And I was like baby, baby, baby NOOOO!

This recap is twelve hours late, simply because I managed to miss 15 minutes of the show today. This is soap math, it doesn't have to make sense.

Speaking of soap math, I've decided to judge the episode using my totally scientific, unbiased, arbitrary point system. Everything has a base point value, and I give or take points based on execution. This will end well.

(+5) Old married couple Stefano and Kate. Why are these people so strangely cute, even when they're arguing? I don't even care. I love it. She badgers him about his HEALTH and stuff. Seriously, I can't even.

(-3) We repeat Madeline's tuck and roll, minus the tuck apparently, down the four or five steps on the Salem pier. And by repeat, the Days' writers mean business.

(+10) Shirtless wet Nathan. Thank you, wardrobe department. While I don't have strong feelings about seeing her half-naked myself, I will give the wardrobe department a few more points for utilizing Stephanie's talent. Remember that the pageant circuit isn't on Shelley's resume for nothing!

(-4) LMAO perving on Stephanie's body just seems weird coming from Nathan. Not that I'm insulting Shelley's body here, but he just sounded so weird and forced. I had to decide if this was going to be a plus or minus item, but I decided to downgrade the attempt, factoring the negative grade of execution as well. But still, I LOL'd.

(+1) I am easily won over by a pink box wrapped in pretty ribbon. Don't judge, don't judge. Well-played, young Doctor Horton.

(+10) Philip's hair starts out strong today. I have no idea what the eff it's doing, but it seems to really take charge unlike most residents of Salem. It goes from this middle-parted sheen, to disheveled messy hilarity as we'll see later.

(+3) Meanwhile, Dr. Daniel JoBro, my second favorite Jonas after Kevin (it's not a close second, mind you), and Chloe's boobs talk baby names. Clytemnestra. LOL what even Daniel, you free spirit. "She murdered a lot people." AND HOW IS THAT NAME NOT PERFECT FOR A SALEM BABBY? Tell me, Dr. Dan. Negative Grade of Execution, though, for Ichabod. Overdone, Dan! We want originality. This is why I don't name babies. I don't have the imagination for it, sadly.

(+2) OH HECK YES, Philip/Chloe indiscretion flashback. I've been waiting for another one of those! Every time Melanie brings up babies around Philip and he gets the panicked look on his face? Or when Chloe's eyes go all wide and she looks far off into the distance (of course, that could just mean she's hungry. Or confused. Or happy, even.)... I finally got my repeat flashback!

(+2) I approve of any references to Craig and Nancy.

(+1) Oooh, Chloe lets her secret slip.
(-1) And quickly covers it up. Downgrade.

(-1) Hello, there Roman. You exist. Your waaaay too laid-back approach to Hope's behavior tells me that you need yourself a woman. Negative grade of execution! Remember when she hit you over the head and mugged you?! ... oh wait.

(+5) I love Bo huffing like a 5-year-old. He must have learned this from Sierra.

(+8) LOL CREEPY HOPE. "It's in the stars. Time for Bo to die..." The only way this line would have been greater is if she were TheresaArianna and she said that it's "FAAAATE!"

(-3) Nathan gives Stephanie a bracelet. I was hoping it was something more exciting, like his dick in a box. (Ah, fine. Old meme, I know.) It's for her big promotion, and I have no idea wtf they're talking about. I only just realized last week that she works at the hospital, even though she's been there forever.

(-5) All this is while Melanie is talking about babby again, and planning Chloe's baby shower. Put her in another scene with Nicole. Or Vivian. Let her be funny and shit. She's still cute tho, so I won't take too many points away. It kind of makes me sad that I find her and Philly such an adorable couple, because I'll probably miss them when they finally meet their inevitable doom.

(+4) You know the SNL sketch where Britney is a Barbie? Chloe talking to herself is giving me flashbacks to that. I don't even know guys. But a Britney mention is an automatic plus, I think.

(-3) CHAD, WHY YOU MAKE ME SAD. I hope they don't turn him into a crazy person after this. He's like the Chelsea to Will's Abby. I will maintain that comparison in my head, now. ...okay, strike my original point value for this element. It's a (+5) for me now!

(-2) Philip randomly pops up at Daniel and Chloe's like a bosscreeper. As soon as Daniel leaves, it's like "POUNCE!" Wait, does he hide in the bushes waiting for Daniel to leave? PLEASE TELL ME HE HIDES IN THE BUSHES. I would give him the points back for fully committing to the creeper act. I'll even give him positive points. There is definitely something wrong with me.

(+2) Chloe's baby is apparently psychic. Or a lot smarter than his/her parents. Because I don't know where else Chloe would have gotten the foresight to anticipate consequences. I'm not talking her usual paranoia. I'm saying her whole freakout about what would happen if Philip went after Viv. I may have just been blinded by the hearts in my eyes at a Crazy Vivian mention. I don't know.

(+4) New comparison. Chloe is so Lucy. She does something wrong, lets it slip that there's even MORE. And Phil brings out his best Ricky Ricardo voice. Okay, I would kind of love them if they were Lucy and Ricky. Please bring the lulz.

(+9) "It's not a thing, it's a murder." A+ line there, writers. I don't actually love the storyline, but whatever. Nighttime Hope is cracking my shit up today. Dick's one-sided love for Hope...is weird. I feel awkward.

(-3) Bah. Yes, Hope is completely crazy and Bo should probably do something. But whatever, if you tell her to back off, don't be surprised when other people tell you the same. IDK IDK.

(-5) WHAT EVEN. Dick wants to run away with Hope. And she finds it sweet. Oh my god, this is so weird. I can't.

(-3) But Stephanie and Nathan make out on a public "beach." This is not sexy. Especially since said "beach" is what seems to be a randomly placed clearing of sand in the middle of shrubbery and trees, with no water in sight, yet people are somehow wet.

(+2) Melanie cockblocks Nathan and Stephanie. I laugh and laugh.

(+2) Meanwhile, Melanie's RL boytoy chad is making scrunchy crying faces at the hospital, while Stefano and Kate look on in concern(?), which I guess is the best word for it.

(-5) Call me biased (because I am), but Stephanie calling Melanie a crazy stalker annoys more than it makes me laugh. At least they haven't forgotten that Stephanie is delusional. Plus sex on the random sandy clearing is gross. It's not even hot when Nicole tries it in Brady's dreams. It cracks me up that Stephanie sucks so hard at being a bitch. I've reached the obligatory moment where I remember when Stephanie used to be a redheaded racecar driver. Nathan at least looks like he feels a little bad for snapping at Melanie. Good boy.

(+3) I really do like Philip and Chloe as friends. They're all that's left of the days of epic Last Blast dances and Ghoul Girl. And Mimi. Remember Meems?!

(+2) Doctor JoBro confronts the good priest about Chloe, and she gets caught in a lie. Low point value, because Chloe is probably going to talk herself out of this (and not believably so) and the dense doctor will believe her.

(+3) I like Kate and Chad scenes. Especially since she acts so motherly towards him, so I don't get creepy cougar vibes from this.

(+5) Sierra randomly pops up out of nowhere, this is creepy and amusing. she's making a scrunchy serious face, though, so she gets extra points. Whatever, whatever. I think Henderson completely steals the scene.

(-1) Charles is just so sleazy. Ew, DNW. INSERT MORE OF ME CRYING "POOR CHAD! :("

(+3) I wouldn't characteristically call Nathan and Stephanie moving in together a plus, but Lucas mention makes me happy. I miss Lucas.

(-2) Today was a good, lulzy, fluffy hair day for Philip. Which makes his sex hair SO disappointing. Double minus points, for Melanie's contribution (or lack thereof) to the situation on top of his head.

(-6) OMG Melanie, I love you. But writers, please stop making her talk about babies. She's too cute and little and totally not ready for a baby. Even she and Philip have acknowledged that, yet HERE SHE IS TALKING ABOUT BABIES.

(-2) OOH. Daniel get angry. I like. But oh my god, I'm just as bad as Carly when it comes to my resolve about what to do with Chloe. Because I don't really like the way he's been treating her. Not that I haven't been waiting a million years for him to finally get the truth out of her, but we've played this suspicion-fight-talk her way out of it scene way too many times. Boo, no repeating elements if they're not in combination! (LOLZ, it's a soap, I know. It's not Days if not repetitive). But he's like HULKING OUT on her. I don't even know. They both make no sense to me, so I just don't know.

(+3) Bye bye, Jessica Tuck. I actually enjoyed you as Maddie. Chad accidentally killed his own mother. Why is this a plus sign? I need help. IDK IDK. I'm sure Maddie would appreciate me celebrating her life with a little plus sign. Plus Chad is still likable to me, because I don't think he's a terrible person and I actually managed to feel bad for him. Death just accidentally follows him everywhere! His baby died before he even knew she existed! His mom was a hooker, and SHE killed a dude (well, technically, he followed THAT little ordeal. But still.)! Chad probably needs a hug... I wish Will were randomly at the hospital. Oh, boy. I would have a field day with the Chill going down.

(+3) HOSHIT. BO'S RIGHT AT THE DOOR. GURRRL, YOU IN DANGER. What timing.

Deductions, bonus points, etc.

(+8) Days gets the extra bonus points for not front-loading the first half of the program with the shirtless men. Also, +3 GOE for the difficult entry~ considering most of their shirtless men clock in their half-naked time at the "beach" these days. Philip in bed was ~different from the usual, okay.
(-1) I'm deducting a point from myself for not noticing the unintentional pun I made on Jessica Tuck's name.
(-15) WHERE'S ABE CARVER? I was going to deduct 20 points, but I gave back 5 since Lexi was there to represent the Carvers.

That gives today a grand total (by way of my super reliable~ calculator) of 43 points. Does that win gold? I have no idea if that's good or not, to be ~honested. I have no idea how this would have done under a ~six-point-oh~ system. I'm inclined to say that they shouldn't have left out Abe Carver, which I've decided is a required element.

I didn't pay attention to the previews. But I did see that Nathan wears plaid tomorrow. This is enough to excite me.