and talks to Caroline. WHEN DID SHE CHANGE CLOTHES? I liked the purple better, tbh.

(+3) Caroline asks what E.J.'s done now, and jokingly asks if he proposed because that would just be CRAZY. I like this Caroline better. Sami stares back at Caroline in shock.

(+3) Stefano practically calls Sami a golddigger, and all she wants to do is live rent-free. LMAO, I am inclined to agree in the sense that Sami really needs to get her own life together and be independent before she runs off and marries some guy. E.J. tells him he wants to marry Samanther, and Stefano is not happy.

(+2) Dick calls Hope, but uh, she's Daytime Hope so this is going to be awkward. YAY FOR WEIRD SORT-OF ONE-SIDED PHONE CONVERSATIONS!

(-1) Brady follows Nicole out the pub, because he's in creepy stalker mode. She admits that she left because of the Dick talk. She doesn't like being reminded of her past - porn, baby-switching and all.

(+2) LMAO, Hope is so confused and Dick keeps talking to her, because he thinks she's playing dumb because someone's with her. He warns her that he's been spotted.

(+1) Caroline asks Sami why she looks so unhappy if E.J. is as great as Sami keeps saying he is. Sami says that she's still in love with RAAAFE! Ugh, it's about time you at least admitted it. Why can't you just go after what you actually want and stop dragging out this shit.

(+7) STEFANO IS CURSING AT E.J. IN ITALIAN. I LOVE HIM.

(-2) E.J. declares that he's going to marry Sami, and Stefano wishes God's mercy on his son's soul. BWAHAHAHAHA. Negative points for E.J., though.

(+1) Carly asks hope to talk to Bo, because she might get through to him. Hope doesn't think he gives a damn, and what the hell, Hope? His happy place is the Fancy Face. You are dumb.

(+3) Bo gets to the station hugs his future son-in-law, Theo (he and Sierra are so destined, we all know this). Abe tells him they're going to the baseball game, and has trouble remembering the name of the triple-A team that's playing. It's the COUGARS! I was hoping that the name "Cougars" would trigger Bo's memory about Hope attacking him tbh. #missedopportunities right there.

(-1) WALLET! TREASURES! SIERRA! Bo somehow manages to put together Theo's string of words, but just barely. It should not be impossible, because they're pretty clear if you ask me. I'm surprised that Bo managed that much, but really dude. Just figure it out, it's totally right in front of your face.

(+4) SERIOUSLY, CAROLINE SAYS THE SMARTEST THING EVER. Why would Sami even think about marrying E.J. if she's in love with someone else? Remember the last time they were "married" because she was forced into it? When she was still in love with LUCAS. OMG, this is making me too bitter. Let's move on.

(-1) Brady wonders why Nicole would freak out over the talk about Dick Baker. Brady is not smart. I mean, even if we didn't know she was freaking out because Baker has a new secret of hers to expose, wouldn't Brady think the memory of everything that Nicole did would upset her? AND HE KEEEEEPS BRINGING IT UP. Da fuq, dude. You have no game at all.

(+2) Hope just wants to find out who tried to kill Bo! And in walks Vivian to point the finger at Carly. LOL bitch is crazy. Hope just raises her eyebrow in what might be annoyance.

(+1) Theo tells Bo about Sierra's "Treasures from mommy!" He means Sierra's mommy, not his own. Lexie isn't into the murder, she's a doctor. And she's past her baby-switching days, I hope. Bo, are you putting this together? Because Theo's doing all your work for you.

Bonus points, deductions

(-10) Because it's totally embarrassing that Theo and Sierra have had the mystery solved forever, and Bo's just now getting around to it AND BARELY, at that.
(-15) E.J.'s hair is going the way of Philip's, but it just doesn't have the same pizazz.
(+20) Abe Carver bonus! No Lexie, but we did get Lexie's father being super adorable with Theo.

That gives us a score of, I THINK, 41 points. There were a lot of high-scoring elements, but the lack of artistry brought down the overall performance.

Abe Rating

2 Happy Abes

As exciting as Abe's American life is, he just wishes the rest of Salem could be as cool as he is. JFC, Salem, get it together. When Abe Carver is your mayor, I don't see how you can be so hung up on lesser issues.

Previews

Sami's confused, E.J. doesn't want to be pushed, and Carly yells! YAY!

You need to watch the way you talking to me, yo

I was going to score this episode, but it's already super late and I don't want to deal with calculators tonight. I know, I know. You're judging me hard.



Anyway, if you want to give me a ballpark idea of how you'd score it, feel free! Maybe I'll trade estimates.

Today in Salem, Bo insists on leaving the hospital, and Carly yells at him. This is the most bf/gf-y they've acted in a long time.

Hope cries about Sierra almost losing her daddy, and justin hugs her. "We're going to find who did this!" LMAO, yeah okay Justin. Just like you found out who mugged you after Sierra told you who has your wallet. ...Oh, wait.

Our favorite Dick reads the headline about Bo's attack. He flashes back to his lady love (lol, this still creeps me out w/e) yelling at him about how not under control this is and for calling the cops. Back in present time, Dick says that she hates him and is certifiably nuts, so why can't he get her out of her mind? I love the people who want them together. Right on, you little weirdos! You're awesome.

Elvis is on the phone with Nicole, and she wants money in exchanges for her silence. Nicole snarks at him, like the adorable drunk she is. E.J. makes his best angry face and refuses to play butler to her every whim for the rest of her life! But he has no problem being Sami's. Oh, I see.

Rafe figures out that the code from Nicole's diary points to different locations. "It's all over, E.J. Thanks to Nicole, I gotcha." See, there's a guy who knows how to give credit to Nicole where credit is due!

Bald, black guy whose name I don't know inquires about Rafe's code-deciphering skills. Rafe says that they're addresses for banks all over the country, and a bus station in Salem - she has a locker, and clearly she's blackmailing E.J. And you all thought he wouldn't figure this out! Take two points away from yourselves if you didn't think he could! Now he can find out what Nicole knows and destroy bbDimera.

BBG: "And then what?" Rafe thinks we'll just have to see from there. That's right, bro. Don't get your hopes up higher than Hope's bumpit, because Sami... really. Even Lucas and Austin couldn't lock that shit down. Speak of the Brady, Sami shows up at Rafe's office with babby Johnny Dimera in tow.

E.J. continues his phone sex (oh, she's not running a 900 number?)call with Nicole, and tries to sound strategic by telling her not to overplay a good hand. There's innuendo in that somewhere, right? He thinks he can ruin things for her and Brady. (With what proof, Elvis? Really, I'd like to know.)

"If you pull the trigger, so will I!" Nicole thinks he doesn't mean metaphorically. No, Nicole. You know what he'll do: get blood all over your clothes and PRETEND you're dead. That's what he did with Sydney, non? Well, whatever. He's threatening to kill her, blah blah blah.

LOL, Carly's LITERALLY blocking Bo's way out the door and not letting him leave his hospital room. That's what I like about her. She's substantially able to do so. If Hope tried that shit, she'd better hold on to the door frame tight, because a gust of wind (indoors...idk) would blow her out of Beauregard's way.

Bo wants to find out who attacked him, and Carly wants him to stay safe inside his airtight, soundproof cellar vault thingy under the Dimera mansion hospital room. Victor walks in. I'll give this element positive GOE if he insults Carly. Extra if I think it sounds sexist, aaaaand GO: "Hell has frozen over! Carly and I actually agree on something!" ...hmmm, backhanded compliment. I'll take it! I love Bo's annoyance.

Justin to Hope: "I WANT you to lean on me." OMG. Stop throwing yourself at her. Even Dick has more of a chance with Hope. And I mean, I know Nighttime Hope kissed Justin, but she seemed more genuinely touched by Dick's feelings for her (LMAO, I still laugh. I'm 12.)

Rafe is kind of adorable because Johnny wanted to take a picture of the fingerprint machine for Show and Tell, and Rafe looks genuinely happy. And he jokes that Johnny could just take the 40 pound machine with him, because LOOK AT THOSE GUNS!

Maggie and Brady have a heart-to-heart because she is every addict's sponsor in Salem. Whatever Dick drugged him with however long ago is still affecting his body apparently, because his body thinks he relapsed. But she also wants to talk about Nicole, and really? Not to sound cheesy, because I don't mean it in a sweet way, but Brady is SO addicted to Nicole. Even more so than I am.

LMAO, Nicole shows up at the mansion, and he's like IT'S ABOUT TIME, DID YOU STOP FOR A DRINK ON THE WAY. While Nicole is a sloppier drunk than usual, I'm clappy hands at such casual references to her drunkenness.

Carly leaves Victor alone with Bo, and THERE IT IS! Victor tries to see if there's any possible way somebody's just trying to get back at Carly for killing Lawrence. (LOL, no1 currr, Victor. Except for Vivian.) Bo is NOT having this, okay. He won't let Victor blame Carly, but Victor does state that whoever attacked Bo will be sorry they were ever born. Oooh, chills.

Daytime Hope is crying and flailing her arms around, so I think she's sad about Bo's attack. Justin stop rubbing her. This is creepy. He wants to give her whatever she ~needs. Ew.

LMAO, Hope wants space and Justin thought she wanted the opposite. She looks at him like he's completely deluded. I laugh and laugh. He goes on about their kiss, and she is completely clueless.

Brady doesn't understand what Nicole has to do with his sobriety, and he demonstrates his confusion with his signature hand gestures.

Maggie tells him we all know Nicole will do anything to get him, and he looks confused as she tells him he's "too smart to bite, right?"

"Again, buh-rilliant deduction, you are a constant revelation EJ." Elvis thinks he has as much power over Nic as she does over him. Um, EJ YOU HAVE NO PROOF!

She reminds him of that very fact, and she says he HAS to pay her. He tells her he'll give her a one-time payoff, and if those tapes ever surface, he'll kill her. "You're such a buzzkill, EJ. You know that?!" LMAO I LOVE HER.

Rafe and Sami have an awkward moment, and he insists that he has to get back to work. "You don't have two minutes for a friend?" LOL Sami. A friend? Really. He says he's doing all this for her, and she weakly asks "for me?" NO, SAMI. Rafe's never tried to do anything for you ever! Don't look so shocked.

Nicole hears Sydney crying, which upsets her. Sympathy points. She misses Sydney, and really, I think it's a sad scene without being overdramatic. I'm not even snarking right now.

"What are you doing besides throwing me out of your office?" Geez, Samanther. So petty.

Rafe scoffs at her, and she thinks he's sending mixed signals about wanting to be part of her kids' lives and shit. I'm sure he'll explainy in a few seconds. He raises his voice a few decibles to tell her that he loves her kids, but E.J. doesn't want him around them. You can't have it both ways, Sami! You have to make a choice! This is the same thing Carrie told you a month ago, Sami!

LMAO SAMI STORMS OUT. YES, REALLY SAMANTHA! Listen to Rafe repeat Carrie's advice and PICK ONE. I mean, Carrie DID get the man, so she should know what she's talking about right. (I still think she took the wrong guy with her, but whatever. Not the point. Carrie and Mike forever, though. Sorry, Austin. I do hope you and Carrie are quite happy.)

Hahahahaaaa, Hope thinks Justin's talking about their kiss months ago when they were sneaking around in Vivian's room looking for incriminating evidence and shit, and staged a kiss when Vivian caught them so that she wouldn't REALLY know what they were doing in her room. There's that history lesson I really didn't want to relive.

And now she's telling him, she might never be able to move on from Bo. OUCH. I'm laughing so hard right now.

Carly gets Bo home, and he patronizes her a bit about it not being so difficult to let him go home. She was patronizing first, so this is a relationship of equals. He doesn't want to wait for anyone to find his attacker, so he's trying to solve the mystery himself. Detective Bo at least knows that the attack happened in the house, and whatever happened, happened.... AND HE DOESN'T FINISH THE SENTENCE. OH THE SUSPENSE.

Brady tells Maggie that he actually believes Nicole is trying to be a better person. She shakes her head. She's not a cynic, she's just skeptical. Totally. Brady gets a phone call that he has to take. He says he'll tell "this person" he'll call them back. "Yeah, that person." Maggie, you clever lady. You know the only person calling Brady is Nicky.

Johnny wants to wear his jacket in the house, and Sami tells him no, it's too hot. Johnny now thinks it's hot and he wants a popsicle. Sami refuses. ROOOOOD. JUST SO YOU KNOW, I AM NOT AN ADVOCATE OF DENYING ANYONE OF POPSICLES. (E.J. was about to let him have one, just so you know.)

E.J. takes Sami's side because he's whipped. If Sami says no, she means no. Johnny says she always says no, and calls her mean. OMG, is he acting out because he misses Rafe?

Hope shows up outside Bo's house, while he and Carly are inside. Bo sees a picture of him and Hope with Alice, and suddenly has a pain in his head.

Carly wants to try some relaxation techniques to get rid of the headache and maybe help him remember, just as Hope walks into the house unannounced. LOL.

Nicole senses Brady's tension, and lets him off the phone. Maggie snarks at Brady a little bit about Nicole, and he wants to drop the subject. Which prompts her to yell at him and throw advice at him! What a firecracker of a lady.

Her advice does not sound like advice, she's just telling him about the aspects of his recent behavior that she finds worrisome. Maggie, I don't think the word "advice" means what you think it means.

There's a knock at the door, and she tells him to hold that thought! "It was yourrrr thought..." OH, BRADY, YOU SASSED AT MAGGIE. OH MY GOD, I'M SO PROUD OF YOU RN. All you need is cantaloupes and you can be a believable Joan.

I love how Maggie is warning Brady about Nicole, but she's so friendly with Victor - you know, who has always been the kindest, most warmhearted human being ever and all. I love you Maggie, and I enjoy Victor/Maggie, BUT REALLY? LOL.

Victor tells her that Bo has been released from the hospital and was about to make a pass at the fiery redhead, but he notices his grandson lurking about and how uncool is it trying to work your game with your GRANDSON watching.

NIC AND DICK. NIC AND DICK! Nicole feigns sadness at the news of him leaving town, but she knows he needs her to give him money to leave. She doesn't think giving him money will get rid of him for good. He thinks she could make her life miserable, but she threatens his life and tells him to "keep lying low, or he'll be lying underground!" NICOLE HAS AMAZING LINES TODAY OKAY. Dickole for life, y'all.

E.J. pays the kid to apologize for calling Sami mean. Well, we don't have proof that he did, but I think he did. Sami thinks so too, because she doesn't think her kid actually would apologize to her. She and E.J. remark at what wonderful parents they are. Okay, then.

Hope has an awkward moment walking in on Bo and Carly's "relaxation exercises" and Carly invites her to stay to ask questions if he remembers anything. OMG, A THREESOME!!!!! ...oh, Hope is too much of prude to partake.

Brady leaves because he doesn't want to see his grandpa macking on his addiction sponsor. Victor realizes he probably should have left instead of Brady, and Maggie agrees. LOL, smoooooth. Maggie's worried about him, and Victor talks about what an influence she is on Brady. She think she blew it with the Nicole talk.

LAMO, Nicole checks her savings account for EJ's payoff. She cheers in excitement over being rich, but we all know she's just checking Twitter and she's really freaking out because Kanye West is finally on twitter, and it is amazing.

Bo tells his wife not to be a prude, and that it's just "relaxing" to get rid of his headache. She should stay and help! She agrees to, and apparently this is not a threesome. Carly is doing some posture and breathing exercises. If Marlena Evans were still in Salem, she'd be hypnotizing him and shit. Damn, are these exercises why Carly is usually so calm? Because she is usually waaay too nice and understanding and shit, and I was wondering how she does it.

She tells Bo to think of a pleasurable memory, and snap, it's of him and Hope sailing on the Fancy Face.

Victor thinks it's impossible for Maggie to do wrong, and she thinks he puts her on a pedestal. "That's where you belong!" Damn, boy. That's a line. She is not having it, though, and she tells him he belongs at home with his lovely wife (Crazy Vivian, if you've forgotten!)

Brady sees Dick at the pier, and that's not a gun and he's not happy to see him.

Rafe checks the bus station locker, but it's empty. "One step ahead of me, but not for long! I'm gonna get you." Meaning, he wants her for herself, yes? Come on, he has to admire Nicole's prowess here. She's skilled! Is he not a little turned on.

Sami is shocked that E.J. is complimenting her. Girl, where have you been? She notes that she doesn't have her life together - omg, we agree. She is apparently upset that Johnny is sassing back at her, and he (OMG WAT EVEN LOL) wanted to talk to the judge to tell him that he loves his daddy more than his mommy. E.J. exclaims that he said the exact opposite to him. That kid is sneaky and manipulative. He takes after his parents.

They talk about the downfalls of joint custody, and E.J. brings up marriage. Sami freaks out, as she should. Because OMG WHAT EVEN, ELVIS? Ew.

She asks Bo where he is (in his memories and all), and he tells her that he's on the Fancy Face with Hope. Ouch. She seems a little hurt that the pain is gone because of Hope. Aww, I know she never should have gotten into the whole Bo thing so soon after Hope, but I actually feel bad for her in the sense that she never really deluded herself about him. Yet, she's still here. When are they freeing up Daniel? (I'm guessing another six months or so, ugh.) She then fast-forwards him to last night (which was, like, years ago to us) and asks what he remembers. AAAAAND, we cut to previews. Ugh, cockblockers.

Tomorrow in Salem

In the previews, Brady tells Nicole that Dick has to go down. And I giggle at the 16-year-old boy humor I have going on. Sami asks if E.J. is proposing, and oh god please no. And Carly asks Bo what he remembers, and the sight of this furry, wide-eyed man is comical.

Do you think EJ's new hair do will turn into a faux-Fox-try-to-keep-Kay-by-pretending-to-die-of-cancer storyline. If so, do you think such a lame plotline on Passions would actually seem exciting on Days?

Oh my god, I can't even. While I would believe James did that to himself, I wouldn't be shocked at all if E.J. pulled that kind of stunt with Sami.

I don't think I can objectively watch a similar plotline on Days because the Fox one made me rage so much at how horrible it was. But... I must say, if Days tried it, I think I'd find E.J. ridiculously and unintentionally funny in the role.

Ask me anything

I was going to throw up rewritten Elvis lyrics here, but eh lazy.

Stefano says Katharine is obsessed with Maddie's death. Kate feels bad for Chad and Stefano thinks it's tragic, but they barely know him and Maddie dying removes the threat.

Chad wants to talk to Mrs. Dimera. His facial hair is making him look older. And dirtier. I'm waiting for him to angst so much that he ends up driving off on a motorcycle.

Hernandez family meeting.

Chloe shows up at Maggie's. Melanie leaves Philip and Chloe alone to "talk" about the fight she and Daniel had.

Chloe would have come clean if it weren't for her protecting Philip? Oh writers, I don't believe that's the case. Excuse me if I'm a little suspicious.

Kate thinks Chad is an innocent young man, and Stefano doesn't feel any compassion for Chad, therefore CLEARLY he is Chad's father. Right? I toyed with the idea of him being Tony's, but IDK IDK. I'm sure he's Stefano's babby.

OOH, Stefano just talked of obliterating enemies. Is Kate too soft to be a Dimera?

The Hernandez kids are going to talk about EJ.

Brady stalks Nicole and shows up at her place. With a plant. If this were Veronica Mars, I'd be convinced there's a bug. Nicole offers Brady a soda, but I don't know where she's going to get it. I think she just walked into the bathroom, but who knows. Salem room and board is dubious.

Remember a few weeks ago when Philip almost came clean with Melanie, and Chloe shrieked and convinced him not to do it? The roles are reversed now, and I'm close to hanging myself because I'm pretty sure all these conversations are interchangeable, because they're ALL THE SAME.

While I eat lunch, Chad confronts Kate asking about his mother. Stefano seems to be giving Will a job. Brady tries to read Nicole's diary.

Ari explains her attachment to E.J. to Rafael. While he was away, Elvis was the only one who stood by her the whole time, blah blah blah. She thinks he's complicated and trying to do better, and Rafe admits that maybe she's right. Oh, Rafe. All your womens are flocking to Elvis.

Brady wants to "help" Nicole find a nicer living situation, but Nicole is adamant about being independent. Good for her. Brady, stop looking for situations where you have to save her lol.

Chloe compliments Daniel on being a good dad to Melanie, and she thinks Melanie is great. Clappy hands for Chloe!

Kate wants Chad to remember that Maddie loved him and wanted the best. Chad: "BUT STILL!" Kate tells him that worrying about her past in his grief is beside the point.

Oh, I better get my obligatory "Poor Chad! :'(" in here somewhere.

Brady pries into Nicole's business a little bit, the usual. They make a lunch date instead.

Arianna leaves, and she's glad that they could talk. "Benefit of the doubt? AS IF!" LOL RAFE.

Daniel buys Mel earrings for graduating nursing school (already?!) and Melanie tries to talk about him and Chloe some more.

Kate thinks Chad has a lot of courage, and Chad wants to have these kinds of talks with Kate now. So Stefano is grooming Will and Kate is taking Chad under her majestic blue-streaked Adam Lambert wing (LOL Lauren Koslow is legend). Let's get this rivalry-turned-friendship-turned-romance-(if only in my head)-turned-rivalry-turned-epic-love-story moving!!! I hope at some point Chad gets a motorcycle and a leather jacket. Will can get some fancy car from Stefano. Or an airplane.

He's about to leave and opens the door. Stefano is shocked to see him. If he were anyone BUT Stefano, he'd be doing an awkward nervous laugh.

Philip sits on a bench at what could either be the pier or the park, they're pretty much the same anyway. He imagines what would happen if he tells Melanie the truth. "YOU HAVE TO UNDERSTAND! I THOUGHT YOU WERE IN LOVE WITH NATHAN!" "YOU RUINED MY LIFE! YOU RUINED MY DAD'S LIFE!" "MELANIE I LOVE YOU!" "WE'RE DONE! *SLAAAAP!*" LMAO, I LOVE THIS SHOW.

AAAHAHAHA. Carly schedules Chloe's paternity test across town at St. Mary's for tomorrow and WHAT DO YOU KNOW, Daniel is asked to do a skingraft surgery tomorrow across town AT ST. MARY'S! OH, AND HE INVITES MELANIE ALONG TO OBSERVE!!! It's a Jonas family outing. How quaint.

Rafe apparently has found something on Nicole. I'd bet it's not exactly what we know.

No Carver family, no Hope's pjs.